#ruby zizes

JOEY HUMMEL-ANDERSON’S WEEK OFF! (pg 2)

after many-a-drag about his actual ass here in the muckraker, a source has reported that @joeyhqs​ has toned down his twinking around lima because he crossed the border over into indiana to get some major work done for the week. apart from some preemptive botox and an alleged face lift, it seems that he got a brazilian butt lift. using what body fat? the answer is unclear, but what is clear? joey got some work done and the twinking will probably resume as usual!

BURNING THROUGH THE BURN OUTS, LJ HOLLIDAY BANGS ALL! (pg 4)

in a shocking turn of events @ljhollidays​​ was spotted at lima’s premier hook up hot spot, the view, with @wrenschuester​​! i’m not sure what makes those brown baggers so appealing, but it seems lj has joined the slew of others here in lima who has been unfortunate enough to hook up with at least three of that crew! let’s just hope that tweet of kaden’s about getting tested was true and lj didn’t swap stds with wren!

DING DONG THOSE WICKED HETS ARE GONE! (pg 6)

i don’t often become emotionally invested in a story, but this story feels like a victory that has been months in the making. those atrocious heterosexuals, @leo-mccarthy​​ and @ivystjamess​​ have finally called it quits. the reasons why are beyond me, i don’t know, and quite frankly i don’t care, but if i had to guess, it probably had something to do with the fact ivy is known to be. . . get around and needed a little more than a greasy film nerd to satisfy her needs.

RUBY MOVES IN ON GRAYSON, WATCH OUT WINNIE! (pg 8)

all of lima was rocked to it’s core when @graysonlopezpierce​​ cheated on @rubyzizes​​ with @winniclove​​! in months passed we’ve come to accept that their relationship is what it is and they’re off being the definition of a straight couple with a girl way out of the guys league. anyhow, i’ve had a very reliable source tell me that ruby is putting the moves on grayson in hopes of stealing her man right from under winnie’s nose and giving her a taste of her own medicine.

WINNIE CHEATS AGAIN? (pg 10)

as mentioned in the previous story, ruby is plotting to steal winnie’s man, but does winnie even care? sources say @winniclove​ was seen cozying up with lima’s loveable church boy @drewharts​ at the lima bean. given their history i wouldn’t be surprised if it very soon became very public that these two are once again hooking up. sorry ruby, but it looks like your master plan might be for nothing!

CANCER SEASON FLOPPED! (pg 12)

cancers are already a flop of a zodiac sign as is, but that has crept into the personal lives of @hunterxslade​, @jrdnabrams​, @alexiscsmythe​, and @graysonlopezpierce​ seeing as all of their birthdays flopped! this only further proves how much as a zodiac sign, cancer sucks! there was no passing out drunk, no crazy hook ups, alexis didn’t even publicly indulge her alcoholism for all of lima to laugh at! regardless of the floppage, i’m just absolutely thrilled for cancer season to be over and sail smoothly into leo. hopefully something interesting will actually come of those parties!

CHEERIO CHEATS ON LOSER WITH FOOTBALL PLAYER, IS ANYONE SURPRISED? (pg 2)

anyone with eyes and ears could tell things were tense between lima’s most unlikely couple @ivystjamess​ and @leo-mccarthy​ at prom. what they might not be aware of is that one ivy st.james was getting busy in the bathroom AGAIN. sources tell us she was seen sneaking in there with @archerxcs​. this was later confirmed by an after party goer who admitted to hearing ivy tell lemon sterling-duval that her and archer had shared a kiss. given her track record with boys though, we’d be surprised if it was just a kiss. who could blame her though? leo mccarthy has the classic case of lima loser waiting to happen. 

SLUT STRIKES BACK! (pg 4)

catfight! according to our sources @winniclove​ was walking around prom with a welt worthy of the guinness book of world records on her face. it came to no surprise when the plot thickened that @rubyzizes​ was the one responsible for slapping winnie. given their history with grayson, some may argue that winnie deserved a lot worse, but personally here at the muckraker we find ruby zizes to be a literal attention whore. it’s no wonder one would be jealous of winnie-love karofsky, but we find it kind of sad when it’s a girl who was cheated on the dumped out of her first relationship. some people just aren’t meant to find love! and they shouldn’t take it out on the beautiful like winnie.

PROSTITUTION FOR PROM PRINCESS VOTES? (pg 4)

it came as a shock to just about everyone that @shanepuck​ won prom princess. while there were allegations tossed around about bella lopez-pierce stuffing the ballot box, with her status as the only cheerleading glee club member on the ballot, we figured she would likely be a shoe in. but shortly after prom we learned there was a wrench thrown in the mix by shane! seeing her date boring hart as mckinley’s prom prince frontrunner activated those psycho puckerman-fabray genes! a week prior to prom she was offering herself up to multiple male staff members in exchange for the elections to sway her way. this was brought to us by her sister, emory puckerman. god, i love when those girls go crazy!

