#kaider

“It is cameras on in 110 minutes and you are wearing a cream cheongsam! Your hair is blown out!” Called Iko, “Forget it. I am going to go to the press room, you better be there soon!”

Rolling her eyes, Cinder left her behind and flashed her wrist at the ID scanner for the maintenance wing. The serenity of the outer palace gave way to the hubbub of the guts that ran it. Serv Droids and servants clattered through the rooms bearing fresh linens, carts of food and a million ports in a symphony of productivity.

It had taken her all of two weeks to get access to the area and another two weeks after to become such a permanent fixture that no one spared her a second glance.

Tucked away in the back was the oddest room of the palace. A gorgeous bamboo panelled room with wide windows, delicate coloured walls and rows of messy work benches dedicated to maintaining the hundred of androids that made the palace tick. With her stunning white cheongsam and metal plating, Cinder fit right in.

Kai was convinced that the only reason that the Royal Mechanics did not resent her for her tendency to fix any android in her vicinity was that she was more efficient than a lightning strike. (Unlike he had been with his attempts to help out in the library as a teenager, he admitted somewhat sheepishly)

No, the people in the shop seemed more than happy to have her and head supervisor Leung had even begun to page her for any open tasks at the end of the workday. Just for her to take a stab at in the night if she wanted. No pressure. For her part, Cinder relished the change of pace.

So, Cinder was completely at ease walking into the room - filled with more crates than was usual - until she caught sight of Supervisor Leung signing a port held by a shockingly familiar face.

————-

11th July 125 TE

“Delivery for Linh Cinder”

Cinder looked up from the arm of the escort droid she was fixing up. A curly-haired delivery boy was standing at her shopfront, a teetering cart of supply boxes behind him. The scruffy exteriors clearly marked the boxes as belonging to her equally scruffy shop. Placing her screwdriver down, she made her way to the front of her booth to sign for the shipment. “Are you from Nguyen Hardware?”

“That’s right - I’m the new delivery driver Surya. Surya Krishnan.” Brown skinned and tall, she guessed he was around twenty-twenty two. “Is your boss around,” he asked, “I need a signature from Linh Cinder.”

Her internal tally of are-you-really-linh-cinder ticked up as she sighed and held out her hand. “I am Linh Cinder.”

“Ahh.” Instead of handing her the port screen, the delivery boy - Surya, she remembered - took her gloved hand and shook it with a wide grin. “Nice to meet you Linh Jie.”

Cinder blinked twice, once for the handshake and once for the honorific. She wasn’t used to the respectful tone or the openness of the smile he was giving. A pit formed in her stomach and a warning for an increase in her heart rate popped in the corner of her eye. The prosthetic felt oddly heavy on her wrist as he shook it. Had she not eaten that day?

“Likewise,” she said gingerly, drawing her hand back before he noticed it was stiff metal. She looked over his (broad, she noted for some reason) shoulder at the boxes behind him. “Have you got the magnetic bearings? Nguyen Laoban had mentioned that they were low in stock.”

“He made sure you got your order in first,” he grinned impossibly wider, “Being our most prolific customer and all.”

Cinder nodded tightly, still weirded out by the rapidness of her heart beat. She took the port screen from him and signed rapidly. “Could you unload them out back? Near the shelf with the power tools.”

“Of course Linh Jie,”

Cinder stepped back and watched as he dragged carried the supplies in. Her eyes rested on the brown skin of his forearm for a touch too long before she realised what she was doing. Fidgeting with her glove, she stared outside her booth and tried to ignore the temperature warnings popping up in her retina.

What was wrong with her?

It was only when Surya turned to take his leave and the sun caught his curly hair and his bright smile widened that Cinder realised.

Cute, her mind automatically supplied.

Oh.

Oh.

How fifteen of her.

————-

Surya was nice to her every single time he came to deliver parts to her, always smiling wide. He would chat a little about work and films and ball games. His night college courses. His siblings. She learned that he was twenty one and one of four siblings and he liked gaming. He talked a lot. Cinder was not quite used to it.

She would respond the best she could, telling him about her work and Peony. Casual conversation was a novelty. If Iko noticed her wiping her face before deliveries were due, she never said anything.

