#leo mccarthy

JOEY HUMMEL-ANDERSON’S WEEK OFF! (pg 2)

after many-a-drag about his actual ass here in the muckraker, a source has reported that @joeyhqs​ has toned down his twinking around lima because he crossed the border over into indiana to get some major work done for the week. apart from some preemptive botox and an alleged face lift, it seems that he got a brazilian butt lift. using what body fat? the answer is unclear, but what is clear? joey got some work done and the twinking will probably resume as usual!

BURNING THROUGH THE BURN OUTS, LJ HOLLIDAY BANGS ALL! (pg 4)

in a shocking turn of events @ljhollidays​​ was spotted at lima’s premier hook up hot spot, the view, with @wrenschuester​​! i’m not sure what makes those brown baggers so appealing, but it seems lj has joined the slew of others here in lima who has been unfortunate enough to hook up with at least three of that crew! let’s just hope that tweet of kaden’s about getting tested was true and lj didn’t swap stds with wren!

DING DONG THOSE WICKED HETS ARE GONE! (pg 6)

i don’t often become emotionally invested in a story, but this story feels like a victory that has been months in the making. those atrocious heterosexuals, @leo-mccarthy​​ and @ivystjamess​​ have finally called it quits. the reasons why are beyond me, i don’t know, and quite frankly i don’t care, but if i had to guess, it probably had something to do with the fact ivy is known to be. . . get around and needed a little more than a greasy film nerd to satisfy her needs.

RUBY MOVES IN ON GRAYSON, WATCH OUT WINNIE! (pg 8)

all of lima was rocked to it’s core when @graysonlopezpierce​​ cheated on @rubyzizes​​ with @winniclove​​! in months passed we’ve come to accept that their relationship is what it is and they’re off being the definition of a straight couple with a girl way out of the guys league. anyhow, i’ve had a very reliable source tell me that ruby is putting the moves on grayson in hopes of stealing her man right from under winnie’s nose and giving her a taste of her own medicine.

WINNIE CHEATS AGAIN? (pg 10)

as mentioned in the previous story, ruby is plotting to steal winnie’s man, but does winnie even care? sources say @winniclove​ was seen cozying up with lima’s loveable church boy @drewharts​ at the lima bean. given their history i wouldn’t be surprised if it very soon became very public that these two are once again hooking up. sorry ruby, but it looks like your master plan might be for nothing!

CANCER SEASON FLOPPED! (pg 12)

cancers are already a flop of a zodiac sign as is, but that has crept into the personal lives of @hunterxslade​, @jrdnabrams​, @alexiscsmythe​, and @graysonlopezpierce​ seeing as all of their birthdays flopped! this only further proves how much as a zodiac sign, cancer sucks! there was no passing out drunk, no crazy hook ups, alexis didn’t even publicly indulge her alcoholism for all of lima to laugh at! regardless of the floppage, i’m just absolutely thrilled for cancer season to be over and sail smoothly into leo. hopefully something interesting will actually come of those parties!

WHO’S KEEPING WINNIE’S BED WARM? (pg 2)

@winniclove​ has been noticeably absent from our dreary little town as of late. while it’s no secret she’s filming her big comeback in a guest starring role, sources say she won’t be making a comeback to grayson anytime soon. winnie’s star was already outshining his own and now with this added distance, it only makes sense she’d be leaving that janitor in the dust! the only question left? who’s cleaning up after her now? if you have any tips, please get in touch ASAP!

SILLY FINN! LEO’S FOR KIDS! (pg 4)

whatever is going on between @leo-mccarthy​ and @finnschuesters​ is definitely questionable, right? other than the surprise leo was capable of moving on so quickly, is anyone going to talk about the fact they went on a seemingly romantic getaway to chicago? even though i never would’ve painted finn as a cradle snatcher, i have to hand it to the new couple (?) it was a turn nobody expected to come from the publishing of their little hook up. let’s just hope finn doesn’t keel over and die before leo actually develops a personality beyond brooding!

