LOOK BACK | Hoshina Soshiro
Chapter VI
➢Summary: You weren't one to stick to tradition. Never were you, and never will you be. And if it meant following Hoshina Soshiro even to the pits of hell, you wouldn't hesitate on breaking any custom or practice. Too bad he never bothered to look back, where you always were.
➢Content: romance, angst, friendship, humour, violence (cw: mentions of death, fighting, blood, injuries, alcohol, cursing, possible mental distress from the characters, some gender stereotypes, suicidal ideations [brief scene during chapter V]). will expand with the story.
➢ Pairing: Vice-captain! Hoshina x Platoon Leader! Fem! Reader
➢Genre: childhood best friends to lovers
➢Wc: 4999
➢notes: Guess who's back? Back again~ (okay sorry hihihi). I won't make this note too long, since y'all are probably waiting to read the chapter asap. Yes, I was absent for almost seven months, but we are so back! I hope you enjoy this piece of the story, and that it was worth the wait.
As always, likes, comments and reblogs are always appreciated. My DMs are always open if any of y'all wanna chat.
~May
One month. That’s how long you spent in the hospital after the incident.
Needless to say, it had been one of the worst beatings you had taken in your military career. Even the doctors at the hospital were surprised that you could still fight and be conscious for a few minutes after one of your lungs had been punctured almost all the way through. Muscle tears all over your body, multiple fractures on your ribs, shoulder, and legs, wounds bleeding you to death…and the list went on and on.
Your whole body ached for the first two weeks, although the miraculous medical technology from the Defense Force aided in speeding up the process. By the end of the third week, you no longer needed assistance to move around and do your things. The fourth week was filled with screams from nurses telling you to rest when you insisted on doing light exercises and catching up on reports.
Hoshina had put you under indefinite administrative leave after the incident. Due to the temporary demotion, you weren’t given any information about the missing officers from sector Delta. It wasn’t until a few days after you had woken up that Nakanoshima had come to visit you and revealed some details about the operation. Apparently, the horde of spider kaiju they had encountered had been smarter than they had expected. While scoping the field, they were ambushed from above and stung with a venom that made them lose consciousness. Only the platoon leader managed to escape for a bit before also fainting, which explained why you found her separated from the group. The rest of the platoon was found wrapped in spider silk in a building not far away from your battle, probably waiting to be eaten like a snack. Aside from the huge scare, thankfully everyone was okay and back to duty.
As they made their rounds to visit you, Nakanoshima and her officers left flowers on your bedside. For days, you couldn’t even watch them without feeling nausea.
The truth was, no matter how fiercely your body burned, the deepest wounds never bled. Hoshina’s final words on the battlefield continued to echo through you, rattling your very bones. But the cruelest blow wasn't his voice; it was the knowing. In that split second of desperation, you had broken, and that lapse had nearly buried both Nakanoshima and yourself. How could you ever piece yourself back together after a failure like that?
“Ya don’t go around playin’ hero like a dumbass, because that’s not what ya are. That’s not what you're meant to be”.
Every moment of silence was haunted by those words. Hoshina had read you in a fraction of a second. Being a platoon officer was not about being the hero of a story. It was about protecting the people and protecting your comrades. Dying like that on the field wasn’t going to reward you with an honorable death in the line of duty.
You would have died like a reckless fool.
At least you had to be grateful that Hoshina didn’t report you for your moment of instability. That gave you the chance to come back to your job. Although, at the present moment, you doubted how you could ever return after such a humiliation.
Your daily mood spiral was interrupted by two knocks on your door.
“Miss (Y/N),” it was the soft voice of one of the nurses, “you have a visitor in the waiting room. Do you want me to send them in?”
A visitor? You asked yourself. Nobody has said anything about visiting me the last few days.
“Yes, please,” you answered from your bed, “send them in”.
A few seconds later, two knocks shook the door before it was slid open. Strands of long white and purple hair made you gasp in surprise.
“Soichiro?!”
Soshiro’s older brother stood before the entrance of your room, his ever-present smile sitting on his lips. He wore the Defense Force gala uniform, adorned with the long sword slung across his back. His long hair was tied in his usual side braid style. It had been a couple of years since you had last seen him, but he hadn’t changed one bit.