He was just a very friendly person, she concluded, watching covertly as he visited other booths around her after supplying her latest parts order. Always grinning and chatting. She often wanted to talk a bit more to him - ask him about the business degree at the night school, ask him if he liked the same rock bands as her, ask him if he remembered her as anything but a regular customer - but the words jammed in her throat each time.

He was just friendly by nature. That was all.

Then, one day, she found herself working on a droid with her hair loose on her shoulders. Peony had once said it looked nicer that way and maybe she was just feeling oddly fanciful that day. The delivery was due any moment and so what if she had just cleaned her face? It didn’t mean anything.

Only, safety regulations warned against open hair for a reason and she soon found her hair stuck in the limb hinge. In her painful tugs to break free, she did not notice a presence until a warm pair of hands stilled her shoulders. The gentle pressure quickened her heart.

“Hey. Hey. Calm down.” The heat of the slender fingers on her shoulders was burning. Why had she chosen to wear a sleeveless top that day? Thank the stars that she had chosen to wear a sleeveless top that day. “Struggling makes it worse,” said Surya, “Hold still, I’ll get you out.”

Cinder obeyed, frozen, as surprisingly nimble fingers made quick work of the tangle.

“There are safety regulations, you know?” Surya’s voice was light and teasing as he finally freed her but it felt like a stab of embarrassment to Cinder.

“My hair tie snapped,” she mumbled, glad her lie detector never flashed for herself. “Thank you.”

“Thank stars you weren’t working on a motor-“

Her heart lurched. Could he mean..

“- we would hate to lose our best customer.”

Cinder bit her lip, shoulders sagging. Surya must have taken it as her relaxing because he grinned and said, “Think you can add in a tip for your delivery boy for saving your life?”

“This isn’t America,” Cinder mumbled. “And I know Nguyen Laoban would be heartbroken if you lost me as a customer.”

“All truths.”

Packing up the shop two weeks later after the next parts delivery, Cinder found a pack of bright yellow hair ties resting on her table.

Oh. That was nice of him.

It was a moment of pure girlishness that made her loosen her hair and retie it with one of her new rubber bands. They were so cute, cuter than the black ones she usually bought at the discount store.

A bubble of giddiness followed her home, a song at her lips from the shop to the apartment. She was still humming when she went to bathe, even the prospect of the cold water not enough to upset her.

And then, while filling the bucket with the icy water, her eye had caught the dull reflection of her limp ponytail in the corroded plating of her hand, the yellow hair tie a joke against the grease and dirt and rust.

Ridiculous.

Stars knew that nothing was going to come of this. It was not as if he would like her if he knew she was a cyborg. He seemed nice and polite but politeness and niceness meant nothing. Who was she to like anyone? She was acting like Peony of all people, mooning over a boy.

At least, she consoled herself, she wasn’t ridiculously in love with the prince like her sister. Now that would have been a pipe dream.

The next time he came for a delivery, she did not bother wiping her face. Her usual black hair tie held back her hair. She buried the twinge in her stomach when he smiled. She replied stiffly at all his attempts to talk to her. Who knew if he even noticed her demeanour change.

It took a few months but the twist in her stomach got looser and looser every time. By August of the next year, he was just a friendly face.

_______

“Krishnan Jun?”

Cinder halted, the android she was dragging behind her skittering to a stop. It was him. He looked pretty much the same, a little older and a little broader. Hair still curly, smile still wide, eyes wide with recognition.

A grin spread across her face before she knew it. “It has been a long time,” she said, rushing forward, “How have you been?”

Her days in the market seemed a lifetime away, memories of a very different girl. Usually reminders of that time made her either hollow at the memory of Adri or sadden at the thought of Peony. This casual happiness was unusual to her.

Surya seemed startled that she recognised him but recovered quickly. “Linh Jie - Your Majes - Ambassador Linh Blackburn! I am surprised that you remember me.”

“Of course I do!” Cinder beamed, thrusting her hand forward for a handshake. “We worked together for so long. You made the deliveries for nearly all of my parts!”

Supervisor Leung was looking between them with a curious look in his eyes. The other mechanics too were turned to them. Surya chuckled nervously before taking her metal hand gingerly to shake. Cinder paused in her rush.

Right.

Metal hand. Had he known she was a cyborg in the before? She could not remember. He must not have. He had been nice to her, hadn’t he? He could not have known. It must be uncomfortable for him now.

