#kaidanmod

Some valentines I did for the special day. I know I’m a couple days late but school and D&D stole my attention and I have to sleep sometime 😂

Most of these character belong to @myosotis-veille with the exception of:

Kaidan who belongs to Livtempleton

Lucien who belongs to @josephrussellauthor

And Inigo who belongs to Smartbluecat

Check out these follower mods, they’re all available in SE and LE and they’re great.

“We should probably make camp here,” Kaidan’s voice cut through the piercing win, obtaining the glances of the three companions with him, including my own.

With a smile, and a nervous tug of my hood, I agreed. “Yes, you’re right.” He usually was when it came to outdoor stuff. In all honestly, I trusted his instincts more than my own when it came to this stuff. “Shall we find shelter in a cave?”

There was a silent nod, a hint of something troubling on his mind and we all silently lumbered to whatever nearby cave we had found. The fire took some stoking, but Strom was able to get it started and they each sat bundled in their own little blankets. Meanwhile my eyes were on Kaidan.

He wasn’t shivering, but he seemed so lonely and distant. Just like her, my hand hugs the amulet of Mythal around my neck, trying to remember the warmth of my mother’s arms around me. I wanted to comfort him, that’s what my honest wish was but deep down something stopped me. A fear, or a doubt, I wasn’t quite sure just what but something anchored me down. Right before my eyes, someone I cared about was suffering and my words were leaving me.

Distracted by this conundrum, I didn’t even notice that Kaidan was looking right at me. “Oi, Ren!” I still didn’t hear him, I didn’t notice anything until he suddenly grabbed my wrist and stopped me from rubbing my palms. “You really shouldn’t do that,” his touch was gentle and my heart soared in different ways. In conflicting ways. My body and mind screamed ‘Bad touch!’ The memories of the thalmor slavers tearing him away, abusing him and ripping his skin apart.

Words tried to leave me, tangled and scrambled a sound of a stuttering idiot. I look into his red eyes, to try and find myself and all I see his him. They look through me, into me, sharp and piercing. Gods, he so handsome. I want him to stop looking at me but only look at me, it’s conflicting. “I apologize.” That’s all that left me as his hands looked over the palm I was rubbing, his gloved rough as it went over the pale thin scar on my right hand. His eyes follow it, soft and caring. My body moves and I don’t know why I poked at the little fold in between his eyebrows. He looks at me and I can’t help but smile at him. “You’ll get wrinkles if you frown so much,”

“Heh, you were the one rubbing your palms like a bloody maniac.” While his words seemed harsh, I could feel the warmth in them. “Now tell me, what’s bothering you?”

A smile pulls on the corner of my lips and I let out a short giggle. “I was wondering the same thing for you.” My eyes watch him. I want to learn everything about Kaidan, I want to know what his quirks were, how to read him, every little thing so I could help him better. Yet, his expression always made my grasp seem out of reach. He was so masked and mysterious, I was just an open book.

“Is it the storm?” There was no reason for me to wonder if it was the weather, I just asked and it felt like the right way to go. If this were a book it might have been a new chapter. One chapter stops at the question, the next ist the answer. His hand leaves mine, eyes tearing away but I still watched. He’s not going to talk that easily, I claimed to myself silently, moving my eyes away. As I looked down at my hands, I remember Brynjar and how Kaidan spoke of him.

He didn’t seem to be like a father figure, but I could sense the immense respect Kaidan had for the man. Even if Brynjar did things I would never expect a parent or guardian to do, he had taught Kaidan many things and led the red eyed male to becoming the person he was. I also knew that he was no longer a physical part of this world. “Hey, Kaidan?” My only answer was a low hum. It was an answer at least. “Can I ask you how Brynjar died?”

