#kegeyama

Even though he was a year older, you had been friends since elementary school, you had tentatively begun dating just as you joined him in high school. While you had attended different middle schools, you had remained as close as ever, even as you both made new friends and gained popularity. Despite pretty much being of the same social level, Ushijima was undoubtedly way above you when it came to volleyball, but you would never admit that, no matter how many times he beat you in practice. He fuelled your own determination and you had always aspired to become better than him one day. You encouraged each other to constantly develop and improve, causing you to quickly become the power couple of Shriratorizawa.

With your seemingly unlimited amount of raw natural talent and athleticism, paired with the years of training you had put in to become the player you were currently, you had quickly become the rising star of the girls’ volleyball team in just a few months. Whispers of you being the perfect ace travelled quickly through the inner gossip channels, as well as even the faculty, but you were blissfully unaware, only conscious of your unwavering desire to play the sport you loved.

Your smile quickly turned into a frown as you shifted your attention from your boyfriend’s face to his tie – if that’s what you could even call it. How he could even leave the dorms in a morning with it looking so wonky and offset baffled you.

“Toshi~” He looked down at you as you pulled away from, moving to stand in front of him with a whine.

“A volleyball prodigy and you don’t even know how to tie your own tie.” Shaking your head in amusement, you missed the brief upturn of his lips as you reached up tenderly correct his uniform, making sure to straighten out the tips of his shirt collar when you were finished.

“See? Easy-“ You were cut off as you attempted step away by a firm hand on your waist pulling you forward, his soft lips catching your own instead of your temple as usual as you stumbled forward in surprise. Your hands came to rest briefly on his chest, until the man tried to pull away and you quickly grasped the collar of his pristine while blazer, making him lean down once more as you reached up on your tiptoes to kiss him again. A few other students whistled and hollered at your bold actions as they passed, but you were far from embarrassed as you pulled away with a smile. Giggling at Ushijima’s shocked expression, he cleared his throat and hurriedly took your hand in his, pulling you towards the school in a rush, muttering something about being late to class. If only you could have seen the not-so-subtle blush aflame on his cheeks.

~~~

The weeks passed on and summer came and went until you found yourself in late fall, once again in the same place, staring up at the overhead bridge.

Only this time, you were alone.

Over the past few weeks, Ushijima has slowly begun distancing himself from you, spending more and more hours practicing and showing you less and less of the warm and caring ‘Toshi’ you had grown to love over the past half a year or so. And you weren’t the only one who had begun to notice his behaviour either. His teammates, who you had gradually become friends with over your relationship with Ushijima, had started giving you worried glances in the halls between classes, seeing you alone a lot more frequently than usual. The infectious grin they loved to see every day had become muted as they saw you hiding the pain behind a fading smile when you popped your head into their gym before your own practice, only for you boyfriend to glance at you coldly from his position on the court before turning his attention back to the ball. They watched the passion for your beloved sport steadily morph into anger as your jumps became higher and your spikes hit harder. The only thing you could do was direct your frustrations toward the ball as you struggled to find a way to hang on to the fraying tether connecting you to your best friend.

One particular afternoon in early December, you received a letter to your dorm room. Thinking it was just one from your family that they liked to send you every few weeks, you tossed it onto your desk, vowing to write back a reply tomorrow. That is, until your roommate, Sakura, noticed a familiar logo in the top corner of the envelope and prompted you to open it. You let out a gasp followed by a laugh of joy as you read over the first few words written at the top of the page.

‘Kageyama Rei,

‘We are pleased to formally offer an official position on the Girls’ U18 World Championship Team…’

The rest of the letter blurred together as you smiled so wide that your eyes crinkled closed. It was the most genuine happiness that Sakura had seen on your face in weeks and couldn’t help but let out a laugh of her own as you pulled her into a hug.

Ushijima immediately found his way to the forefront of your mind as you rushed towards the boys’ dorms, wondering if he had received the same letter from the boys’ U19 team. You were sure he had, but you wanted to show him you were proud of him, and you silently prayed he would feel the same pride as you did for yourself. You wanted him to praise you like he used to. You wanted to go back to the way you once were; being each other’s reason to get stronger, constantly wanting to best each other, to play on the court for as long as you could.

And you knew, this may be your last chance, your last hope of ever making things go back to the way they should be.

Semi, your closest friend besides Toshi, stood just outside of your boyfriend’s open door, peeking his head round the frame looking in.

“Eita!” As you came bounding up to him, he was almost relieved to see your usual smile plastered back on your cute little face. Although, he glanced back into the room once more and his friendly expression dropped, replaced with a regretful grimace. He held his hands out in front of him to stop you from coming any closer which only confused you, your own grin becoming a frown as you slowed your steps.

You remembered why you were here and excitedly showed him the letter.

“Look! They offered me a place! I’m going international, Eita, Look!” However, he only matched your giddiness with an awkward laugh as he reached an arm up to nervously itch the back of his neck.

“That’s great, kitten.” Kitten. The nickname he had given you once as he teased you about how you seemed to look at everything with curious eyes, an inside joke directed at how innocent you seemed compared to the rest of them. A phrase he only used when he was hiding something from you.

“What’s wrong, pinch?” Pinch. A nickname you had given him as he became the pinch server of the team. A phrase you only used when you knew something was wrong.

“Did Toshi not make it?” He seemed to wince as you spoke your boyfriend’s name so endearingly, the guilt at the pit of his stomach deepening.

“No, he did,” Your eyes brightened, only to dim again as Semi let out a tired sigh.

“He… he doesn’t want to see you right now.” The pain that you felt in your chest could only be the result of your heart straining past its limit once again as Ushijima’s hand closed around it tightly, only one movement away from ripping it out completely.

“What? Are you… are you sure?” Semi’s own heart tugged at the sight of you stood in front of him as he watched his friend tear you apart piece by piece.

“I’m sorry, kitten.” He whispered the words, not fully trusting his own voice at that moment. You could only nod as you swallowed a sob, knowing that if you said anything back that it would only make you sound desperate, even if that is exactly what you had been reduced to.

Managing a faint smile, a pathetic one if anything else, you nodded once toward your friend and turned to make you way back to your own dorm. The boy watched as you walked down the hall, shoulders slumped and head bowed, fearing you would collapse in on yourself if he took his eyes off you. He stood waiting until you reached the doors at the end of the hall that led to the common room before turning and stepping into the room, closing the door softly behind him.