THE BOY IS BACK! (pg 6)

surprisingly, within the midst of all this cross country, mamma mia drama, somehow @brokelynsd​ managed to throw everyone for another loop when he returned from the dead! sure, we’ve all known he’s been in new york, but it’s not like he, you know, made any efforts to stay connected to lima. can we as a collective blame him though? there’s no doubt it must’ve burned when he found out his long term girlfriend was cheating on him with another chick. who’s gonna tell him naomi and eli are back on though? and when somebody does? give me all the details!

NYU DROPOUT! HE’S STUCK IN LIMA! (pg 8)

so once golden boy @tracehummelandersons​ seems to be back in lima for good! i’m still not sure why he’s back to stay, but a reliable source has told me he’s trading in those silver screen dreams for that horrendous blue mechanic jumpsuit. yes, that’s right, lima’s dearest tracy has dropped out of school and seems to be in lima to stay! welcome to lima loserhood trace, sorry you fell short of filling those gigantic shoes set before you! better luck next lifetime. i hear your friend eli has been dealing lately if you get tired sweating over people’s cars!

CHASE TWO GIRLS, LOSE THEM BOTH! (pg 10)

to nobody’s surprise, @julien-schuester​ decided to go behind girlfriend @roryslade​‘s back and get his dick wet with @ivystjamess​. you all know the saying, those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it, blah, blah, blah. according to our sources, rory has is still yet to dump julien which? only shows me she’s more messed up than we all may have initially thought. ivy clearly has some perpetual pining for julien. and julien? well it’s obvious he’s a whore. though there isn’t much word on any epic blow ups from rory’s end, she burned julien in another way by performing as well as she did thursday night? and ivy? i heard she’s not speaking to him. but we’ll see how long that lasts. let’s just hope julien has some better car insurance since his last little fuck up!

MAMMA MIA! : A REVIEW BY JACOB BEN ISRAEL II (pg 12)

three words; drama, dad’s, and duds. seeing as i am lima’s most reliable source for anything and everything important, it makes sense the crowds would come swarming for the only review that matters. we all know and love the story of mamma mia, so i’ll save all the boring plot stuff. here’s what i’ll say, cream of the crop: rory slade, baby puckerman, ruby zizes. flops? theo beiste, joey hummel-anderson, leia evans. for me, rory just hit every mark! baby is insane, but it brought a dynamic presence to each of her few scenes. and ruby? talk about a breakout star, unexpected and pleasing, i for one would’ve given someone with her ability and confidence levels tanya, but that’s just me. as for my flops, theo beiste is so stupid you can see it from the nosebleeds! everyone roots for pepper a little and i just didn’t. as for joey, casting a gay as a gay? boring. that’s all i’ll say on that front. and leia’s performance as sophie? talk about a snooze fest. too sweet without enough fire. in whole, the performance was fun and up to mckinley standard, but next show i hope for an actual competent director not afraid to make daring choices. three and a half stars out of five.

CHEERIO CHEATS ON LOSER WITH FOOTBALL PLAYER, IS ANYONE SURPRISED? (pg 2)

anyone with eyes and ears could tell things were tense between lima’s most unlikely couple @ivystjamess​ and @leo-mccarthy​ at prom. what they might not be aware of is that one ivy st.james was getting busy in the bathroom AGAIN. sources tell us she was seen sneaking in there with @archerxcs​. this was later confirmed by an after party goer who admitted to hearing ivy tell lemon sterling-duval that her and archer had shared a kiss. given her track record with boys though, we’d be surprised if it was just a kiss. who could blame her though? leo mccarthy has the classic case of lima loser waiting to happen. 

SLUT STRIKES BACK! (pg 4)

catfight! according to our sources @winniclove​ was walking around prom with a welt worthy of the guinness book of world records on her face. it came to no surprise when the plot thickened that @rubyzizes​ was the one responsible for slapping winnie. given their history with grayson, some may argue that winnie deserved a lot worse, but personally here at the muckraker we find ruby zizes to be a literal attention whore. it’s no wonder one would be jealous of winnie-love karofsky, but we find it kind of sad when it’s a girl who was cheated on the dumped out of her first relationship. some people just aren’t meant to find love! and they shouldn’t take it out on the beautiful like winnie.

