#letter 21

I tried listening to a few songs by Cocteau Twins, as you said they were your favourite band 20 years ago, and I understand now why time and personal choice plays such a critical role in one’s favourite music. It’s definitely not the type of music I would listen to but that doesn’t matter. We should all have favourites…it makes life more worthwhile. Like if all my favourite books, Korean drama, music and poetry would be taken away from me…I would not know how to live life without being absolutely ungrateful, resentful and unhappy.

You also said that you’re in love with @drearydaffodil. I don’t know if there’s something currently going on between the two of you or if you love them from a distance. But what I do know is that they are someone who takes really good sky pictures, and hence are someone after my own heart. I have barely spoken to them but I appreciate their lovely presence on tumblr and their poetry.

I didn’t ask who you’ve said ‘I love you’ to the most because I think “keeping track of word count” is relevant. It’s not about that to begin with. Sorry you feel that way. I think when I love someone, it is usually such a pure, abundant and free-flowing emotion that I keep finding ways to express that and make them feel loved and letting them verbally know that I love them is one of those ways. Of course, everyone has their own way of expressing that and despite the form, I do hope you do it frequently. I hope that we all find a way to do that frequently because life is short and confusing and full of suffering and unanswered questions. Love seems to still make it worth it somehow.

You know your answer to what love means to you…a part of it anyway…laughing together, sharing, wrapping around each other in blanket forts reminds me of a vivid childhood memory. When I was in 6th grade, my best friend at the time was coming over to my place for the first time after school to celebrate my birthday which was earlier that week. We had decided so many things we would do that day including making pizzas and whatnot. One thing we did that day was play, what I as an 11-year-old named, the queen pushing game. LOL.

We basically got all the pillows and cushions that there were in my house, made a sort of a mountain of them at the centre of my bed, covered it up and sort of tied it all together with a giant blanket and then took turns to be the “queen” and sit on top of that make-believe throne. And then the other person would push that person and then would happily fall with the pile of our pillow mountain. As I write this down I can’t quite understand what was the highlight of this game. Was it the fact that we invented it and it was our secret and we never played it with anyone else? Was it the laughter? Was it the thrill of falling and the safety of knowing we would be safe when we would? Anyway, that was over a decade ago.

I’m still in touch with this friend and every time we meet, she brings the queen pushing game up. It makes me realise how much it meant to her and how it formed such a solid happy memory in her head. I think a lot of us just want to feel that way. We want to love and laugh and fall and have it not hurt. I guess if we do it with the right people…that can be possible. I hope you find that person.

Love,

Nikki

I wrote this letter for Anonymous based on some questions they answered. You can read the questions and their answers here. 

Guys - I have received 29 people’s responses for The Love Project - 29 days of love letters. So I won’t be accepting anymore, however, you can read other letters here.

You were the first person to participate in The Love Project but I’ve waited so long to write your letter because I love reading your answers. I kid you not. I’ve read them about 5 times over this month and they majorly make me feel two things. First, like the universe it opening up all these channels of hope, strength, positivity and sweetness for everyone who is willing to give life another shot. Second, what if…just what if the eerie poem ‘The Egg’ by Andy Weir is true? I don’t know if you have read this before but if not, please do. It blew my mind in an unexpected way.

Once you read the poem, what I say now will make sense. Everything you said about what you’ve been feeling and experiencing is 100% true for me. If not all at this moment but in fragments at different points in time. And the form may be different but the feeling that washes over me, for some reason I believe that it’s the same that washes over you.

I’ll share something with you that I haven’t really with many of my friends but there’s this thing…Ever since I was 14 years old I couldn’t wait to move out of my parents’ home and live by myself. No, they are great parents and my sister is the best too. I don’t know if it was the romanticisation of living by yourself or the emo phase that made me feel like I can’t live my true life unless I move out. Now, when I finished high school, I didn’t get to move away for college. The best college for what I wanted to study ended up being in my home city and I got in and it didn’t make sense to give up that opportunity for a sub-standard college elsewhere. After I got done with college, it made no sense to leave Mumbai – the city everyone from all over the country dreams of coming and living in –and move to some random city for work. So, I never quite left home. It’s never going to be acceptable to live in the same city as my parents and not live with them. It’s an Indian thing. And until even last year, I was like ugh how can I move out? But something changed over those last few months.

Now, somehow, over the last few months I started to notice things and realised what you did. The exact same thing you did: “My life, right now, is the epitome of ;perfection. From a ‘fight’ with my sister, I have learned what has been true all along. That my immediate family really would do anything for me. Mum’s favourite song is ‘Grenade’ not for the melody but for the words, the lyrics. She, dad and my sister really would do anything for me. How has it taken me this long to fully realise this.” Other than my mom’s favourite song, haha.

I can’t explain it to anyone else what changed and why. And I realise that I don’t even have to. People look for people who will genuinely care about them and love them unconditionally all their life. And I, and you, we have those people, we had them right from the start. I’ve never quite had that luck with friendships or romantic relationships (as of now), but that’s fine. I think, and it’s a silly childish belief, but I think everyone has at least 2-3 people in the world who are theirs.

