#letter 2

I wonder how your name is pronounced. In my head it’s kinda like Elsa from Frozen. You’re turning 21 soon! That’s an exciting age to be, and also somehow a real start to “adulting”. It’s going to be beautiful and pathetic at the same time and you’ll just figure your path to the more beautiful stuff in time. Things I want to tell myself at 21. This is a list I made when I was 20, soon to be 21. Perhaps you can relate to some of it.  

Also, happy birthday month! I hope it’s filled with all the little and big things that make your heart happy. Especially because I know the last few months, perhaps even a year, might have not been the easiest for you.  That’s the thing right…that’s the thing about love-like things. We never know until the end if it is going to be love or heartbreak. And more often than not, it’s the latter. And when that happens to you, everything can seem meaningless. Everything can feel numb. That’s actually why I am doing this – The Love Project.

I was in love a very, very long time ago. And then I was hurt by someone I trusted more than I trusted myself. He hurt me intentionally. I’ve grown up now and it’s been so long but I still can’t seem to make my peace with it. I don’t know the meaning of love anymore, not of romantic love anyway. That’s why I asked you – what does the word love mean to you – because when I think of it, I can only think of pain. I know that’s not true, damn, I know. But it’s going to take me a while longer and perhaps that’s okay. I do hope you don’t hurt for this long. I know how miserable it can be to have everything seem alright externally but still feel this inexplicable pain internally and not be able to talk about it with anybody. I think after a point, no one gets it. After a point we don’t get it either.

But all I can say to you write now is:

You can’t go back to good times but better times will come. New memories will be made.

Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

And your answer for what is the meaning of love – it’s so simple, so pure. And so damn rare too. But, yes. Your answer also reminded me of a quote from one of my favourite movies – you must watch it if you haven’t yet – Before Sunrise.

I believe if there’s any kind of God it wouldn’t be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there’s any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it’s almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.

And so we must keep attempting. Because what is this life without some magic? What is this life without love? Nothing. Also about saying I love you to people, you’re right.

Sometimes it can feel like the most awkward thing to say to people even if you love them. I went through the struggle myself and, in fact, still do. I sometimes wonder – do I really love this person A? And what about person B and C and D? These people can be friends, family, lovers, co-workers, people on the internet. But then I think, if I do love all of them but none of them in the same way, then is it all love? Does love have no standard feeling? How do we know it’s love? And can we love only when we are loved. It all gets so confusing.

But I think that’s because everyone talks about love so much and they never shut up (guilty!) and there’s so much attached to this one word – other people’s experiences, what books and movies say, our parents’ relationship with each other, our past experiences – that it becomes so hard to derive our own meaning out of it. What do you think? I wish sometimes I could drop the word love altogether and come up with a new word instead. Maybe we should do that. But until then, you don’t have to. You don’t have to say I love you to people until it comes out naturally. I do think we all need a break from those 3 words to derive our own meaning of it anyway.

And oh my gosh. Keep singing in your sleep and acting all cute because what might be cringey to others is hilarious to us and we must keep ourselves happy and entertained! I strongly believe in that.

All my love,

Nikki

PS Eat an extra slice of cake on your birthday for me, and I hope you have a sweet and heartfelt day. And I truly hope that the coming here as loads and loads of moments when you feel absolutely loved and precious.

Guys, February is 29 days of love letters. I’m writing love letters, as part of The Love Project, and if you’d like me to write one to you, drop me an email at [email protected] 

Song : Letter #2

Artist : Cardean

Dear Kohana,

The days get longer as i spend more time away. Today we did drills, 50 warriors stand in the beautiful temple, move after move we practice, no fault, no misstep. Perfect synchronization as we dance our deadly dance. It seems I've to learn some things.

At night the temple becomes colder. The days pass and never have i wished more for the tea you make me, the hugs you give, our warm bed. I miss it all.

Are you still working on your paintings? Your last piece was very beautiful, though it holds none to its creator! I hope to return soon for winter, even if such is possible. I love you my Little Flower, sending my best wishes from the temple.