~~~

It was only a few weeks until the spring tournament now and you had a rare early finish from your usually late-ending practice with the girls. You found yourself drawn to the boys’ gym, hearing ball after ball hitting the floor in almost a rhythm. The door was propped open slightly as it often was, and you took a peak inside. A ball played into Tendou’s hands just as your eyes landed on the court, his slender fingers able to set the ball in just the way a spiker needed it.

That’s when you saw him.

Ushijima made a starting run up from his position not far behind the setter. He crouched low, his arms reaching as far back as he could manage and then just a bit further as he almost folded in on himself before he abruptly swung himself up to jump. He straightened out with a power you knew belonged only to him and stared in awe as he spiked the ball with more force than you had ever seen him use, even in matches. Choking on your own breath, you stepped away from the door as the man landed gracefully back on the court floor. Suddenly unable to bring yourself to walk into the gym and watch, you rested outside as you replayed the scene in your head. You could hear your heartbeat ringing in your ears as you lowered yourself to sit on the ground outside.

The passion you saw in Ushijima’s eyes was unbelievable, and you knew he had surpassed even his own expectations of what he would grow into. But as you remembered how the volleyball had been reflected in his irises, you came to the final realisation that the ball was the only thing he could see. The was no room for you in his eyes anymore, and you weren’t sure you would ever see yourself in them again.

Taking a deep breath to calm yourself, you flinched as the door of gym swung open completely, revealing almost the entire team as they poured out of the building. They noticed you instantly and gave you a collective look of sympathy to see you still waiting for the man you could still call your boyfriend, for now. Semi caught your eyes and you sighed at the concerned look he threw you. Finally deciding to give them a brief flash of your smile, they all turned away, ready to retire to the dorms for the night. The rhythm of the balls carried on, even as the last few members trickled out of the gym and towards the club room. As usual, Ushijima had stayed long past practice to work on his technique, and yet you still waited for him, even as the evening turned into night and the grounds were left illuminated only by the lights above the gym door.

