#lemar

Content Ahead: John Walker’s stream of negative self thoughts re: the Super Soldier Serum in third person perspective. Takes place after The Falcon and the Winter Soldier and before Thunderbolts* where John grapples with everything he’s lost.

It’s hard for John to not loathe himself.

He tried.

So hard.

That’s all he’s ever done-

try.

He tried to be the perfect soldier for what he thought was a perfect country.

He knows just how wrong he was. He fell for every piece of propaganda the military fed him, only for them to discharge him as if he was nothing, nobody.

He knew of Steve Rogers- everyone did, but he studied him. He didn’t just have posters of him in his room, he had obtained S.H.I.E.L.D. notes and testimonies about his character, about his pure goodness. Everyone knew he saved the planet by sacrificing himself to put the plane in the ocean, but John knew about his pure selflessness of jumping on top of a grenade before the serum when he probably weighed 100 grenades.

John knew that the super soldier serum only enhanced what was already there.

Which is why it made Red Skull the… being that he is. A… man who’s ambition outgrew that of Hitler, exceeding levels of evil previously thought possible.

It’s why Karli Morgenthau only became more committed to her cause, even if it crossed ethical lines.

And it is why Steve Rogers is the man he is.

But why did it make John Walker the man he never thought he’d become? The man he feared he’d become- the exact opposite of what he ever tried to be.

He was supposed to be a good man, it’s all he’s ever tried to do. He wanted to be a good soldier, a good husband, a good father, everything that his father was and wasn’t. He was supposed to be better, that was the only expectation he had to live up to.

So why has things only gotten worse since he’s taken the serum. Why has he only made things worse since he’s taken it.

I mean deep down he probably knew he would never be like Steve Rogers,

but, my god, he didn’t think he would be closer to Red Skull.

Why has his life spiraled since taken the serum.

Is this what Steve felt? What would he think if he saw John?

How could he have pushed Olivia away? She was with him through everything, but not this.

How could he lose his own son?

A life he helped create with his own DNA.

Why did he have to be cursed to be his son. Why did he have to be his dad, he’s not Captain America.

He’s not

Captain America.

He’s not a soldier,

or a veteran.

He’s not a husband.

He’s not what a father should be for his son.

He lost everything. Everything he worked for is gone. And everything he believed in is wrong. He doesn’t know who he is without everything.

Who is he without his rank? Without the military? Without the missions? Without the patriotic morals that’s been inscribed into him since childhood?

Why did he take that serum.

Why did he let them kill Lemar.

Would he still be here if he didn’t take it?

God, he was supposed to be better, how could he do this to himself? To Olivia? To his son? To Lemar?

John fucking Walker, the man who had everything and burnt it to ash.

And the ash will eventually turn into dust,

and the wind will eventually blow away the dust

until there’s nothing left

other than regret

and memory.

Painful, painful memory.

Bucky: He’s my waifu

John: :O

Lemar: -_-

Zemo: why?

Sam: Bucky is what?

Chapter 1 >>

"Karli Morgenthau is to dangerous for you guys to be pulling this shit!" Walker put heavy stress on the last word.

"Ah! How'd you find us now?" Bucky teased, as they walked towards them.

"Come on. You think three Avengers can walk around Latvia without drawing attention?" Lemur stated, quickly walking down the steps.

"No more keeping us in the dark. You can start by telling us why you broke him out of prison."

"He did that himself, technically."

"This better be an unbelievable explanation." He threw his hands up in the air.

"Hey, take it easy before it gets weird." Sam stopped Walker.

"I know where Karli is." Zemo stated before walking around him.

He put a hand out to stop the baron, "well where?"

Marshall looked at Sam, making frantic hand gestures- signing- 'we can't tell him! He's a lunatic.' 

"All we know is it's a memorial."

'Are you fucking kidding me Sam.'

"So we're gonna intercept her there." Wilson added.

"That means civilians. High risk of causalities." Lemur pointed out as they started to follow Zemo.

"All right, good, we'll move in fast. Take her by surprise." Walker instructed, formulating a plan.

"No, I wanna talk to her alone."

"I'm not losing her again."

"Look, the person closest to her died, she's vulnerable. If there's any time to reason with her, it's now."