No answer. Not for a minute or so and I thought I stepped on his toes. Why was it so damn hard? I just wanted to know more about him, to understand how or why he does the things he do or says the things he says. He was a curiosity that I couldn’t seem to pull myself away from, an interest that seemed to have no bottom and I loved it. I loved everything about him and it felt right and wrong. Everytime I talked to him, it felt so easy and terrifying, the more my feelings grew, the more the terror haunted my dreams. A feeling twisted deep inside me. Something dark and poisonous tearing through my flesh, yet even as that grew, my feelings fought against it.

Why did I feel shame for my love for Kaidan? Was it because we were both men? No one had said it was bad or wrong, though it was never taught to be right either. Was it because he hated magic users and I was one of those dreaded monsters that could possibly terrorize him in the night? What was it?

“Exposure.” His voice snapped me out of my swirling chaos instantaneously. I almost thought I would fall from my sitting position for it felt jarring. “That’s what the priests called it anyway. See..” a pause for a breath of air. Was I breathing? “Brynjar had found in the Great War but he lost his faith in the Empire after the Concordant was signed. That, joined with whatever horrors he’d seen in action had scarred something in his mind. Happens all too often.” A scarred mind, body, and soul, I knew that all to well. War doesn’t just stop, it never stops. “So, he tried to fight those demons with drink. I’d grown up seeing it so I didn’t quite notice How He’d worsened over the years.”

I didn’t want him to stop, but I felt like that maybe he was pushing himself. “Kaidan,” but he didn’t stop.

He continued. “One winter night he went out in search of something stronger; they found his body the next morning lying on the steps to the Temple. Frozen solid. I don’t know if he meant to kill himself but it was clear he didn’t care if he did or not.”

My heart ached for Kaidan as I looked at him, tears in my eyes. My hands wanted to reach out, to comfort, but reasons told me not to. “Kaidan, I’m so sorry,” I didn’t know what else to say. “It must have been painful.”

“I wasn’t sad.” His voice tightened, I felt my blood freeze. The fire danced in his eyes, lighting them up into a furious crimson. Flashes of memories tore through my mind. Screams echoing in my ears. The Synod on fire. “I was angry.” Snap out of it, Ren! A silent plea to myself as Kaidan’s words continued to journey in the air, their honesty tearing me out of his eyes. “He could have died fighting, or as an old man surrounded by some family or,” It’s not that easy. “In any other way tht might have had some bloody dignity. Instead, he just left.”

I had to tear my eyes away from his. They were making me feel nauseous, reminding of things I didn’t want to remember. Dammit! I wanted to love his eyes, I did love his eyes, but they saw through me, they saw the monster at the Synod, the monster in chains. They saw everything.

“He was sick, Kai. That doesn’t change the good he did.” My voice was shivering. I didn’t expect it, but a large arm wrapped itself around me and I tensed for a second before looking up to see Kaidan. His eyes were calm.

“I suppose you’re right,” he started and my heart nearly exploded just feeling his chest rumble as he spoke. His scent of metal and sweat, familiar and soothing. Then he looked down and I felt like a peeping Tom. “And a more forgiving person than I am. Perhaps I could learn a thing or two from you.”

My mind froze. Never in my life had it felt like someone looked upon me with such respect. His eyes, they were warm. They cared and maybe even kept themselves at a distant because they felt they were too different, too bad. I want to tell him, I needed to tell him, but fear stopped me. “You’ll find peace,” my body is no longer cold, it relaxes in Kaidan’s arms. They feel familiar and safe, they’re a place I could call home. “It just takes time.” My hand falls on his thigh, wanting to give him a form of comforting touch.

I feel him pull away and my heart fractures a little. “Thank you for, y’know, listening.”

A smile is painted upon my face, my hand habitually pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. “It’s no worries, I-” I beg myself to halt. His eyes question, my mind screams. The words leave me. “I care for you.”

Inspired by this song ---> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_pEiTSW4UI&index=1&list=FLKwpeS62mdgd_bNoMlvd3OQ

Kaidan is not mine, he is a mod created by the amazing Liv. Highly recommended.

