Someone i know is having a family gathering today and their families made a lot of food and they’re telling him to “eat more!” and it lowkey triggered me. Not him, the whole situation. It reminded me that my family doesn’t do large gatherings like that and it reminded me that I should eat a lot because I’m young but not too much because I’m a girl. Just can’t put on too much weight, yaknow? I flashbacked to one time my dad slipped up and called me fat. My BMI was around the 21st percentile at that time and it’s the highest it ever was. If you know BMI, then you know that 21 is the mid-range for a healthy weight.
I guess I always feel like I have something to prove; to everyone who didn’t see me as worth it or good enough. I internalized those ideas and I lived it, thinking I wasn’t enough. I know I am but those thoughts haven’t packed up and moved out yet.
Having these thoughts and being upset about it won’t change anything, so what can I do? My first thought was to accept that this is the work of the patriarchy and then to accept it as it is. It feels like a double edged sword. If I conform, I’m more likely to be deemed attractive and successful by playing by the rules, yet if I do as I wish then I may be shunned. I’m sure all of us walk a fine line for different aspects of the status quo and I absolutely am not saying that this issue is harder or worse than anyone else. I’m just so frustrated that I feel like I have to play a role to be successful and allow parts of myself to come through or worse yet that I have been so conditioned to be who society has told me to be that I don’t even know who I am.
Also can you believe it’s December already?! My god this year went by fast.
dec 1 2019
