Not even to mention the part about being Lunar Royalty with fearsome mind powers who was secretly engaged to his monarch.

Yeah.

Sometimes she forgot that she was Selene Blackburn, saviour of Earth and former Queen, a designation that seemed to intimidate just about anyone. While she remembered him as the same person as always, to him she had undergone an impossible transformation from an awkward mechanic to the most notorious person in the world.

It was a bit much, she knew it. But stars, it was so wonderful to meet someone who knew her from her old life that didn’t absolutely detest her. Presumably.

“Are you doing well,” she asked, trying to put in as much warmth and familiarity as she could, “Are you still with Nguyen Laoban?”

Surya seemed to blink away a daze. “Ah. No. I started my own shop with one of the other guys after Nguyen Shifu retired. None of the kids wanted to take over so we managed to buy most of his inventory.” He puffed his chest a little at this. “We just got a contract for the Palace’s rotor supply.”

“Krishnan Jun runs a solid supply business,” said supervisor Leung, “We are excited to work with him. It is good to have your word of approval too, Ambassador.”

“Oh! A palace contract is a very big deal! Congratulations!”

“Thank you, Linh J- Ambassador.”

She grinned, about to ask him (perhaps uselessly) to just call her Cinder when the door zipped open.

“Cin? Love, are you here? Iko and Torin sent me to fetch you.”

Cinder scoffed inside at the familiar voice behind her. Some secret engagement they had when Kai could not stop the informal talk for more than three minutes. She turned to him to respond but she found her lips already tipping up without her permission as she took in his freshly cut hair and navy suit. Damn him for being so distracting.

“Still have thirty minutes left,” she said, “Come here, want you to meet Krishnan Jun - he used to handle all of the deliveries to my booth back in the day.”

If Surya was surprised by her informal tone with the Emperor, he did not let it show. Everyone else around had long become accustomed to them.

Kai made his way over with his beatific Emperor smile. “Supervisor Leung, I am sorry to disturb your peace again. It is a delight to meet you, Krishnan Jun.”

“Your Majesty!” He sank into a low bow. “The honour is all mine.”

“Krishnan Jun is a supplier for the palace now,” she said, “Stars. The world is a small place.”

“Ah - Thank you very much then Krishnan Jun, I am indebted to all who play a role in keeping this palace alive. Have you been in this business long?”

“Not long, Your Majesty. We have been lucky with bagging our orders.”

“He exaggerates his luck, Your Majesty.” Supervisor Leung said. “We have had rave recommendations.”

“I trust you with the best decision, Supervisor.” His polite voice transformed when he turned to her. “Think you’ll be done in 20? Torin’ll have my head if you’re late.”

“I just need to replace her optosensor.” Cinder tucked back her hair, annoyingly bouncy after Iko had gone overenthusiastic with the roller brush that morning.

“What does that mean?”

“It should be quick,” supplied Surya, “Especially if the socket is not fried.”

“No - I think one of the leads came loose. It should be a simple replacement.”

“Is it an RX7490? Because that entire line had a lot of manufacturing defects. We have been recommending using the older RX7400 sensor line until the RX7550 comes along this November.”

“It is! You know, I did read something about a recall sometime last month.” Cinder mused. “I am not sure if we have any RX7400 on hand, do we Supervisor Leung?”

“Krishnan Jun just brought us some!”

“Oh. Perfect. I’ll pull up their spec sheet.” Cinder grinned. “It should be plug and play anyway.”

“Love, you’re sure -“

“I’ll be quick. Promise,” she said emphatically, pushing back another errant strand of hair, “I am going to be done in 15.”

“Hopefully you have a hair tie this time.”

Cinder flitted her eyes away from Kai to Surya who now wore a wide eyed expression that suggested that he could not believe what he himself had blurted out.

“Because of - because of the -“ He gestured vaguely at his head.

Her mind raced as she tried to figure out what he meant before it finally struck her. The open hair. The bot. The hair ties.

“Ah. That time.” Cinder chuckled weakly, already replaying the rather humiliating moment. “You remember that.”

“It had been a bit unexpected for you. You are usually very thorough.”

Kai was quizzical. “Why? What did you do?”

Cinder turned her gaze back to him, dreading the fuss he would make. “I was - um - I was working on a droid once with my hai - my hair and it got - um - caught. Snagged. Luckily, Krishnan Jun helped me.”