Ren smiled gently, warmly, like a caress. “You’re a good man, Kai. You can’t expect yourself to always be perfect.” The breton stood, the height change not much. The book he was reading earlier lies in his hand, pushed against his chest. “The only thing you can do to try and redeem yourself is learn from your past mistakes, but in my opinion you have nothing to redeem.” He held out his hand towards Kaidan who looked down at it with slight amazement. Ren’s hand looked smooth except for the long scar on the palm, a residue of the Thalmor. “Let’s go, it’s getting late and I think we deserve and nice bed for the night.”

Kaidan took his hand and stood up from the log he had situated himself on. “Thank you, for,” Kaidan paused a sense of embarrassment swelling his tongue. Ren just shrugged, his smile still on and radiating a warm aura. Hand in hand, Ren lead them towards the nearest town which just happened to be Windhelm.

They had gone out to do something, something college related. At the beginning, when Kaidan found out about Ren’s preference for magic, he couldn’t help but get a foul taste in his mouth. He tried his best to place a wall in between them, to prevent from last time, but damn that Ren, damn him for causing the warmth to rise in Kaidan’s cheeks. To catch the warrior off guard was unnerving to him and no matter how many walls, the many preventions, Ren still found a work around. All it took was a smile, the reach of his hand, the calm look in his eye and Kaidan knew that he wouldn’t be judged.

“Every object has multiple purposes, swords can be used to kill or protect, magic to heal or destroy. It’s the humans who have the true power to create good and evil. Magic in the hands of a necromance is just as inherently evil as a sword wielded by a bandit.”

The words, Ren’s words, echoed in Kaidan’s ears, they tortured and mended him. Just as holding the male’s hand was torture just as it was comfort.

Ren turn his head, looking over his shoulder at Kaidan, the burn marks noticeable from the shadows that fell on the small breton. Kaidan resisted the urge to touch, to caress, to comfort. He imagined the skin to be rough, strangely warm still as if the fire never left, it would have it’s own pulse, it’s own heat. Like a heartbeat in a way. To many it was an ugly mush of skin, burnt and scarred, nothing to be cherished or praised for, but they didn’t really see. They didn’t look.

“One room is fine, thank you.” Kaidan hardly noticed the entry into Windhelm nor the words of the person who ran the inn. No, it was the one room that caught him off guard.

They stepped into their room shedding off their bags and any unnecessary equipment. For Kaidan it was his armor, feeling a bit weird to be in only his underclothes. Ren only shedded the long jacket, his lightning bolt like scars now revealed, a consequence to his magic using. The burns on his left arm were there too, tempting Kaidan to touch.

From upstairs music started to play, the energetic kind that got some of the people to start laughing wildly. “Let’s go get something to eat!” Ren’s words were happy, cheering on as the thin male vanished from the room, followed by the muscular Kaidan who let out a small laugh.

There was a table in the corner that was free and from there they ordered a bowl of warm soup and nonalcoholic beverages. Ren sat in the corner seat, his back protected from any attack from behind, this fact made Kaidan relax a bit as he watched Ren’s face.

Ren’s eyes were on the bard who was singing, her words captivating him. A book sat closed in front of him, in front of him one hand was laid out open while the rubbed over the scar. To people who didn’t know him, he look absolutely in love - they’ve never seen him with a new book - but Kaidan knew better. Kaidan looked deeper, into the brown eyes that first comforted him in that prison, the same ones that held no judgement as he told his past, and the same ones that held an abyss of mixed emotions as Ren spoke of his scars.

“My mother use to sing this song, especially after my sister and I had some stupid fight and she would drag us both dancing while she sang, totally off beat and let’s not talk about how my mother could not hold a note.” Both men chuckled.

Their food arrived shortly after the songs end and they at, conversing about happier topics, Kaidan’s eyes occasionally falling to Ren’s moving ones or to the scars on his palms following the lightning flow, which was sometimes disrupted by the burnt flesh, and to the burn on Ren’s cheeks. Ren was speaking of happier topics, his time at the college during his younger years, the trouble he and his fellow students got into, Kaidan appreciated the warmth on Ren’s face, the happiness that was infectious. By the end of their meal both of them were laughing and sharing stories, drinking to themselves and watching the occasional bard show in silence.

