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I guess I always feel like I have something to prove; to everyone who didn’t see me as worth it or good enough. I internalized those ideas and I lived it, thinking I wasn’t enough. I know I am but those thoughts haven’t packed up and moved out yet.

Having these thoughts and being upset about it won’t change anything, so what can I do? My first thought was to accept that this is the work of the patriarchy and then to accept it as it is. It feels like a double edged sword. If I conform, I’m more likely to be deemed attractive and successful by playing by the rules, yet if I do as I wish then I may be shunned. I’m sure all of us walk a fine line for different aspects of the status quo and I absolutely am not saying that this issue is harder or worse than anyone else. I’m just so frustrated that I feel like I have to play a role to be successful and allow parts of myself to come through or worse yet that I have been so conditioned to be who society has told me to be that I don’t even know who I am.

Also can you believe it’s December already?! My god this year went by fast.

i realized i’m really stingy with affection and i honestly think its bc of this one damn thing. guys go through the same thing too but not quite on the same level bc guys aren’t event expected to be nice all the time, to everyone.

there’s the argument that its all a choice and yes, i agree it is a choice but it’s also social conditioning. a girl who chooses to follow the “norm” is more likely going to be likeable and successful compared to the girl who chooses not to follow the norm and do what she wants.

You missed me between messages throughout a day, you’d plan to spend half your weekend with me, the last time I saw you I had a feeling you were falling in love with me.

Then I heard about what happened and honestly all that’s really left for me is disgust. It’s been a little over a week and I don’t care to see anything related to you. I’m a little sad over what was and what could have been but you fucked that up. There’s no going back. Hope it was worth it and I hope you’ve been thinking about what you lost every day since. Not mad that I spent that time with you, I’m still thankful but also thankful that’s all it was and not longer. Moving on.

You remind me of him. You both give me what I want, as long as I ask but I don’t know if you want it too or if you’re doing it just because I want you to and it means nothing to you. 

I’m not usually like this and I hope you aren’t either. Not sure if I’m sad about it because I didn’t get what I wanted just because I want it or if it’s because I actually want you. Maybe it’s a little bit of both.