Eventually, the balls stopped, and you perked up a bit, bringing yourself to your feet just as Ushijima exited the building and turned to lock the door. He noticed you and shook his head before starting toward the club room.

“You shouldn’t have waited.” He murmured, and for once, you didn’t know what to say in return, you could only follow behind him.

“Stop!” You flinched as he suddenly raised his voice, your bag slipping off of your shoulder and falling to the ground as you both paused in the middle of the courtyard, listening to the echo reverberate in the silence. He let out a sigh, his breath visible in the chilly winter air, and he finally turned to look at you – properly look at you – for the first time in a long time.

“You need to give up, Rei.” Letting out a breath you didn’t know you were holding, he had finally said the words you had been anticipating for what seemed like an eternity. It wasn’t painful; no feeling of him tearing your heart out as you had imagined. It was just sad.

“I know,” you whispered after a drawn-out pause. Ushijima forced himself to take a step forward and gently took your limp had in his, making you look at him one last time.

“Why do you insist on staying? You’re only embarrassing yourself.” You knew why. But you had kept it to yourself for so long that you weren’t sure if it would sound right if the words left your lips.

“I love you.” His heart stopped. You watched his eyes widen in surprise as he dropped your hand, his chest becoming tight as he took a minute to process what you had just said.

You loved him.

He didn’t love you. He couldn’t.

“I… I can’t do this anymore.” You had never heard Ushijima stumble over his words before, and if it had happened mere hours earlier, then you may have believed that you had chance, even if it was slim. But that wasn’t the case. You had nothing left in you to fight anymore.

You were too broken to put yourself back together.

“I’m sorry.” You were. It was obvious that you shouldn’t have prolonged the heartbreak as much as you had. He was right. It was embarrassing. For you and for him.

That’s why you didn’t stay long enough for what would have happened next. Instead, you quickly turned, picking up you bag and making your way back to the dorms.