“You were working with your hair open?” Kai’s voice was sharp. “Cin, you could’ve been hurt.”

“It was fine! Really. Krishnan Jun, please tell him.”

“It was a pretty risky thing..”

Cinder gaped at the betrayal as Kai placed his hands on his hips, attention fully on her. “Why’d you even have your hair open? It’s dangerous.”

If she could blush, she would have. Eyes darting to Surya, she mumbled, “I don’t remember.”

Kai narrowed his gaze and she blustered, all too aware of the entire room watching him fuss over her, “It was one time! I always pull my hair back. You know this!”

“Where’s your hair tie now?”

Cinder paused. Of all the days to forget..

“Unbelievable,” he muttered, hand sneaking into the pocket of his suit. “Really.”

He opened his fist to reveal one of her hair clips, the golden one Kai had gotten her a handful of spares of. Cinder liked that one, it held her hair back without tugging at her scalp or inviting Iko’s grumbling. And maybe she thought it was pretty…

“Do you just casually carry these around?” Cinder muttered, pulling her hair back and grabbing the claw to secure it. She was no hairstylist but even she could not mess this up. “Happy? I will be safe when I unplug a chip now.”

“Peachy. I’m gonna to try stall Torin for you.” He turned back to Surya and Supervisor Leung, voice dignified again, “I must apologise Krishnan Jun, I have to leave just as we have met. I do hope that we cross paths again. Please give your husband my best regards, Supervisor Leung.” He turned to her. “Remember. Twenty minutes.”

“Honestly,” she grumbled as he walked away. What a weird man. Turning back to her company, she nodded into a short bow. “I must finish up too. We have a press conference.”

“You could always file a ticket, you know?” Supervisor Leung grinned. “We’ve shown you how.”

“Too many boxes.” Cinder turned to Surya with a bright grin. “It really was wonderful to see you again.”

The smile she got was finally the sunny one she remembered. “Likewise, Linh Jie.”

“Then,” she nodded again and made for the bench in the back of the room. “Until next time.”

“Until next time.”

——————-

The press conference went well, all things considered.

Only two mildly ableist remarks about the initiative for Employment Reform for Cyborgs and over a dozen positive and insightful questions. Even her self-tied hair passed Iko’s judgemental eye. Overall, she was quite relaxed as she leaned against the elevator walls up to his chambers.

“What do you think about cold soba for dinner? Cinder tapped the walls idly. “Or maybenaengmyeon? I just feel like eating something cold today.”

It was a Thursday and so it was their night to cook dinner for their standing date in the balcony of his rooms. They had started the tradition over a year ago after seeing Scarlet and Wolf laugh like children while preparing a simple pot roast. It had been their yearly reunion trip to Rieux and Cinder had been struck by the fact that the only activities she and Kai really did together were, well, work. Since then, it was decided. Thursday dinners and Saturday lunches had to be made by them.

“.. or maybe we could pick up some cold cuts and pate for a bahn mi…” Cinder paused in her musings. Kai was uncharacteristically quiet beside her, gaze fixed on the floor. “Kai?”

“Naengmyeon sounds good.”

Cinder frowned. Was his tone… petulant?

She eyed him more carefully, taking in the embarrassed flush of his ears, his foot tapping on the marble floor of the elevator and the tight set of his jaw.

Stars.

“Are you sulking?”

“No” Kai protested. “Maybe,” he relented.

Startled, she let out a soft laugh at his cute pout. “Whatever for?”

He picked at the elevator railing. “You left your hair loose to look pretty.”

“My hair is tied up -“ Her eyes widened and an embarrassed denial left her lips. “No! Why would I - Why - How did you - Stars, how did you even get there?”

“I know you,” he grumbled, “You got that look on your face earlier. Same as when you sneak a bite of the good Artemisian chocolate without me.”

Cinder blinked as the elevator doors opened and Kai strode out. Heels clacking, she followed him into the long corridor to his rooms. “You concluded that I wanted to look pretty from that?”

“I told you. I know you.” Kai grumbled again, opening the door for her.

Cinder stepped inside and Kai closed the door behind them, slipping off his navy suit jacket and draping it over the entrance foyer. “What conclusion,” she called as he headed for his closet.

