#decruited

"So, you can only turn into a bunny?" Robin asked Panne.

"...You've seen my transformation, right?" Panne asked. "The way you're wording that makes it sound like I only turn into a small hare."

"But it's a bunny." Robin said. "A giant, demon bunny."

"Yes." Panne said. "What's your point?"

"You're fired is my point." Robin replied.

"Why?" Panne asked, twitching one of her ears.

"You're keeping pretty calm." Robin commented. "This is gonna be like the Miriel meeting, isn't it?"

"I don't understand why you would want to fire me." Panne said. "Yes, I am a bunny, but I'm the size of a lion."

"I know that, but what I find disturbing is how you take the form of an attractive woman when you aren't in bunny mode." Robin commented. "I mean, I know you married Gregor, but I can't help but wonder if there is any difference between him...mating with you in this form and in bunny form."

Panne remained silent.

"...What the actual fuck?" Robin said. "Seriously? Really?"

"He said he was curious." Panne replied.

"...I'll address that with him later." Robin said. "Look, since you are this big bunny, hypothetically speaking, you could, maybe, let people ride you? It could be...you know…" Robin trailed off.

"...You want to ride me?" Panne said. "I thought you said the bunny thing wasn't intimidating."

"Well, you just sold me on it." Robin replied.

"...Regardless, I don't think it would do to have two tacticians ridings taguels." Panne said. "I saw Yarne and Morgan practicing mounted combat. They seemed to be practicing for a while, as they were quite exhausted…"

Robin looked at the taguel with a deadpan expression. He reached into his desk and pulled out a flask.

"...I'm beginning to suspect that they weren't practicing mounted combat." Panne commented. "But why would Morgan be on top?"

Robin took a swig of the flask. "I really don't want to continue this conversation." He gestured to Panne with the flask. "Want some?"

"...No." She said.

"What if I put a carrot in it?" Robin asked.

"...OK." She said.

"Well, you're still fired." Robin said, as he pulled out a cup and a bag of baby carrots.

"I accept that. I suspect you have your reasons." Panne said.

"Alright. Still want that drink?" Robin asked.

"I walked in on my child mating." She said. "I would."

"Hello, Gaius." Robin said to the ginger thief sitting across from him. "Do you have any idea why I called you here?"

Gaius shrugged. "I dunno. Has to do with something sweet?" He reached into his pocket. HIs eyes suddenly widened in horror. "Oh crap."

Robin raised an eyebrow. "'Oh crap,' what?"

Robin looked at the boy sitting across from him. More specifically, he was looking at his forehead.

"Ricken," Robin said. "I'll give you a phone book if you ask politely."

"I'm OK!" Ricken exclaimed, although it was somewhat muffled by the table between him and the tactician.

"..."

Robin sat across from a formal, well-dressed young woman, grinning like a madman.

"Is there any particular reason you summoned me down here, or did you just want to 'catch up,' as you would call it?" Maribelle asked.

Robin's grin broke with a fit of laughter, which confused the girl even more.

"Am I missing something here?" She asked, annoyed.

Robin managed to compose himself.

"Sorry about that." He said. "You are so fired."

"...WHAT?!" Maribelle exclaimed. "Explain yourself at once!"

"Alright." Robin said. "Let's start with the things I do like about you. Or, to be more realistic, the thing. I appreciate the fact that you ride a horse. I think it's smart, since you can easily travel around the battlefield, healing people and stuff. So, you know, I dig it."

"...What does this have to do with ditches?" She asked.

"Anyway, first question here: What in Naga's name is a Trobadour?"

"I-I don't have to answer that!" Maribelle exclaimed.

"I see." Robin said. "I expected that, but not with the hostility. I took the liberty of looking up what it means." Robin pulled out a scroll. "Apparently, it is a ' composer and performer of Old Occitan lyric poetry during the High Middle Ages."

"What in the world is an Old Occitan?" She asked.