Eventually it became silent in the inn, the music kept coming and Kaidan listened and watched while Ren went to his book, a small mix of expression coming over his face as he slowly delve into his book, strands of his brown hair fell from his bun, soft and tempting. Kaidan was about to suggest they think about going to bed when two men came towards them, faces red from alcohol. They were nords, it was obvious by their built and fair hair.

“You’re a mage.” The shorter of the two stated, sounding pleased with himself.

Ren didn’t even look up from his book, his face completely undisturbed. “Thank you for noticing.”

The small nord scowled. “It wasn’t a compliment!” Ren’s only reply was a shrug and the nord began to step forward.

Kaidan stepped in between the two, him towering the poor sod with an intimidating expression. Ren put his book down. “I wouldn’t take another step closer if I were you.”

It was the tall nord who took a step forward meeting Kaidan eye to eye. “If I were you, I would get out of the way.”

“Unlike you, I’m not a milkdrinker.”

There was fast movement, the guy swung his fist, Ren stood up, Kaidan’s fist made contact. Now there was contact, Ren’s hand on Kaidan’s arm, the smooth one, the unburnt hand. The book was laying unceremoniously on the ground. “Kai, let’s go to our room.” A demand more than a suggestion, hidden well. Ren was not look at Kaidan when he said this, his brown eyes held a straight gaze on the two nords, his emotions and thoughts unreadable.

Kaidan allowed himself to be lead away, watching the two nords closely. That’s how he saw the movement of the smaller one, his eyes squared on Ren. “I’m not done talking with you, mage!”

Instinct took over Kaidan as he pushed Ren behind him and moved his own fist which made contact with the side of the smaller nords face. He stumbled back and leff over the edge, landing on the stairs. The only sound he made was a groan. The bigger nord ran towards his buddy and helped him up. “You’ll regret this!” He claimed like a horrible villain in a corny book and left.

Ren sighed. “Let’s get some rest.” He grabbed his book, which he had left lying on the floor. He looked up at Kaidan and noticed the heavy look on the tall man’s face. Ren smiled and touched his arm, comforting and warm. “It’s okay. They’re the ones who started it anyways, you were just doing what you felt was right.” With that the male took Kaidan’s hand and left the upstairs area.

As soon as they were in the room, Ren pushed Kaidan to the bed, sitting him down and looking him over. “What are you doing?” Kaidan question, allowing the small touches from the Breton, from both hands this time. No answer and no more questions as Ren investigated, his eyes scrutinizing.

When he was done, Ren sat next to him and smiled. “No, wounds to heal up. You’re fit as a lute.”

Kaidan looked at Ren, then subconscious too a quick glance at his hands. “You shouldn’t do that. No matter how badly I’m hurt.”

Ren looked away, his gaze towards the way. “It’s not your decision.” His tone was soft, not derogatory or hurtful. He was right, Kaidan had no control of his actions, but Kaidan knew better.

Quiet hung over them, comforting, wrapping them up in a solitary blanket. Ren rubs one of his palms. Kaidan looks over, it’s the burnt hand that lays palm up. There’s a soft smell of smoke, or a memory of it. It takes all of his strength not to take Ren’s hands, to face the wounded palms towards him, to trace the marks that crawled on the breton’s skin.

“Let’s get some rest.” As Kaidan said those words he began to stand up, but a hand grabbed him. A soft unburnt hand. He look over at Ren.

“It’s cold and the floor is hard.” Kaidan stood frozen, looking into Ren’s eyes. Brown and warm, he wanted to look into them forever. There was no reply as Kaidan took his seat back. “Thank you,” relief, that was the sound that those words made. “Let’s get to sleep.” Ren laid down, his movements undisturbed, emotions kept in check, it was like second nature. Kaidan waited till he was settled before doing the same, laying face to face with him. “Sweet dreams, Kai.” The male could not reply, his words caught up as he watched Ren closed his eyes, his body feeling incredibly small compared to his.