“Yo, kiddo, long time no see,” he greeted while shutting the door. He did you a once-over, his smile deepening. “So ya got beat up that badly, huh?”
“Good to see ya too.” You rolled your eyes at him. It was rare to be alone with Soichiro, especially when the rocky relationship between the Hoshina siblings often left you picking sides. Needless to say, you were very wary and surprised to see him go out of his way to come see you. “What are ya doin’ here outta all places? Did something happen in Himeji?”
Soichiro sat down on the chair beside your bed, not looking a bit uncomfortable. “HQ called a meeting here in Tokyo this week. I heard from yer parents that ya were in here, so I decided to come out of my free will”.
You narrowed your eyes at him. “Sure…does Soshiro know yer here?”
Soichiro laughed. “Did ya tell him?”
“No…?”
“Then go figure.” he shrugged it off. “Now stop being so surprised and take this little present I got’cha”.
He placed a box you hadn’t noticed in your bed. It was a small wooden box, only decorated by a thin red string tied on top. You grabbed it with hesitance, almost like he handed you a bomb. Everything about Soichiro until now had been unexpected. Your fingers moved at a slow pace, and you occasionally shot the man a suspicious look. Once it was open, you let out another gasp.
“No, ya didn’t” was all you could exclaim.
Inside rested five balls of white fluff, carefully covered in oak leaves. Kashiwamochi. Your favorite dessert from home. You looked at Soichiro with round eyes.
“Yes, I did,” he looked smug at your reaction to your present, “now eat ‘em before I try to steal them from ya”.
You both remained in silence while you munched away the sweets. Even after being separated by the passage of time and space, the experience brought you back to your simple youth. No kaiju, no duties, no complicated feelings.
Truth be told, your bond with Soichiro was a tangled mess. Being your best friend’s older brother, he’d woven himself into the fabric of your life—training with you, pulling you along on nights out, shielding you when it counted. You looked up to him almost as if he were your own blood, trusting his counsel when you needed a steady hand.
But you could never fully separate the man he was to you from the brother he was to Soshiro. You’d been the primary witness to every cruel word and subtle humiliation Soichiro had dished out over the years. Admire him as you might, you couldn't just forget. Even if those sharp edges had ultimately forged Soshiro’s character and talent, the lingering of every old insult still left a bitter taste in your mouth.
You had reached for the nearest water bottle when Soichiro spoke once more.
“So,” he began, playful smile much like his brother’s, “did Soshiro finally reject ya?”
In an instant, your body forgot which was the correct way to drink water. After an intense fit of coughing and some pats on the back from your companion, you regained enough composure to shoot a confused look at Soichiro.
“How do ya even know that?” you asked, one hand grabbing your throat for relief and the other holding the bed rail.
Soichiro guffawed, amused by your situation. “Oh, I didn’t! Ya just told on yourself.”
“Oi,” you warned him, irritated by the sudden turn in conversation, “don’t play with me. What’cha mean by that?”
Once he had managed to settle down, he spoke. “I know nothing ‘bout what happens between you and that brat. But I do know both of you, and I can’t imagine ya being rattled enough by something to land yourself a month-long hospital visit other than that”.
“So the grand explanation for that is that Hoshina rejected me?”
“Mhm”.
“And how the fuck do ya even know ‘bout me liking him?”
Soichiro cackled once more. “Please, I’ve known you since you were a little kid. It was obvious for anyone with eyes and a brain to see that yer in love with my dear brother, Soshiro”.
Your face felt hot. It had never occurred to you that your feelings were so obvious.
“So?” Soichiro leaned back on his chair and crossed his arms behind his head. “Are ya gonna spill the details or do I have to call Soshiro?”
You haven’t spoken to Soshiro in years…, you thought. Either way, you told him everything.
Everything from your accidental confession on the couch of your apartment, to Hoshina’s rejection and even the night of the attack on Nakano Ward. Sadness, regrets, confessions, and feelings lay with you on that hospital bed.
Under any normal circumstance, you would have refused to be that vulnerable with Soichiro. But, truth to be told, you were exhausted enough that it felt easy to confide in him. The ache in your muscles and your heart lessened the tiniest bit after being able to open up about your struggles.