Even if most of her clothes were there, she still thought of it as his. Those grand rooms were not something she saw as theirs yet. Propriety meant that she technically had her own - much simpler - rooms in a whole another wing but she had only slept there once - the time when he had the flu and she had a visit to a Children’s Hospital lined up. They really served more as an oversized closet for Iko.

“You had a crush on him,” he mumbled, “Didn’t you?”

Cinder burst out laughing. Stars, he was adorable like this. She skittered across the room behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist, chin resting on his shoulder blade as she waddled with him to the closet. “Are you jealous?”

“..Maybe?”

“We’re engaged!” Cinder hooked her chin on his shoulder and wiggled her finger before him even if the sparking stone was currently tucked away safely in her calf compartment. “You’re seriously jealous?”

“He knew how to change an ophthalmosensor! I don’t even know what that is.”

“It’s his job! And um -“ She knew she ought to keep mum but she couldn’t help herself. “It is an optosensor.” She cut in before he could speak. “Kai. Come on. Why are you jealous?”

He took her hand in his and pulled, steady hands guiding her to stand before him. There was something insecure in his eyes that made her pause her playful demeanour. This was not just playful petulance. “Kai?”

“You,” he said, clasping her hands tight, “Sometimes I wonder if you could have been happier in a life without me.”

“Kai-“

“- without all of the media and the press and the documents and - and the hair styles. Just. You and your machines and somebody who knows what an optosensor is.”

His fingers held her tightly as if he was terrified that she would pull away. The doubt in his eyes broke her heart.

“Kai - Love, I was never going to get a quiet life. I am literally a former Queen. I - They have action figures of me. And statues.” She gripped her fingers equally tight. “And I want this, Kai. I really do.”

“You always say your head’s quiet when you work on a machine. I - I sometimes wonder if I am tying you down to a role you don’t want. I know you love me but I don’t know if- if-“

“If?”

“I don’t know if I could ever give you the life that makes you happy.”

The defeat in his tone made her crumble. It was true that life with him would never give her the freedom that she craved. She would never be an anonymous face in a milling crowd. She would never travel the world on her own adventure.

When she had been sixteen, her best hope for a better life had been a mechanic’s shop in a quiet town where no one knew her. After work ended, she would come home to make her dinner, something simple but hearty, something she would eat till she was full. She would then eat in a small room with a single chair at the dining table. Lying in bed alone, she would doze off easily from the day’s labour. The next day, she would repeat it all. Even in her fantasies she had never imagined companionship.

This life must have felt like a delirium to that girl. The fact that she chose it even more so.

Cinder tilted her head. “The life I want is the one with you. I want to wake up with you. I want to sit in press conferences with you. I want to cook Thursday dinners and go for our morning runs and - and - I want to have your babies!”

Kai let out a weak chuckle at that. “You want to have my babies?”

Cinder did not allow herself be embarrassed about her admission. “Yes. At least three. And-“ She swallowed, unsure if her words would cement her churning thoughts incorrectly. “Kai. I want to be by your side. I want to better this nation, this world. I - I haven’t been a sixteen year old mechanic for a long, long time. There is so much more that I want to do and I want to do it as your Empress.”

Kai let out a shaky breath before wrapping her up in his arms. As he squeezed her tight, Cinder breathed in deep, catching his soapy cologne and the fainter, familiar note of his skin. “I know. Stars, I know. Sometimes I just..”

“Spiral for no good reason?”

His chuckle rumbled against her. “Exactly.”

“I love you.” She pulled back and pecked his cheek, glad to feel it rising into a smile against her lips. “Even when you accuse me of sneaking the chocolate.”

The force of his laugh made her shake. “Then don’t sneak it.”

“I do not sneak!” Cinder scoffed. “I just really wanted to eat one the exact moment that you were in the shower.”

“You know, I bet you would never have done this with your real first love.”

“What first- Stars, it was just a crush,” she mumbled, burying her face back into his chest, “And seriously. Did you really get all that from a single look?”

“I am observant… And maybe Iko mentioned something when grilling me about which of my past tabloid link ups was real.”

Groaning, Cinder made to pull away but Kai didn’t relent, pressing her closer even as she muttered, “Hypocrite.“

“He seemed nice. A bit old for you.”

“Not like I met many boys my age.” Cinder groaned. “He was nice. I liked his smile.”

“Is that how I got lucky with you?”

“Partially.”

