* ｍｕｃｋｒａｋｅｒ!

WHO’S KEEPING WINNIE’S BED WARM? (pg 2)

@winniclove​ has been noticeably absent from our dreary little town as of late. while it’s no secret she’s filming her big comeback in a guest starring role, sources say she won’t be making a comeback to grayson anytime soon. winnie’s star was already outshining his own and now with this added distance, it only makes sense she’d be leaving that janitor in the dust! the only question left? who’s cleaning up after her now? if you have any tips, please get in touch ASAP!

SILLY FINN! LEO’S FOR KIDS! (pg 4)

whatever is going on between @leo-mccarthy​ and @finnschuesters​ is definitely questionable, right? other than the surprise leo was capable of moving on so quickly, is anyone going to talk about the fact they went on a seemingly romantic getaway to chicago? even though i never would’ve painted finn as a cradle snatcher, i have to hand it to the new couple (?) it was a turn nobody expected to come from the publishing of their little hook up. let’s just hope finn doesn’t keel over and die before leo actually develops a personality beyond brooding!

THE BOY IS BACK! (pg 6)

surprisingly, within the midst of all this cross country, mamma mia drama, somehow @brokelynsd​ managed to throw everyone for another loop when he returned from the dead! sure, we’ve all known he’s been in new york, but it’s not like he, you know, made any efforts to stay connected to lima. can we as a collective blame him though? there’s no doubt it must’ve burned when he found out his long term girlfriend was cheating on him with another chick. who’s gonna tell him naomi and eli are back on though? and when somebody does? give me all the details!

NYU DROPOUT! HE’S STUCK IN LIMA! (pg 8)

so once golden boy @tracehummelandersons​ seems to be back in lima for good! i’m still not sure why he’s back to stay, but a reliable source has told me he’s trading in those silver screen dreams for that horrendous blue mechanic jumpsuit. yes, that’s right, lima’s dearest tracy has dropped out of school and seems to be in lima to stay! welcome to lima loserhood trace, sorry you fell short of filling those gigantic shoes set before you! better luck next lifetime. i hear your friend eli has been dealing lately if you get tired sweating over people’s cars!

CHASE TWO GIRLS, LOSE THEM BOTH! (pg 10)

to nobody’s surprise, @julien-schuester​ decided to go behind girlfriend @roryslade​‘s back and get his dick wet with @ivystjamess​. you all know the saying, those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it, blah, blah, blah. according to our sources, rory has is still yet to dump julien which? only shows me she’s more messed up than we all may have initially thought. ivy clearly has some perpetual pining for julien. and julien? well it’s obvious he’s a whore. though there isn’t much word on any epic blow ups from rory’s end, she burned julien in another way by performing as well as she did thursday night? and ivy? i heard she’s not speaking to him. but we’ll see how long that lasts. let’s just hope julien has some better car insurance since his last little fuck up!

MAMMA MIA! : A REVIEW BY JACOB BEN ISRAEL II (pg 12)

three words; drama, dad’s, and duds. seeing as i am lima’s most reliable source for anything and everything important, it makes sense the crowds would come swarming for the only review that matters. we all know and love the story of mamma mia, so i’ll save all the boring plot stuff. here’s what i’ll say, cream of the crop: rory slade, baby puckerman, ruby zizes. flops? theo beiste, joey hummel-anderson, leia evans. for me, rory just hit every mark! baby is insane, but it brought a dynamic presence to each of her few scenes. and ruby? talk about a breakout star, unexpected and pleasing, i for one would’ve given someone with her ability and confidence levels tanya, but that’s just me. as for my flops, theo beiste is so stupid you can see it from the nosebleeds! everyone roots for pepper a little and i just didn’t. as for joey, casting a gay as a gay? boring. that’s all i’ll say on that front. and leia’s performance as sophie? talk about a snooze fest. too sweet without enough fire. in whole, the performance was fun and up to mckinley standard, but next show i hope for an actual competent director not afraid to make daring choices. three and a half stars out of five.

MOMMY ISSUES TO THE MAX. (pg 2)

it’s no secret @haydengrace-anderson​ has no issue bringing up her own issues when it comes to having grown up without a mother, but as it turns out there may be more of a reason as to why she’s been hyperfixated on motherhood lately! a trustworthy source reported in to us that they spotted hayden at the book store eyeing what to expect when you’re expecting among other parenting books. the last thing lima needs is another hummel-anderson running about, but this story will be one to watch closely!

