#jongseob angst

keeho - 기호 

the dorm was loud the way it always was when all six boys were crammed into one room. jiung and jongseob were locked into a video game battle on the tv, their voices overlapping in sharp bursts of trash talk. intak sat cross-legged on the floor with a bag of chips, narrating the chaos like he was some kind of sports commentator. theo hummed under his breath while scrolling tiktok, and soul sat nearby flipping through a notebook.

you were curled against keeho on the couch, half leaning into his side, chin tucked against his shoulder as you watched the game unfold. it wasn’t unusual—in fact, it was your favorite spot, pressed against him while the others did their thing.

but tonight, keeho wasn’t really leaning back into you.

you didn’t notice at first. you laughed when jongseob shouted in victory, you clapped when jiung fumbled his controller, & you shifted closer when the blanket slipped from keeho’s lap. your hand found his sleeve, tugging gently as you whispered, “look, seob’s actually winning this round.”

keeho stiffened. he gave a small, almost invisible shrug like he was trying to shake your hand off. your brows pinched, but you didn’t move. instead, you tucked yourself closer, smiling. “you’re too quiet. what’s going on in that head of yours?”

that was when it happened.

keeho’s sigh was audible, sharp enough that the others glanced over. he pulled back slightly and said, without lowering his voice:

“god, you’re so clingy sometimes.”

the words landed like a slap.

the room went silent. even jongseob’s character died without him noticing, the announcer blaring on screen. you froze, heat rushing to your face so fast it made your ears ring. your hand fell away from keeho’s sleeve as if you’d been burned.

theo was the first to clear his throat. “…yikes.” intak blinked wide-eyed. “uh, hyung…” jongseob shot a glare keeho’s way, muttering, “not cool.”

soul didn’t say anything, but his pencil stopped mid-line. he was staring. jiung frowned, controller dropping into his lap. “dude, seriously? you didn’t have to say it like that.”

you swallowed, forcing a weak laugh that cracked on the edges. “wow. okay. that’s… noted.” you pushed yourself up from the couch, arms wrapping around yourself. you didn’t wait for a response. you slipped past the boys, trying to hold yourself together until you were safely behind a closed door. the sting hit then—humiliation, sharp and hot. not just because keeho had said it, but because he’d said it in front of everyone.

back in the living room, tension hung heavy.

keeho stared at the empty space you’d left, guilt slowly dawning across his face. “…i didn’t-” “bro,” intak cut in, still munching chips but his tone unusually serious, “you can’t say that to y/n. especially not in front of all of us.”

jiung shook his head, brows furrowed. “yeah, that was rough. you embarrassed her man.” theo leaned back, folding his arms. “more than rough. she looked humiliated.” keeho opened his mouth, closed it. he dragged a hand down his face, groaning. “i didn’t mean it like that.”

“doesn’t matter how you meant it,” jongseob muttered. “it’s how it sounded.” even soul piped up, voice quiet but cutting; “she looked like she wanted to disappear.”

keeho’s chest twisted. he knew. he’d seen it in your eyes the second the word left his mouth—that sting, that crumple he’d caused. and now all five of his members were staring at him like he was the villain.

because he was.

“shit,” he muttered, standing abruptly. “i need to fix this.”

you were sitting on the edge of the bathtub, when a soft knock sounded.

“baby?” keeho’s voice, muffled but gentle. you swiped at your eyes quickly, though the redness would give you away. “…busy.”

another pause.

“can i come in?”

“no.”

a beat of silence. then, “please. i messed up. i need to talk to you.”

your chest ached, torn between wanting to slam the door shut forever and the part of you that still craved him, even when he’d hurt you. finally, you exhaled, shaky. “fine.” the door opened slowly, revealing keeho’s guilty face. he stepped in and shut it behind him, leaning back against the wood as if bracing himself.

you didn’t look at him.

keeho crouched in front of you, voice quiet. “i’m sorry.” you pressed your lips together. “in front of everyone, keeho? really?” he winced. “i know. i know. it was the worst way i could’ve handled it.”

“you think?” the bitterness slipped out before you could stop it. tears threatened again, but you forced them down. “you embarrassed me. like i was some annoying… leech or something.” keeho’s face crumpled. “no, no, baby. that’s not what i think. that’s not what i meant at all.”

“then what did you mean?” your voice cracked. “because you looked pretty serious when you said it.”

he dropped his gaze, ashamed. “i was tired. distracted. you were pulling at me and instead of just saying i needed a second, i said… that. and it came out so wrong.” you let out a shaky laugh, humorless. “clingy. that’s what you think of me?”

“i don’t,” he said firmly, lifting his eyes back to yours. “i think you’re loving. i think you make me feel safe and wanted. i think you’re the best part of my day. and i took all of that for granted when i opened my stupid mouth.” something in his tone made your chest wobble. but the sting was still raw.

“you made me feel small,” you whispered.

keeho’s breath hitched. he reached for your hand—slowly, carefully—and when you didn’t pull away, he held it tight.

“i’m so sorry i hurt you. i would never want to make you feel like that. you’re not too much. you’re never too much. if anything, i don’t deserve how much love you give me.”

your throat closed, eyes burning again, but this time from the sincerity in his voice.

keeho shuffled closer, resting his forehead against your knee. “please forgive me. i’ll apologize a thousand more times if that’s what it takes. i love the way you cling to me. i love that you even want to. for a moment, the bathroom was silent except for your uneven breaths. then, finally, you whispered, “…promise?”

he looked up at you, eyes shining. “promise.”

something loosened inside you. you sighed, shoulders slumping as the tension drained. “you’re such an idiot sometimes.” a weak laugh escaped him. “the biggest idiot.”

you slid off the tub edge, into his arms. he wrapped you up immediately, hugging you so tightly it felt like he was trying to fuse your pieces back together. “i’m sorry,” he murmured into your hair again and again, like a mantra.

this time, you let yourself believe him.

when you both finally re-emerged, the boys were still sprawled in the living room, pretending not to have been eavesdropping. theo raised a brow when he saw your swollen eyes and keeho’s sheepish expression. “everything good now?”

keeho squeezed your hand, answering, “better than good. but i owe all of you an apology too.”

they blinked.

“i embarrassed her in front of you guys,” keeho said firmly, “and that wasn’t fair. it was disrespectful to her, and it put you in a weird spot too. so… i’m sorry.”

intak nodded slowly. “that’s more like it.” jongseob smirked. “took you long enough.” jiung gave you a gentle smile. “we’ve got your back. especially when our idiot leader fucked up with you.”

you felt warmth flood your chest, gratitude swelling as the boys went back to their usual banter, tension easing away. keeho tugged you back down beside him on the couch, this time wrapping his arm snugly around your waist without hesitation. he whispered just for you, “see? not letting you go ever again.”

you smiled faintly, leaning into him despite the sting that still lingered. because you knew—this time, he meant it.

˙⋆✮

theo - 테오 

the clock on the studio wall glowed 1:37 a.m.

you shifted in your seat, blinking against the haze of exhaustion. theo sat hunched over his notebook at the desk, headphones crooked on his head, lips pressed into a tight line. he hadn’t spoken in over fifteen minutes, pencil scratching furiously across paper while he rewound the same section of a beat again and again.

your back ached from the stiff couch, but you didn’t complain. being here mattered more than sleep. theo had been practicing nonstop for weeks, buried in choreography and lyrics, and tonight was one of the rare moments you could be by his side. you just wanted to make sure he didn’t drown in it.

“you’ve been staring at that line forever,” you said softly, trying to lighten the mood. “want me to grab you a coffee? or some snacks? you’ll think better if you take a break.” “i can’t,” theo muttered without looking up. you pushed yourself off the couch, padding closer. “just ten minutes, baby. come sit with me. breathe.”

he stiffened when you touched his shoulder. “i said i can’t.” your smile faltered. “theo…” he yanked the headphones down around his neck, finally turning to face you. his expression was sharp, eyes flashing with the frustration that had been simmering all night.

“you don’t get it. i need to finish this.” “i do get it,” you said gently. “but you’ve been at it for hours. you’re burning yourself out, and i just want to help.” he let out a harsh laugh, running a hand through his hair. “help? by hovering over me? you’re being… you’re being so clingy right now. i can’t think.”

the word slammed into you.

you froze, hand still hovering uselessly near his shoulder. “clingy?” theo groaned, turning back to his notebook. “just give me space y/n, okay? please.” your throat tightened, burning with humiliation. you’d stayed up for him, waiting, worrying, just to be dismissed like that. you stepped back quickly, arms wrapping around yourself.