Soichiro’s face stayed neutral for most of your talk. There was no judgement, no humour, no pity. Just him listening to you. He waited until you stopped talking to finally speak.
“Can I tell ya my opinion?” He leaned back on his chair.
Your eyes were going to be permanently stuck to the back of your head from how often you rolled them with Soichiro present. “You are gonna give it to me anyway, so why ask?”
He stuck out his tongue to me before going back to his more serious countenance. “My opinion in all of these is that yer both the biggest idiots to ever exist, my little brother and ya”.
“Wow, gee, thanks! That’s exactly what I wanted to hear right now, ya dimwit”.
Soichiro didn’t pay attention to your comment. “Ya are an idiot for almost killing yourself and letting your comrades die in such a reckless way. I don’t think I have to explain that one to ya”. You glared at him. “Soshiro is also a big idiot for not realizing how he can’t live without you and letting the only person worth it in his life get away because of his stupid pride”.
You blinked twice. Realize his feelings…?. “What are ya talking about? His feelings? I think he made it very clear he doesn’t see me like that”.
Soichiro dismissed it with a hand gesture. “Again, anyone with working eyes and more than two neurons can see it. Too bad his don’t work properly to realize it himself. And yer a little dumb in the head. But that’s what I’m talkin’ about, and I’m not finished”.
You didn’t have enough strength to fight him on that topic and didn’t press further. Soichiro kept his monologue. “But, above all, my dear (Y/N), you are the biggest and stupidest idiot of both. If ya weren’t, ya would have been aware for a long time that ya’ve gotten too cozy being in Soshiro’s shadow”.
You felt like you had been hit with a frying pan on the back of the head. “...what do you mean?”
“(Y/N),” Soichiro took a deep breath, “I’m gonna explain it to ya with the best practical example. I was part of the committee that reviewed yer application for Vice-captain position in the Sixth Division. I’m the Captain there, or did ya hit yer head and forget?”
You shook my head. “No, I didn’t forget”.
He sighs. “We had a lot of candidates, but the officer chosen for the position was a Platoon Leader from the same division. The reason? The higher-ups wanted to keep cohesion among the ranks. Do ya understand what that means?” You don’t answer. His eyes widen as he looks intently at you. “I want ya to look at me when I say this. That means that the only reason yer here injured in this bed and not back at Himeji with me as Vice-captain is simply ‘cause they wanted a person from the same Division. In every other way, ya surpassed all candidates by miles”.
You couldn’t believe what Soichiro was implying. You were more than qualified to take the position of Vice-captain. The only thing separating you from the achievement was a goddamned administrative decision. You sat in your bed, mouth almost agape from the shock.
With just a couple of sentences, he had turned this last month upside down.
Soichiro’s grin returned to his face. “Are ya seeing it now, dumbass? The only person that hasn’t realized the potential ya have is yerself. Anyone in the whole JAKDF would kill to have you serve on their Division, but ya have been so fucking stubborn on remaining in Soshiro’s shadow that a fucking rejection was almost enough to kill ya”.
You shot him a dirty look, and he laughed. “What? It’s true, isn’t it? Ya aren’t the first person in the world to be rejected, did ya know that? And yet the world kept spinning with way less casualties than ya’d think”.
Soichiro took a deep breath and stood up from his chair. “Well, I guess that’s all I wanted from this visit. Seriously, reflect on it, (Y/N). Ya have so much potential in ya, and it’s a shame seeing it wasted on someone as dumb as my brother. Forget about him, and start chasing yer own dreams instead of being a supporting character in Soshiro's story. Yer worth way more than that”.
You couldn’t find the words to answer. How could you refute an argument like that? All these years people had thought you were wasting your time following Hoshina around like a lost puppy, when you could’ve been succeeding on your own…A slap on the face would have hurt less.
Soichiro didn’t say much more. Just as he slid the door open, he found himself in front of a face almost identical to his.
Hoshina Soshiro was there.
“Oh?” Soichiro grinned to himself. “What a lovely coincidence we have here! Are ya here to say hi to yer bro?”
From where you lay, you could feel the cringe travel through Soshiro’s body. “Good afternoon, Captain Hoshina”.
