#kellem

"So, you seduced Chrom with pies?" Robin asked.

"He said they were tasty…" Sumia muttered.

"..." Robin glared at the woman in front of him. "I'm afraid we're gonna have to let you go."

"What-What do you mean?!" Sumia stuttered.

"You're fired. From the Shepherds." He replied. "Although, now that I think about it, you are married to the king, so I'm surprised that you don't already know that."

"Why am I fired?" Sumia asked.

"Personal reasons aside, you are absolutely useless in combat." Robin said. "You're always the first person to fall in combat, no matter what we're fighting! I could stand it if it you slowly got better with experience, but it seems like you always need somebody by your side to help you! The only thing I think you contributed to our combat experience is the addition of Cynthia! Even she's annoying! And what's with all the tripping?! Is it supposed to make you charming or something?! Naga, I didn't realized I would be ranting this much about you, but here we are!" Robin exclaimed.

"...What did you mean, personal reasons?" Sumia asked.

"Well, I'm the kind of guy who really values friendship-"

"Which is why you're firing all of your friends." Sumia commented.

"...Two things. One: I want to be friends with people after this, but for some reason, all of them are kinda bitter." Robin said. "And two: it's too late to try to win me over by being snarky. You made this bed, so sleep in it."

"Why do you think I don't value friendship?" Sumia asked, any sadness or rage in her face being replaced with confusion.

"Well, you would you say you're best friend is?" Robin asked.

Sumia's face lit up. "Oh! Easy! Cordelia-" Her face fell. "Oh."

"Oh indeed." Robin said. "Your friend has been madly in love with a guy for years, which is something I'm pretty sure you already knew about. Then you come in with your pies and tripping and face-punching, and you hook up with the love of your best friend's life! Are you guys the kind of best friends that secretly hate each other? Best frenemies?"

"I'm not going to apologize for falling in love." Sumia said, glaring at Robin.

"I'm not saying that. What I am saying is that it may have been a tad...distasteful to make her your maid of honor…"

"...You might be right about that." Sumia admitted. "But she got over it." She blushed a bit.

"...Standing three-way offer?"

"She suggested it the moment me and Chrom got engaged." Sumia admitted.

Robin sighed. "I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. Now get out of here before I magic you. Your Highness." He shooed off Sumia.

She turned over to Robin at the door.

"Are you guys still coming over for dinner next Monday?" She asked.

"Of course, There's a reason Chrom fell in love with you over pies." Robin smiled at the queen. She smiled back and left his office. "That was pleasant. No death threats or swearing. Well, not on her part, anyway..." Robin made a face. "Then again, even without being in the Shepherds, she's still the fucking QUEEN. Not a lot to lose…"

"She could want to stay in combat." A voice said.

"NAGEN CROOL!" Robin shouted, falling back in his chair. "Who's there?!"

"Uh." Kellam stood in front of Robin. "Just me…You use the N-word and the C-word. I'm surprised."

"How long have you been here, Kellam?!" Robin asked.

"You called me up the other day. I've been here for a while, eating your candies." Kellam said.

"So that's where those have gone…" Robin muttered. "I was gonna blame Gaius, to be honest. Why didn't you tell me you were here?"

"Well," Kellam said. "You do some pretty fascinating stuff when you're alone. No really fascinating. More like...an accident that you just can't get your eyes off."

"...You didn't see the…" Robin said, glancing down at a draw in his desk. "What am I saying? You probably did…"

"I promise not to tell." Kellam said. "Although I assume you called me down to fire me…"

"What?" Robin said. "No way! In fact, I was going to ask you to reclass as a thief!"

"...Why would I do that?" Kellam asked.

"Because you're so sneaky!" Robin exclaimed. "I could use you for a ton of different spec-op missions! It would be awesome!"

"Actually," Kellam said, "I was wounding if I could take a leave of absence."

"What?" Robin said. "Why?"

"Because I realized that, I could live a much more interesting life given that people only noticed me when I attempt to draw attention to myself." Kellam replied.

"So, wait, let me get this straight." Robin said. "Are you telling me that, the only reason you are leaving the Shepherds is that you want to go out into the world and generally fuck with people?"

"More or less." Kellam replied.

Robin glared at him. "Kellam, you know I can't allow you to do that. As Shepherds, it is our utmost duty to stand guard over the people of our nation. If we were to ah AH HA HA HA!" Robin sunk down into his chair, laughing. He wiped away a tear. "I almost got through the whole thing. Sorry about that." He grinned at Kellam. "You completely have my blessing! So long as you promise to return with tales of your adventures!"

"Very well." Kellam said. "I'm surprised how open you are to letting me go."

"Well, I was probably going to have to let you go anyway." Robin admitted. "You aren't as good in combat as you used to be. Also, people have said that the women's bath house is haunted. You should probably get out of here before people connect the dots."

"Right." Kellam smiled, leaving the office. "Thanks for the warning."

"No problem, Kell." Robin said. "What a stand up guy! I mean, he is a pervert, a prankster, and he could become a serial killer. But still, he has a good sense of humor."

Robin sat there in silence for a few seconds.