PROSTITUTION FOR PROM PRINCESS VOTES? (pg 4)

it came as a shock to just about everyone that @shanepuck​ won prom princess. while there were allegations tossed around about bella lopez-pierce stuffing the ballot box, with her status as the only cheerleading glee club member on the ballot, we figured she would likely be a shoe in. but shortly after prom we learned there was a wrench thrown in the mix by shane! seeing her date boring hart as mckinley’s prom prince frontrunner activated those psycho puckerman-fabray genes! a week prior to prom she was offering herself up to multiple male staff members in exchange for the elections to sway her way. this was brought to us by her sister, emory puckerman. god, i love when those girls go crazy!

5YOW? MORE LIKE FIVE YEARS TILL FAILURE! (pg 6)

@hunterxslade​, @graysonlopezpierce​,and @tatumfm​ make up 5 years of winter, or more commonly referred to as 5yow. but their performance at prom left people thinking 5yowza! many students report things just generally seeming off and to us here at the muckraker we instantly knew that meant lip syncing! there’s a history of lip syncing scandals at mckinley and we wouldn’t be shocked to hear that these has-been’s waiting to happen are the latest in the list of lip syncing embarrassments! 

PUNCH BOWL CULPRITS SAVE PROM (pg 8)

for the most part, prom was a predictable snooze fest! the only thing that spiced it up was @aliviaporter​ and @kadenabrams​ joint effort to spike the punch bowl. though somebody usually spikes it, seeing drunk underage kids flopping around a dance floor all night really makes prom something special. we just hope alivia doesn’t catch feelings for kaden like she does with any guy who gives her an extra minute of attention.

TROUBLE IN PROM ROYALTY PARADISE (pg 10)

predictably @lemonsterling​ and @tj-beiste​ took home the title of prom king and queen, but it seems a saving grace @leiaevans​ crept in and provided some much needed drama for this eventual pta mom and coach dad. in an intimate hallway tryst, leia evans was overhead confessing her love for theo which put so called, ‘themon’ at odds for the rest of the evening to make matters even more interesting lemon was spotted kissing @tracehummelandersons​ at LJ’s prom after party. these two really can’t go more than a week without incident! i unfortunately doubt it’ll be the thing that i’m hoping breaks them up, how boring could they get?

JULIEN SCHUESTER MOVING IN A DEW DIRECTION (pg 12)

our sources say even in spite of taking crazy ex-girlfriend emory puckerman to prom, @julien-schuester​ hooked up with @roryslade​ in his own brothers office! which is kind of disgusting, but after their duet we aren’t surprised to hear reports of such a thing. rory slade notoriously throws herself at any guy older than her or who might give her an edge on tense glee club competition, which, julien fits the bill for both. while they quite literally defiled the choir room, we can only hope julien ditching emory results in some broken bones for rory and a new set of slashed tires for julien!

RORY SLADE CALLS DUDES ‘DADDY’ AND NOBODY IS SURPRISED. (pg 2)

one of @roryslade​‘s many many, numerous, countless hook ups has come forward to confirm the suspicion we’ve all had since the beginning of time! rory has daddy issues! no need to break out the confetti or the cake batter for this momentous and already greatly speculated occasion. i personally am not one to kink shame and while i wish this one could’ve stayed in the drafts it’s my duty to inform the public that rory slade, does indeed, officially call guys daddy in the sack.

MAYBE SHE’S BORN WITH IT, MAYBE IT’S CRACK COCAINE! (pg 4) 

lima’s favorite bitch (and not in the fun way) @valeriexlynn​ has been caught admitting to doing “just one” line before her mamma mia audition. this isn’t exactly the way that i would take the edge off, this might explain the sudden drop in her academic performance in addition to her generally off behavior. it comes as happy news she didn’t get cast as sophie like she wanted. nobody wants to see a cracked out rendition of ‘i have a dream’ 

BELLA RIGS AGAIN (pg 6)

after a failed attempt at stuffing the prom princess ballot boxes, @wtfbclla​ is back at it and trying to cozy up to troubletones coach beth corcoran in order to get a lead in mamma mia! it’s very possible that worked out in her favor considering she landed the role of tanya, but sources say she actually had her sights set on donna and isn’t too pleased with the casting results. watch out rory! 