Soichiro laughed and slapped Soshiro’s shoulder. “Now, now, you don’t have to be so formal, Soshiro. This is the closest we’ll get to a full family reunion in a while”.
Soshiro was about to lose his patience. “Captain Hoshina, can I help ya with something? Could ya care to explain why are ya here?”
“Oh, I just came to pay our little (Y/N) a visit when I heard she was injured,” Soichiro’s smile looked more sly than usual. “I hope ya don’t mind. But I must say, ya need to take better care of her, Soshiro, look at her state! A 7.1 fortitude all on her own…where could her comrades have been at the time?”
You could see Soshiro starting to fume. “I appreciate the concern for my subordinates, Captain, but ya should be well aware injuries like this are common in battle. Especially when they are a byproduct of reckless behaviour”.
Your cheeks burned at the implications of Soshiro’s comments. Luckily, Soichiro came to your rescue. “Now, now, no need to get hot in the head! I was just worried about little (Y/N)”. His perpetual grin never falters. “But what I’m most curious about, little brother, is what are ya doin’ here?”
For the first time, Soshiro glanced behind his brother’s shoulder to look at you. “I’ve come to pick up Platoon Leader (Y/N) after her discharge papers are completed”.
You spoke for the first time since his arrival. “I’m being discharged today?”
“Yes,” was his answer. “The doctors back at Tachikawa base have been monitoring yer progress, and it was determined that the rest of your recovery can be done in-base. I was sent to arrange your discharge”.
You nodded. “I understand, sir”.
Soichiro turned back to you, amused. Sir? Either way, he didn’t comment on the matter. “My, then it was a good thing I came to see her when I did,” he said, slipping through the door. Soshiro let him pass, leaving a more than necessary distance between them. Before leaving completely, he stuck his head once more through the door. “Oh, and (Y/N)? Think ‘bout the thing I told ya, will ya? Bye bye!”
Like that, Soichiro was gone before you could answer. Hoshina looked like he wanted to ask you what you talked about with his brother, but remembered that you weren’t exactly on good terms at the moment.
You sat up in your bed, uncomfortable with the silence. “I’ll go to the nurses’ station and file the papers, sir. I’ll be quick”.
“Take yer time,” he said, giving you a weird look. “We ain’t in a rush yet”.
You nodded and walked out of the room. A shiver ran down your spine as you passed him on the way out. The cold indifference hit you full force after a month of no contact.
The only person that hasn’t realized the potential ya have is yerself.
Soichiro’s words resonate inside your head, building a little of your confidence back.
The paperwork and your packing passed in a blur. No more words were exchanged between you and Hoshina. Nevertheless, he silently offered to carry your bags as you walked down to his car. The way back to the base was filled with the low humming of the car radio, both of you unable to break the tension in the air.
Finally, you heard Hoshina sigh from the driver’s seat. “Okay, we have a long overdue conversation”.
You scoffed. “I believe you said more than enough the last time we talked. Both of the times we talked, actually”.
“Please, don’t be like that, and hear what I have to say,” he begged, hands gripping the steering wheel harder.
“Be like that? Ya keep dismissing me like I’m throwing a temper tantrum!”
Hoshina sighed once more. “Yer right, I shouldn’t have put it like that. Can ya now please hear me out?”
You looked away from him, watching cars pass by on the highway. “Fine, but I don’t have too much patience for ya”.
“Thank you.” Hoshina paused before talking. “I’ve been reflecting these past few weeks…about you. About us. ‘Bout this whole situation we’ve had and how it’s affecting us”.
Your heart shriveled at his words, but you said nothing. “I realized how much of an asshole I’ve been to ya. Yer my best friend since I can remember, but I haven’t always been the best to ya. Especially lately. I’m so sorry for that. I said way too many things that I didn’ mean, and I fucked up our friendship”. He paused once more. “I’m gonna be honest with ya. My feelings towards ya haven’t changed. I…don’t see ya like that, and I don’t want to give ya hope where there isn’t. Either way, I know ya and I know our friendship. I was wrong to ask you to pretend like none of this happened, but I hope we can go back to how it was to the best of our ability”.
