#len rants

It’s funny though, I’m sad to not be there but also glad? I’ve been for the last two years, once by myself and once with my sib. And last year, when I went, I had so much fun and after RTX was over, my sib and I spent a few days travelling around Austin, TX. But on the 12th, my grandmother died and it was also my birthday, so last RTX was sort of marred by an entirely uncontrollable thing. 

This trip is sort of like fixing my last trip’s experience? If that makes any sense. Like we’re going on this trip during RTX but I didn’t go to RTX so it’s different? 

Anyway, I would have loved to spend the weekend seeing the sights in Austin again, meeting the lovely people I adore so much again (maybe even seeing the crew from February’s Planet Comic Con again), enjoying the convention experience again. 

But this road trip has made me see new things, learn new things, and feel new things. It’s been a good, healthy experience separate from last year’s trip. And it’s not over yet, I still have a couple more days of driving/vacation before I’m home and back to work. 

I intend to make the most of it. And I hope that everyone who went to RTX this year had a safe, fun convention. I’m just venting. 

Anyways....

Keep moving forward, right?

Love, 

I've made a couple of "acquaintances" from classes this semester but they're a bunch of people who actually want to see the "Assassin's Creed" movie because they think it'll be better than the games. 

I met some cool people at a “Let’s Play Live” Fathom showing. I don’t even remember there names, and that I blame on memory loss caused by many a head injuries over the years. I’m really sorry because they were super nice and let me sit next to them so I wasn’t a “loser” sitting by myself.

I lost a really good friend for no fucking reason: just up'd and quit everything I was able to contact her on. I spent a month and a half in agony thinking it was my fault she wasn't talking to me anymore. It hurts, we were friends for three years and then nothing: hard stop. 

I’ve got a buddy from Twitch that I play games with every now and then, we watch each other’s streams when we can. We’re pretty chill. 

For the most part I haven't really lost any of friends, just feel lonely in the world right now I guess? It's that time of year and all.

I feel like I’d make more friends on here but I just...there’s some sort of nervousness putting yourself out there that I’m dealing with. Like I’ve tried exchanging asks/messages with people before. But they suddenly stop and after awhile, it’s awkward trying to continue conversation. Whether I unintentionally took to long to respond or they did. 

Maybe this is just me being a sad depressed fuck. Or maybe it’s something I should really be more worried about...that most of my friends are online doesn’t really bother me. 

Like my “good” high school friends don’t give a fuck about me anymore. Except to wish me happy birthday or something on facebook. When I try and organize stuff, they say they can’t go and end up going out anyway, without me. 

Maybe that’s just a sign that I’m not meant to have friends: that something about me, probably this part of me right now, turns people off and they would rather be without me. 

Like, I don’t even get asks anymore? Like, have I asked so many times for asks that people just fucking blocked me because they would really rather not deal with the person who constantly asks for asks...

I’m just a sad fucking loser. I get that. 

My mom ONCE AGAIN isn’t feeling well so she decided to stay home from work AGAIN. 

It’s still so fucking frustrating. My brother never has any conflicts with his streams but almost every time I go to do one of mine, something gets in the way. 

“Well, Len. Why not just stream anyway? Who cares about your mom being there?” 

While a valid question, it matters a lot if my mom is here. It means she’s going to make me do chores and stuff around the house. It means she’s going to suck internet because she has work to do from home. 

She thinks streaming is pointless and sees no future in it and doesn’t understand how people would like to watch someone play video games. She doesn’t understand anything about LPs or streams. 

She barely tolerates what I do on YouTube and the one time I told her about streaming and how I wanted to do it, she basically laughed in my face. 

So you can understand why I don’t want to stream when she’s here because all she’ll do is try to yell at me about doing some chore or another and/or just shake her head at me. 

For some reason, she lets me play video games with my friends if I tell her I’m going to. But she really doesn’t like it. She thinks it’s dumb that I have close friends that I can’t even do other things with. She told me the other day, “Well maybe you need to make new friends to do things with, besides video games.” And it’s like, okay good idea mom. But what about the friends I have that that’s all I can do with them? Just forget about them?

Whatever. Another long Len rant. Done.