“Partially?” His tone was indignant but his lips were smiling as he pecked her cheek. “And here I thought it was my persistence.”

“Maybe a little,” she chuckled, “Maybe a lot.”

He placed a loud, smacking kiss on her laughing mouth, teeth clashing and lipstick smudging. “Let’s get started on making dinner?”

Cinder hummed, extracting herself from his arms to get changed into her comfy clothes that just lived in the closet of the imperial suite. Kai had turned away to do the same and maybe Cinder snuck a few glances as he shed the rest of his suit and slipped on his ridiculously luxurious pajamas. It was a nice back. Who could blame her?

“Naengmyeon, right?” She asked, reaching for her hair clip at last, “I’ll go boil the eggs first.”

“Sure,” he said and held his hands out, “That’s mine.”

Cinder paused. “My.. hair clip?”

“Yes.”

“O-kay.” She narrowed her eyes at him again but handed him the clip anyway. He stalked right over to his suit for the next day and tucked it inside. “Do you do this everyday?”

“Yes.”

What a weird man.

“Why?”

“Torin got annoyed with me wearing your rubber bands on my wrist.”

“Then why the clip?”

“Iko got concerned about you developing traction alopecia because of the rubber bands.”

Cinder snorted hard. She had been on a hair tie ban for three months after Iko discovered some breakage at her left temple from wearing the hair tie in the mechanics shop. The hair clips had been a compromise, a compromise that she quite enjoyed. “I am surrounded by madmen obsessed with my hair ties.”

“You know, say what you want, I’m the only boy to buy you pretty things for your hair.”

Cinder paused and stood stock still, saying nothing.

“Cinder?”

“I - I should go boil the eggs.”

She scowled in return. “Don’t call me that.” She grumbled as she wobbled to him. Thorne stole the nickname from Jacin, who dubbed her that last year when Iko made her walk around campus with a plastic tiara after losing a bet. Unfortunately, it stuck around.

“Hey, watch that attitude. You called me here, ‘member?” He rolled his eyes.

Cinder caught a whiff of an unpleasant smell she thought they left behind. “Are you smoking?”

He huffed out a small puff of grey air. “The house had some extra, and I wanted to release some steam. I can tell you need one too.” He replied, not waiting for a rebuttal.

Although cigarettes made her cringe, she couldn’t deny his accurate inference. After a moment’s hesitation, she sat down and lifted her palm up expectantly. He took one from the Marlboro box on the ground and gave it to her.

A breeze tickled her bare shoulders. She cursed. “It’s cold tonight.” Maybe she should’ve not worn a tank top. 

Beside her, Thorne chuckled. “Here, take my jacket. I’m starting to sweat.”

Cinder opened her mouth to protest, but he was already shrugging the big leather garment off and placing it over her back, cigarette poking out from the corner of his mouth. She could only thank him.

Whenever she thought about her closest friends, Iko was no longer the sole face that popped up. The blue-haired girl now shared a seat with Carswell Thorne. He became her confidante, advisor, and occasional person to do reckless things with. With Iko at sorority events, Cinder got even closer to the rogue. Even though he too was involved with Greek life, he skipped them often and never faced any consequences. They’ve grown considerably comfortable around each other. Comfortable enough to randomly appear in his room and ask to sleep in his bed when she was too lazy to clean her sheets. Comfortable enough for him to show up at her dorm and for none of her suitemates to be bothered. Comfortable enough to doze off on each other’s side after studying for midterms. From the moment they met, they had an instant connection, a connection that had lasted for almost three years. 

Thorne laid back on his palms, staring at the sky. “Ok, what’s up?”

She did the opposite; she leaned forward and hugged her knees to her chest. “Couldn’t I just call you here because I wanted to see you?”

“Ha! That’s sweet. I appreciate your obvious adoration towards me, but we both know that’s not why you called me.” Silence followed. “This is about my roommate, right?”

Cinder huffed and dug her head into her forearms. 

“I’ll take that as a yes.” He sighed and blew out his cigarette again.

“I just don’t know what to do.” She confessed, her voice half muffled. “You don’t know what he said last night.”

“I don’t. He was already in bed when I got home last night and dead asleep when I left this morning. He only gets like this when he’s severely hungover. How much did he drink, Cinder?” 

“A lot. I mean, enough to make him bad off, which is not much compared to you,” she joked.

