All of time and space, and you came here?

I want so much to be there for her. But I can't. She needs more than me. She doesn't want to play with me. Doesn't want to do things with me. I could give her everything I have, and it wouldn't be enough. She wants Preston and Taylor. Even though they don't treat her with the care she deserves. She wants to feel loved and together with Trevor, her husband. I can't help there. She wants at least one friend that's close by. I can't help there.

No matter what I do, I'm not enough.

I love her so much. So much that I wonder if it's unhealthy. I wonder if I'm obsessed. But I feel like I have nothing and nobody without her. Nobody else understands me and makes me feel the way she does.

But she can't say the same about me. Without me, she'd be fine. She'd have one less friend but..she'd still have Trevor. She'd still be chasing after Preston and Taylor. I can't do anything for her.

I wonder if I'm in love with her. I've never been in love before. Maybe that's what this is? Or maybe she's my platonic soulmate. Or maybe I'm just a creep, just obsessed. Maybe I have BPD and my mental illness makes me overly attached. Idk. I don't think I've ever felt like this before. It hurts.

I'm not enough. And I'm selfish. Selfish for wanting her to myself. Wishing I could be all that she needs. That's so fucking creepy. Something's wrong with me. Am I really this lonely that I'm so attached? Something's obviously wrong with me.

Songs: "Drift Away" from SU the Movie

I do my best to do the same for her. But it's not enough. And I feel like...it's a combination of 1: she doesn't trust me enough...maybe doesn't want to be a "burden", idk...and 2: I'm just not enough. I don't have the words, I can't pull her out of what she's feeling. I can't stop her from spiraling. I can't make her better.

So my two brothers live with my Mom in Texas, 1000 miles away from me.  That fact on its own isn't a big deal. People deal with long distance relationships all the time. But when you factor in the fact that they're both mentally delayed and terrible at communication. It's fucking terrible.

I haven't heard from my younger brother in weeks. My mom hasn't reached out for just as long. Neither of those surprise me. My mom has always been terrible at communication and is very self-centered and a professional victim. I understand we didn't leave our last communication on a good note. I am angry with her-- because she fucked up and, whether intentionally or not, hurt me. And she has not once properly acknowledged that nor even tried to make amends. I know if I call her out on it like "hey, just because I'm pissed at you and don't want to reach out to you doesn't mean you can't reach out to me and try to make things better"...I know if I say something like that, she'll twist it somehow like "I thought you wouldn't wanna talk to me because you're angry, so I was giving you your space"...self pity bullshit like that

And my younger brother has never been taught proper respect or consideration for others. He's very selfish. Probably doesn't even think to call me or talk to me. Or my dad for that matter, whom I live with. 

My older brother talks to me pretty often over text and Facebook messages, but it isn't enough. I can't get a good sense of how things are going on in their day-to-day life cause he just won't tell me anything substantial. Granted, he hardly ever does anything all day because my mom still hasn't gotten him a job despite saying she'd be able to get him one soon after he moved back on the 4th of July. 2 months later, and he's still bored out of his fucking mind at that house, just like he was here. Except when he was here, he had an actual chance at independence. But my mom doesn't know how to let go. She's not gonna do right by him in the end, I know it.

I tell him all the time that I'm only a phone call away. He never reaches out. Now, since he's been gone for 2 months, he's started saying "I miss you" more and more recently...and it kills me. I wanna express my frustration to him and tell him "bullshit, if you really missed me, you wouldn't have gone back with mom...you know she's terrible at planning. Who knows when I'll see you again"...but I can't tell him that. He has a child mentality. He'll just think I'm angry with him and I'll lose even more communication

Reminder to myself that the things people share on social media, especially the really great things, are just snippets of their lives. It’s easy for me to feel that spark of jealousy when I see all the great things my friends are doing, especially when I compare to how little I’m doing now. It’s easy to be jealous that everybody seems to be moving forward towards things they love, while I’m stuck on the sidelines.

