#leahs rambles

Me: ok

Me: *is a little nervous at first but eventually gets up the courage to ask for more masculine clothing*

Mom: *walks in my room 3 seconds after I send her the list* what’s up with all the men’s clothing?

Me: * immediately starts to panic* oh uhhh I just looked up like button up and stuff like that and uh I just don’t want form fitting stuff ummm *freaking out*

Mom: *gives me a look* yeah we’re not doing that *leaves*

My dog (Molly) likes digging holes (as a dog does) and today while I was looking in our shed for some flower pots I turned around to see her newest hole. There was no animal in sight but there was some dirt flying out of it so I walked closer thinking my cat had gone in there to explore but instead my Medium sized dog comes out. Not only that but she came out head first so that meant she had room to turn around in there! Naturally I was intrigued and I decided to climb into the hole myself:

You are loved, you are talented, you are beautiful, you are more than enough. If you’re stressed about something, just take a deep breath and tell repeat this to yourself. I believe in you, I’m proud of you, and even if it doesn’t feel like it I’m not the only one who thinks that.

So I was thinking about this this morning and came up with two metaphors that I think can help explain what I’ve been trying to say:

The feeling of realizing what my sexuality was was almost similar to studying for a test. the biggest test you’ve taken yet, you’ve studied all the material you could find, you asked questions, checked your sources, double checked your sources, talked to people about it,and then you take the test. You think you got the answers right but you keep going back and fourth-“ was it the right answer? Did I go to fast? It’s felt right but now I’m not sure? What will other people think if I fail? What if everyone passed and I’m the only one who failed?”

Then you get the test back, and you got a 100%. The relief is staggering, you feel elated! You did it. After all the research, the studying, the worrying, deep down you knew the answer was right but that feeling of relief is something you’ve been waiting for. You did it. Now you just have to tell the world that you passed a test that no one even wants to exist.

When a archaeologist finds one part of a skeleton thay are still closer to finding the rest of the skeleton than they where before, no matter how small that part is. If I where to stick to this metaphor then I would say I found pieces of the legs of a long lost creature, the legs are the foundation and so is my sexuality, but only part of it. I’ve started to understand my foundation and I have plenty more to find but that doesn’t cancel out what I’ve already have just because I found it first. My sexuality Is and will be a large part of my life in one way or another but without the media coverage of the LGBTQ+ community I would still be frantically digging in the dirt for something that I know is there but just out of reach.