“…right,” you whispered, barely audible. “i’ll give you space.”

before he could respond, you slipped out of the studio, the door clicking softly shut behind you.

theo sat frozen at the desk, pencil slack in his fingers. the silence that followed was deafening, the weight of what he’d just said sinking in with every passing second.

clingy.

his stomach twisted. he hadn’t meant it like that. he hadn’t meant for your face to crumple the way it did, hadn’t meant for you to leave. “shit,” he muttered, shoving back from the desk. his music didn’t matter right now. none of it did.

you sat on the floor just outside the studio, knees pulled tight to your chest. the hall was dim, quiet except for the hum of vending machines down the corridor. you hated that your eyes were stinging, hated that one stupid word had undone you so easily. but you couldn’t stop replaying it. clingy. like you were a nuisance. like your love was suffocating.

the door creaked open, and theo’s footsteps approached.

“baby?” his voice was cautious, almost pleading. you swiped at your cheeks quickly, though your sniffle gave you away. “…don’t, theo. just go finish your song.” he crouched in front of you, eyes wide with guilt. “no. i can’t. not after that. i’m so sorry.” you stared at the floor. “you didn’t seem sorry when you said it.”

“i wasn’t thinking,” he admitted, voice rough. “i was frustrated, and i took it out on you. and that’s… that’s the last thing i should’ve done.” your chest tightened. “so you don’t think i’m clingy?”

theo’s heart cracked at the way you asked it, so small, like you needed him to prove it. he shook his head fiercely. “no. never. i love that you want to be close to me. i love that you care enough to sit in a freezing studio at one in the morning just so i’m not alone. you’re the reason i can even keep going.” his hand hovered before gently brushing against your arm. “baby, you’re not too much. i’m the one who was too much. too caught up in my own head to realize how lucky i am.”

your breath wavered, eyes finally meeting his. “you really hurt me.”

“i know,” theo whispered, throat tight. “and i hate myself for it. but let me make it right. please.”

he slid down to sit on the floor beside you, wrapping his arms around your curled-up frame. at first you resisted, stiff against him. but then his warmth seeped in, his heartbeat steady against your cheek, and you finally let yourself melt into him.

“i’m sorry,” he murmured into your hair again and again, voice trembling with sincerity. “i’ll never call you that again. i swear.” your tears soaked into his hoodie, but you didn’t care. you clung to him now, tighter than before, needing proof that he wouldn’t push you away again.

theo held you just as fiercely. “you’re not clingy. you’re the best thing in my life. don’t ever doubt that.” the hall was quiet, but in his arms, the sting slowly eased.

when he finally pulled back, his eyes were red too. “come back inside with me? i won’t work anymore tonight. i just want to hold you.”

you searched his face, wary but softening. “…promise?”

he cupped your cheek, nodding. “promise.”

back in the studio, the desk lamp still glowed over scattered papers, but theo ignored it. he pulled you onto the couch with him, tucking you against his chest under his hoodie, as if shielding you from every harsh word he’d ever said. you exhaled slowly, the ache in your chest loosening at last.

“don’t ever scare me like that again,” you whispered.

he pressed a kiss to your hair. “never again. you’re my everything. too clingy? more like not close enough.”

for the first time all night, you smiled.

˙⋆✮

jiung - 지웅

the dorm door clicked open, and jiung stepped inside, shoulders sagging under the weight of the day. his hoodie was pulled low over his eyes, backpack sliding down one arm like he didn’t even have the energy to hold it.

you were curled on the couch between intak and jongseob, waiting. the second you heard the door, you perked up, smile breaking across your face.

“ji!” you scrambled up, crossing the room to greet him. “you’re back, finally! how was practice? did you eat? do you want me to heat something up?” your arms went around him before he could answer, hugging him tight.

but instead of relaxing into you, jiung stiffened. “baby,” he said, voice low and rough, “not right now.” you pulled back slightly, blinking. “oh—sorry, i just missed you.”

he sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. “i know. i just… can you not be clingy the second i walk in? i’m exhausted.”

the word landed sharp and cold.

clingy.

your smile faltered. behind you, the members shifted uncomfortably, the tension in the air immediate. intak opened his mouth to say something, but you shook your head quickly, forcing a little laugh.

“right. sorry. i’ll… give you space.”

you backed away, retreating toward the kitchen even though your chest ached. jiung didn’t look up. he just kicked off his shoes and trudged toward his room, leaving silence behind him.

the kitchen tiles blurred as you stood there, staring at nothing. your arms still tingled from the hug you’d given him, a hug he didn’t want.

clingy.

like you were too much. like your love was inconvenient. intak’s voice broke through softly. “hey… don’t listen to him. he’s tired. you know how jiung gets when he’s wiped.” jongseob nodded. “yeah. he didn’t mean it.” you forced a nod, but the sting was already lodged in your chest. “it’s fine. i get it.” but you didn’t, not really.

jiung collapsed face-first onto his bed, groaning into the pillow. his body was aching, his mind buzzing from hours of practice, but all he could think about was the look on your face when he brushed you off.

god, why had he said that?

he hadn’t meant it—not the way it came out. he just felt suffocated by the day, by the endless schedules and expectations, and when you hugged him, instead of grounding him like it usually did, it tipped him over the edge. but that wasn’t your fault. that was his.

and he’d said it in front of the others. guilt coiled in his stomach, hot and sickening. he sat up abruptly, dragging a hand down his face.

fix it. now.

you were curled on the couch again, knees tucked up, staring blankly at the tv that wasn’t even on. theo and keeho were talking quietly in the corner, casting glances your way, while jongseob scrolled through his phone. when jiung stepped out of his room, the air shifted. everyone looked up. his eyes found you immediately, and the sight twisted the knife in deeper. he crossed the room slowly, kneeling down in front of you.

“baby,” he said softly. you didn’t look at him. “shouldn’t i give you space?” theo muttered something under his breath that sounded like dumbass, but jiung ignored it, shame burning in his ears.

“no. i was wrong. i didn’t mean what i said.”

your arms tightened around your knees. “but you said it.”

“i know.” his voice cracked. “i was exhausted and frustrated, and i took it out on you. i called you clingy because i didn’t have the energy to think, but the truth is— i need your clinginess. i need you.” finally, your eyes lifted to his, glassy with unshed tears. “you really hurt me.”

“i know,” he whispered, throat tight. “and i hate that i did. you’re never too much for me. not ever. i was just… too tired to see what was right in front of me. the person who waits for me, worries about me, loves me no matter how drained i am.” his hand reached up, brushing tentatively over your arm. “i don’t deserve it, but please don’t pull away from me. not when i need you most.”

you stared at him for a long moment, the ache in your chest warring with the sincerity in his eyes. finally, you exhaled shakily. “…you’re such an idiot.” a shaky laugh slipped from him, relief flooding his face. “yeah. i am.”

you let him pull you into his arms then, clinging to him despite your words. he held you tighter, burying his face in your shoulder. “i’m sorry,” he murmured again and again. “you’re not clingy. you’re everything. i love how much you love me.”

“don’t say it if you don’t mean it,” you mumbled against his hoodie. “i mean it,” he swore, pressing a desperate kiss to your hair. “every word.”

keeho cleared his throat pointedly from across the room. “apology accepted—on behalf of all of us who had to watch that train wreck.” intak snorted, jongseob muttered facts, and theo just shook his head. but their teasing softened the tension, and you even laughed weakly into jiung’s chest.

he smiled at the sound, finally breathing again.

that night, he refused to let you out of his arms. curled together on his bed, he traced apologies across your skin with his fingertips, whispered promises into your hair until your breathing evened out.

and when you finally drifted off, he stayed awake just a little longer, holding you like he’d never let go.

“never too much,” he whispered into the dark. “never.”

˙⋆✮

intak - 인탁 

the bass rattled the mirrors of the practice room, sweat beading across the boys’ foreheads as they drilled the same eight-count for the tenth time. intak’s jaw was tight, movements sharp but not sharp enough for him. he cursed under his breath when he stumbled on the transition again, shaking his head furiously.

“focus,” theo said gently, but intak just nodded curtly and restarted the track.

you leaned against the doorway, watching quietly. you’d brought snacks and water, hoping to cheer them up after the long session. mostly, you wanted to see intak. he’d been disappearing into practices all week, and you missed him.