This is just a reminder to myself that I need to give myself some slack. I’m making progress of my own, slow as it may seem. And it may seem even slower to myself because I live with myself ALL THE TIME.

In the past three weeks, I have lost 10 pounds. Walking at a pace of 3 mph on the treadmill doesn’t seem impossibly hard anymore. I’ve made two covers over the last few months and I LOVED it, even if they don’t get a lot of attention. I found a decent paying job that I don’t hate, and that money I earn is helping me to get out of this money pit. I’ve done the numbers, and if I continue at this rate, I should be debt free by April of next year!

I may not be where I want to be. Hell, I may not even KNOW where I want to be. But I have time. And I am not my friends. Our personalities are different. Our paths are different. We’re not the same, and that’s what makes us so good together!

The weirdest, and best, part of it was the fact that apparently Mark Fischbach aka Markiplier and I were really close friends! Like close enough for me to spend the night at his house, in a non-sexual way, just playing video games and chilling together. Well apparently I was over at his house one night, and we must have been drinking or something...cause he just confessed his love for me.

Now apparently, in this AU, he had already made his feelings for me clear at least once before. But, as to be expected of me, I was scared to admit that I recipricated those feelings, and so nothing progressed between us.

So, here he is: drunk and telling me how he loves me and wants to be with me. Then he starts getting frustrated, mostly because of the alcohol, saying how he knows that I feel the same for him and is upset that I can’t just admit it and let myself be happy.

The details of the dream get fuzzy after that, but I remember storming out of his house, too overcome with emotion to be with him right the and there. So I took a walk and during that time, I came to terms with the fact that I loved him too. He had been my best friend and I wanted him to be something more now. So I rushed back to his house, finding him still quite intoxicated and sobbing at that point.

And that’s the last solid thing I remember

I’d like to think the dream ended happily with the two of us getting together :)

So yea, I had a  dream that Mark was head over heels in love with me. Definitely made me wake up with a smile this morning hehe

Because this seems to a be a collective place where I can dump my negativity without seeming like I’m whining for attention.

I’ve found that it’s easier for me to type out my feelings. I can hand-write them, of course, but that takes more time and these days I’m lazy.

I don’t even remember where I was going with this.

I just feel so shitty these days. Nothing is certain except that the world is changing around me and I’m still standing here, too scared and weak to move. I have finally accepted that music is not going to be a way for me to financially support myself. I have decided to pursue being a Vet Tech. But I am terrified.

I am not a hard worker, not anymore. I can barely scrape by in a core class anymore. I just can’t put the work in. I don’t have the drive. I’m lazy, and I procrastinate, and then I get stressed out and depressed when my Jenga tower comes tumbling down.

I'm not sure if that's out of laziness or just because I don't feel I can express myself anymore. Could I ever?

I always suck at saying how I feel. I'm always the one at the back. The last to be noticed. The first to be forgotten. Ha..maybe this post is the reason why. Maybe I'm just not a noticeable kind of person. Maybe I just don't shine very bright.

I'm tired of feeling unappreciated. I've been there as much as I could for my friends and my family from day one; I've sacrificed for them, stood up for them, comforted them, and listened to them. I've been there for them to the point that I feel if I do anything for myself, it's selfish. But I don't feel like anybody sees that.

My friends and I are all going through big changes right now. "The group" is splitting up. Friendships are being remolded...some even broken. And I feel like, as usual, I'm being forgotten about. Nothing has changed with me. I will always be there for each and every one of them, regardless of who's talking to who.

But nobody sees that. And I'm sick of it. This feeling...it's not something that's happened recently. I've always felt this way. And I'm tired of it.

Today I came to the realization that I'd be going back to NC next week and might not see my dad for a while, and that fact really hurt, just like it does every time. It hurt even more when I thought about how at peace I feel when I'm here at my dad's house. I don't have to act any older than I am; I have no responsibilities to anyone but myself.