MORE THAN FRIENDS : CJ & JULIEN? (pg 8)

thanks to the help of our last issue, @julien-schuester​ is out and proud! rumor has it that julien and lifelong best friend @itscjanderson​ are actually way more than best friends and have actually been seeing each other for quite some time. the muckraker can only hope that revealing this story piece by piece will help ease this couple out of the closet, into the light, and towards happiness! gay rights!

PUCKERMAN AND KAROFSKY TWITTER BEEF GETS DEEP (pg 10)

why anyone would come for miss @winniclove​ is honestly a surprise to me, but here in lima and around the world actually @alessiapuckerman‘s shady comments about the child star have not gone unnoticed. nobody is quite sure what spurred these indirects, though here at the muckraker, a hot little tip was received that alessia and winnie have a history. as it turns out, alessia was actually the one to leak that career-shattering video of winnie doing lines! winnie-love officially has my permission to drag alessia’s beautiful cheekbones to hell and back. 

IVY ST.SLUT STRIKES ONCE MORE! (pg 12)

talk about a cat in heat! ivy st.james strings guys along left and right apparently! much to our surprise @ivystjamess​ and @leo-mccarthy are still an item. in a disgustingly heterosexual fashion, they hooked up at ivy’s place of work! it gets worse though, according to a reader, ivy was seen wearing @julien-schuester‘s shirt when leaving tracy hummel-anderson’s birthday party! it’s no surprise julien would be the one that ivy fully cheated with given their history, but it’s still embarrassing to see someone let their girlfriend run wild like that.

KARMA’S A BITCH AND WE LOVE HER (pg 2)

as revealed in our prior muckraker issues, @alexiscsmythe has been hooking up with bestie @wrenschuester‘s old boytoy @ncalanderson. interestingly enough, we’ve recently received a ton of reports that  lima’s resident psycho @emorypuckerman and alexis’ ex-beau @xdariuslpx​ were spotted hooking up at prom! no need to feel sympathy though, this is a classic case of karma biting this daddy’s girl gone wild in the ass. oh what we would give to be a fly on the wall when she reads this and gets a taste of her own medicine! best wishes to emory and darius though, we can only hope it doesn’t end in a totaled car for lopez-pierce!

WITCHES, BITCHES, AND WHORES, OH MY! (pg 4)

it seems lima has seen an influx in eclectic new girls! the latest in question is @sapphirefm​ who has allegedly been at lima university for the past year, but we’ve never heard of her! as it turns that may be an intentional spell cast by sapphire who is rumored to be a witch! sources say she was seen bathing in goats blood under a full moon while on a ‘jog’ in the park last weekend! despite fearing for the safety for ourselves here at the muckraker, we think it’s important we bring this dangerous secret to light. if anyone knows a good anti-hex protector, contact us! who knows how she may retaliate to this article.

HOCKEY HUNK LOSING HIS TOUCH? (pg 6)

while we’re not sure why, it seems hockey all star and new directions golden boy @julien-schuester​ was seen striking up conversation with @taemoonbeiste​! that’s right, taemin beiste. in case like us you didn’t know who that is, he is NOT a foreign exchange student, but rather theo beiste’s less athletically inclined little brother. why rising star julien would give this nobody the time of day? we aren’t sure, but we sure do hope that it doesn’t bump down his cool factor! the mullet already does that for him. 

5YOW NO MORE! TATUM THREATENS TO LEAVE BAND AFTER SCANDAL! (pg 8)

after last weeks prom lip syncing scandal, no wonder it’s come out that five years of winter’s @tatumfm​ has been threatening to leave the band! as far as we’ve heard, the lip syncing wasn’t his idea and he called it would backfire! of course, the idea was planted in his head long ago by one finn schuester, but their botched performance being exposed is allegedly the catalyst for him stepping down from the group to pursue solo efforts. maybe if he got out of lima he’d actually find some success.

 NEW COUPLE MAKES NO DAMN SENSE! WHAT IS IN THE LIMA WATER? (pg 10)

so @archerxcs​ bounced back very quickly from his prom night hook up with ivy st.james in the mckinley bathrooms! a source has confirmed that clarington-smythe has found a new romantic conquest in trainwreck @sunshinestephaniekoo​! seeing as this is another new couple that makes absolutely no sense, we can’t help but wonder what this pair has in common other than having the same coke dealer on speed dial. 