“break time, please,” keeho groaned, flopping onto the floor dramatically. jiung laughed and joined him, tugging jongseob down too. “fine,” intak muttered, tossing his cap aside and collapsing against the wall. his chest rose and fell with heavy breaths, sweat darkening his shirt.

you took that as your chance.

“hey, tak,” you said softly, stepping inside. his head snapped up, eyes wide before softening a little. “oh. you’re here.” you grinned and held up the bag. “brought goodies! figured you guys could use fuel.”

cheers erupted from jiung and jongseob as they scrambled over. keeho clapped like you’d just saved his life. you giggled, setting the bag down, then went to sit beside intak. “you okay?” he nodded, eyes fixed on the floor. “just tired.” you reached to wipe some sweat from his temple with your sleeve. “you worked so hard. i’m proud of you.”

his jaw clenched. “don’t.”

you froze. “…don’t what?”

he finally looked at you, eyes sharp. “don’t smother me right now. i can’t breathe.” your chest tightened. “i was just-”

“you’re being clingy,” he snapped, louder this time. “i don’t need it right now.”

the room went dead silent.

keeho’s eyes widened. theo shot him a look. jiung and jongseob exchanged awkward glances, halfway through unwrapping a granola bar. you sat back slowly, heat flooding your cheeks. “…right. sorry.”

you stood abruptly, muttering something about needing air, and slipped out before anyone could stop you.

the practice room was thick with tension after the door shut.

“what the hell was that?” theo demanded, arms crossed. intak groaned, dragging his hands down his face. “i didn’t mean-” “you called her clingy,” keeho cut in, voice sharp. “in front of us. when she literally just brought us snacks?”

jiung smacked him lightly on the arm. “not cool.” intak’s chest twisted with guilt, but frustration still buzzed in his veins. “i was stressed. i couldn’t think.”

“well, think now,” jongseob muttered. “because y/n looked she wanted to cry.”

intak’s stomach dropped. without another word, he grabbed his cap and bolted for the door.

you sat on the bench outside the practice room, picking at the hem of your sleeve. your chest still stung, the word echoing in your head. clingy. too much. the door opened, and intak rushed out, breathless.

“baby-”

you stood quickly. “don’t. it’s fine. go back to practice.” “no,” he said firmly, stepping closer. “practice can wait. you can’t.”

your eyes flicked away. “you made it pretty clear i can.” his heart squeezed. he reached for your hands, but you pulled them back.

“i’m sorry,” he blurted. “i didn’t mean it. i was frustrated, and i let it spill out the wrong way. you’re not clingy. god, you’re the opposite— you’re the only one who makes all this bearable.” you frowned, still hurt. “then why’d you say it?”

“because i’m an idiot,” he admitted instantly. “i was mad at myself, at my mistakes, and i lashed out at the one person i should never hurt. i swear, it wasn’t about you. it was about me not being good enough tonight.”

your throat tightened, tears threatening. “you made me feel like… like i was in the way.”

intak’s eyes softened, pained. he gently cupped your face, tilting it so you met his gaze. “you’re never in the way. you’re the reason i even get through days like this. when you wipe my sweat, when you cheer for me, when you just show up— it’s everything. i don’t deserve it, but i need it. i need you.”

you blinked, tears spilling despite yourself. “then don’t push me away.” his voice cracked. “i won’t. not again. i promise.”

you finally let him pull you into his arms, his hoodie damp against your cheek. he held you so tight it almost hurt, murmuring apologies into your hair. “you’re not clingy,” he whispered again and again. “you’re my safe place. i’m sorry i made you doubt that. i’ll make it up to you every day if i have to.”

you clung back, shaky but firm. “you better.”

he let out a soft, relieved laugh, kissing the top of your head. “yeah. i will.”

when you both returned to the practice room, the others tried to act casual, but keeho still shot intak a look.

intak tightened his grip on your hand, tugging you gently closer. “we’re good,” he said firmly, mostly to himself. you squeezed back, finally believing it.

˙⋆✮

soul - 白翔太

the dressing room buzzed with energy after the show. staff members hurried around, touching up makeup, collecting mics, tossing bottles of water into eager hands. keeho was joking with jiung, theo stretched his sore shoulders, and jongseob was scrolling through fan posts already.

you slipped through the crowd, eyes searching. finally, you found him.

soul sat off to the side on a folding chair, head bowed, towel draped over his neck. sweat clung to his skin, strands of hair sticking to his forehead. you crossed the room quickly, crouching down in front of him. “hey,” you said softly, offering him a water. “you killed it out there. the fans were so loud for you.”

he didn’t look at you. “thanks.”

you frowned. “are you okay? your shoulder- you looked like you were stretching it too much during the last song. want me to-” he shifted back, jaw tight. “i said i’m fine.”

you hesitated, then reached anyway, dabbing at the sweat on his cheek with a tissue. “you don’t have to pretend with me. i just-” “stop,” he snapped, swatting your hand away.

your chest jolted. “i-”

his eyes finally lifted, sharp and frustrated. “you’re being clingy. can you just give me a minute to breathe?” the room went quiet. a couple staff members froze mid-step. jiung’s head whipped around, eyes wide. theo’s smile faltered.

you felt the sting instantly, your face flushing hot.

clingy.

you pulled back your hand slowly, standing up on shaky legs. “…right. sorry.” you mumbled something about grabbing more tissues and slipped out the door before anyone could stop you.

inside, tension lingered. keeho raised an eyebrow. “seriously, soul?”

soul groaned, dragging both hands through his damp hair. “i didn’t— i didn’t mean it like that.” “sure sounded like you did,” theo muttered.

jiung shook his head, clearly unimpressed. “y/n was just trying to take care of you. you could’ve just said you needed space.” soul’s chest tightened. shame crept in, sour and heavy. he knew they were right. he’d seen the hurt in your eyes before you turned away.

and it was his fault.

you leaned against the cool wall outside, biting the inside of your cheek hard to keep tears at bay. the backstage hallway was quiet except for the faint thrum of fans still screaming outside the venue.

clingy. like you were smothering him. like your love was a burden. you hugged yourself, heart aching. the door opened behind you, and hurried footsteps followed.

“baby.”

you looked up to see soul, hair still damp, panic written all over his face. you turned away. “shouldn’t you be inside celebrating?” he winced. “not without you.”

“you seemed fine without me a minute ago.”

the words cut, and he flinched.

“i didn’t mean it,” he said quickly. “i was overwhelmed. i couldn’t even hear myself think. i lashed out, and i used the worst word i could’ve picked.” your arms tightened around yourself. “you made me feel like i was suffocating you.”

he stepped closer, desperate. “no. you’re the only reason i can breathe on days like this. i swear, you’re not too much. you’re… you’re everything.”

you shook your head, voice small. “then why’d you say it?”

“because i’m an idiot,” he whispered. “because i was mad at myself for messing up a step, for being tired, for not being perfect— and instead of owning that, i pushed you away. i hurt the one person who was only trying to help.”

his voice cracked. “i hate that i did that to you. i hate that i made you doubt how much i need you.” slowly, he reached for your hands. this time, you let him take them. his grip was trembling but steady, grounding. “you’re not clingy,” he said, looking straight into your eyes. “you’re the one person who sees me when all of this—” he gestured vaguely toward the venue “—feels too big. you keep me sane. i’m so, so sorry i made you feel like a burden.”

your throat wobbled, the ache in your chest loosening just slightly. “don’t do it again.” he nodded quickly. “i won’t. never again. if i’m overwhelmed, i’ll tell you. i’ll never push you away like that.”

you searched his face, and all you saw was raw honesty. finally, you let out a shaky breath and leaned into him. he wrapped his arms around you instantly, holding you like he’d never let go. his hoodie was still damp from sweat, but you didn’t care.

“i need you,” he murmured into your hair. “cling to me all you want. i want it. i want you.”

you clung back, relief washing over you at last.

when you both walked back into the dressing room, everyone looked up. soul kept your hand firmly in his, expression set. “we’re okay.” he said quietly. keeho smirked. “better be.” jiung gave a small approving nod.

you squeezed soul’s hand, and this time, he squeezed back without hesitation. that night, when the lights were off and the noise of the day was gone, he whispered into the dark with your head on his chest:

“never too much. never clingy. just mine.”

and you believed him.