“Yeah, you were a pretty big asshole,” you agreed. “And an insensitive one at that. I’ve spent all of these weeks thinkin’ and thinkin’, and I realized that’s what hurt the most. Sure, I didn’ want ya to find out about my feelings the way you did, but was it necessary to shut me down, not just as a lover, but also as a soldier and as a friend?”
Hoshina didn’t answer, and you didn’t wait for a reply. “I understand that you must’ve felt ambushed at the moment, but I believe our friendship deserved more than that. I deserved more than that”.
Cars sped through the highway as you continued your peaceful way to the base. Neither of you said anything for several minutes.
“You are right,” he admitted once more. “I was too freaked out to see it and blew it. I’m sorry”.
At that moment, you made a decision. “I’ll forgive you, Hoshina. I was wrong too, for making you worry ‘bout me. Especially that night in Nakano. I admit it was reckless and foolish of me to throw it all away. Yer brother helped me realize that. So, I’ll try to forgive ya, slowly, until we can go back to how we were before”.
If Hoshina was bothered by the mention of Soichiro, he didn’t say. “I like the sound of that. I promise I’ll do better from now on”.
Maybe it wasn’t the best apology in the world. Maybe there were still mountains of unsaid words between you and Hoshina before things could ever feel normal again—if "normal" was even possible anymore. But as flawed as it was, he was still in your life. That quiet, awkward drive back to the base after a month of silence was the crack in the wall you both needed to finally start moving forward.
After signalling the officers on duty, your car was allowed to enter the parking lot reserved for the high command. You parked and got out of the vehicle, circling it to get to the trunk. Hoshina was quicker than you in getting there and stood there, holding your bags with a smile.
“Ya have no idea how happy I am to have ya back,” he beamed at you.
You rolled your eyes, unable to contain a small smile. “Glad to be back, Vice-captain”.
Immediately, he pouted. “Are ya back to that ‘Vice-captain’ bullcrap?”
“We are literally back on base, and you are my commanding officer”.
“We haven’t made up for even twenty minutes!”
“Deal with it, sir!”
✦ . ⁺ . ✦ . ⁺ . ✦
It was one of those rare nights back at home where the sky was clear enough that you could see stars above. Light pollution was as ever-present as always, but the clear winter sky allowed you to appreciate the faint glow of the heavenly bodies above you.
The air was too cold, so cold that you could see your breath before you. Every inch of your skin exposed by the movement of your clothes was covered by goosebumps in less than a second. The tips of your nose and ears were the unluckiest victims of the cold. Yet, you only curled further into yourself, battling the bitter winter air while you sat on the wooden floor of the veranda.
Too lost in thought, you barely registered the feeling of a haori being placed on your shoulders. The scent on it was too familiar, and the fit was too big for you. Still, you let it attach to your frame like a second skin, grateful to the hands that placed it there.
“Yer gonna freeze out here,” Hoshina’s voice was deeper now, but it still retained much of his boyish tone. “Whatcha doin’ here?”
You buried your face deeper into the sleeves of your yukata. “...I fought with my parents again”.
Hoshino blinked twice before sitting down beside you. “What is it this time?”
You sighed. “They want me to continue competin’ in kendo with their dojo. They say I’m too talented to let it get wasted”.
“They’re right, though,” he conceded. His fingers traced the crevices between each wooden plank. “Yer a hell of a fighter. It’d be good for ya to keep competin’. Ya have a big shot at becomin’ the national champion”.
“My folks said the exact same thing,” you cover your lower face with Hoshina’s haori. “But I don’t wanna”.
Hoshina doesn’t answer immediately. Instead, he scooted closer to you, as if he knew you didn’t need space. You needed an embrace.
“Okay,” he simply said. “But did ya tell them why you don’t wanna?”
You shook your head, burying yourself even deeper into the cloth. “They wouldn’t understand”.
“But how do ya know that if ya haven’t even explained it to them?”
You turned to look at him, your cheek pressed against your crossed arms. “Because the reason they want me to become a kendoka is the one that keeps me from being one”.
Hoshina looked a little frustrated. “Imma need ya to start answering straight. Why do ya not wanna do kendo?”