"What? No. Wait, no! No! Stop! Hold on. Stop, okay. I think we're way past reasoning with her,  unless you forgot the fact that she blew up a building with people still in it."

"Sam, you walk in there cold, she could kill you."

"And if I go in hot and the op goes wrong, more people will die."

"Are you gonna let your partner walk into a room with a super soldier alone?" Walker asked Bucky, completely ignoring Kit.

"He's dealt with worse. And he's not my partner." Bucky added the last bit almost as an afterthought, a reflex.

"I used to counsel soldiers dealing with trauma, okay? This is right in my wheelhouse."

"Yeah, I know. And I know those soldiers, which is why I know this is a bad idea."

"Wait John. If he can talk her down, it might be worth a try." Lemur told him.

He scoffed, but reluctantly agreed, "We'll deal with you later," he addressed Zemo.

"I'm sure it will all come to an agreeable conclusion. My associate is just up ahead." He walked over to her- others in tow.

"Hello my friend, this is for your family," he brandished some money out of his coat, giving it to her. "Can you show us the way?"

She gestured for them to follow her.

"What the hell?" Walker said to Lemur, following in the rear.

They entered what appeared to be a large boiler room, "Karli's in there," Zemo told them as the girl disappeared through the door.

"All right." Sam followed the path of the girl.

Roughly Walker handcuffed Zemo to one of the tanks, "Hey, you got ten minuets."

"Really?" Zemo complained.

"Then we're doing things my way."

"Aggressive." Zemo added. "But I get it."

Kit was sitting on the brick wall- the one Zemo was handcuffed to, Bucky was standing next to where she was, while Walker just stared at the shield. There was something seriously wrong inside that mans head. Kit regarded him, analysing the difference. John Walker is aggressive, Steve wasn't like that. Even in the midst of pure rage, he could never kill someone unnecessarily- good moral standards were at the core of every decision he made, regardless of his own emotional state.

John Walker is different. When he gets angry, morality is not his priority because ultimately he isn't a man of the people, he's a man who centres his own desires, no matter the cost. He doesn't stop to question himself because his ego won't let him.

Where Steve Rogers was measured, John Walker is impulsive. Where Steve Rogers looked out for everyone's best interests, John Walker looks out for his own.

Where Steve Rogers showed self-restraint, John Walker would definitely take the kill strike.

John Walker is not a good man- she concluded, satisfied at her thoughts she looked to Bucky, who was once again doing his thousand yard GI Joe stare.

Then suddenly Walker got up, pacing around the room, "Uh-uh. No, no, no. This is a bad idea."

"It hasn't been ten minuets, John. Just sit tight."

Marshall could tell, from Walkers body language, from his words, from his steps, that something was about to go down. Then she saw something click inside of him, he paced forward, "I'm going in." Kit jumped down, and Bucky stepped forward stopping Walker, "this is all really easy for you, isn't it? All that serum running through your veins. Barnes, your partner needs backup in there." Once again he disregarded Kit, something Steve had never done. "Do you really want his blood on your hands?"

Marshall was so sick of this guy, 'back off Walker.'

"What did she say?" Walker questioned Bucky.

"She told you to back off."

Walker stepped forward menacingly, "what?"

Kit was done with him.

Stepping even closer to her, stopping when his face was mere inchs away hers. "And who are you to tell me what to do? You can't even speak." She grabbed his arm twisting it back.

He curled his hand into a fist and aimed for the front of her face. His fist hit the corner of her mouth, splitting her lip, his second punch hit the bridge of her nose. Her blood splattered all over the ground of the boiler room.

Tasting blood, she did what appeared to be a silent growl as Walker stepped into a blazing roundhouse kick that rattled his skull. He started to fall until--

Marsh's other foot slammed into his rib cage, slamming him into the wall.

She pursued him and fired foot and fist into him repeatedly, like she was exercising on a heavy bag rather than hitting a person. Walker kneed her in the stomach, then they were on the ground wrestling. 

As much was clear, she wasn't Steve, but neither was he- at least she didn't go around parading as him.

Lemar stepped behind her, as she predicted he would and he tried to pull her away from his friend. Finally Bucky intervened, "hey," he whispered as he pulled her back, she tried to break free of his grip. When he felt she had herself under control, he released her. Kit stepped forward and spat at Walkers feet, a mixture of blood and saliva.

'disgrace.'