5YOW? MORE LIKE FIVE YEARS TILL FAILURE! (pg 6)

@hunterxslade​, @graysonlopezpierce​,and @tatumfm​ make up 5 years of winter, or more commonly referred to as 5yow. but their performance at prom left people thinking 5yowza! many students report things just generally seeming off and to us here at the muckraker we instantly knew that meant lip syncing! there’s a history of lip syncing scandals at mckinley and we wouldn’t be shocked to hear that these has-been’s waiting to happen are the latest in the list of lip syncing embarrassments! 

PUNCH BOWL CULPRITS SAVE PROM (pg 8)

for the most part, prom was a predictable snooze fest! the only thing that spiced it up was @aliviaporter​ and @kadenabrams​ joint effort to spike the punch bowl. though somebody usually spikes it, seeing drunk underage kids flopping around a dance floor all night really makes prom something special. we just hope alivia doesn’t catch feelings for kaden like she does with any guy who gives her an extra minute of attention.

TROUBLE IN PROM ROYALTY PARADISE (pg 10)

predictably @lemonsterling​ and @tj-beiste​ took home the title of prom king and queen, but it seems a saving grace @leiaevans​ crept in and provided some much needed drama for this eventual pta mom and coach dad. in an intimate hallway tryst, leia evans was overhead confessing her love for theo which put so called, ‘themon’ at odds for the rest of the evening to make matters even more interesting lemon was spotted kissing @tracehummelandersons​ at LJ’s prom after party. these two really can’t go more than a week without incident! i unfortunately doubt it’ll be the thing that i’m hoping breaks them up, how boring could they get?

JULIEN SCHUESTER MOVING IN A DEW DIRECTION (pg 12)

our sources say even in spite of taking crazy ex-girlfriend emory puckerman to prom, @julien-schuester​ hooked up with @roryslade​ in his own brothers office! which is kind of disgusting, but after their duet we aren’t surprised to hear reports of such a thing. rory slade notoriously throws herself at any guy older than her or who might give her an edge on tense glee club competition, which, julien fits the bill for both. while they quite literally defiled the choir room, we can only hope julien ditching emory results in some broken bones for rory and a new set of slashed tires for julien!

                                                                     INDEX

SERIAL CHEATER: FROM BOYFRIENDS TO BALLOTS (page 2)

IT WAS NO SURPRISE, when we got a tip that @wtfbclla​ is planning on cheating, but this time it isn’t in a relationship! according to our source, who wishes to remain anonymous, bella lopez-pierce is going to stuff the ballot box prom night to secure her win for prom princess. hopefully this article alerts the wmhs prom committee to the threat. cheating seems to be in bella’s nature, and while we’re all for the scandal, we want prom princess to be a fair fight between those three foxy ladies!

MCKINLEY ROYALTY TO TURN TRAILER PARK PRINCESS? (page 4)

EVERYONE HAS BEEN ANTICIPATING, just how well @patienceish​ is going to fare once her son is born. all year she’s done nothing but assure everyone about her plan of attending college full time, but we aren’t confident she’ll feel that’s so possible once she realizes how strenuous motherhood is. not to mention the bills that are going to come with that alleged dream home she’s bought. combined, the debt she’s looking at is astronomical! patience, mason, and matience jr. are undoubtedly bound for trailer park living after falling from their high school peak come graduation. sources even report patience is already acting the part and has been see behaving irate and trashy. looks like this couple is bound to join the cast of the real housewives of lima heights in a few years time!

CELLBLOCK TANGO: BROADWAY’S BABY BEHIND BARS? (page 6)

TURNS OUT, @graysonlopezpierce​ can’t take a punch! for a multitude of rumored reasons, we know @eli-stjames​ gave him a good punch and a swift kick at lemon and kaden’s rager a few weeks ago. well now it’s come out that grayson plans on pressing assault and battery charges! yikes! we doubt even eli’s rich mommy and daddy can bail her out of this one. we hope it was worth it because we suspect that the oldest st.james daughter isn’t going to look very good in orange. but just to prove we can see the good in all situations, we hope that eli ends up very happy with the prison wife she bound to inevitably obtain! finally, someone to help her move on from vic.

TATUM KAROFSKY’S REAL DAD STEPS FORWARD, WATCH OUT WINNIE! (page 8)

MYSTERIOUS HEARTTHROB, @tatumfm​ has always lingered in the shadow of his sister’s shining star. turns out, winnie isn’t the only one with connections to hollywood. famous wrestler turned actor, dwayne “the rock” johnson has come forward about an affair he had in 2019, resulting in a birth to a baby boy in 2020. this lines up perfectly with one tatum karofsky’s origin story, and to be honest? we can see the resemblance between the two! we only hope tatum hits up daddy dearest soon so he can get his fifteen minutes of fame before the male pattern baldness kicks in!