Kaidan laid there, listening to Ren’s soft breathes. He tried to keep his eyes closed and for a time he was successful, he was almost asleep when he felt movement towards him, soft shuffling, arms wrapping around him. When he opened his eyes, Ren was closer than before, nuzzling his face into Kaidan’s chest. Kaidan froze, he knew what to do, he had done it before, but this was different, completely different. It took a moment of calming down before Kaidan finally wrapped his arm around Ren, feeling more of the breton’s warmth.

If this was all the touch he could have, even in this moment, Kaidan felt that he could die happy with this moment in the back of his head.

Let my heart be your shelter

Let these bones be the giver

Let this soul be your whisper

You can take it all, you can take it all

This vixen’s first ever Skyrim roleplay playthrough features Rurik Fjorgyn, a Nord-Altmer hybrid burdened by secrets, ancient oaths, and the weight of a dragon’s destiny.

The story begins with Rurik at a shrine to Zenithar, praying for the strength to bear the lies he must keep. With the shadow of his father’s betrayals looming over him, he walks a treacherous line between the Dominion, the Empire, and the Stormcloaks.

Bound by a hidden mission, a fiery romance with Kaidan, and the haunting call of the Dovahkiin, Rurik’s tale weaves together deception, loyalty, dragons, and the bittersweet truth that even heroes carry scars.

🎮 Expect angst, betrayal, romance, dragons, and the heartbreak that comes from oaths unkept.

For once, my hood was down. There was no need for celebration, just a oddly warm day in the Reach and my comfort level with Kaidan being okay. It took a moment and I couldn’t help but ask for permission first.

“H-hey, Kai,” his grunt of a response made me even more nervous but I begged my heart to function a bit properly. “Would it be okay if I put my hood down.”

He looked at me like I had five heads, or I think he did. Maybe he was just confused. I wasn’t the best at reading people. “Ren, you don’t need to ask me.” Was that a yes? Was he being nice? I had no idea. My mouth opened and closed as he continued to clean his sword, then he noticed me staring. “Yes,”

A breath of air left me and with shaky hands I put my hood down, avoiding from showing him my left side. “Thank you,” I was finally able to relax, pulling out a book to read and just enjoying the warm sun, glad we decided to set up camp early to wake up at an earlier time the next day. Yet, I couldn’t keep my eyes on the pages. Mainly for two reasons. My hair was still in my face, bugging me with every movement I made and there was a handsome man nearby that grabbed my curiosity.

I couldn’t help but watch Kaidan shining his sword with the sternest look on his face - which I tried to replicate but I just felt constipated. So instead I watched and studied, wondering if I could even get a glimpse of a smile. He had done it once before, I just wanted to see him do it again. Though the last time was an accident.

What can I do to make him smile?

That’s when it hit me. It made babies smile at times, making faces and imitating others, so maybe it’ll make him smile! Putting my genius plan into motion, I cut a small line of cloth and tried my best to copy Kai’s hair. Once I was done, I was ready to put my plan to the test.

“Look at me!” My voice was shaking and my heart forgot the beat it was supposed to go to, but I got his attention. “I’m Kaidan and I like to brood!” I stomped around a bit, doing my best to put on a brood face by pursing my lips and furrowing my brow. There was even a very impressive grunt, though from me it probably sounded like a pathetic meow.

Kaidan’s poker face didn’t break, but he put his sword down and that was something. “I do not like to brood,” a giggle passes me along with a small snort. “And that is not how you brood!”

More laughter, and I wipe a tear from my eye. “If you don’t like to brood then how do you know how to do it?” I wasn’t sure if he was amused at my poking or if he wanted smother me, either way, he seemed to be enjoying it. That’s when I saw his sword. Squaring myself up, I go to pick up the sword.

“Aye, I would be careful with that if I were you.”