MORE BABY DADDY DRAMA! ONCE AGAIN, WTF IS IN THE WATER LIMA?(pg 12)

unsurprisingly there’s already trouble in paradise for new parents @mason-lynn​ and @patienceish​. while their little benny is adorable as seen in their constant flooding of our instagram feeds, a fan of ours wrote in with a hot little tip. apparently the readers aunt works at the hospital and has reported that mason is NOT the father of benjamin noah brady blah blah blah lynn! this only begs the question of, who the hell is?

FINN SCHUESTER ; APPARENTLY LESS OF A SQUARE THAN WE THOUGHT! (pg 14)

arguably my favorite tip of the week, it turns out  @finnschuesters much less boring than we initially thought! an inside source has told us that finn and her intern @leo-mccarthy​ have gotten down and dirty at the lima public radio studios! we don’t blame them, working a  job that should’ve ceased to exist about a decade ago can only be so entertaining. the only unexpected aspect of it all is that both of these loner snooze fests were freaky enough to do it at their place of work! it really is the quiet ones, huh. hey! radio may be a dying art, but apparently the classic boss/secretary porn trope isn’t!

ALEXIS CAN’T BE TAMED, YET HERE WE ARE. (pg 2)

as much of a secret that @alexiscsmythe​ tries to keep her drinking habits and her hook ups from her dads, considering how fast word travels around lima we all know she carves her way through men faster than she does whole bottles of wine. the question is does @kaplake​ know? not that a woman being a slut maters in the year of 2040, but it seems that only a few weeks ago alexis was crawling into bed with any guy who had a pulse, now she’s taking extravagant trips with on again off again lover, kap. what changed? is there an ulterior motive? we can’t say anything for sure other than we hope kap is ready to deal with heartbreak.

WHO’S YOUR DADDY? (pg 4)

in a shocking twist of events, a source has reported that lima no longer as to speculate the identity of @naomipuck​‘s baby daddy because it’s no other than @tracehummelandersons​. being on of a handful of lima’s himbo’s, it isn’t surprising to learn that trace has a kid floating around somewhere. luckily for us, we get to see this situation unfold as tracy steps into fatherhood with naomi as his baby mama. his mysterious return to lima is finally making some sense, huh?

REALITY SETTLES IN FOR NEW FATHER. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE DIAPERS! (pg 6)

as it turns out, fatherhood isn’t as easy as local idiot @mason-lynn​ seemed to have initially anticipated. while he’s done the bare minimum and seemed to have retreated from lima’s party scene to take care of his son, sources report that he’s done nothing but complain. whether it be from complaints about sex to trying to find time to play video games, it seems that’s all he’s done. complain. if i were patience, i would simply leave him and find a more promising father for my son before he disappoints in a big way.

L IS FOR LET IT GO, REGGIE! (pg 8)

@reggiemartinez​ and @eli-stjames​ were the hot item for quite some time. despite the messy break up, a source has reported that reggie still has the hots for eli! apparently at that woodland birthday bash last week, reggie lured eli into the woods before getting “lost” so that he could confess his love for her. personally, i’d love to see them get back together, but realistically? reggie needs to let it go and let the little lesbian live. 

COUGAR INFESTATION IN OUR OWN BACKYARD! (pg 10)

despite his current girlfriend being just sixteen, apparently @leo-mccarthy​ has a thing for older women. first finn schuester, now @ohbcth​. according to our source, the pair was waiting for summer to come to officially make their moves on one another and what better cover for an affair than making their debut as a directorial duo? if this doesn’t break up ivy and leo, i don’t know what will, but for the sake of those horrible hets coming to an end, i’m going to hope it’s true and sleep sounder tonight. 

BACHELOR AND BACHELORETTE TURNED BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND. (pg 12)

sources say @kadenabrams​ and @ljhollidays​ have officially uncommitted from being non committal as they move into this relationship with one another. this is one couple that will definitely be turning heads considering kaden’s been known to make his way through lima girls faster than winnie-love goes through hair extensions and lj had been seen hanging around eli st.james. while this couple is odd, i guess the power of a bone sesh and a few coffee dates are enough to turn lima’s flakiest into lovebirds. best of luck to the happy couple?