OLD HABITS DIE HARD, JO RUTHERFORD POPS PILLS IN PUBLIC! (page 10)

IT’S NO SECRET THAT @jorutherford​‘s prolonged absence from mckinley had to do with the fact she got carted off to rehab. all seemed to be going well until we got an anonymous tip that maybe rehab didn’t do it’s job all too well. or at all for that matter. jo was seen popping pills in the locker room before her gym class. we knew she was a careless wreck, but we didn’t think she was this careless. it was only a matter of time before jo fell back off the wagon, everyone was waiting for it, but we hope to see her still living and breathing at prom! that way she can maybe share with the baby drug addicts.

ASPIRING LAWYER HAS NO MORAL CODE. ARE WE SURPRISED? (page 12)

THERE’S A COUNTLESS number of complicated romances in lima, but more recently we’ve received word that @alexiscsmythe​ has been hooking up with @wrenschuester​‘s ex, @ncalanderson​. wren tends to be a pretty go with the flow kind of gal, so we’re curious to see if she cuts ties with alexis or not. personally, we think it might be time to cut that cord anyway. it’s not like neal is worth it, but alexis seems to have a future of alcoholism ahead of her. if wren was smart, she’d slap that bitch and invest in a new bestie.

RUBY ZIZES INVOLVED IN YET ANOTHER SEX SCANDAL (page 14)

THE MOST RECENT of many scandals for her, is that @rubyzizes​ was involved in a gang bang with the male members of the so called ‘brown baggers’ @kadenabrams​, @tracehummelandersons​, and @graysonlopezpierce​ have all hit it with her at least once before, so it wouldn’t surprise us if those bros wanted to do her together. considering the recent drama with ruby and grayson, we can only imagine that poor girl would be willing to do anything for him. oh well, not like she had much dignity left anyhow! 

a note from the man behind the muck, jacob ben israel ii; devoted lima losers, here at the muckraker we took extra care and precaution to publish this issue. as a fellow homosexual, i view the people in this issue as my brothers and sisters. the slandering about to ensue is simply in the name of equality. happy pride month lima!

FEMINIST! LESBIAN! VAGINA! MURDER? (pg 2)

in the weeks since prom, we’ve seen @ljhollidays​ and @eli-stjames​ cozying up to one another. while in passing one might think this to be a rising sapphic power couple, unfortunately we think lj has targeted eli as her next victim. it is a simple fact that criminals (ie; murderers and drug dealers) flock together. we at the muckraker think the enigmatic new girl is plotting to slaughter eli, steal her drug empire, then skip town. 

MIDDLE CHILD LIES FOR ATTENTION IN ANOTHER PREDICTABLE TALE. (pg 4)

we’ve all come to know and appreciate the general bumminess of one @wrenschuester​! but this week we got a hot little tip saying that wren’s being lying about her sexuality for years in an attempt to get the attention from her peers that she never got from her parents! personally, i don’t think that’s something to joke about point blank period, even if you’re a nineteen year old burn out! #wrenschuesterisoverpary!!

THERE’S MORE THAN SKELETON’S IN THE KOO CLOSET, STEPH’S THERE TOO! (pg 6)

according to one of our more reliable sources, @sunshinestephaniekoo is actually a raging lesbian! this really makes a whole lot of sense to why she seems to be coked out and constantly acting crazy. it’s tough in there steph, but hopefully this gave you that push you needed! what better time than pride month to make that step into the light? or don’t and keep acting psychotic, i personally will be entertained.

BONERZ 4 JESUS: THE DREW HART STORY (pg 8)

for once, in an actual shocking development,it turns out @drewharts​ may be gay! a source has told us that in a drunken attempt of a hook up, he couldn’t get it up! is this because since the winnie incident he’s saving the rest of himself for christ or is it much less holy than that? another source has said he started tutoring joey because he has his first boy crush! the picture is painted more and more clearly. never did i think i would see the day winnie-love karofsky as a beard.

A TALE OF TWO BROTHERS (pg 10) 

turns out @softlcvers​ and @kylerxlynn​ aren’t so perfect! there’s trouble in garadise (gay paradise)! we’ve gotten an influx of reporters stating that sawyer is only with kyler because he’s got a hard on for football dummy turned dad mason! this would explain the sudden moves sawyer made on kyler as his attempts to get closer to mason. we wish sawyer luck in his efforts and hope we didn’t set them back by publishing this article! congrats on finally being interesting!

PUCKHEAD SKILLED WITH STICKS AND DICKS? (pg 12)

arguably the best tip we’ve gotten is another classic jock/cheerio hook up you won’t want to miss hearing! @joeyhqs​ is a dear friend and top tier informant to us here at the muckraker and he’s revealed that him and @julien-schuester​ have been seeing each other on the side! this comes as a shock considering the scandal with emory, ivy, and rory, julien has been wrapped up in! but hey, julien always has been suspiciously good at musical theatre for a straight guy.