"I figured you would know, since you named yourself that. I just copied this off of an encyclopedia." Robin admitted. "Going by that definition, you are in no means a Trobadour. For one thing, that's the masculine definition, so you would actually be referred to as…" Robin looked at the sheet again. "...a 'trobairitz. Shit, that's even harder to pronounce."

"I highly doubt that my title is a plausible reason for letting me go." Maribelle commented.

"Well, there's also the fact that you are useless in battle." Robin commented. "We already had Lissa, so why would be need you? I mean, aside from your horse. Like I told the good princess, we have plenty of healers on the team that can also kick a good amount of ass. Anna, Rickon, stupid, sexy Libra…" Robin muttered before zoning off. "...Where was I?"

"You were telling me off for being unable to participate in combat." Maribelle replied.

"Oh, right. Want to know a fun fact? When we saved you from Gangrel-"

"Why is that deplorable man even in our army?" Maribelle interrupted.

"You know, I've been asking Chrom the same question ever since we recruited him." Robin commented. "He kept saying stuff about 'giving him a second chance' and 'him wanting to help us.' I swear to Naga, somebody could get membership to the Shepherds for helping an old lady cross the street."

"So what are you saying about my imprisonment at the Mad King's hands?" Maribelle asked.

"Well, as I was saying, when we rescued you, I kinda assumed you were just some civilian we had to save. I didn't realize that you were actually going to join us. I honestly thought you were a groupie for the first few weeks you were with us."

Maribelle huffed. "I understand when I'm not wanted somewhere. I'll just go back to my noble lifestyle, without any worries in the world."

"I can respect that." Robin said.

"You shall not be invited to any gatherings I hold. If you are, I implore you to keep in mind that it is a formal invitation, and not anything out of friendship."

"..."

Robin looked at the silent swordsman. "Lonny, do you know why I called you here?" he asked.

"...Do not call me that." Lon'qu said.

Robin studied the shirtless man sitting across from him.

"...How small is your dick, anyway?" He asked.

"What!?" Vaike exclaimed. "What kind of question is that?!"

"Well, you are clearly overcompensating for something." Robin said. "You carry a huge axe and are obsessed with your physical health. Like I said, clearly you have a small dick."

"I'll have you know that, according to the ladies, ol' Teach's little soldier is enormous!" Vaike exclaimed.

"Ok, first off, what ladies?" Robin asked. "Secondly, who are you even teaching? Chrom? The other Shepherds? I have never seen you give anybody a lesson in anything!"

"Why are you questioning the ways of the Vaike?" Vaike asked, striking a pose.

"Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that." Robin said. "You're fired. Usually I open with that."

"WHAAAAAAAT?!" Vaike exclaimed, falling out of his dramatic pose. "Why would you do that?!"

"Because, quite frankly, you're an annoying asshole!" Robin replied. "You were useful early on, don't get me wrong. We would need a heavy hitter and you would do the...heavy hitting. Lately, though, I don't really see your point."

"What do you mean?!" Vaike shouted. "Ol' Teach can do a bunch of things for ya! Like, just tell the Valke-"

"For the love of all things that are good and holy, stop talking in the third person!" Robin exclaimed. "It makes no sense for you to do that. Gregor can do it, but Gregor is supposed to be German...or was it Russian…Maybe Hulkish. Look, I'm not gonna get caught up in all the accents going on here. Point is, your annoyingness outweighs your use to the Shepherds."

"But the Vaike wants to be a hero!"

"You already helped us win two wars." Robin said. "I think you can live off of that glory."

Vaike stormed toward the door.

"I'll show you to mess with the Vaike…" He muttered. "Ol' Teach and Robin are gonna have a bit of a sparring match next time they see one another…"

Robin glared at Virion, who was seated across from him.

"Is there something wrong, my good tactician?" Virion asked.

"...I'm thinking about letting you go." Robin replied.

"What?!" Virion exclaimed. "Do explain, old friend!"

"I'm a bit conflicted about it, though." Robin said. "On one hand, you are extremely skilled. I could send you against a squad of soldiers, riders, Risen, all by yourself. You could shoot an arrow into the air and kill all of them in one shot. Just like Legolas…" He muttered.