You turned to look at him, eyes fixed on him. Puberty had started to settle into his body, and he had been growing into his features. Years of training showed in how he carried himself; the faint outlines of developing muscles could be seen whenever his garments moved too suddenly during practice. Lately, you had noticed that your height difference, practically nonexistent during your younger years, was starting to grow little by little. Although he was turning into a very fine fourteen-year-old, he didn’t escape the plights of adolescence, with constant voice breaks and sporadic acne outbreaks.
“Soichiro will be joining the Defense Force in a month,” you stated. “Will he be leaving soon?”
Hoshina looked at you, confused at the mention of his brother, but still answered. “Yes, he will leave the week before to set up base at Himeji…but what does this have to do with you?”
“And you,” you continued. “Will you be joining when you have the chance?”
His face darkened slightly under his choppy bangs. “Y’know that has always been my goal. Of course I’m joinin’”.
“Then I want to go with you!” There was barely space between his sentence and yours. “I want to join the Defense Force with you when we get older. That’s why I won’t continue with kendo”.
Hoshina’s eyes opened wide, revealing his red irises. You joining together had been talked about as a possibility, but never a certainty. An option uttered between laughs as you talked about your futures. Until then, your best friend had never heard you utter such a firm resolution.
“Why…?” was the only thing he could respond back then. “Why do you wanna do it?”
You sat straighter. “I wanna join you in the fight against kaiju! I wanna stand beside you as we save people’s lives”.
The half-lie weighed like lead on your tongue. Yes, part of you wanted to be the self-sacrificed hero that fought to bring peace to their community. The idea had grown at a slow pace on your chest for a long time, either from apparent selflessness or simple naivety. The real reason was never that pure or devoted.
But you were fourteen; what could be expected of you?
Your reasons were nuanced, and your reasoning too. Part of you wanted to rebel, to not conform to the idea of being a simple girl who helped her parents at the family business, even if it was not a bad path to follow. You wanted to be strong in a way no one expected, that no one wanted for you.
Fuck tradition and everything that meant holding you back.
The other part of you was less revolutionary. You wanted to follow Hoshina everywhere he went. A few years after you realised that the romantic love that had blossomed during your early teenage years, the thought of parting was intolerable. Having spent almost every awake moment together during the last nine years, you couldn’t envision yourself in any other place that wasn’t behind Hoshina. That was your rightful place.
It was imperative for you to join if he was going to.
“I’m gonna have to agree with yer parents, (Y/N).” Hoshina crossed his arms. “You have a bright future at kendo. Yer even better than Soichiro or me.” He thought about his next words. “Us, the Hoshinas, we’ve always been made for battle. To fight kaiju. It’s in our blood and in the way of our sword. You ain’t bound by the same expectations. You can be a great kendoka, the best one, if you put yer mind into it”.
You shook your head. “That’s not entirely correct. I’m not a Hoshina, but I am a (L/N), and my people still expect things from me. They want me to stay, settle down, and take care of the family business. Even allowin’ me to compete and carry our sword style is out of the norm for someone like me in this clan.” The word woman hung heavy in the air, unable to be spoken by either of you. You paused to look up at the faint stars in the clear winter sky. “I’m not bound by the same standards as ya, so I wanna be able to carve my own path. Do ya get it now?”
Hoshina’s ruby eyes looked darker under the night sky. “I understand. Or at least I think so. Ya’ve supported me in my wish to join the Defense Force, so I’ll have to do the same, won’t I?”
You turned to look at him. At that moment, a chilly breeze fluttered through the dimly lit porch. Hoshina appeared like a heavenly figure, covered in moonlight and your devotion for him.
“Yup,” you popped your p to hide the slight tremble of your voice. “That’s basically yer duty as my best friend. Listen and don’t judge.”
Hoshina gave you a stank look. “Oh hell nah! I’ll definitely be judgin’ yer stupid-ass decisions when I become yer superior. Fifty push-ups for every mistake, so you can wise up!”
“Huh?! My superior? And who the fuck thinks they’ll let a scrawny ass brat like ya ascend rank?”
The winter wind carried your voices for the rest of the night. Or at least until one of the servants dragged you inside by the ears. Yet, your resolution had been proclaimed to the universe, and very soon to those you would have to challenge in order to achieve it, thus sealing it for the rest of your days.
next chapter ➢
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