I smiled at him, knowing that he was always worrying about me. It made me happy, truly. “I’ll be fine besides,” as I lift the sword, I realize that it’s a bit heavier than expected, but I push through. “I need it to be more convincing.” I barely get it a foot in the air before losing balance and falling to the ground, hard.

The scrambling of metal can be heard and Kaidan’s face appears above me concerned. “Ren, are you okay?’

No, I want to say. Instead I groan. “Maybe I should let you swing the sword and I’ll just continue practicing brooding.” Even though my back hurts and the air seems to have been knocked out a bit, I can’t help but laugh.

Kaidan’s laugh joins and I find myself enraptured as he hold his hand to to me. “To be fair,” I grab his hand and it seems surreal that we are making contact or that when he pulls me up we feel so close. “Brooding doesn’t quite fit your face, bookworm.” My words leave me.

In all my years, I never seen anything so honest in my life. Just the stretch of his mouth, seeing his eyes light up and shine like an apple’s skin.

“What? Did I say something?”

Ren had woken up from the many terrors that plagued his sleep and his only reality upon open his eyes we seeing Kaidan asleep across from him. His breathes were light and smelled of theming he had sucked upon before bed. Gently, like the large male before him was a fragile china doll that hadn’t been touched in decades, Ren placed his hand on his lover’s tattoo, tracing it’s curves and shapes.. It was a small habit he had picked up when they first go together. The motion was familiar and calming.

I’m so lucky to have you, that was always the first thing the halfling thought, his golden eyes tender. He would do anything for Kaidan, Ren knew this. “Words fall short, what do I say? How can I tell you?” This was a question that Ren asked himself aloud as if the answer would appear before him like a fairy godmother. There was nothing in his vocabulary or the various parts of language that could ever embody the emotions complex within him. So he left it at three words, putting all his feelings into it. “You’re so amazing.”

It was simple an quick, but if one listened close, dug their ear into his voice, they could hear the waves rolling on the shore. Not the ones where they crashed and pounded, but the gentle lulling of land meeting water like gentle kisses. This was his voice and those were his words.

—

Wanted to post this here cause I enjoyed writing this scene and want to become more confident in showing my writing off. <3 Hope you enjoy!

Also, I use J. R. Tokien’s Sindarin for the Aldmeri language and Dragon Age’s Dalish for the Bosmeri Language. Ren is fluent in both of them so he will slip in both at the same time.

Kaidan belongs to LivTempleton

Rennare Wilder, Mrasi, and the mentioned Bug belong to me.

Shuz belongs to @myosotis-veille

The walk down from High Hrothgar was difficult. With each step it felt like a hundred more of those burning needles that my father penetrated my palms with were going through my feet. There were times when I could hear the distant sound of chains, the thought of them making my ankles feel heavy. Despite the isolation upon this mountain and in the town alone, the air felt too stuffy. It was like breathing in cotton covered in oil and lit aflame in my lungs.

Silently, I counted the steps as we went down. It was something to keep my mind busy, to keep my mind off Kaidan. Yet every time I looked up, it was just another reminder of his absence. I messed up big time, the guilt was still hounding me. The awful things I had said to him like telling him to dump his big head in the sea of ghosts and never come back or that I never wanted to see him again. Words that I want to say to him bubble in the back of my throat, searing into my flesh. Apologies trembled in my teeth, ready to slip out. Except I could not say them for I knew not where he was. I could write to him, but I wanted to say it to his face, to show that the things I spoke agonized my every waking moment.

So wrapped up in my self pity I didn’t even hear as Mrasi tried to speak with me. I noticed neither Mrasi nor Him as they tried to pull me out. The only thing that did catch my attention was when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

My heartbeat escalated, breath becoming short, body tense. Out of reaction and not sense, I tore myself away, shrinking back only to see Him giving me a confused expression. He spoke no words and Mrasi was telling him something, but my senses were fogged. Memories of the past began to surface. As they breathed life, they took life away from me. I try to say I’m sorry but the words come out dry, falling dull like a leaf trying to cut skin. A piercing wind cuts through; I grab my hood to keep my face hidden.