"Who?" Virion asked.

Robin ignored him. "On the other hand, you are a huge asshole."

"I beg you pardon?!" Viron exclaimed. "Please enlighten me on this most poorly based judgment on my character!"

"See, it's shit like that that makes you look like an asshole." Robin said. "That sentence could have been much shorter than it actually was. Also, I've decided to fire you. Not on the fence about it anymore."

"But-But I am Duke Virion! The Greatest Archer who ever lived! Swooner of Women from different sides of the world! The most marvelous thing to ever set foot upon the face of the planet!"

"Still making yourself sound like an asshole." Robin commented. "I mean, I know you're skilled, and you can prove most of the claims you make, although I can't speak for the swooning thing." He paused. "Actually, in my opinion, most of the other male Shepherds would kick your ass in picking up women. Hell, even Inigo could, if he flaunted around more of that inner tragic hero stuff he has all bottled up."

"But...But…" Virion stuttered.

"Also, aren't you a duke? What are you even still doing here? Go back to Roxanna or wherever you come from!"

"Rosanne." Virion corrected.

"I really don't give a crap. I mean, I know the people there kinda hate you because you are an asshole who is kinda full of himself."

"But I did it to protect them!" Virion exclaimed.

"If you just told people that, I'm positive you would be swimming in pussy. I've always found it pretty ironic how the people who claim to be ladykillers never use the attributes they have that could pick up women to pick up women, and instead insist on use foppish personas to pick women up. Kinda like Bruce Wayne…" He stared intently at Virion. "Are you Batman?"

"Who is Batman?" Virion asked.

"No, wait. Gerome is Batman." Robin said, shaking his head. "Now, get out of here. You have people to take care of. Or ignore. Or bang." Robin paused as Virion began to walk out the door. "Wait. I've never seen you and Gerome in the same place. Are you Gerome?"

Virion was already gone.

"Hello, Frederick." Robin said to the Great Knight.

"Good day, Robin." He replied. The two sat there for a few seconds.

"So." Robin said. "Let's see your résumé. You can ride a horse and use a sword. Or a spear, whatever you want." He closed the folder. "What would you say makes you stand out from the other people who ride horses and use weapons? Or the people who ride horses but use magic? Or the people who use weapons but ride dragons? Or the people who just are fucking dragons?"

Frederick sat calmly through Robin's questions. "I believe my loyalty to the royal family makes me a valuable addition to the Shepherds."

"You mean made." Robin said. "You aren't a Shepherd anymore."

"What?!" Frederick shouted. "By whose authority?!"

"Mine." Robin replied. "Which was given to me by the Exalt."

"Oh." Frederick replied, sitting back down.

"The Exult also told me to tell you to take off your pants and twerk like a madman." Robin said.

Frederick sighed and began to take off his armor. Robin stopped him right away.

"No. No. No. Don't. You actually think Chrom told me that? Naga, Freddy, that's…" Robin tried to find a word, then sighed. "You are way too obsessed with following the rules."

"Of course." Frederick said. "Why would they be there if not to be followed?"

"No, I get SOME of the rules." Robin said. "What I mean is that you take away any leeway you would be able to give yourself to relax."

"Lissa has been teaching me to-"

"I don't want to know about your sex life, Fred!" Robin exclaimed. "Given how you seem to act around royalty, I can't imagine what happens in the bedroom between you and Lissa! Is she on top?"

"Please stop this line of questioning." Frederick said.

"You brought it up!" Robin exclaimed. "Anyway, you're still knight captain or whatever you were, but you aren't a Shepard. So get out."

Frederick sighed and began to walk out of the office.

"Wait. Frederick." Robin said.

Frederick turned around hopefully.

"Walk out of here moonwalking and holding your crouch." Robin said.

"Why would I do such a thing?!" Frederick exclaimed.

"Because I'm married to royalty." Robin replied, waving the hand with his wedding ring on it. "Now, dance monkey!"