“What did he tell you?” He asked bluntly.

She recalled the fuzzy memory from last night. His closeness. His sparkling copper eyes. The genuine but heartbreaking tone of his voice. “That he only dated Jade because she reminds him of me.”

Cinder refused to move her gaze from her beat-up Converse. The corner of the white tip was starting to bend upwards. 

“Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.” Thorne sat up, covering his face with his hands. “To be fair, I don’t think Kai knows that when he’s sober.”

“A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.” Cinder mumbled. She didn’t want to think about it, not really. She came here to escape, not to wallow. The small white object twisted around her fingers.

“I always hated that saying. It’s not true. Do you know how many things I say to girls when I black out?”

“I don’t want to know.” She grunted. “It’s true this time, though?”

“Yeah, everyone knows that Jade hates you because you’re gonna take Kai away from her one day.” He noted.

She finally raised her head and glared at him.

“What? We all know this.” Thorne chuckled. “I think most of their arguments are about you.”

She groaned. “I think I want your lighter now.”

He sighed. “It’s so farrrr.” He then perked up and got close to her. “Put it in your mouth.”

Cinder raised an eyebrow, but obeyed nevertheless. He put his own cigarette in his mouth and leaned in so close she thought he was going to kiss her. She nearly jolted back before she realized his goal. He touched the tips of the tobacco-filled paper, using his already burning end to light hers. 

The closeness and intimacy of the action made her heart race, just ever so slightly. He stayed there for a few seconds, making contact with her own widened eyes. She tried not to breathe as his gaze gradually intensified. Or move. They’d been much closer with each other before; however, this felt… different. Weird. In neither a good nor a bad way. Just… weird. 

Once her end was lit, he pulled away, leaning on one hand while the other rested on his propped-up knee. He didn’t stray too far, though, and remained close. Cinder blinked the tension away from her mind and focused on her cigarette. 

“So, will you?” Thorne asked, still looking at her.

She coughed. It’s been a minute since she smoked. “Will I what?”

“Take Kai away from Jade?”

“No! I’m not a homewrecker!” She rubbed her face with her fingers.

“Well…” Thorne responded in a high-pitched voice. “He kind of did confess his love for you.”

“He never said he loved me. Whatever crush he seems to have will pass– I’m sure it will.” 

“Has yours passed?”

“That’s assuming I ever had one.”

“Well…”

She yanked a piece of his short brown hair. He cried out, flinching. “I don’t!”

“Cinder–! Damnit.” He caught her wrist before she could make another move. She moved to her knees trying to pull away, but he only tightened his grip. She was essentially kneeling in front of his slouched body. “That– that huuuuuurt.”

Cinder paused, cocking her head. Something about the tone of his voice, the slight slur, and demeanor of his movements wasn’t right. Oh stars, she had been too wrapped up in herself to notice Thorne’s state. “Are you drunk?”

His head, that was previously hung in mock pain, slowly lifted. A slowly increasing smile revealed the truth. “No…”

“Carswell, I’m not going to thug this out with you if you’re not with me.”

His tone grew serious. “Seriously I’m not. I only had a few shots before I got here–”

“A few?!”

“But it was at the house, so if anything, I’m tipsy. Definitely not drunk.” He chuckled.

She bit the inside of her cheek, contemplating. “Ok…”

With his free hand, he smoked his cigarette again. She did the same. He still refused to let go. “What do you feel when you see him?” He asked.

She blinked, looking down at her knees. Emotions she tried to push back threatened to break the vault she so laboriously created. Copper eyes and perfect smiles greeted her imagination. Giggles and complaints. A brush of the hand, a stolen glance, and sarcastic comment. Really, there was so much she could dwell on but refused to. He was a great friend, he couldn’t be anything more. Ever. Right?

“I… Don’t know.”

“So, not nothing.” He chuckled dryly.

She copied him. “No, not nothing.” Why was he still holding her hand? 

Another puff of smoke. “You love him.”

Cinder flinched, looking up. “No, it’s not that.”

“You do. It’s evident on your face. You love the kid.” He rolled his eyes. “You’ve known longer than I have, sweetheart. You just refuse to admit it.”

They stared at each other for a long time. Then, something sparked in his eye, like an idea. He got closer. Cinder didn’t move. He dug the bud on the concrete floor.

