Ren stared at the dark ceiling of his quarters, listening to the far away chatter of some negligent stormtroopers on night-shift while Hux drooled on his naked chest. At night, the blackness of his room seemed to swallow the walls until he wondered if they weren’t all fated to aimlessly drift away into the nothingness of space. He often felt like that, dreading approaching sleep an animal that would tear chunks out of his chest, watchful of him ever since he had been a small child. At first, he had thought his parents never took him seriously when he staggered into their room at night, feet bare and cheeks wet, crying about an absence of light he was too young to understand. Ironically, it turned out he shouldn’t have feared the possibility of them downplaying his night terrors, he should have been terrified about what would happen if they didn’t.
Hux twitched in his sleep, almost awake for a second, before he pressed his cheeks more firmly into Ren’s collarbone. Ren turned his head to bury his nose into Hux’s hair. It never smelled of anything in particular, to be honest. Just clean in a way that shouldn’t have been so absurdly comforting since he was sure, Hux only ever used the First Order’s standard soap –unscented of course.
Ren was not sure how he found himself in such a compromising position, only ever able to fall asleep after he had put his dick into his General, but here he was. When it started, they had been needlessly violent, enjoying how much sicker they could get from drinking each other’s pain. It had never been their plan to cling and share a bed like some bizarre parody of a couple in love.
It was then, that Ren could feel Hux’s pale eyelashes flutter open, tickling against the sensitive skin on Ren’s chest like the most ridiculously fragile thing. Of course, Hux would wake up when he indulged in stupid thoughts. Sometimes Ren wondered if he secretly wasn’t the only one able to sense a shift in the force, Hux’s horrible timing impossible to explain otherwise.
“Ren…” Even though barely awake, his voice was already edging its way towards harsh again. “Why aren’t you asleep, yet?”
Ren did not answer immediately. He took pleasure in letting Hux simmer for a while, just to remind him that the supreme leader could do whatever he wanted. Also, the question was rich coming from a person who usually needed to stim himself into a half-coma to find some semblance of sleep –at least if Ren’s dick was not available.
Hux was predictably unamused. Ren did not even need to consult the force to feel Hux’s irritation nip at him like an angry loth-cat. “May I remind you of the fact that we have an important meeting tomorrow? You need an appropriate amount of sleep to fully function. The Theselans do not appreciate inattention.”
His own annoyance took Ren off guard. “Well, what a shame. Maybe I will have the meeting cancelled all together.”
“What?” Hux began to untangle his limbs from Ren’s immediately, shoving his arm away before he sat up to rub at his temples. “The Theselans control a substantial part of Agor-5’s mines. We are in dire need of resources after our failure on Crait—”
“No.” Ren’s voice slices into Hux’s word like a blade. He can feel Hux’s body go tense, feels his own jaw setting. Ever since the incident, they have avoided talking about it. The thought of his mother, standing back while his uncle mocked him by dying, leaving Ren alone on a mountain of mistakes that he helped to commit, high and mighty even as he faded. And Rey. Rey looking down on him as she locked him out of his own sanity. “I forbid you from saying it.”
Hux’s eyebrows shot up, scoffing humourlessly: “You’re being carried away by your imagination. I am just stating facts, supreme leader.” Hux was apparently back to using his title like an insult, every syllable spoken with needless care.
Ren stayed quiet, his teeth pressed together until he felt his skull ringing. That’s right. He had allowed all of this to happen by indulging his own childish needs for comfort, preferring a warm embrace to a much-needed victory. Somewhere along the way, he had started to believe Hux gasped his name against his lips because he needed him, not because he was close to coming. And now he had to endure the man stabbing at his wounds like a cruel child dissecting an insect to find out how it worked. Ren knew that this was what Hux had intended to do all along: Open him up nicely and ask for control. He should have torn apart Hux’s mind himself, but his heart always fluttered in sobbing denial when he tried.
“I see.” Hux swung his legs over the edge of the bed and began to reach for his pants “You’re in a mood again. I will come back when you’re ready to see reason.”
“No.” Ren sounded flat, even to himself. Something had awoken in his chest and it had Rey’s eyes and Han’s hands and it felt like the remnants of his mother’s good night’s kiss. Why did everyone try to kill him in his sleep?
“Pardon?” Hux tried to put on a façade as he pulled a black undershirt over his scrawny chest. Despite his demeanor, Ren could feel the worry radiating off of him, like a distressing holonet broadcast.
“What is wrong with you? You are behaving strangely. Even more so than usual.”
“Why are you doing this, Hux?”
“What? Leave?” There was a confused hint of amusement in Hux’s words, but it was unconvincing. Ren knew he was close to finding out the truth.
“I should be the one asking what has gotten—” His voice cut off abruptly when Ren ripped the uniform-jacket out of his hands with the force.
“You know exactly what I mean. This.” Ren gestured dramatically around the room. Normally it would have pulled a sarcastic remark out of Hux, but not this time. He was watching Ren, growing pale, eyes wide with something akin of fear. “Why aren’t you leaving after I fucked you, huh? Is it because the general likes to be held after sucking cock? Yes? You know I could crack your mind open like an egg and just see all the bullshit, Hux!”
Hux was just standing there, arms hanging limply at his sides. Even though he was obscured by darkness, Ren could practically see the red splotches appearing on his white face.
“You impertinent child…” Hux’s voice was quivering, but he kept himself composed. “I am leaving.”
“I thought I could trust you. You never loved me, you loved what I could give you. Power, mainly. Because this is all you care about, isn’t it?”
Hux’s exhaled shakily in the silence of the room, hand outstretched to open the door, yet inexplicably hesitating to leave.
Ren stared at his narrow frame, suddenly missing how Hux’s fringe would tickle his face. After he had first remarked about it, Hux had made sure to always comb out the gel when he climbed into his bed after a shift. Ren felt as if someone has kicked him in the sternum.
Neither of them talked for a while.
“That’s not it…” Ren muttered, slowly treading at the edge of Hux’s mind. Although always putting an affront of sturdiness, it feels frayed and paper-thin, like the set of a stage-play. An ever-present feeling of loneliness, almost mellow, a shrill of anxiety that sounded like his father’s bellowing voice and beneath that, deeper, something else. Warm. A delicate little emotion that didn’t want to be touched. Ren gasped, brows knitted together too tightly. “You love me.”
Hux moans and jolts to leave, but turns around instead. He has a look of disgust on his face, desperately clutching at his snarl, even when his eyes gloss over. “Are you having fun? Is this what you’re doing now? How about you choke me some more, while you’re at it, Ren? Maybe you’d want to grab me by the hair and drag me to the bridge, so my officers can see me smashed against the walls some more?”
Ren shook his head standing. He was slow, approaching Hux like a frightened animal. “You told yourself it was more practical to combine our evenings with discussions about matters of the order. You looked for excuses. You have always—”
“Stop!” Silenced by the genuine pain in Hux’s voice, Ren just stood there, waiting. “Don’t do this. Get out of my head! Stop it with this nonsense…Stop playing with me—”
When Hux’s mind screams to be touched, Ren lunges forward and grabs him in his arms, trapping him against the cold durasteel wall and the head of his body. Hux protested weakly, a wet sound dying at the back of his throat, before his head falls forward.
“I am sorry.” Ren muttered, lips moving against Hux’s damp forehead. “I am sorry…”
“No…” Was all Hux whispered, yet he did not push Ren away and even complied when he was holstered into Ren’s arms to be carried back into bed.
Ren didn’t know how long they laid there, silently floating away into space through the non-existent ceiling, hands tangled in each other’s hair, mouths moving around meaningless words.
But it was not frightening anymore.
