#hunter slade

JOEY HUMMEL-ANDERSON’S WEEK OFF! (pg 2)

after many-a-drag about his actual ass here in the muckraker, a source has reported that @joeyhqs​ has toned down his twinking around lima because he crossed the border over into indiana to get some major work done for the week. apart from some preemptive botox and an alleged face lift, it seems that he got a brazilian butt lift. using what body fat? the answer is unclear, but what is clear? joey got some work done and the twinking will probably resume as usual!

BURNING THROUGH THE BURN OUTS, LJ HOLLIDAY BANGS ALL! (pg 4)

in a shocking turn of events @ljhollidays​​ was spotted at lima’s premier hook up hot spot, the view, with @wrenschuester​​! i’m not sure what makes those brown baggers so appealing, but it seems lj has joined the slew of others here in lima who has been unfortunate enough to hook up with at least three of that crew! let’s just hope that tweet of kaden’s about getting tested was true and lj didn’t swap stds with wren!

DING DONG THOSE WICKED HETS ARE GONE! (pg 6)

i don’t often become emotionally invested in a story, but this story feels like a victory that has been months in the making. those atrocious heterosexuals, @leo-mccarthy​​ and @ivystjamess​​ have finally called it quits. the reasons why are beyond me, i don’t know, and quite frankly i don’t care, but if i had to guess, it probably had something to do with the fact ivy is known to be. . . get around and needed a little more than a greasy film nerd to satisfy her needs.

RUBY MOVES IN ON GRAYSON, WATCH OUT WINNIE! (pg 8)

all of lima was rocked to it’s core when @graysonlopezpierce​​ cheated on @rubyzizes​​ with @winniclove​​! in months passed we’ve come to accept that their relationship is what it is and they’re off being the definition of a straight couple with a girl way out of the guys league. anyhow, i’ve had a very reliable source tell me that ruby is putting the moves on grayson in hopes of stealing her man right from under winnie’s nose and giving her a taste of her own medicine.

WINNIE CHEATS AGAIN? (pg 10)

as mentioned in the previous story, ruby is plotting to steal winnie’s man, but does winnie even care? sources say @winniclove​ was seen cozying up with lima’s loveable church boy @drewharts​ at the lima bean. given their history i wouldn’t be surprised if it very soon became very public that these two are once again hooking up. sorry ruby, but it looks like your master plan might be for nothing!

CANCER SEASON FLOPPED! (pg 12)

cancers are already a flop of a zodiac sign as is, but that has crept into the personal lives of @hunterxslade​, @jrdnabrams​, @alexiscsmythe​, and @graysonlopezpierce​ seeing as all of their birthdays flopped! this only further proves how much as a zodiac sign, cancer sucks! there was no passing out drunk, no crazy hook ups, alexis didn’t even publicly indulge her alcoholism for all of lima to laugh at! regardless of the floppage, i’m just absolutely thrilled for cancer season to be over and sail smoothly into leo. hopefully something interesting will actually come of those parties!

CHEERIO CHEATS ON LOSER WITH FOOTBALL PLAYER, IS ANYONE SURPRISED? (pg 2)

anyone with eyes and ears could tell things were tense between lima’s most unlikely couple @ivystjamess​ and @leo-mccarthy​ at prom. what they might not be aware of is that one ivy st.james was getting busy in the bathroom AGAIN. sources tell us she was seen sneaking in there with @archerxcs​. this was later confirmed by an after party goer who admitted to hearing ivy tell lemon sterling-duval that her and archer had shared a kiss. given her track record with boys though, we’d be surprised if it was just a kiss. who could blame her though? leo mccarthy has the classic case of lima loser waiting to happen. 

SLUT STRIKES BACK! (pg 4)

catfight! according to our sources @winniclove​ was walking around prom with a welt worthy of the guinness book of world records on her face. it came to no surprise when the plot thickened that @rubyzizes​ was the one responsible for slapping winnie. given their history with grayson, some may argue that winnie deserved a lot worse, but personally here at the muckraker we find ruby zizes to be a literal attention whore. it’s no wonder one would be jealous of winnie-love karofsky, but we find it kind of sad when it’s a girl who was cheated on the dumped out of her first relationship. some people just aren’t meant to find love! and they shouldn’t take it out on the beautiful like winnie.

PROSTITUTION FOR PROM PRINCESS VOTES? (pg 4)

it came as a shock to just about everyone that @shanepuck​ won prom princess. while there were allegations tossed around about bella lopez-pierce stuffing the ballot box, with her status as the only cheerleading glee club member on the ballot, we figured she would likely be a shoe in. but shortly after prom we learned there was a wrench thrown in the mix by shane! seeing her date boring hart as mckinley’s prom prince frontrunner activated those psycho puckerman-fabray genes! a week prior to prom she was offering herself up to multiple male staff members in exchange for the elections to sway her way. this was brought to us by her sister, emory puckerman. god, i love when those girls go crazy!