“Let’s get to the inn and rest,” was all I could muster, eyes casted down and turning away from my three companions. Pelinal let out a small purr, nuzzling his big head underneath my arm. “We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow.” I don’t look the large sabre cat in the eye, I can’t. They don’t stop me or try to talk to me. Honestly, I don’t know if Him could talk but if he could I may have scared him from doing so. Saying I’m sorry feels so empty, I need to do something. Yet any idea I could conjure up felt desperate and fake. If only Kai were here, in my mind I can imagine him. Blonde hair, big goofy smile, his lame- my feet stop. Along with the rest of my group.

Mrasi moves next to me and from the corner of my eye I see his brows furrowing. “Ren, are you okay?” I nod, but don’t speak. If I spoke he would know it was a lie. My voice would shake, throat cracking and breaking as if it were eggs being dropped from a child’s hands. He opens his mouth but swallows his words and we continue to talk.

I try to recreate the image but everything has left me. The face of the man I seemed to have created has disappeared and now I see eyes of red, piercing and serious. There’s no smile on the male’s face but there is a warmth to how he talks and does things. He reaches his hand out and I go to grab it, only to find the beginning of the bridge. My hand rests upon its mossy stone, feeling the river beat underneath it. The water beneath only froze the burning cotton inside my lungs.

With a deep breath, I try to calm the flames before turning to Him and Mrasi. “You two go on to the inn, I want to pay a quick visit to a friend.” Mrasi nodded, giving Him no time to ponder just what I was doing as he dragged him away. Seeing the brunette nord archer being lead by a blonde mage made me smile. The sight just felt familiar somehow like watching someone do something you’ve dreamt of doing your entire life, seeing them succeed while you never tried.

In silence, I stood there, looking up at the clouds, so far up in the sky. I dream of being up there, flying, far from everything that had ever cursed my existence. Birds pass by, graceful and serene. A smile tugs on my lips as I imagine my mother’s hand raising towards the sky, she sounds happy despite the dirty under her nails, the scars on her arms.

Mindlessly, I turn to look at her only to find eyes of crimson blood and black scales flying towards me. Fire consumes me, I try to escape but I am stopped by the feeling of stone underneath my hands. My body gasps for air and despite the cold, I feel sweat pouring from my skin. Stupid visions, I silently scold myself, gathering whatever sense I had left. They keep coming, what do they mean? Whoever the black dragon was, I held no idea what seeing him meant. All I could gather was that he meant no good. He had destroyed Helgen, thrown me upon this journey - whether he meant to or not. Deep breaths, I coach myself, tearing my body away from the stone and towards Narfi’s home.

Although the ruined house was on the other side of the river, it was shallow enough for one to walk through without fear of being pulled away. Of course, I took my boots off and rolled up my pants so that only my feet would get wet. The contrast of the cold bit at my burns, making the water around it boil. Keep moving forward, a small little willing towards myself, trying to ignore how the heat felt against my cooler right side.

When my feet finally met the dirt and grass, a contented released from my lungs. Looking towards the shack, my heart clenched like a child sucking on their thumb. With bare steps, I went over to the burnt wooden home where I first met Narfi and placed a hand on the side of it. I walked towards where the entrance had been, facing the mountain that it stood underneath of. That’s where a small bed of flowers grew, flourishing slowly, gently rising from where Narfi had been buried.

“Aneth ara, Narfi.” My voice seems to barely be heard over the waterfall, I wonder if I did actually use my voice. “It’s been awhile, abelas I haven’t been able to visit often. The world has gotten so hectic, sometimes I wonder how it’s all still holding together.” Silence as always and I kneel before the grave, petting the flowers with my fingers. They were thriving and I was thrilled. So why were there tears in my eyes? “Naer, I made a huge mistake.” My words tremble as I wipe the water from my eyes. “I said horrible things to one of my friends and I made him leave. His name is Kaidan and I worry for him, he’s alone out there and if he gets hurt it’ll be my fault.” Clenching the amulet around my neck, I tried to take calm, deep breathes. “I don’t know what to do. I want to look for him, but I said such awful things.”