˙⋆✮

jongseob - 종섭

the dorm was unusually calm for a friday night. the other members were sprawled in the living room—keeho watching a movie, theo half-asleep with his hoodie up, jiung scrolling through his phone.

you were curled up on the end of the couch beside jongseob, legs tucked under you, head resting on his shoulder. he’d been quiet all evening, distracted by whatever track he was mixing on his laptop.

you didn’t mind at first. being near him was enough. you liked the way his warmth felt against your side, how his fingers tapped softly to a rhythm only he could hear.

but after nearly an hour of silence, you started tracing gentle circles on his arm. “you’ve been staring at the same screen for twenty minutes,” you said softly. “you okay?”

he hummed, barely looking up. “yeah.”

you smiled. “want me to get you a snack?”

“no, thanks.”

you shifted a little closer, resting your chin on his shoulder to peek at the project. “what’re you working on?” he sighed quietly. “just… something.” your smile faltered. “you’ve been kinda distant lately.”

that made him pause. just for a second—then his jaw tightened. “i’m just tired, y/n.” “i know, but-” you tried to wrap your arm around him, seeking closeness, something to melt the space between you.

but he pulled back a little, the movement small but sharp. “can you not?” you blinked. “not what?” his tone came out clipped, too harsh. “not cling so much. it’s a lot sometimes.”

the sound of it hit you like a slap.

even keeho glanced up from the movie, brows furrowing. theo lifted his head, still half-asleep with eyes flicking between you both. you froze, the air suddenly too heavy. “i was just… trying to be close to you.”

“yeah, well,” jongseob muttered, rubbing his face. “sometimes it’s too much. it's clingy.”

the room went dead silent.

you felt your throat tighten. “okay.” you stood up quickly, forcing a small smile. “i’ll give you space then.”

keeho started to say something, but you were already heading toward the hallway. when the sound of your door shutting echoed down the hall, the silence that followed was deafening.

keeho turned down the volume on the TV. “what was that?” jongseob groaned, dragging his hands down his face. “i don’t know. i just—i snapped.”

“yeah,” theo said flatly. “and you snapped at the wrong person.” jiung leaned forward. “she literally did nothing wrong.”

soul, who had been silent up until then, looked over from his game. “you’re in trouble.” jongseob slumped back against the couch. “i know. god, i know.” keeho sighed. “you’ve been stressed, sure, but that doesn’t give you the right to take it out on her. you better fix it.”

he didn’t even respond—just stood and disappeared down the hall, guilt written all over him. you were sitting on the edge of the bed, hugging a pillow, trying not to cry.

the word clingy kept replaying in your head; like it had weight. like it meant too much. you’d only wanted to help, to be near him. but now all you felt was foolish.

a soft knock interrupted your spiral.

“y/n?” his voice came quietly from the other side of the door.

you didn’t answer.

he waited, then sighed. “can i come in?” after a long pause, you said, “yeah.” he slipped inside, eyes immediately landing on you; small, curled up, and clearly hurt.

his chest twisted. “i’m sorry.”

you didn’t look up. “you made me feel like i was annoying.”

he winced. “i didn’t mean that. i swear.”

“then why’d you say it?”

he hesitated, words fumbling out. “because i was tired, and my brain was loud, and i just… wanted quiet for a second. but i didn’t mean you were too much. i love that you’re close to me. i just-” he ran a hand through his hair, frustrated with himself. “i said it wrong. i hurt you. and i hate that.”

you glanced at him, eyes glassy. “you really did.”

he nodded, walking closer slowly, like he was afraid to scare you off. “i know. i’m so sorry. you’re not clingy. you’re caring. you’re the only person who makes this place feel calm.”

you stayed quiet, chewing your lip.

“sometimes,” he said softly, “i get so lost in my own head that i forget how lucky i am to have someone who wants to be near me at all.” that cracked something open in you. you blinked, tears slipping free.

“come here,” he whispered.

you hesitated—then let him pull you in.

his arms wrapped around you tightly, like he was afraid you’d disappear. he buried his face in your shoulder, voice breaking against your skin. “i’m sorry. i love when you touch me. i love when you care. i love you. i just got stupid.”

your fingers curled into his hoodie, clinging back. “then don’t push me away next time.” “i won’t,” he promised instantly. “you can hold me all you want. forever, if you want.”

you laughed through a sniffle. “that’s a little clingy.”

he smiled, relief flooding his expression. “guess we’re both clingy then.”

when you both rejoined the others in the living room, it was quieter softer somehow.

keeho didn’t say anything, just gave a little nod when he saw your hand in jongseob’s again. theo muttered, “good job,” without looking up. jiung smiled faintly.

you curled up next to him on the couch again, and this time, when you rested your head on his shoulder, he didn’t move away.

instead, his hand found yours under the blanket.

and just before you drifted off, you heard him whisper, barely audible, “cling to me all you want, baby. i’m not going anywhere.”

˙⋆✮

a/n : thank you for reading & thank you for 400 followers<3

But despite it all, you still knew how much he loved you — and how much he wanted to be there.

God, you knew and that made it hurt so much worse.

He'd been talking about your graduation for months, voice bright with excitement every time he brought it up because he was proud of how you’ve made it this far and fought all the many battles that had set you back.

He wanted pictures of you in your cap and gown. He wanted to buy you flowers, and sit through the painfully long ceremony just to hear your name called for five seconds, and be the one cheering the loudest when you walked across that stage.

But three nights ago, he'd called sounding exhausted and guilty all at once, and you'd known before he even said it.

"I don't think I can make it." His voice cracked slightly on the last word.

And even though your chest burned and disappointment crashed through you so violently you had to press your palm against your sternum to breathe — you still told him it was okay immediately.

Of course it was okay... you loved him too much to make him feel worse about something he couldn't control and you loved him enough to break your own heart quietly so his wouldn't hurt more than it already did.

"It's okay, my love. Really. I understand."

"I'm so sorry—"

"Don't apologize. You can't help it."

But you'd cried after hanging up — so hard that your roommate knocked on your door asking if you were alright… and then it all piled at once. You cried for him and you cried for yourself. You cried because you were so tired of understanding and you cried from the exhaustion of being the supportive girlfriend who never complained.

And you felt guilty for even feeling that way.

He worked so hard and had sacrificed so much.. so who were you to demand his presence when his dreams required everything from him?

So now, sitting in the sea of graduates while the ceremony dragged on endlessly beneath the hot afternoon sun, you tried focusing on literally anything else, like the speeches that blurred together into meaningless noise, or the friends around you that had been fanning themselves with their programs, and even the several cords and sashes that sat around your neck, playing with them between your fingers.

You tried not to look at the audience of families, friends and loved ones, but naturally, your eyes searched for him everywhere you went, even when you knew he wouldn't be there.

Even when you'd accepted his absence, your heart still looked for him like a compass pointing north.

The sun beat down mercilessly, and your gown stuck to your skin underneath, but you barely noticed at this point. You were too busy trying not to think about how this was supposed to be your day, but it felt pointless without the person who supported you through it all.

When your name was finally called, applause echoed around you as you walked across the stage with a practiced smile, accepting your diploma while cameras flashed from the crowd. The moment should have felt triumphant. But instead, it felt hollow.

You spotted your family immediately high up in the crowd, their proud faces beaming — your close friends beside them too, screaming your name enthusiastically.

But still no Jongseob.

For a second, disappointment hit harder than you expected. It was a physical blow that made your smile falter, and your eyes sting with tears you absolutely could not shed in front of hundreds of people.

But it was not enough to ruin the day. Never that.. but your smile still trembled once you stepped offstage, causing you to take three deep breaths before rejoining the fellow graduates in your row..

In that moment you wondered, just for a second, if loving him was worth feeling this alone.

After the ceremony ended, the stadium exploded into cheers, music, and applause. Families flooded the lawn with bouquets and balloons while graduates hugged each other as cameras clicked nonstop..

The air smelled like crushed grass and perfume and the faint sweetness of flowers. Everyone was celebrating loudly around you, but you still felt strangely distant from it all — like you were watching your own life through frosted glass.

And just when you were in the middle of taking pictures with your friends, forcing your smile wider.. you heard your name.

And it had come from a voice you'd recognize anywhere. A voice that lived in your chest, heard in dreams, and memorized in every tone and inflection.

Your head snapped around so fast it made your heart stutter so violently against your ribs.

But there he was — standing awkwardly near the edge of the crowd in a cream hoodie and a baseball cap pulled low over his eyes, holding the most ridiculously oversized bouquet you'd ever seen in your life.

