#journal posts

If I am just made of flowers,

Instead of thorns,

Maybe you could’ve picked me.

If I am just made of starlight,

Instead of black holes,

Maybe you could’ve seen me.

If I am just made of beautiful words,

Instead of the angry ones,

Maybe you could’ve written me.

If I am just made of rainbows,

Instead of blacks and grays,

Maybe you could’ve painted me.

If I am just brave enough to utter the words,

Instead of drowning in silence,

Maybe you could’ve heard me.

But I couldn’t give you more.

I couldn’t give you the daydreams.

I could only give the little of what I have.

(But how could I give you love,

Where we chronicle the long journey from the week before the Contagion to some point in the indeterminate future. By way of setting the scene, here’s a picture of Grace Kelly, which is what Ele mostly looked like before the events that will progress. 

Still trying to get used to last night. I told Evgeni we had to talk this morning. I think he knows. Not about what happened, not the exact bits, but I think he knows that I’m not happy. It’s not like when we were first pledged. We’ve changed now and he wants me to be something I’m not. I know what Mother and Father always say, you can just get a nanny and then send them to boarding school while they grow up. But Mother and Father were both working and Evgeni… isn’t. And anyway why would I want to have children with someone who can’t be bothered to do the one thing he’s good at? His paintings should be so good, they should sell, they have sold. He never puts in the effort, though, am I supposed to carry him forever?

And I keep thinking about last night, about his hand on my knee on the kitchen counter. If it had been timed better; if I had met him first… If I had met Marko first it would have been better. I could love him, I do love him. Maybe cooking is silly, but at least he’s the best at it. Why shouldn’t I be in love with someone who is good at something?

“Valarie, you’re a mess. What happened?”

Journal pages from Earth Day (April 22) and from spring, but more over still have left 2 days in Spring season till it ends within about a week later. Anyhow, Goodbye Spring & for now byes.