You know what bothers me, about 3 months before I discovered my kidneys were fighting for their life.... my mom and I had a conversation that went like this. We were in the car looking for a motel for the evening(thatās another long story) and my eye sees this place called kidney center I think some like that. So I ask my mom whatās that? She goes āI had a patient I used to take care of (she was a CNA) and they had to go get their body cleaned out (she wasnāt sure of the time what exactly went on but had an idea), so she goes on saying,
āwhen I tell you they looked like they were on the brink of death so pale and weak all the time it scared me I wouldnāt wish that on my enemy.ā
Fast forward and here I am in the same predicament, for a while it scared both of us remembering that conversation. Do I believe in supernatural? Yes I do
There was another time back in high school. I used to be in and out of the hospitals a lot, for UTIāS and it embarrassed me so I would make up a story and say,āoh I have kidney problemsā. I know I know what an asshole thing to say. I didnāt even know what that really was, the weird thing was it flew out my mouth before I even thought wait a min. So explain to me how the hell would that come out my mouth when I knew nothing about kidney disease??? I had no idea that was a health problem I was that naive I know.
So sometimes I wonder if I brought this down on myself. I was in the hospital for about 3 months having every single test done on me, figuring out what happened.
How could high blood pressure do that kind of damage to my kidneys when Iāve been to the every doctor appointment before, always had my check ups. NEVER being informed I had high blood pressure... itās always been normal. I even used to check it at home for fun because my grandma had a blood pressure machine. But the doctors say that itās a high probability that was the cause... how? And nothing else was found. So I ask the doc, āhow long would that take to affect my kidneys?ā He says years....how? Why didnāt anyone notice it was UTIās but protein leaking in my urine? Yeah I did a lot of personal research. I know some may say doesnāt matter your on dialysis now. But it bothers me sometimes, was there something I couldāve done to prevent this? Maybe if I had went to another doctor or a specialist...something anything. I feel like Iāve failed because my body was trying to tell me.
A couple week before I came down with another UTI went to the hospital, gave me antibiotics sent me home right. Okay now having all the symptoms of kidney problems which I didnāt know at the time and finally decided maybe I need to go back to the hospital but I went to a different one. My body beat me to the punch though ended up passing out so, anyway new hospital tells me who told you It was an UTI, you have 5% function left both kidneys combined....shit I remember hearing that I giggled. I thought oh okay so I take some pills and go home right? Silly bunni.
Anyway I was diagnosed with acute renal failure and then ultimately chronic kidney failure. I thank my doctors for trying everything they could to reverse the damage but it was too late. And thatās okay. All I can do now is hope and get my ass on more transplant lists .
Something Iām terrified of, but weāll see.
And yes Iām aware it couldāve been all those UTIās that fuvked me up but switching to 3 different nephrologists they all said no itās the blood pressure sooooo.