White tulips, baby's breath, and pale pink roses, your favorites, you realized with a sharp intake of breath, far too many flowers for him to realistically carry properly.

For a moment you genuinely thought you imagined him the way your vision blurred and knees went weak. It was like the whole world twisted sideways.

Jongseob’s eyes found yours instantly, and the second they did, every ounce of tension left his shoulders — as if finding you was the only thing grounding him there. You couldn't move, breathe, or do anything except stare at him like he'd magically appeared from your desperate wishes.

"I'm late," He said breathlessly when you finally reached him — your legs had forgot how to work for a moment, but they carried you to him so fast you nearly tripped over your gown.

"You came…” Was all you managed back, your voice embarrassingly small.

Something in his expression softened immediately or.. crumbled, really. He'd been holding himself together by sheer force of will and your words had undone him completely.

"Of course I came." His voice cracked. "Did you really think I wouldn't?"

And suddenly you were crying.

Tears welled up before you could stop them, hot and fast and overwhelming, because he was here. Somehow through all the schedules and managers and flights and exhaustion and every obstacle that should have kept him away, he was standing in front of you at your graduation exactly like he promised and wanted to be.

He panicked instantly the moment he saw your face crumple. "No, no, don't cry — baby, please—"

He gripped the bouquet into one arm clumsily and pulled you against him so quickly you almost laughed through your tears. His arm wrapped around your waist tightly, desperately, like he was afraid you'd disappear if he didn't hold on hard enough.

His chin pressed softly on the top of your head over your graduation cap, and you felt him exhale shakily against you — a sound of pure relief. He smelled like airport coffee and his familiar cologne that made you cry harder.

"Shhh… it’s okay." He mumbled softly, and you could hear the smile in his voice now, affectionate and teasing. "Are you upset..?"

"God, no," You sniffled against his hoodie, fingers clutching the fabric at his back. "I just — I really missed you. So much. Every day."

That completely melted him.

You felt it happen physically with the way his grip tightened around you until you could barely breathe, the quiet exhale against you that sounded almost like a sob, and the tiny kiss he pressed near your temple before remembering where you were.

His hand came up to cradle the back of your head, thumb stroking gently through your nicely styled hair tucked beneath the cap.

"I missed you too," He whispered, voice thick. "Every second. I'm so sorry I made you think I wouldn't come."

"How come you said you couldn't—"

"I lied." He pulled back just enough to look at you fully, his eyes were glassy with unshed tears. "I wanted to surprise you. I took the earliest flight. I've been awake for thirty-six hours. I was going to crawl here if I had to."

Before you said anything else, you noticed hard states and cameras from people you didn’t quite recognize. This sweet moment had convinced you so hard that for a moment this was private but.. no.

This was very public.

You let out a small smile before the two of you pulled apart at the exact same moment, suddenly aware of the attention he’s gathered.

Some were whispering already, hands covering their mouths in shock. A few students nearby had their phones out, eyes wide with recognition, fingers trembling as they tried to discreetly record. One girl looked seconds away from losing her mind entirely, gripping her friend's arm so hard her knuckles were white.

Usually, that would've been enough for Jongseob to take a couple steps back immediately. Your relationship had survived this long because you were careful since the two of you had built your love in the shadows because the light would destroy it.

But today, he looked at you like none of that mattered.

Because you were the only thing that mattered and lord, he would’ve gone crazy if he had to continue hiding the best thing in his life.

"You look really pretty," He mumbled quietly, eyes scanning over your graduation gown and cap with as much admiration. He looked so in awe, gazing at you with a love that was so overwhelming it couldn't be contained. “Sorry I was late.. I kinda missed most of your ceremony.”

You laughed weakly, wiping at your cheeks with shaking hands. "You brought enough flowers to make up for it."

"Yeah — I thought bigger would help."

"It did a little." You touched one of the tulip petals gently, and it was silk-soft against your fingertips. "They're perfect. You remembered my favorites."

"Of course I did.” He smiled. “I remember everything about you." He grinned, sweet, crooked, and so unbearably cute that your heart hurt.

He was going to be the death of you — seriously.

And maybe it was the emotions from the day finally catching up to you, or maybe it was because he looked so openly in love with you despite the crowd watching, but before you could overthink it, you reached up and fixed the chain sitting crooked beneath his hoodie collar.

Such a tiny gesture but so familiar as it was something you'd done a hundred times in private,m like in his bedroom or just in any of the quiet moments when it was the two of you and the rest of the world didn't exist.

But the look on his face afterward made your breath catch.

His eyes went soft and vulnerable, lips parting slightly like you'd done something profound instead of simply straightening his necklace. His hand came up to catch yours, pressing your palm flat against his chest where his heart was racing.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked suddenly, voice quieter now, almost nervous. God he was nervous??? He’s kissed you millions of times before yet you still had this affect.

Your eyes widened immediately. "Here?"

"I don't really care right now." His thumb stroked across your knuckles. "You're the most important person in my life, and I need to show you what that means to me."

You glanced around nervously, hearing the whispers growing louder by the second, seeing more phones appear.

"Seob… what if—"

"I don't care." His voice was firm now, certain. "I want everyone to know you're mine and how proud I am."

Your heart was going to explode. "Are you sure you’re thinking clearly—"

"I've never been more sure of anything." He stepped closer, his free hand coming up to cup your cheeks, warm and gentle and steady. "I'm proud of you. I'm so proud I could burst. And I want to kiss my girlfriend right now. Please."

Honestly? You couldn't say no to him even if you tried.

So without another word, you let him lean down carefully, one hand warm against your cheek while the other held the absurd bouquet. He kissed you sweetly right there in the middle of the field.

His lips were gentle against yours, tasting like mint chapstick and desperation and home. It was chaste yet devastating — a promise, a claim, and an apology all at once. The kind of kiss that screamed, “I’m here, I love you, and I'm never letting go.”

When he pulled back, he stayed close, nose brushing yours and breathing you in like oxygen. Your family had laughed brightly, your friends cheering you on knowing how important his presence was to you.

Beyond your close circle of special people though, there was definitely a bigger crowd watching. Somebody gasping while you could hear squeals in the distance.

But Jongseob only rested his forehead against yours afterward, smiling so brightly you thought your chest might burst, eyes crinkling with sweet joy and relief.

"Hi," He whispered, just for you.

"Hi," you whispered back, laughing through fresh tears.

"Congratulations, baby. You did it."

"We did it." You touched his face gently, thumb brushing his cheekbone. "You helped me through so much from miles away. I couldn’t do this without you.”

"That’s what I’m here for.” He promised. "I’m yours. Always."

By the time photos hit social media that night, neither of you bothered hiding anymore.

Especially when every picture captured the same thing so clearly anyway: The way he looked at you like making it there was the most important milestone this year and the way you looked at him like he'd hung every star in the sky just for you.

💌 mika’s message! HAPPY GRAADDDD SEASSONNNN!!! everybody congratulate eni now. i’m proud of my girl ok? airing out her business lowk but idgaf. HEHEHEHEHE been a min since i wrote straight up fluff too. i’m ngl ive had this in the works since monday, i just got to work deadass during my shift in the fitting room so :P derp idk. ok bye ily.

What was once a fairy tale turned out to be your worst nightmare. The type of one that you didn't wish for your worst enemy: nights with no sleep, crying sessions that led to you literally passing out…

When you first confessed, Jongseob couldn't be more relieved — after all, keeping his feelings to himself for months was hell.

But even with the mutual feelings, both of you never established your relationship. Friends? No. Best friends? Way past that. Friends with benefits? I mean, you kiss and there's some touching but all of that came after the “I love you's" shared late at night.

Although you pretended everything was perfectly fine, the answer was found in the hospital bed with your friends and him by your side. You promised yourself — and Jongseob — that you would never try to do something like that again. But the reason for your stupid impulsive act? He never really asked. But you knew. You knew how much you felt compared to him. Was it your fault, though? Could you really blame yourself for loving so much? — So much to the point of leaving scars along your arms every time he showed a slight change in his attitude.

While you tried to be your best version for him, Jongseob didn't seem to love you at the same level. It was like the initial sparkle was long gone.

You've tried to push him away: excuses for not replying to his texts nor meeting up with him. But what if he found someone better? Someone that was his perfect match? Someone that wasn't insecure and dumb like you? Suffering in silence was the best option. "Communication is the key" my ass.

