the wife they didn't know about (and the captain who kept stealing her)
Pairing: Hoshina Soshiro x Reader
Genre: Fluff, comedy, chaotic domestic energy
Warning: None. Just Hoshina being a dramatic husband and Mina being a menace.
The first time the Third Division finds out Vice Captain Hoshina is married, it's an accident.
Kafka had asked, offhandedly, "Anyone special in your life, Vice Captain?" while they were eating lunch. Hoshina had grunted, pulled out his phone, and showed a photo.
A photo of you. Smiling. Wearing his jacket. Holding a cat.
"Wife," he said. "Three years."
Kafka choked on his rice. Reno dropped his chopsticks. Kikoru's eye twitched.
"You're MARRIED?!"
Hoshina blinked. "Did I not mention it?"
NO. HE DID NOT MENTION IT. FOR THREE YEARS.
The second time is when you show up to bring him lunch.
You'd texted: "Forgot your bento again. Outside."
He meets you at the gate. Takes the bag. Kisses your forehead. Says, "Thanks, love," and walks back inside.
You wave. Leave.
The entire division watched from the windows.
"WHO WAS THAT?!" Kafka screamed.
"My wife," Hoshina said, already opening the bento. "She makes excellent tamagoyaki."
"YOU HAVE A WIFE?!"
"I literally just told you."
"THAT WAS TWO HOURS AGO. I DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE SERIOUS."
But here's the thing everyone at Division 3 thinks they know.
They think Hoshina has a thing for Captain Ashiro.
Why? Because he's loyal to her. Defers to her in battle. Followed her since the beginning. There are rumors. Whispers. The kind of gossip that sprouts in any workplace where two attractive, competent people work closely together.
Hoshina knows about the rumors. He doesn't care.
Mina knows about the rumors. She finds them deeply annoying.
You know about the rumors. You think they're hilarious.
The truth is far more chaotic.
Mina Ashiro, Captain of the Third Division, fearsome kaiju killer, ice queen extraordinaire, has one weakness.
Your cooking.
It started innocently. You made extra portions one night and told Hoshina to share with his team. He brought some to Mina. She took one bite. Her eyes widened.
"Who made this?"
"My wife."
"Bring more tomorrow."
And because Mina Ashiro does not askβshe commandsβyou suddenly had a standing Tuesday meal prep for the Captain.
Then Wednesday.
Then Friday.
Then Mina started texting you directly.
"Name. What's for dinner?"
"Captain. You can't justβ"
"I'm not asking."
You sighed. Sent her your schedule. She showed up at your door that evening with groceries and a bottle of wine.
Hoshina came home to find his wife and his captain in the kitchen, drinking, laughing, and absolutely destroying a pot of curry.
"What," he said, "is happening."
"Your wife is teaching me to make katsu," Mina said, not looking up. "Sit down or leave."
He sat down.
He had no choice.
This becomes a pattern.
Mina starts "borrowing" you on your days off.
"Captain, I have plansβ"
"Cancelled. We're making mochi."
"Butβ"
"That's an order."
You'd show up at the base with Mina, both of you covered in flour, and the division would stare.
"Is that... the Vice Captain's wife?"
"With Captain Ashiro?"
"Why are they holding grocery bags?"
"They look... happy?"
Reno, the only sensible one, squinted. "I think Captain Ashiro is stealing his wife."
Hoshina confronts her.
"Mina. Stop stealing my wife."
"I'm not stealing her. She chooses to spend time with me."
"Because you ORDER her to."
"I order her to cook. She chooses to stay because she likes me." Mina took a sip of tea. "Your wife told me you leave your socks on the floor. Honestly, Soshiro, she deserves better."
Hoshina sputtered. "Sheβthat'sβwe're MARRIED."
"And I'm her favorite captain."
"YOU'RE MY CAPTAIN."
"I'm everyone's favorite captain."
The division watches this argument happen in real time.
Kafka: "Are they... fighting about his wife?"
Kikoru: "Captain Ashiro is definitely flirting."
Reno: "With the WIFE. She's flirting with the WIFE."
Mina: "Y/N is coming over again tonight. We're making dumplings. You're not invited, Soshiro."
Hoshina: "SHE'S MY WIFE."
Mina: "Then learn to cook."
The rumor mill goes into overdrive.
"Hoshina has a thing for Captain Ashiro!"
"No, Captain Ashiro has a thing for his WIFE!"
"Is this a love triangle?"
"It's a love SQUARE at this point. Who's the fourth?"
"Kafka. It's always Kafka."
Kafka, who is just trying to eat his lunch: "WHY AM I INVOLVED?!"
You, meanwhile, are blissfully unaware of the chaos.
You're just happy to have friends. Mina is intense but kind. She doesn't treat you like "the Vice Captain's wife"βshe treats you like you. She asks about your day. Remembers your favorite tea. Defends you when Hoshina forgets to do the dishes.
"She called me a menace," Hoshina complains one night.
"Because you are a menace."
"I'm your HUSBAND."
"And I love you. But you're still a menace. Mina thinks so too."
"Stop agreeing with Mina."
"Stop giving her reasons to agree with."
He groans. Falls face-first onto the couch. You pat his head.
"I married a traitor," he mumbles into the cushion.
"You married the woman who makes you tamagoyaki. Be grateful."
The final straw happens at a division banquet.
Everyone is there. Officers from other divisions. Important people. Mina is looking stunning in her dress uniform. Hoshina is looming protectively next to you.
An officer from Division 2 approaches. Looks at Hoshina. Looks at Mina. Leans in.
"So, Hoshina. When are you and Captain Ashiro going toβ"
"She's my WIFE," Hoshina snaps, grabbing your hand and shoving it in the officer's face. Your wedding ring catches the light.
The officer blinks.
"I'm married. To HER. Not Mina. MY WIFE. HER." He points at you. Then at Mina. "And Mina keeps STEALING her to MAKE DUMPLINGS."
Mina, from across the room: "The dumplings were excellent, by the way."
You wave. "Thanks, Captain!"
"You're welcome, Y/N."
Hoshina makes a sound like a dying animal.
The officer backs away slowly.
Later that night, you're sitting on the couch. Hoshina's head is in your lap. You're running your fingers through his hair.
"They really thought you and Mina had a thing?" you ask.
"It's the worst rumor I've ever faced."
"Worse than the time they thought you and Kafkaβ"
"We don't speak of that."
You laugh. He cracks one eye open.
"You're not jealous?"
"Nope."
"Not even a little?"
"You come home to me every night. You hold my hand in public. You tell everyone I'm your wife." You lean down and kiss his forehead. "Why would I be jealous?"
He grumbles. But his ears are red.
"...Mina says you deserve better."
"I have you. That's already better."
He goes very still. Then he sits up, cups your face, and kisses you properly.
"I love you," he says. "Even if you keep cooking for my captain."
"Your captain who outranks you and can order me around?"
"Don't remind me."
You grin. "I'm making dumplings for her tomorrow. Want to come?"
He sighs. "Fine. But I'm eating most of them."
"Deal."
The next day, the division walks into the break room to find Hoshina, you, and Mina sitting around a table, making dumplings. Hoshina has flour on his nose. You're laughing. Mina is critiquing his folding technique ("Too much filling, Soshiro. Your wife taught you better.").
Kafka stares.
Reno takes a photo.
Kikoru whispers, "I'm so confused."
And Mina looks up, deadpan: "He's still terrible at dumplings. But his wife is wonderful. I'm keeping her."
Hoshina: "SHE'S MY WIFE."
Mina: "Then learn to fold properly."
You: "Can we please just enjoy the dumplings?"
Chaos, thy name is the Third Division.