Your love,

I never fail to rethink and wonder what kind of person it must make me to write letters and messages to a future partner for... years on end? It’s so unlike me, or well, the “me” that I present to the public, and any person who may happen to stumble upon this fleeting, intimate corner of my thoughts would think me some hopeless romantic in constant search for love. But I’m not... or maybe I am? I know some would probably argue that all of us, as humans, are in the constant pursuit of love, and will never stop until we believe we’ve found it. But I’ve never been that type of romantic. You can know me for years and never hear a word about attraction, crushes, or romance– it’s the last thing on my mind when all social life is lost in the stress of grades and academics. I still can’t imagine myself in one of those relationships you may see in movies or around school– I don’t do the whole “constant physical interaction and PDA” or romantic gestures or drama. If I ever become that close with someone, I picture us as more of a team than a “couple.” A dynamic duo rather than a storybook romance. Lennon-McCartney rather than “Muse and Musician.” That was a weird analogy. Anyway. In this mind still untainted by the jarring reality of modern romance, we’d have something bigger than love. Is that too much to ask?

Kindest Regards, 

Darling Rey, I miss you so. It’s been weeks since you’ve given any response to my telepathic declarations of love. You must know how much joy it gives me just to be acknowledged by you, how I treasure your every word. I recall that during our last conversation, you stated that my voice in your head was like a dark foreign object trying to shove its way into your ear. So I was at the First Order gift shop again. I saw this and thought of you. Please accept it as a small token of my eternal devotion, another dark object for your ear :p

Yours as long as the stars do shine, Kylo

PS. Again, notice no innuendo about being “inside you.” That whole “take whatever I want” thing was a verbal misstep, I swear. My feelings for you are as pure as the driven snows of Hoth, and as honorable as a life debt.

PPS. Please answer my Force bond calls. I am not fooled when you pretend to be a recording. We both know perfectly well that Force bond voicemail is not a thing.

……………..

If I were to choose, I’d choose you.

Everyday over everyone I’ve ever loved and everyone I’d ever love.

If I were to choose, I’d choose to write a story with you in the beginning and you in the end.

A future without you seems so bleak, I’ve written endings of every new beginning seconds after they began. I have a timeline for everything and everyone.

It hurts when I’m right but I’m right every time. Would you be the one to stop me from playing my favorite act- The Houdini?

You’re everything I believed I’d never have but prayed for anyway. You’re everything I looked forward to meeting as a child with hope in her eyes.

Too good to be true but somehow it’s you. Would my fate twist the ending and hurt me again? Would you be the temporary one and walk away? For once I’m putting faith in someone that isn’t me or the almighty. I question him and his existence cause I lose everything I glance upon fondly.

Perhaps I’m the Bluebeard cursed to have no Disney ending. There's skeletons and preserved flesh of almost somethings I try to keep locked in a room. Perhaps I’m Persephone with no Hades to rescue me. I'd still choose to count 6 morsels of something deliberately to write my own fate. I’m lost in dreams and drifting through reality could you pick me up from that cardboard box of Lost and Found? Would you know that I want to be found ? Would you know I want to be known?

Would it be okay? Would it be fine?

Doesn’t believing set the inevitable in motion?

I sold my soul to the dark , there’s no light left in me. When my flesh is sliced, there's only ink.

Can’t you see that my destiny isn't something I can pin to my skin in ink?

I ruin things unfeelingly. My hold chokes the life out of everything lovely, at times they slip away from the cracks of my hand. I'm a wild thing, dancing to my own beat.

I’m a wild thing throwing caution to the wind.

I’ve got my head in the clouds but feet rooted to the ground. I’m a paradox with a labyrinth for a mind. I’m always counting 4 to get go ,always on my toes ready to fly far.

Pa’no ko ba sisimulan? Ang dami na nangyari simula nung unang sulat ko sa’yo. The biggest thing probably is that it seems like your tatay is not going to be the tatay that I want you to have. ‘Nak, ‘yung tatay mo na gusto ko sana para sa’yo, mukang hindi talaga kami para sa isa’t isa eh. Sorry, Max. Natalo ang nanay mo.