5YOW? MORE LIKE FIVE YEARS TILL FAILURE! (pg 6)

@hunterxslade​, @graysonlopezpierce​,and @tatumfm​ make up 5 years of winter, or more commonly referred to as 5yow. but their performance at prom left people thinking 5yowza! many students report things just generally seeming off and to us here at the muckraker we instantly knew that meant lip syncing! there’s a history of lip syncing scandals at mckinley and we wouldn’t be shocked to hear that these has-been’s waiting to happen are the latest in the list of lip syncing embarrassments! 

PUNCH BOWL CULPRITS SAVE PROM (pg 8)

for the most part, prom was a predictable snooze fest! the only thing that spiced it up was @aliviaporter​ and @kadenabrams​ joint effort to spike the punch bowl. though somebody usually spikes it, seeing drunk underage kids flopping around a dance floor all night really makes prom something special. we just hope alivia doesn’t catch feelings for kaden like she does with any guy who gives her an extra minute of attention.

TROUBLE IN PROM ROYALTY PARADISE (pg 10)

predictably @lemonsterling​ and @tj-beiste​ took home the title of prom king and queen, but it seems a saving grace @leiaevans​ crept in and provided some much needed drama for this eventual pta mom and coach dad. in an intimate hallway tryst, leia evans was overhead confessing her love for theo which put so called, ‘themon’ at odds for the rest of the evening to make matters even more interesting lemon was spotted kissing @tracehummelandersons​ at LJ’s prom after party. these two really can’t go more than a week without incident! i unfortunately doubt it’ll be the thing that i’m hoping breaks them up, how boring could they get?

JULIEN SCHUESTER MOVING IN A DEW DIRECTION (pg 12)

our sources say even in spite of taking crazy ex-girlfriend emory puckerman to prom, @julien-schuester​ hooked up with @roryslade​ in his own brothers office! which is kind of disgusting, but after their duet we aren’t surprised to hear reports of such a thing. rory slade notoriously throws herself at any guy older than her or who might give her an edge on tense glee club competition, which, julien fits the bill for both. while they quite literally defiled the choir room, we can only hope julien ditching emory results in some broken bones for rory and a new set of slashed tires for julien!

EMORY PUCKERMAN IS STILL CRAZY AND WE AREN’T SHOCKED! (pg 2)

this week we got a hot little tip from @drewharts​ about our favorite psycho @emorypuckerman​. he’s told us that before taking @shanepuck​ to prom, emory threatened him with a kitchen knife! while we aren’t surprised he waited until it was absolutely dire to come forward with this piece of information, we are shocked to hear of all people emory would threaten drew! this church boy is the perfect level of boring that you’d want your sister going out with! that’s none of our business of course, apparently some people’s issues with men just run that deep.

CHEATERS NEVER WIN. (pg 4)

while this source elected to remain anonymous, they tell us that their best friend hooked up with @hunterxslade​ in the back of his record shop! this comes as a surprise to absolutely nobody considering that both sofia and alivia were born boring. all we have to say is our hearts here at the muckraker go out to sofia, but maybe if she developed a personality her boyfriend would stop cheating on her! all and all, we can’t help but wonder what kind of other skeleton’s hunter might be hiding!

MCKINLEY TITANS? MORE LIKE MCKINLEY CRABS! (pg 6)

@julien-schuester​ and @roryslade​‘s prom night hook up was nothing short of muckraker material (as seen in our prom issue) but as it turns out, little miss daddy issues has tested positive for those pesky crotch pheasants! how do we know this? well none other than @emorypuckerman​ seemed eager to dish this dirt on her ex. and to make matters worse? we hear julien and rory are both refusing to tell their other hook ups about their downstairs infestation! yikes!

COLUMBIA BOUND CUTIE HOOKED ON SPEED! (pg 8)

@sunshinestephaniekoo​ is a legit psycho! but as it turns out there might be a reason behind her irrational mood swings, random relationships, and questionable relationship with her parents. lima’s very own escobar @eli-stjames​ has told us that stephanie is one of her most frequent buyers which is “why she acts so cracked out all the time” in eli’s very own words! here at the muckraker we can only hope she gets help, or maybe she doesn’t, regardless it will be entertaining for us!

TROUBLETONES IN TREBLE? (pg 10)

despite continued efforts, it’s no secret that no other glee clubs at mckinley high don’t hold a candle to the new directions. so when @roryslade​ sent in that troubletones coach @ohbcth​ was attempting to snatch her away from the new directions, we just had to publish it! while all female show choirs can be done right, we have to wonder what’s going so wrong in the troubletones that beth has resorted to poaching! more importantly, we can’t wait to see what kind of fall out this causes between beth and new directions co-directors daniel schuester and blaine hummel-anderson.

THE ST.JAMES’ AREN’T OVER THE RELIZABETH BREAK UP & NEITHER ARE WE. (pg 12)

half of lima must have been heartbroken when @reggiemartinez​ and @eli-stjames​ called it quits, but in a not so shocking turn of events, reggie has sent in a tip saying rachel and jesse st.james bribed him to try and get back together with eli! he’s reported that rachel begged him, “please take the money.” to which jesse responded, “we could actually stand her while you were around.” while this may come as a surprise to some, we see no reason why reggie would lie and we expect nothing short of this kind of crazy from the st.james bunch. we’re wishing eli the best, we can already tell this week is gonna be rough and the last thing we wanna write is an obituary for an overdose.