Ever since I was 13, I have been looking for people to have interesting and meaningful conversations about the things that matter. And it took me forever to realise that I had that person all along – my sister.

The way you described, “The decade(s) that will be successful, joyful have started. Nevermind the twentieth century, this decade will be my roaring twenties and I really hope all of my relatives, friends and peers will have the same.” makes me highly recommend this song to you: Start by Gaho. It’s Korean but it has English subtitles and gosh. I think if I had to choose a song to run in the background of your letter as the theme, I would pick this. (I am listening to it on loop while writing this, btw.) This song is used in my current favourite Korean drama – Itaewon Class – about a boy who is 100% determined to make his life be everything he wants it to be no matter how much resistance he faces.

Another way I relate to you?  “I make up new words all the time. For example, electronically….” My sister was literally teasing me about it yesterday when I was speaking gibberish to annoy her. I usually just combine stuff from the three languages I know and it’s fun. Cracks me up all the time, if not anyone else. But, hey, electronically is, in fact, a word, so am I missing something here? O.O

One thing that’s totally different is that I have never been to a concert. I don’t think there’s any one artist that I 100% love to go to a crowded place with hyper-excited people.

How is it that the people who we don’t want us to hurt ever are the ones who end up doing it so masterfully? I understand the need to be guarded. And I am so glad that nobody has ever shattered your heart again. But I do hope when someone can make you feel loved – romantically and wholly – you can let them in. It’s no fun at all…going through life guarded.

Emotionless

A wall between emotion and intellect Analyse the behaviour of others, Analyse the wrongs of life, Soon you will feel a disconnect You can never be hurt behind your wall You can never be whole behind your wall

That’s a poem – not verbatim, out of my memory – by someone I cared about deeply years ago. He ghosted me too. The question of why can make me go crazy even now if I let myself go down that rabbit hole but I don’t. I try to retain this poem in the most positive light. Because he, his behaviour, his interactions with me, meant something and this poem of his that he shared with me just always stayed with me. I could never become emotionless, I could never feel a disconnect. I was hurt, often, yes. But I was also whole. I am, for the most part. I know you are too.

What you said about love - Love has no gender, no binary, no stereotypes. If you look at humans behind an X-ray screen kissing, you see the same skeletal frame each time – should be poetry. Sounds like it to my heart.

Sending so much love to you, and to your fur siblings, Darcy, Chloe and Poppy. Let’s live our roaring twenties the way they are meant to be lived – fully, fiercely, and earnestly. Nikki

PS No, daebak is not a word I made up, haha. It means awesome, cool, impressive in Korean. And you honestly are daebak! <3

I wrote this letter for Samantha based on some questions they answered. You can read the questions and their answers here.

Guys - I have received 29 people’s responses for The Love Project - 29 days of love letters. So I won’t be accepting anymore, however, you can read other letters here.

I have not spoken to you this year, at all. I don’t know what your plans are, or if you even have plans. This countdown in my head has begun since last year, and now it continues, the question remains the same. Will you change your mind? Will you do something unexpected again? 

Dear 9gagger,

Hello again. It's been awhile isn't it? 

I'm still doing great. I'm trying to be as fit as a fiddle, but it seems that I can't. I've been playing some Portal lately, and Left for Dead 2. It helps me cope. but I've been having some bad dreams. I blame the Zombies.

I just want to tell you what happened today. We went to a wedding. It was my cousin's, we came just in time. I was in tears throughout the ceremony. For one, I saw my mom, who used to have Daddy, crying and remembering the happy times when he used to be there, and then there's me, thinking about the future, about me.

Can I get married? I'm too young to ask such, but it doesn't hurt to ask every now and then. Every girl has dreamed of getting married once.

In my case, I dream of getting married to a lovely man (a bit older than me, if you want me to be honest) in one of the prettiest churches in the area. And as I walk down the isle, my Mother and Father are hooked to each of my arms, everyone stares and sees how pretty I am, how beautiful I look, and for once I can be vain, awfully vain about myself.

And Once I come around the end of that red carpet, I see him, that lovely man, his eyes glazed at me underneath that veil, as he takes me away from my parents, he mouths the words 'You look beautiful' and the ceremony begins.

These thoughts raced through my head during that whole wedding procession. It must sound very stupid, I know, but I can't help it. It must really be a girl thing to think of such. 

But I know, at least right now, that this dream of mine won't be real. Daddy's gone forever, and how can I find someone to love me like I want them to? It's hard, especially since I've hurt too many people. Including you. I've never lost touch with reality. That's one thing.

Have I ever told you that I once thought of spending my whole life with you? I know That's not going to happen. Not now. Not ever. 

I want to say more, but this letter is getting long, I'm sorry. 

______,

I honestly thought you'd be mean and bitchy because you're in a sorority and the way you act is so different. But you're my favorite redhead ever now! Getting to know you better and talking to you has brightened my way of viewing things. I feel comfortable talking to you and getting advice. I know that when you're giving me advice it's all from your views experiences but I feel like even when we disagree, your points are valid and you're open to changing those opinions. I love that. You're also hilarious. I love talking to and just hanging out with you. You're so awesome. I wanna hang out with you more. This is your last semester here and that makes me kind of sad. Let's hang more this semester since you'll have more time! :D