#kvaeposts

M is not like us at all. We come from two different backgrounds, two different worlds. His parents were affluent and caring. They planned to have him and they loved every minute of raising him. They would do anything for him, they dote on him a lot and he doesn’t see it. It’s beautiful. They care so much. And they are kind people. They don’t judge me. They don’t shun me. They haven’t been super in our business or pressuring him about our relationship. We’ve been poly for two years, the entire time we’ve been together and they are fine with it despite their own lawyer-rivals-turned-lovers storybook romance monogamy. I like it. Sometimes I worry they don’t approve of me but he says they just are unsure about me, they don’t understand him and I think they think he’s gay. He’s very metro so I could see that. He’s definitely not, and there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with it if he was or turns out to be. He’s my best friend and just being in his life is enough for me.

He’s had a hard time understanding us but so have we so that’s not unusual. We finally came down to telling him that we are plural and I think things are finally making sense to him. We spent a long time explaining how our symptoms manifest in conflict today, and from the looks of it, he seemed to be realizing that we weren’t consciously don’t things like; storming out, screaming incoherently, sobbing uncontrollably or hiding from him because of things that he did. He’s told me it’s finally making sense to him how I could have these reactions to his behavior despite the fact that he’s never hurt me and he never will. Sometimes he gets loud when we argue; so does Shayne, men do that when they’re frustrated. He doesn’t do it to drown us out like our step dad did, he doesn’t do it to make us submit like our father did, he’s scared and confused. So are we. He’s afraid of loosing me and when he sees me lash out in the fits I have when everyone is bursting out, it can be frightening. I know because of the adrenaline I feel. I fear a lot of the time about letting him anywhere near my friends. Sometimes it’s not safe for a cishet dominate male to be in lgbt spaces and all of my friends are that. Many of my friends have just dropped me because of his “energy”. I love it about him. When he does get loud it’s always to communicate fear- fear of hurting me emotionally, fear that I will hurt myself. I hate that he’s afraid of what I might do sometimes to myself. But he’s soft, so soft once the fear subsides. I’m afraid everyone will look at him and take his behavior to the extreme assumptions that it’s all “red flags”. They don’t know he’s been assaulted and he cries at night because his defenses are always up and when I’m lashing out he’s having flashbacks too. They treat him like he’s one dimensional. Like he’s a beast. He’s a human being, like me. He’s not a pansy, he’s not a meek. He’s successful, he’s strong, he’s kind to animals, he’s gentle with me. When we’re intimate, he’s so vulnerable in a way they would never understand. They don’t see him like I do.

When I opened up today, I spoke as Shayne. He knew it and he could told me he could tell. He knows when Shayne is out. It’s strange for him to be in love with all parts of me but know it makes him question his own preferences and identity. I try to explain to him he doesn’t have to be intimate with me. Consent is the most important thing. So today when I opened up, he listened to me like we were friends, the friends we are, and gave me the respect and dignity of another male, without his gentlemanly nicities that he believes are polite with women. We spoke plainly and he saw me clearly. And he had respect for all parts of me.

I am Kvaethi. I have been in the body for 6 years. I am somewhere between 19 and 25 years old. I am a woman and I have blonde hair, blue eyes and freckles. I am a middle child.

I am Rowan. I have been in the body for 10 years. I am 18ish. I like to keep my hair dyed white or pastel, I have green eyes and I am pale. I identify as androgynous. I am the second oldest.

I am Shayne. I have been in the body for 17 years. I am 27, male, brown hair, blue eyes, I tan easily. I am the oldest.

I am Kallie. I have been in the body for a few years. My age changes a lot but I am probably 14. I am a girl. I have curly red hair, green eyes, freckles and I am tall for my age. I am the youngest.

I am Maebh. I have been in the body for a year. I am 42, female. I have auburn hair, I wear glasses, I have hazel eyes. I don’t mind if I tan a bit. I am the “mother”.

The first About post I want to make is about the body. We call it “Nemo.”

These are real photographs of us. The body is 23 years old. We split for the first time when the body was only 6 years old. We didn’t really know it then, but the “imaginary friend” we had would some day have a face, a voice and a life of its own.

The body was born Amanda. The Original had this name, but we don’t connect with it very much anymore. Kvaethi is the only one who can really talk about what happened to the Original, because she was not there. The rest of us have a really hard time thinking about it. The Original does not live in the body anymore and some day we might make a post about it specifically.

We live in the USA. Currently, we’re living in an apartment owned by our partner. He’s a singlet cismale who we’ve recently come out to about being a system. He’s very accepting. We’re polyamorus and he is our “primary” partner. Only partner of ours, currently. He’s very important to us, but we argue over him a lot. He’s supposed to be Kvaethi’s partner, but inter system jealousy is a problem we have. He mitigates it well.

Shayne was the first alter in our system and he primarily “fronts”. His role is persecutor transferring into protector. He tries his best. We consider him the “big brother” in the system, and he fronted alone for ages 11-14. He can be possessive of the body. He’s learning how to let go and let others take control.

Rowan is what the body currently refers to themself as. They do most of the working although we don’t have a job right now. They’re an author and love writing. They want to go into tech, computer programming, coding or IT. They love paleontology and science. We consider them the “learner”.

Kallie is our “middle”. She slides between ages 11 and 17. She likes crafts such as crochet and beading. She’s fun and bubbly but she can be moody. We’re trying to take care of her.

I’m Kvaethi. I’m the system motivator. I want to keep everyone happy and content. I like to solve problems, read books and learn about social issues. I want us to open up the most, and be connected with the world around us. I love nature. I believe we can be happier if we know more about ourselves. I believe in a bright future for our family. I want to have kids and I’m kind of an idealist.

Maebh is the caretaker of our system. She likes to clean and tea. She likes handsome men and gossip. She likes to share advice and wisdoms, gardening, helping children grow. She likes to take care of the sick and the weak. She took care of our grandmother when she was sick last year and that’s how she grew the most. We have a hard time with her and mother figures. We want to let her take care of us but it is hard.