I sat there, hands clenched together against my necklace, a soft prayer playing soundlessly in my head. Bowing my head till it rested upon my knuckles I begged the gods to hear me. Please, keep Kaidan safe from harm. He’s a good man. So hard was I praying, trying to will the masters of the world to listen, I didn’t realize someone was behind me. Not until I heard a small cough.

Jumping I quickly got up. “I-Ir abelas,” brushing the dirt off my clothes, I continued to speak, voice stuttering and shaking. “I didn’t mean to take so long, I was just-” my words came to a halt as I turned to see Kaidan standing behind me. “Kaidan, ir abelas, I didn’t-”

He stops me with just the raising of his hand. My heart stumbles. He must hate me now, I bite my bottom lip, eyes casted down in shame. The words I said echo in my head like diseases sinking their teeth into my flesh. What a fool I was, to think that the simple words of apology would fix everything. Twisting my fingers together, I waited for him to speak, a wave of anxiety causing my to play with my hair, twisting the long strands that I had begun to grow used to. I was thankful that my hair was in a messy braid or else I would be knotting up the entire thing.

No words and I felt the need to jump in the river and allow myself to never surface again. Just as I opened my mouth to speak again, I am stopped when Kaidan places a hand on my head. “Aye, I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have been so harsh with you about magic, it wasn’t fair of me.” My body is frozen. Instinct tells me to tense, to push him away and get as far as I can, but my heart flutters at this simple gesture. There was warmth in his eyes and I felt my face heat up. “You’ve been so kind to me, it’s not fair if I lumped you with all the other magic users cause yer not like them.”

“What made you come back?” The question bounced off my tongue before I could hold them back. Curiosity got the best of me. “Not that I don’t accept your apology, we were both in the wrong. I’m just a little curious,” I whispered out the last part but by Kaidan’s slight smile, it seemed like he heard me. Yet, as soon as the smile appeared, it vanished.

He opened his mouth to begin, his hand pulling away from my head to rub the back of his neck. “Well, um, you see,” his eyes went down and in the light they seem to turn into a dark reddish brown like a setting distant sun behind mountains. “I ran into this weird looking kahjiit, I think her name was Bug, that’s what she referred herself as. Either way,” he began to shift on his feet, looking a bit nervous. “She had lost her companion. At first I thought she was looking for shoes but no, that was her companion’s name, Shuz.” A small chuckle and I feel myself smile at the sound. It was like listening to a baby laugh at something completely irrelevant but one can’t help but smile at the joy presented before them. “Well we found her companion who was the large orc and she’s this tiny little human looking khajiit, but she was so happy. Threw herself into his arms and everything, the orc began to scold her but seemed genuinely happy to have found her. Honestly, seeing that, I thought of you.”

A blush rises in my cheeks, the heat intense. “Me?” I always wondered if people thought of me or if I was memorable in any way but hearing this was a bit embarrassing. “Why me?”

Kaidan shrugged. “I don’t know, I just, she was outgoing and loud, nothing like you. But she was genuinely happy to see her companion and that joy, it made me think of you. You always smile at me and it’s so,” he pauses to look at me, his gaze intense. “It’s real.”

Before I could stop myself, I threw myself at him, hugging him tightly. “Thank you, for coming back. I was worried that you would get hurt.” I didn’t care if Kaidan had put his arms around me or not, I just wanted to express my gratitude and sometimes actions were better than words. Yet, he did wrap his arms around me, kind of. One hand patted my head, the other wrapped lightly around my shoulders.

“Aye, I can’t leave you alone too long. Who knows what kind of trouble you’ll get into, bookworm.”

I can’t help but giggle. “Very true and somebody has to heal your wounds and provide relief when your scars act up.” For a moment, we remain there, till I realize that I never asked permission. “Eck! Abelas! I never asked permission to hug you!”