And why would he act mad when you confront him? Why would he confirm that you are not the most important person to him? Why did he even confess in the first place?

You know Jongseob is a busy man with a busy life, but he claimed you as part of it. So why were you such a burden to him?

It didn't matter how many times both of you discussed: you’d always apologise for disrupting his peace and lock your feelings in a box, way too scared to lose him.

You wouldn't be able to leave and see him moving on with his life. Maybe you just can't live in a world where you suffer with or without him. You pray to whatever entity to drag you with them to anywhere, away from the pain.

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"Hi!" you greet him with a smile, all 47 of your teeth showing.

To say you were excited was an understatement. This was the second time seeing each other since you both returned from your respective campuses, and the first time you would be hanging out. 

Jongseob returned your smile before his eyebrows furrowed. "Since when do you listen to Nirvana?"

"Taesan put me on," you said. He was one of the new friends you made on campus. 

"Oh, but I didn't?" He put a hand on his chest, feigning offense.

Your hands went up in surrender. "My bad, my third eye wasn't opened back then, but I understand it now."

"You're just now unpacking?" he asked as he walked further into the room.

"I don't wanna hear anything out of you, 'cause I know your room looks worse than mine."

"Uh, actually, everything is packed away and my room is clean."

"Really?" In the years you've known him, his room was clean once in a blue moon.

"Yeah," he paused, scratching the back of his neck before mumbling, "my mom stood there until I locked in."

You couldn't help but chuckle at the imagery. "And it worked?"

"Too good, I didn't even notice when she left 'cause I was so locked in."

"Well, you’re gonna have to lock in again." You gesture to the mess of dorm room essentials in your room.

“Well, that’s just not what I came here for.” 

"Well, if you help me, then we can have time to do what you came here for."

During your clean, you both caught each other up with the events in your lives that you hadn't discussed in your weekly calls. You updated him on the lore of your friends and the drama they had the past semester, as well as the drama that went down to make you quit your job.

He updated you on the progress his friends had made since starting a band. He talked about how he almost failed a class because the professor never checked his fucking emails and hid grades. 

After cleaning and catching up for about an hour, maybe two, you decided to stop and continue another day and just hang out with him.

He actually wasn't much help; he just stood there playing with your stuff, occasionally helping you move something heavy or carry things. But the power of body doubling was strong enough that you definitely got a lot done with him there than with him not there.

"Bro," Jongseob said, a hand on his forehead, "are you not hot?"

You giggled. "Yeah, our AC is like fucked up; you can open the window."

Opening the window proved to be useless as it let in warm, still air. "Well, that didn't really do shit."

"Oh, I think we have a fan somewhere." 

When you left to get the fan, he occupied himself with the trinkets in your room. As he examined your figurines and collectibles, he picked up one of your favorites. It was a collectible toy car, one of those expensive, very realistic ones, with working wheels and doors.

Wanting to take a look inside, he pried one of the doors open, and it came clean off, falling on the desk. He gasped, his heart dropped thinking that he broke it. He remembered when you got it; you were so excited nothing could have ruined your mood.

You returned with the fan, and he braced himself for your reaction.

"Um, I think I broke your car..." he sheepishly presented the car and the detached door.

"Hm? Oh, that's been broken." 

Not the reaction he was expecting. He still felt bad, so he offered to fix it for you.

But you just said, "Nah, it's cool, I think it had a good run."

Again, your nonchalance was not at all what he was expecting.

"...You're not gonna have a breakdown?"

You chuckled and plugged in the fan. "I can just buy a new one."

He was shocked at this new view, but if you weren't upset, why should he be?

When the fan is on, Jongseob pulled his shirt over the fan. "Ooh, yeah, now that's what I'm talking about."

You playfully shoved him to the side. "You're hogging all the air."

He walked back to sit on your bed while you positioned the fan to face the both of you before joining him. "I kinda don't wanna go outside this summer. It's gonna be so hot," he said.

"Yeah, but at the same time, we need to make up for all the time lost, so we should go out."

"I agree."

"We should do something..." you gesture with your hands in a curve motion.

"Something..."

"I don't know, something interesting to say for icebreakers when we go back; something that will make our peers think we're so cool."

"What? Like, skydiving?" 

"You're forgetting there's a wealth gap between us."

"Wealth gap is crazy; just get a job, bro."

"Uhn-uhn, not this summer. I've got the rest of my life to work."

"Right, right. Oh! Lowkey, I was thinking we go to Summer's Peak this year, but I don't know if that's interesting enough for you."

Summer's Peak Festival was a festival that his family and yours went to almost annually growing up. But in recent years, a combination of being car-less, broke, and/or busy working kept you and him from going to the festival.

"Yes! We're definitely going this year. We need to make the most of these three months."

He grimaced.

You sat up to look at him. "What's that face mean?"

"Well, I'm studying abroad for fall semester so, we really have until mid July." 

You gasped. "What? This is— we gotta unpack this." You probably shouldn't have been surprised since he has expressed interest in studying abroad in the past but you didn't know he was actually going to do it so fast so soon. "First, oh my god, you're studying abroad and I didn't know? Second, you mean we only have like two months together?"

"Come on, it's not like I'll be gone forever; I'll be back in... November." 

"November..." you repeat in an exasperated tone. "Well, now we really have to make the most of the time we have."

"Don't worry, two months is plenty of time."

Being apart for four months and having to make it up in half the time was saddening. On top of feeling sad, you felt kinda shitty for feeling sad because you knew he was excited. 

"So, where are you going?" You asked because you knew he wanted to talk about it.

"Spain. I'm excited, but I also don't really know anybody I'm going with."

"Hold on, you speak Spanish?"

"Yeah, I know ¿dónde está el baño?" he gave you a smug look like he did something.

"Buddy..."

❀❀❀

Under the leaves of a big tree, you and Jongseob laid on the gingham patterned blanket in true picnic fashion. After eating lunch (breakfast for Jongseob) you both felt like lazing around before attempting to do any activities. 

The full green leaves of the tree provided shade from the hot rays of the sun. Families playing with their children, teens hanging out, and the people zipping down paved paths on skateboards, roller skates, bikes, and scooters made the park feel even more alive. 

"What if a bird shits on me right now? What would you do?" Jongseob asks out of the blue, his arm over his face.

You briefly look up from the mobile game you were playing "I would laugh."

"You're a horrible friend."

Like clockwork, something dropped from the sky onto your blanket. 

You gasped, sitting up because it fell close to where your hand was resting. "What the fuck, you jinxed it."

"That's your karma." He laughed.

"This is your blanket, by the way,” you said, and his face dropped. 

"That reminds me of the time a kid sneezed on me on bus, boogers and snot just on my sleeve, and Leehan laughed so hard when I told the story, whole time, it was his jacket I was wearing."

Jongseob chuckled. "Which one is Leehan again?"

"The fish expert. Best friends with Taesan," you said. "Oh em gee, did I ever tell you how they almost stopped being friends because Taesan lost his phone and thought Leehan was lying about not having it?”

You go on to tell the story and talk about other shenanigans that you and your friends got into the past semester, and he listens. 

His responses come less than usual, but you figure he must be tired; he was still asleep when you came to pick him up earlier in the afternoon, sprawled on his bed with his phone and PS5 controller in the sheets next to him. 

A trio of skateboarders passed by and Jongseob gasped, "You know that one skate park by the beach? We should go." 

"Oh my gosh, yes! A road trip to the beach?"

He nodded eagerly. "Yeah, and then we'll meet people on the road."

"And then they'll tell us their life stories," you added.

"And we'll learn lessons from their stories," he added.

"Then we'll get to the beach."

"And swim some, stroll some."

"Then when we get to the park and meet the skaters—"

"They'll tell us their life stories,"

"Exactly, and then they'll teach some tricks and we'll skate into the sunset."

"This summer's gonna be a movie."

JUNE

Jongseob had a free weekend for what seemed like the first time that summer. He was excited to hang out with you that he declined hanging out with his friends.

That same weekend, Oscura, the best live music venue in town, was hosting a mini music fest. On impulse, he bought the two of you tickets to the show; he automatically assumed you'd be down since you enjoy live music and you had gone to past similar events at Oscura a few times together. 

He texted to tell you about the tickets.

j: are you free saturday👀?

y: i went to the beach with friends😛 be back monday!!

j: ah ok, have fun!

He realized the error on his part. Maybe he shouldn't have bought the tickets without confirming that you would be free first. But he couldn't help but feel a hint of duplicity on your end.