OFFEND ONE THEATRE KID, GET THE WHOLE GLEE CLUB. (pg 4)

some lessons, unfortunately, are only learned the hard way. @harperpucks​ tries to act mysterious and aloof, but finds himself in a fair amount of twitter beef for such a cool and unfeeling kid. most recently, he tweeted about being free from the annoying musical theatre kids only to have both rory slade and ivy st.james clap back at him. as much as i agree about this past weekend having been peaceful, it’s not worth the embarrassment to get so riled up on twitter.

BAD BOYS ON THE LOOSE! (pg 6)

sources say that lima’s resident twink @joeyhqs​ was seen scampering around new york with @archerxcs​ after curfew to presumably hook up! this plan was incredibly stupid and unsafe which leads me to believe this undoubtedly had to be a joey hummel-anderson original. these two were lucky to not get stabbed and all i can say is that i hope the dick was worth it.

(S)MOTHER(ED) (pg 8)

@bbpuckerman​ is undoubtedly kind of a loose screw and whether that’s because she comes from an actual a nuthouse of a home or has no actual friends is up for debate. i personally think it’s a combination of the two and quinn fabray-puckerman’s helicoptering of her youngest daughter isn’t doing much to help the bad case of the cuckoos baby has come down with! my advice? cut that cord and get your own life, baby! 

LIMA DRUG SCENE ESCALATES INTO FULL BLOWN WAR?! (pg 10)

unassuming @nikolcscs​ has a dark secret and that’s actually that he’s a drug lord! a reliable source has fed us information that his heart of gold is simply an elaborate coverup for the skeleton’s in his closet. the source also says young upstart in the industry, @eli-stjames​ has made nikolas mad in things in lima are about to get messy! stay safe, lima!

WEDDING BELLS ARE RINGING! (pg 12)

as it turns out, this weekend @lemonsterling swapped some pom-poms for a bouquet and eloped with her high school sweetheart @tj-beiste​ in new york of all places! the only surprising thing about this is that lemon has yet to change her instagram handle to lemonbeiste. as vomit inducing as this union is, we can only hope the fact it came so early means we’ll be seeing an annulment before they start popping out any kids.

JOEY HUMMEL-ANDERSON’S WEEK OFF! (pg 2)

after many-a-drag about his actual ass here in the muckraker, a source has reported that @joeyhqs​ has toned down his twinking around lima because he crossed the border over into indiana to get some major work done for the week. apart from some preemptive botox and an alleged face lift, it seems that he got a brazilian butt lift. using what body fat? the answer is unclear, but what is clear? joey got some work done and the twinking will probably resume as usual!

BURNING THROUGH THE BURN OUTS, LJ HOLLIDAY BANGS ALL! (pg 4)

in a shocking turn of events @ljhollidays​​ was spotted at lima’s premier hook up hot spot, the view, with @wrenschuester​​! i’m not sure what makes those brown baggers so appealing, but it seems lj has joined the slew of others here in lima who has been unfortunate enough to hook up with at least three of that crew! let’s just hope that tweet of kaden’s about getting tested was true and lj didn’t swap stds with wren!

DING DONG THOSE WICKED HETS ARE GONE! (pg 6)

i don’t often become emotionally invested in a story, but this story feels like a victory that has been months in the making. those atrocious heterosexuals, @leo-mccarthy​​ and @ivystjamess​​ have finally called it quits. the reasons why are beyond me, i don’t know, and quite frankly i don’t care, but if i had to guess, it probably had something to do with the fact ivy is known to be. . . get around and needed a little more than a greasy film nerd to satisfy her needs.

RUBY MOVES IN ON GRAYSON, WATCH OUT WINNIE! (pg 8)

all of lima was rocked to it’s core when @graysonlopezpierce​​ cheated on @rubyzizes​​ with @winniclove​​! in months passed we’ve come to accept that their relationship is what it is and they’re off being the definition of a straight couple with a girl way out of the guys league. anyhow, i’ve had a very reliable source tell me that ruby is putting the moves on grayson in hopes of stealing her man right from under winnie’s nose and giving her a taste of her own medicine.