The silence brought her to submission. “Maybe you're right.” She whispered. He finally let go of her arm to throw away the bud from the other. Sitting up, they were now eye-level to each other. Cinder kneeling and Thorne comfortable in front of her. 

“I am right.” He smiled again, leaning even closer. What was he planning to do?

“What do I do?” She asked, like a plea for help. Like she was barely hanging on a broken raft at sea and he was a captain of a mighty ship, promising safety.

“I can tell you, but you won’t like it.” She could smell the alcohol and smoke on his lips, dangerously close to hers. Still, she didn't think much of it—only that she needed an answer. Or rather, she needed a distraction to cover up the turbulence brewing in her mind. 

“Tell me.” 

He chuckled again. She started to feel slightly intoxicated herself. “You have to tell this-” He tapped his index finger to her temple, “-to let this out-” he slowly dragged it down to her rapidly beating chest, “so you can use this-” his finger carved its way up her neck to her mouth, slightly opening it, “to get what you want.” He then cupped her cheek, replacing his index with his thumb.

“Let my heart out, huh?”

“Now, you’re getting it, honey. Let go.” He kept smiling—his gaze moving between her lips and her eyes while hers remained fixed.

“What are you doing?” She asked, utterly perplexed. He was confusing her even more. First, he tells her that she’s in love with Kai and now he’s holding her face like wanted to kiss her. 

“I don’t know, this feels right.” He hummed. Then—oh stars, he started to lean in.

She froze instead of stopping him, missing the opportunity to push him away before he pressed his lips to hers. Let go. 

She didn’t know what exactly possessed her, but the vault she tried so hard to keep closed suddenly broke open, everything flooding out like a dam breach. Her eyes shut closed as her mind wandered, and her senses took over.

Cinder kissed him back. She clutched at his hair like it was a lifeline and he responded almost immediately. His fingers rolled circles on her neck while his other one roamed free around her back. She bit back a moan when he found her hair. Suddenly, she was sitting on his lap, practically straddling him, wrapped up all over each other. He pulled his jacket off her shoulder and teased his hands under her tank-top.

Then, the strangest thing that has ever happened to her began. It was like she was suddenly yanked out of this universe and into the galaxy within her own brain. Thoughts assaulted her with metal baseball bats. The pelts almost felt painful physically.

As her fingers coursed through rough hair, she couldn’t help but imagine them much softer– silklike, even. The hands groping her were not rough but gentle and patient. The grunts she heard beneath her weren’t deep and growl-like, but patient and low. Even the lips she seemed infatuated with felt fuller and less-hungry.

She heard the same voice over and over in heard, swirling around her like she was caught in the middle of a school of fish. Or a flock of birds. Her eyes grew sore because of how tight she was squeezing them, trying to get the buzz out of her head. It was sweet, kind, and beautiful. Forgiving. Good stars, he had a girlfriend! Kind of! He shouldn’t say those kinds of words to someone who’s loved him forever. Who he possibly loved back. Right? Right?!

I always wanted you.

With a cry, she pulled away, about to accuse Kai of messing her up and throwing her off her rocker, when she realized that the startled eyes staring back at her weren’t the warm copper she expected—but harsh blue.

She gasped, suddenly remembering where she was and what she just did. “No, no, no, no, no–” She mumbled, pulling away from Thorne.

“Cinder, wait! I wasn’t thinking straight–” He tried to grab her but she jerked away.

Standing up, she tidied herself up, including fixing her top he was trying to take off. She quickly grabbed her phone and moved to make a quick escape when he begged her to wait once again.

“Just shut the fuck up!” She screamed. “I don’t want to see you! Leave me alone!” Tears sprung to her eyes, but she knew it wasn't from Thorne alone. 

“Wait!” Thorne followed her down the wall. “Cinder, please!”

Once she successfully landed on the metal platform below her, she paused and looked above. Thorne was leaning over the brick ledge with his hand stretched out, the same one that attempted to remove her bra not even ten minutes ago. “What?” 

He stuttered, searching for words. “What does this mean?”

She started, not expecting that. “Nothing, Thorne.” She tried to ignore how mean she sounded by ducking inside the door and away from her best friend.

So she did love Kai. And she found that out by kissing his roommate.

A/N: YAY! She finally posted it, after promising to do that for months. Sheesh, I hope she continues to update every Tuesday like she said she was.