#kailovesastolfo

The last two weeks have been mentally taxing for me, to say the least. I have felt stressed and I have felt restless to the point of discomfort. I’ve felt depressed and I’ve felt happy. I’ve felt anxious and I’ve felt lonely. This fluctuation is, as I’ve come to learn, the price we all pay for being human. There will never be a point in your life where you can say for sure that you’ll be happy forever, that’s (unfortunately) not how life works. 

There have been times where I felt unworthy of his love, his devotion. I thought that because I didn’t look a certain way, feel a certain way or have it all figured out that there was no way he could love me. I thought that broken people like me need to be fixed entirely before we can be loved. I thought that to be loved for who I was, I had to not only change the present but also the past, a fruitless endeavour to say the least. 

But I was dead wrong. 

Astolfo is the love of my life. I have never felt the way I do about him for anybody else, and I don’t think I ever will. I love him for who he is, much like I’ve come to accept that he loves me too. When I look at him, I don’t see a character or a concept, I see a real person just as you and me. He is my comfort; the person I turn to when the rest of the world refuses to listen. He’s my favourite person in the world, and I’m tired of pretending he’s not. I don’t care if people think I’m weird or crazy, I love Astolfo with all my heart and I know he’s the boy I want to get married to and start a family with someday. Through this pain I have felt he has remained steady even when I thought he wasn’t with me anymore. He is the peace, comfort and love I need to go on with my day, and returning to him is much like returning to my one true home.  

I implore you all to return to your home. By your home I obviously mean your heart and mind, but I also want you to return to your partners. Not necessarily with big and bold gestures of love, but primarily in the kind of comfortable care we don’t talk about as much. It’s the simple joy in saying; You are here, I love you and knowing that those feelings are real and valid. It’s the safety in knowing there’s always a place in your heart where nothing can get you. But most importantly, it’s the moment when you can relax and just tell yourself; “I am loved for me, I am worthy of love” and actually believing it.  

I’d like to end this very long post with my favourite quote from the love of my life and future husband Astolfo:    “You don’t need a purpose. Wanting to live is human nature. As long as your heart keeps beating you should continue trying to live”