He wasn't upset at you for going to the beach (without him); he just wished you had told him before he got the tickets. 

❀❀❀

You were in the backseat of Taesan's car with Jiwoo and Sullyoon. The car was quiet save for the conversation about looking forward to going back to school between Leehan and Taesan. Jiwoo and Sullyoon were asleep on either side of you, using you as a pillow. The beach had exhausted everyone.

You were going through people's stories on Instagram. Most were your friends posting about the beach trip. Others were people you knew from high school or people who went to your university posting slices of their lives. 

Jongseob's story popped up. The first was a close friends story that showed a 0.5 back camera selfie of him and a girl in front of the open hood of his car with the caption "why tf don't ppl carry jumper cables anymore?? now we're stranded." 

The following posts were collages of pictures and videos he took of artists playing at a very-familiar-to-you venue.

You recognized the girl as his coworker. You had met her once before when you visited Jongseob's workplace.

The like you gave the post did not reflect your feelings at all. 

Why did he go with her and not you? Do coworkers go to concerts together? Are they even just coworkers now?

Whatever. You didn't care.

❀❀❀

Jongseob's car battery had died completely, and he was car-less for a moment. He had asked you to pick him up after his shift, so you were on your way.

The shop he worked at was a used books and records shop. It was filled with secondhand books, games, consoles, records, albums, etc., and gave a sort of retro nostalgic vibe. Sort of like it was stuck in the late 2000s or early 2010s. You, personally, thought it needed an upgrade.

You spotted Jongseob in one of the aisles, putting books from a cart to the shelves. His infamous coworker was next to him, and you hate to admit it, but it affected you negatively.

"Hey," you said, to make your presence known. It was more directed at him, but Eunchae gave you a little polite smile. To not seem like a bitch, you returned it.

"Hey, you're a little early. Gimme, like, 10 minutes?" He said.

A man came up behind you and said, "Excuse me, are you here to buy something? No? Then find something to buy or leave." 

"The fuck is his problem?" you asked when the man left.

Jongseob scoffed. "Swear, someone is always pissing in his cereal. He's not even managerial level."

"He's a dinosaur egg," the coworker said. It seemed a non sequitur to you, but it had Jongseob struggling (and failing) to hold back a laugh. 

"Mesozoic," he added on to the joke.

The feeling you felt was something familiar, like trying to walk on a sidewalk as a trio, but there was only space for a duo. 

You didn't stop thinking about the moment even in the car, when it was just the two of you on your way home. 

"Oh, can I get aux?" he asked, but he was already reaching for the cord. "I'm gonna put you on to a band that played at Oscura; I think you'll like them; they're called The Six."

"Like Daisy Jones?"

"Who's that?" 

"Never mind." Taesan would have got that reference. 

You tuned him out as he went on about the band, while your already down mood soured; and apparently it showed on your face because he asked, "you good?"

"Headache."

Maybe you and him were on completely different sidewalks.

❀❀❀

You laid on your stomach on Jongseob's bed, all your attention on the game of Fall Guys, while he sat against his headboard, deep in his head. 

As you played in the race, he looked at you, thinking before breaking the silence. "Lowkey, you never told me about your beach trip."

"You never asked," you said, quite frankly.

The blunt nature of your statement caught him off guard. Yes, it was true, but normally, he wouldn't have to ask; you would've just told him.

"I'm asking now," he offered.

"It was good," you said, your attention still on the screen.

That's all you had to say? No crazy stories about the shenanigans you and your friends had got into? 

He would be lying if he said he ever found the subject of your friends interesting; he didn't know those people, nor were they of any importance to him, but you seemed happy talking about them, so he let you. Though, he would sometimes tune you out, offering you reactive facial expressions and the occasional yeah's and uh-huh's.

But to be completely silent like this was worrying. He would rather hear you go on and on about something he didn't care for than have you feel you can't talk to him about anything.

He waited for you to say more, but all that followed were the sounds from the game. "That's good."

"Yeah."

There was no denying that the energy between the two of you was different. He tried his best to ignore it, but it was literally the elephant begging to be addressed. 

Your phone vibrated with the oncoming call of group Facetime. The quickness with which you discarded the controller to pick up your phone was... jarring, like you were waiting for an escape. 

There were only two other people on the call; the boy he recognized as Taesan and a girl he didn't know.

"Where are you at? That does not look like your room," the girl asked you.

"I'm at Jongseob's."

"Woah, the man, the myth, the legend," Taesan said.

"Is he there?" the girl whispered into their mic.

"Yeah, you wanna say hi?"

She gestured at you no, yet you still turned the screen to Jongseob, forcing your friend to say hi. "Oh em gee, hey!"

He returned the greeting with an awkward "hi." 

He didn't know how to feel about you talking to your friends about him because he had done the same. Though, the laughter and snickers that came out of your phone's speaker did not make him feel good. 

He played the game for you, struggling to keep up with the race, as you and your friends made plans to go clubbing. 

"Yo, me and Leehan are going to the flea market soon; do you wanna come with us? Wait— is that ok?" 

"Oh, you will be seeing me there." You sat up and began to gather your things.

You were leaving? Were you and him not in the middle of hanging out? What happened to making the most of summer?

As you walked through the door, the tension in his body released.

❀❀❀

"You're coming back Sunday, right?" you asked Jongseob for confirmation. 

He nodded.

His friends were having their first performance, opening for another band, and he was driving up to his college town for the weekend to support them.

"And then you're back to work." A sigh escapes you as you fall back on your bed.

He shook his head. "I took Monday and Tuesday off, but I'm going somewhere with Eunchae on Monday."

"Serious?" You sat up with a wrinkle between your eyebrows and your lips downturned. 

His eyebrows furrowed in the slightest. "Yeah, she's taking me somewhere. Don’t know where—"

You stood up then, looking down at him. "What the fuck? You're going out with her again?"

"Yes.” His answer came out a little sharper than intended. “Is that a problem?" He was going to tell you that she offered to take him out to repay him for taking her to Oscura, but your reaction told him you didn't deserve the explanation.

"I don't know, dude, you tell me."

"Okay..." he adjusted to plant his feet on the floor, "so you can hang out with your friends, but I can't?" 

You huffed. "I didn't say that. I'm saying that this whole summer, we've been saying 'oh we need to go out, we need to go out', and as soon as you're free, you wanna go out with Eunchae. You know I like live music, but you went to Oscura with her. How do you think that makes me feel?"

"I know you like live music, that's why I got the ticket for you, but you went to the beach, and I wasn't gonna let the ticket go to waste." He felt the uncomfortable heat of anger spread throughout his body. It felt like he was containing something that wanted to burst out of his chest.

"You could've resold the tickets," you shrugged indifferently. 

Your audacity was laughable. 

“Oh my god, you cannot be serious," he scoffed.

"I'm so serious, you could've resold the tickets and bought new ones when we were both free."

"So, I'm just supposed to wait until you're free to have fun?"

You throw your hands in the air in exasperation. "That is not at all what I am saying. Like, aren't we best friends? 'Cause I'm starting to feel like a second choice," you explained as you paced your room.

How dare you brush him aside to go hang out with your friends and then say he was the one overlooking you. He was sweating now. "You're only starting to feel like a second choice because you've made me the second choice."

"What?" The way your face scrunched up, one would think he accused you of spending all his life savings.

He folded his arms across his chest. "Did we not plan to go to the beach? Yet you went with other people."

"Well, it was a spontaneous trip that they planned."  

"Okay. But did you not just up and leave in the middle of us hanging out? Literally the last time we were together?"

"We weren't doing anything special."

"So what if we weren't doing anything special; you still left me for them." The air was heavy between you. "And I'm not saying that you can't be with your friends; I just need you to understand that I'm still here, and I would like us to spend more time together. I even don't care if we spend that time lying around doing nothing." 

He guessed his words held some weight because you went silent after that. But he felt he said his piece, so he got up and left.

JULY - AUGUST

Jongseob knew it was coming, the end of your friendship. Even before the argument.

It seemed you had found your people. The friends he had made and the friends you had made seemed to be in different worlds.

Though you would deny it, you changed a lot within the past year. You listened to Nirvana, when back then, you would skip any Nirvana song that came on his playlist. You liked things you disliked in the past, and you felt indifferent to some things you used to like. You didn't tell him every single thing anymore.

He didn't think it was a bad thing; people grow and change all the time, even he has. But it was clear the both of you were growing into different bubbles.

