#kyrii problems

it’s not fair that I’ve had to miss out on years of time with my dad. Sure, we’ve stayed in touch and seen each other every month or so, but from the time that I was 7, I’ve never lived with him full time. I haven’t had that full family experience. And it hurts. Because now that I’m growing up and moving on with my life, it’s hard to let go of what I never really had.

I know I’d feel the same way if I had lived with my dad full time and only got to see my mom every month or so. But that’s the point. A child shouldn’t have to live like that, torn between her parents.

Divorce fucking sucks. Maybe it’s selfish of me to say so, but I wish my parents had just sucked it up and stayed together. Bit the bullet and went to fucking counseling. Sure, they were both fucked up people, and they still are, but I have to wonder if it would be better if they were still together. Or, if they had never gotten together and I had never been born.

Please. Please don’t marry someone and VOW to stay with them until death do you part unless you really mean it. Please don’t have a kid if you’re just going to fuck them up and leave them playing mediator for the rest of their life.

I love my parents. I just wish that I could have them both at the same time. I’m tired of long-distance relationships with people who should have always been there.

Listen to "Kagerou Project" and read heart-wrenching brotherly love Supernatural fanfictions

I sit down and I start typing it out

My mouse hovers over the "Publish" button

Then I remember that there are others out there that have it much worse than me. There are people not even a mile away from that are hurting worse than me. Why should I complain? What gives me the right? I should just keep quiet as usual, right?

So I hit the "Close" button and turn back to my music.

I've noticed a lot lately that when asked "How are you?" or "Are you okay?" my tendency is to always say something like "Yes, I'm fine" or "Eh, I can't complain" or "Yea, I'm okay now" right away, even if the exact opposite is true.

It's kinda like a reflex. I say it before I can even think about it. I don't want to complain to people...but I should be able to vent or say I'm not okay every now and again, right?

And by the time I realize that I want to tell the person who asked "I'm sorry, I lied...I'm not okay right now," the moment has past and I missed my chance.

When did I reach the point where I started feeling a twinge of jealousy at the happiness and achievements of my friends and family, instead of feeling only pure joy for them? When did I get so lazy and scatter-brained, putting less than my best into everything? Or is this my best? Am I doing the best I can? Because if I am, my best efforts are pretty pathetic.

Have I always been such a background player, sitting on the sidelines and feeling trapped watching other people? Have I always been this depressing person? Even now, this is such a depressing post!!

Ugh....I apologize to anybody that's reading this.

I don't even know exactly why I'm posting this here. What's it going to change?