WINNIE CHEATS AGAIN? (pg 10)

as mentioned in the previous story, ruby is plotting to steal winnie’s man, but does winnie even care? sources say @winniclove​ was seen cozying up with lima’s loveable church boy @drewharts​ at the lima bean. given their history i wouldn’t be surprised if it very soon became very public that these two are once again hooking up. sorry ruby, but it looks like your master plan might be for nothing!

CANCER SEASON FLOPPED! (pg 12)

cancers are already a flop of a zodiac sign as is, but that has crept into the personal lives of @hunterxslade​, @jrdnabrams​, @alexiscsmythe​, and @graysonlopezpierce​ seeing as all of their birthdays flopped! this only further proves how much as a zodiac sign, cancer sucks! there was no passing out drunk, no crazy hook ups, alexis didn’t even publicly indulge her alcoholism for all of lima to laugh at! regardless of the floppage, i’m just absolutely thrilled for cancer season to be over and sail smoothly into leo. hopefully something interesting will actually come of those parties!

THE BOYS IN LIMA BETTER WATCH THEIR BACKS! ALIVIA’S PREPPING FOR HALLOWEEN A LITTLE EARLY. (pg 2)

it’s no secret that @aliviaporter​ will fall in love with any guy that simply looks in her direction. this had led to a string of failed relationships and many rejections to the girl that just spends her life acting like a real life cinderella, but apparently alivia’s grown tired of waiting for her prince charming and has taken matters into her own hands. some of her most notable romances are @tj-beiste​ and @tracehummelandersons​. both of who didn’t want her because of prom queen @lemonsterling​ and now she’s planning on doing a seance to make theo and trace both fall in love with her and turn lemon into the ugly step-sister.

WATCH OUT FOR CRACKERIE! (pg 4)

lock up your doors because miss @valeriexlynn​ has proven once again that she gives no fuck about you or your mama. wanna know how we know? a trusting source sent us a police report which shows that val actually has an assault misdemeanor on her! no shock there since we can never place what this girl’s personality is. one minute, she’s tough and the next she’s offering to buy your coffee. sounds like someone’s still trying to “find herself”

STAY AWAY FROM THIS DOODGE OR ELSE YOU MIGHT CATCH SOMETHING! (pg 6)

we all know that @kadenabrams​ is one of lima’s most favorite himbos next to @tracehummelandersons & @graysonlopezpierce and they’ve so called been dubbed as “the three doodges” but it seems like this doodge got up to a little bit of too much fun. we’re all aware of his on again off again romance with model @alessiapuckerman but also his brief hookup with @ljhollidays and brief friends with benefits relationship with @winniclove and also his alleged hook up with @alexiscsmythe... basically, guy gets around and we’d waste a lot of time listing off every body under his belt but turns out kaden has a std and either one of these lovely ladies gave it to him or he’s spreading it around to them. our advice? quit sleeping with these dumb himbos! you’re only hurting yourself, girl!

WASH YOUR HANDS, BABY FEVER IS GOING AROUND (pg 8)

@patienceish and @mason-lynn already have one little ankle biter as all of western ohio must know by now, but sources say that mason's anti-condom tirade along with patience's reclusive behavior that they've been trying for baby number two if they're not already expecting again. best of luck to benny and his future irish twin. if matience needs a good financial advisor, they better haul ass outside of lima! i for one would not want to deal with the paper work of student loans, utility bills, and diaper receipts all with a little gremlin slobbering all over. yet here patience and mason are wanting another stink machine. they should be commended. . . for their unbelievable stupidity.

THE GAPPLE ( GAY APPLE ) DOESNT FALL FAR FROM THE TREE. (pg 10)

uh oh! more trouble in paradise! i love when couples crumble. while @softlcvers and @kylerxlynn seem to be keeping to themselves as a new item. not that i care, the less vomit inducing romance i am subjeed to the better. regardless of my personal preference, it's my duty to report to the people. this retreat from lima's general public by the affectionately dubbed "sawler" may not be so innocent. i guess cheating runs in the family since a little birdie sent in that sawyer has been cheating on kyler for the duration of their entire relationship! a reader's cousin was too afraid to disclose their name, but judging by the bravery it took to send in such a bold tip, i wish the reader's cousin the best of luck and hope to see sawler's relationship burn to the ground.

MY MY JUST HOW MUCH LEO MISSED SEX! (pg 12)