My dad and I were at my grandparents' house today, just hanging out. My grandparents asked if I wanted to stay for dinner, and, as stupid as it sounds, that's where this mood started. I just fell into this sudden depression and I started thinking about all the negative and uncertain things in my life. That's the shittest thing about depression; for me at least, it can hit at any time and any place, regardless of how happy or content I may have been feeling earlier.

I suddenly didn't want to stay anymore; I just wanted to go home with my dad and spend the evening eating my feelings. But I didn't want to hurt my grandparents' feelings, and I certainly didn't want to explain any of my inner thoughts to anybody. They're too long, too complicated, and too depressing.

So, my dad and I were sitting on the couch watching a John Wayne movie with my grandparents, and he said he was getting ready to leave soon. I leaned my head on his shoulder because I just really needed that physical contact. And that's all it took. He understands me that well. He asked what was wrong, and I told him I didn't feel good (which wasn't entirely a lie). He took over from there and told my grandparents, on my behalf, that I had a headache and had been fighting it all day. That was when I realized that he knew what was really wrong, or at least had a good idea. I never said anything about a headache. He just knew, and he knew the best thing to say to get out of this situation the easiest. He even knew that I really did want to spend time with my grandparents, but tonight just wasn't the night, so he suggested that we come back for another visit tomorrow. As silly as it sounds, that unspoken connection in those few, simple words means the world to me.

So, we left my grandparents' house and started on the 15 minute drive home. He gently asked me what was wrong, again. Because he knew it wasn't just a headache. I replied, saying that I did have a headache (because at that point, I did have one) and I just didn't feel good. Somehow, he understood that too. Maybe he doesn't know the exact things plaguing me...he'd have to psychic to know that. But he understands me well enough to know that something was wrong on an emotional level. So he comforted me on the way home, simple things like rubbing my head and patting my knee and giving me a hug. It sounds silly, I know. But I am a creature that desires physical affection; I desire it, I crave it, and it's one of the best ways for you to show me that you care about me.

We kept driving, and a song by Trace Adkins came on called "You're Gonna Miss This." It hit me really hard, and despite all my efforts not to, I started crying. Mind you, I've gotten rather good at crying silently, hiding my tears. So I sat there, doing all I could to not betray evidence that I was crying my eyes out. I was doing a pretty good job too. Dad didn't say anything. But something tells me he knew. Because, somehow, he always knows.

We didn't talk anymore about what was bothering me; there was no need because of our mutual understanding. He was just there with me. And that means the world. And it's acts like this when I'm with my dad that makes it so much harder to leave him every time.

I love my mom. Though she may not understand me in the exact same way my dad does, she is such a hard-worker and a kind soul. She tries so hard and has worked her ass off emotionally, physically, and mentally everyday since she was forced to raise us alone. I love my mom, and I pray that she never doubts that I do. But I also love my dad. Both of my parents are wonderful people in their own unique ways, and I love being around them both. And that's what makes this situation so shitty. I can't be with the both of them at the same time. I haven't had that luxury since I was 7, and that hurts. It's heart-wrenchingly difficult for me to have to leave one parent to be with another, especially when I love them both so much. These days, it seems harder to leave my dad, because I spend a lot of time with my mom, but have spent much less time with my dad. And I feel like I can't share how I feel, especially with my mom, because I don't want to make anybody feel bad. I feel like if I show exactly how upset I am when I leave my dad's house, my mom will feel like I don't love her. And that's the farthest thing from the truth! But that's just how she thinks, and I can't change that.

I just want both of my parents. But that is an impossible wish, and one that I just need to forget about, as I've been told many times. I'm turning 18 in a few months. It's time to "grow up." What the hell is growing up, anyways?! Why do I have to just forget about my desire to be with family because I'm becoming an adult? Why should I sacrifice more than I already have? Am I just being selfish here? Am I wrong?