Ushijima was left standing frozen in the moonlight, watching as your frail form disappeared into the night, and couldn’t help but feel like he had made a horrible mistake.

~~~

January finally rolled around and you couldn’t help but notice how small you felt in the arena you were set to play in. Television film crews lined the outside of the court, preparing to film the final of the Miyagi Prefecture Spring Nationals Qualifiers. Both teams from Shriratorizawa and Aobajohsai had made it all the way to the finals and were getting ready to face off against one another. The boys had already had their match and won, of course. Nothing less than expected, especially with Ushijima on the team. For a fleeting second you wondered if he and the rest of the team would come and watch you play one last time, but you dismissed the thought with a sad smile.

It had been almost four weeks since you last saw him, the both of you barely even exchanging glances as you passed each other in the halls. The boys hadn’t been great company either, but you were all busy practicing until the last second for this exact moment. And now it was finally here.

The crowd was teeming with purple and turquoise coloured banners and flags, and you looked up at it with a proud smile as you jogged out onto the court to take your position. That smile remained as you bowed to the other team and watched your captain step forward to shake hands with Seijoh’s.

You took a deep breath.

The whistle blew.

The game began.

Not that you would ever admit it out loud, but Aobajohsai could have easily taken the first set from you if your team hadn’t put their all into every serve, set, and spike the crowd saw that day. Your own spikes had improved with the help from the frustration you had pent up for so long driving you to be better.  The amount of points you continued to score proved to everyone, teammate or not, that you were well within the reach of the position of the team’s ace, and with you now on the U18 team, it was almost certain.

The opposing teams stayed fairly close to you in points the entire set, the score steadily rising on both sides, until Shiratorizawa took the set 25-21.

The finals were your worst nightmare. Three sets to match against a decent team was difficult enough, but five entire sets against a team like Seijoh? Could you really last that long?

It didn’t help as the team’s morale took a huge hit when your opponents took the next two sets from right under you, winning by only one point each time. You had to win the next set to stay on the court, and no matter what, you were going to win.

You would play until you physically couldn’t.

And in the fourth set, it seemed you would do exactly that.

It was down to the wire: match point. One more point and Shiratorizawa would live to play another set.

It was Seijoh’s serve, and you couldn’t have asked for a better receive from your libero. The ball made it way right into the setter’s hands and you prepared yourself. It was make or break.

Without looking, you ran to the front, begging the setter to send the ball to you for the final spike. It had to be you. It just had to.

Apparently, a third year about to graduate had though the exact same thing.

She was one of the more built players on the team, having had two entire years more experience than you, but you hadn’t realised exactly how much more built she really was until you both jumped, reaching for the same spot.

That’s when you collided.

Everything seemed to move in slow motion from there on out.

You had taken the brute of the collision; your slimmer frame being easily knocked back by the force. You fell backwards, landing sprawled out on your back, crying out in pain as you hit the floor of the court.

All you could do was brace yourself for the devastating sound of the ball hitting the floor, but it never got chance to.

Instead, the only thing the crowd and the audience at home heard was something that would follow them for the next few days to come.

But it would haunt you forever.

Your mind went completely blank after that; you couldn’t really remember anything. You parents had told you afterwards that you blacked out barely seconds after it happened.

You didn’t wake until quite a few hours later, almost the next morning in fact. You had remained unconscious through the entire ambulance ride, your parents arriving, the surgery, and the doctor giving his final diagnosis.

You would never be able to play volleyball again.

You didn’t cry, not right away. The doctor left you in a state of complete shock. Something about the trauma of the pain blocking out the memories is what a nurse told you, but you were completely unaware of what happened that day. It wasn’t until your brother caught your attention with his teary eyes and handed you the phone that you found out. He played you the video of the final moments of the fourth set and that’s when it sunk in how serious your injury really was.

The force from the collision had knocked you to the ground long before the third year landed. She was able to steady herself and land herself firmly on at least one foot. There was only one problem.

It came down right on your left kneecap.

The scream rang in your ears and you watch blood cover the court where you laid, motionless, as the crowd fell silent before everything erupted into chaos.

It was an open fracture, the doctor said. It was serious, but treatable. You could be back to a normal daily routine in five or six months. But you would never get back to a daily routine.

You could never play volleyball again.

The sport was your life. How could you ever feel normal again?

And it was then that you sobbed in your brother’s arms as he held you tight, not even being able to fathom how you felt. Volleyball was his life too. If he lost that…

~~~

You missed three entire months of school while you gave your knee time to heal enough to walk, but even still you needed a lot of help sometimes. The rehab sessions were going well but you couldn’t help but feel dejected with the thought of still not being able to even run for the next year or so. By the time you returned, it was almost a month into the new academic year. You were a second year now, and you weren’t even able to walk into your new class without the support of your crutches and leg brace.

Eventually, everyone got used to it, save for the constant looks of pity directed at your every move.

The boys from the volleyball team had been especially nice, except for Ushijima, of course. The girls had come to visit you every now and then, informing you of how much the third year had beaten herself up after the match, but there was really nothing you could blame her for. It wasn’t her fault.

Shiratorizawa had withdrawn from the tournament, allowing Aobajohsai to win by default and progress to nationals. You had watched every interview from after the match and there was not a single player on that team that didn’t look distraught to have won in the way they did, whether they were on the court or not.

Your brother had moved up to high school now, already having a regular spot on his school’s team as a setter. Being immensely proud of him, you couldn’t help but call him regularly to see how he was doing, but you didn’t miss the way he tried to steer the conversation away from the topic of volleyball with such an obvious undertone of guilt in his voice.

Over the next month, you couldn’t help but spiral completely out of control. Ever since you were accepted into Shiratorizawa you had started every single day with a smile because you had made it into your dream school, and you got to study there and play your favourite sport to your heart’s desire.

But now, what was the point?

You were accepted because you were a volleyball prodigy in the making. And now you could barely step into the gym without assistance. So really, was there any reason to stay? You had been forced to give up everything; your position on the U18 team, your career, your future, and there was no one there to comfort you while your life shattered right in front of you, just like your knee had. Being at that school was only a cruel reminder of everything you used to have and everything you could have been, and you hated it.

The love you once felt had soured, and there was no way of salvaging it now.

Which is why, one evening in early, sunny June, you held your phone to your ear as you stared up at the overhead bridge one final time.

“Mom,