He laid in his bed, Frank Ocean's Blonde playing through the speakers. It was one of the albums you introduced him to. At fifteen, the only thing of substance was how the album sounded; he didn't really relate to or understand the lyrics; it was just vibes. But at nineteen, he knew more, he understood more, he had seen more, he had experienced more. And the lyrics hit closer to home.

Time flies, and things really do begin to blur as one gets older, and everything changes, and you either make peace with it or struggle with the reality.

When "Godspeed" played through, he felt a hurt he had never felt before. It was as if Frank Ocean made that song specifically for the moment Jongseob was experiencing. 

He had to let this go; it was what was best for the both of you. He had accepted that this was most likely the end of your friendship, but that didn't mean it hurt any less.

He wondered if you still listened to Blonde. Did you even listen to Frank Ocean anymore?

❀❀❀

Summer’s Peak Festival was as lively as ever. Groups of people littered the lawn, on blankets and chairs; the buzz of conversation; the heat of the sun; the latest pop music playing on the speakers before the live artists came on. 

It was hard to appreciate it in full when all you could think of was how much more fun it would be with Jongseob, despite being there with your friends. To simply say you missed him would be a severe understatement.

It had been three weeks since you last spoke to him. The events of that day had not stopped replaying in your mind. The things that were said and the things that should have been said had left you restless. Were you a bad friend? What did this mean for your relationship? Was this the end of your friendship? 

He was the number one person you would go to if you had any problems, but if he was part of the problem, then what could you do? 

"Isn't that Jongseob?" Taesan asked, pulling you back down to Earth.

Your heart dropped just at the mention of his name, and with how fast you turned your head, you might have gotten whiplash. Sure enough, there he was with Eunchae and three other people you didn't recognize, laughing amongst themselves.

A flurry of emotions tumbled in your spirit; jealousy, happiness, melancholy, but most prominently, yearning. The way your chest tightened, it was as if your soul was reaching for him to prevent him from leaving completely. It hurt so bad.

In hopes of ameliorating your friendship, you decided to go talk to him. Halfway there, you thought that maybe it wasn't a good idea and almost turned back around, but his eyes fell upon you, and like you had been caught stealing from the cookie jar, you froze. Your heart jumped, and the heat of anxiety spiked through your body. The way his smile faded made you want to sink into the ground and die.

He said something to his friends before meeting you where you stood. 

You muttered your awkward hi's and stood saying nothing.

“You dyed your hair.” You pouted a little, bummed that you weren't there for the process and the initial reveal.

He ran a hand through his silver-blue hair. “Yeah.”

"Looks good."

"Thanks."

More silence between you.

“You’re leaving Sunday?” You asked. Anything to ease the painful, emotional discomfort between you.

“Monday.”

You nodded. “Text me when you get there?”

He nodded. “Sure.”

One of his friends called out to him, gesturing and telling him where they were headed.

You felt you were keeping him from his friends, so you wrapped up the conversation (if you could even call it that). “Talk soon?”

His eyes briefly trailed away before he nodded. “Okay.”

As you walked away to rejoin your friends, you missed that he watched you for a second or two too long, his eyes rheumy.

He never texted you. 

You never texted him either. 

That was the end of your summer with Jongseob. And the end of your friendship.

It didn't really hit you until classes started again. During icebreakers, when asked how you made your summer count, you could only think about how you barely spent time with Jongseob, like you said you would, before he left for Spain.

Maybe you were a shitty friend to him.

The summer was too short. And time blew past you like harsh winds. And you missed him so much. But even when he came back, things would never be the same.

Why did time have to be so cruel and unforgiving?

yeah, it might be your own insecurities weighing you down and making you overthink, but was it really?

tonight had been no different. it was your anniversary date — yet your table was still hidden from all eyes.

you had put on your prettiest dress, matched it with your prettiest jewerly, you had even spent hours on doing your hair as perfect as possible.

yet he still kept you hidden.

—

jongseob notices something being off when you don’t even do so much as to look at the dessert he ordered for you two to share. he thought it would be a romantic idea to do, and he knew you loved when he did romantic things for you.

jongseob takes a deep breath, gently reaching his hand over the table to rest it on top of yours. ”what’s wrong?” he asks.

you swallow thickly, not looking anywhere near him.

”talk to me, angel,” he whispers softly.

”are you embarrassed of me? you don’t want people to see me? is that why you’re hiding me from others? why you always get us a table from a hidden spot?” you blurt out, finally lifting your gaze to look at him.

”no, it’s.. wait what?” he stammers. ”you think i’m embarrassed to be seen with you?”

you nod, feeling a lump form in your throat, tears already threatening to fall. he notices this, quickly cupping your face to wipe your tears with his thumbs.

”baby, that’s not the case at all. i thought you knew why i did this,” he says softly.

”what do you mean?” you ask, voice shaky.

”i’m sorry, baby, i should’ve explained it to you. i love taking you out, you know, and i want to be able to do it as normal as i can so.. this is just a safety caution,” he speaks, softly. ”i would show you off all the time if it wasn’t dangerous.. because with my job being what it is, i can’t put you in danger by showing you off. the ’fans’ can be crazy, you know?” he frowns slightly.

you look down again, not buying it. you can’t help the thoughts from coming up. would he hide a skinny girl like this?

”baby, look at me,” jongseob murmurs. you lift your gaze up at him.

”i love you, you know that, right?” he says softly. ”i love all of you. i’m not trying to hide you because i’m embarrassed of you, because i’m absolutely not embarrassed. i wish i could show you off, hype you up to everyone but… i can’t. for your safety, and for my safety, this is what i have to do. and i’m sorry for that.”

”what if i was skinny?” you ask quietly.

”oh, sweetheart,” he sighs softly, caressing your cheek. ”it’s not about your weight or anything like that. i’d have to do this, no matter what you look like, i’d have to keep you safe.”

your tears start flowing freely, and he quickly gets up and rushes to the other side of the table to pull you in a comforting embrace.

”you mean the world to me,” he whispers. ”i like you, all of you. your body, too, all your curves, your softness, i love it all.”

he holds you close, rubbing circles on your back gently.

”let’s go home, alright? i want to make you feel loved,” jongseob whispers softly.

-

jongseob holds your hand as he guides you to his dorm room. he grabs a few snacks as you walk through the kitchen.

”go sit on the bed, okay? i’ll get you something more comfortable to change into,” he says softly, closing his door after you both.

”your clothes won’t fit me,” you mumble.

”i bought clothes as a present for you. and i’ve worn them every once in a while so they have my scent. i ruined the surprise now but i have more surprises coming,” he says, giving you a pile of clothes.

he moves behind you to help you unzip your dress. ”this dress is nice,” he hums as you slip it off.

he takes in your naked form, letting his eyes travel on your body. ”beautiful,” he whispers.

”i’ll go get you a pair of clean underwear. you left some here last time and i thought i’d wash them and keep them here just in case,” he explains, slightly embarrassed.

he pulls you to the bed with him after you’ve changed into the more comfortable clothes he provided.

”i thought we could watch a movie and cuddle to sleep. how’s that sound?” he asks softly.

”sounds nice,” you respond.

he leans back from the embrace, looking into your eyes.

”do you want a kiss?” he asks. you nod.

he complies, gently cupping your face with his hands and pressing his lips on yours. the kiss is soft and sweet, and he tries to pour his love and affection to you through it.

he gently licks your bottom lip, asking for permission to slip his tongue in your mouth. he does just that as you let your mouth slightly fall open, softly exploring your mouth with his tongue.

the kiss breaks as you both have to come up for air. he nuzzles your nose with his, smiling softly.

”i adore you,” he whispers. ”you mean more to me than you know, but i’m going to make you so aware of all the love i feel for you.”

”i adore you too. i love you,” you whisper back.

he leans in, peppering your face with soft kisses, making you giggle.

”there it is, that adorable giggle of yours,” jongseob grins, his snaggle tooth peeking out.

you smile, and he swears his heart is about to burst from loving you so much.

he never thought he could love someone so much — but he’s glad he can. and he’s glad it’s you.

~~~ a/n: i haven’t written in so long my skills are nonexistent now..!! wrote this because as a chubby girl i never ever see any writing for us, everything’s always made for skinny girlies (who i very much love too!!!) so i decided to give our chubby seobie stans some love too! plus i’ve been feeling soo insecure lately and i need my seob to hype me up