ᥣᥙz

You didn't leave your body any time before you shrunk down your door. You could've hidden under your blanket like a little kid, but the fear of reoccurring attacks made you paranoid. It made you afraid of what you caused by being you.

You, just you existing the way you are. A living flesh they created and try to mold into something you can't be. It's not like you never tried to yourself, but every turn you take for that goal just leads you into darker, more sinister alleys you have burned inside your mind forever.

But regret washes over you now that you're alone. You should've just agreed with them, don't let it become such a big thing, but you're too stubborn for that disrespect. Another thing your parents seem to hate. God, why couldn't you just do what they wanted you to do?

Why can't you just meet their expectations? Heck, that's all they care about, so it must be easy, right? Oh, who are you kidding with these stupid questions? Your parents expect, but they never show you the way. They have no reason to be pissed at you not succeeding and actually finding your place.

But the looks, the disappointment that grows inside you two when you see and hear their disagreement. You don't want to disappoint them, you love them, after all. You're their child, and children need their parents more than parents need their children. Apparently, though, after all, your parents manage to show you just how conditional their love seems to be.

How you wish you could be like that. Be more conditional when it comes to the bullshit they pull while you still love them. You can swear, you can scream, you can try and hate them all you want, but deep inside, you still cling to them because they were the first act of love you knew.

All you want right now is for all your thoughts to stop. All these problems you try to untangle inside your head make you ill, they will make you insane. But you continue to think you will always continue to think about something so important to you.

But you don't want to, you don't want to.

And then your phone lights up. A message from Theo. As if he could sense your ache for escapism. Though his message didn't align with the moment entirely. Just a simple link to a TikTok he found funny. At least you think so, you don't really have the strength to open the TikTok. So your eyes glanced at the screen with your tears falling from them.

You couldn’t stay here, you couldn’t stay like this. Your desire to wash off this melancholy became stronger the more you had your eyes on his profile picture. Such a silly picture at such happy times. You took a deep sigh before moving your fingers to text him.

Though you never waited for his answer, you were too self-absorbed to wait anymore. You can‘t handle this sadness anymore, you need to be told that it‘s fine. You can tell it to yourself all over again, but it will never come to the same equation as the words others could tell you. What Theo could tell you.

Your hands opened your window, and for once all your childish fears of heights disappeared. The room you were leaving behind for this night seemed so peaceful despite all the hate it's surrounded by. How you hated the fact that your parents painted your once so dear home in such a way.

You just want to forget it, at least for this night.

Your breath became more rapid, but you didn't feel any nervousness reaching your head. You counted down before taking the steps to get on the grass. All your care about your parents finding out disappeared within seconds. You were long gone from the point of actually trying.

It just hurts so much to feel that conditional love reeking inside your parents hearts.

The cold air that met your face as you ran towards Theo's house made you feel a bit more alive. More alive for yourself than for your parents expectations. But it still hurts so much. You always tried pushing it down, always claiming it was nothing important, but now, now it seems so close to getting out that even your body wanted to vomit.

“Y/N!“ A voice called out that you recognized immediately. Theo, your dear Theo standing in front of you. How did he know where you were? You didn't tell him to come for you. Now regret meeting you, as you saw his worried face. “Taeyang“ You quietly whispered, and Theo could feel your anxiety, your melancholy, and your disappointment all in one.

He always knew what your parents wanted you to be, and even the thought of them treating you badly makes him ill. As if he wants to hit them over and over again. But with you being in front of him, he knew that your well-being was his most important task now. His body moved forward and quickly wrapped itself around you, squeezing you enough and never too tight.

“It’s okay“ You could comprehend his words, take them for granted if needed, but not one muscle inside your body believed it all of a sudden. Now that he was near, now that he could give you some relief, your whole body rejected your self-made justifications. Theo could feel your shaking head against his body, his squeezing became more.

“Please, Y/N, it's okay. I'm here now, cry your heart out as much as you can” But wasn't crying the thing you did continuously from your room to him now? You can cry all you want, though in this dire situation, you need him to hear you.

For someone to hear you for once.

If your parents can't do it, then someone else can. You forced your head out of his grip and looked at him, trying your best to keep it together for these few words. “It's tiring, Tae, I can't fucking do this anymore.”

Your devestating, no grievous face made his skin bloom with goosebumps. Seeing you so made him feel terrified, so much it could make him ill. Theo's brain only comes to one conclusion, and that is to make you feel truly okay.

His hand reaches your cheek, and his thumb gently wipes away your tears. “I know, and it's okay. You're with me now. You're not home anymore”

Slowly, as you two made it to his house, you wrapped yourself around that reality and your mind silently calmed down. At least to a level where you could talk without breaking down every single time.

Theo could see your hanging legs from down under as he grabbed a bottle of water. “Is my garage hood comfortable for trauma sessions now?“ Though his tone was still caring, you couldn’t help but weakly chuckle because of that soft sarcasm returning. You shrugged but watched as he got on the hood himself. “Do you really want to talk about it? Like go deep into the details, or is that too much?“

You were silent for a bit, letting the dark surround you once more as you thought about it. Talking about topics like your home life tends to end with you just straight up exploding and feeling shame about it afterwards, but you were dying inside. Dying because nobody knows about it as much as you do. Theo is surely someone you can trust, if anything, he’s the person who knows the must, he must understand you. He just must.

“What can I say that you don‘t already know? I’ve done things like I was asked to, and then they got mad, which then resulted in them just exploding all of a sudden. They threw stuff around me, they badmouthed me, and overall just made it clear how much they hate me.“ Theo could only watch as you began to unravel everything that they said in more detail, and every single comment made him feel lighter. Though not in a good way.

“I feel conflicted, to be honest. I don‘t- I can‘t- It just sucks not being able to have a safe space at home at all times. I hate having to pretend to submit to my parents, even though they are the ones that should be my safe space. I just want it to stop before I make myself stop“

And there you said it. That one thing that hung in the air all the damn time. It wasn’t like your hopes of them stopping were massively decreasing by the second, it was just that your resilience was slacking. The more you lose it, though, the more it becomes clear how much you could not live with it anymore. And if your resilience was gone, so was your way to live.

“What the fuck are you talking about Y/N“ Your eyes went to look at him and regret washed over you. He was completely taken with your admission of your plan B. He blinked more, his hands hovered in the air, so close to touching you but rejecting it at the same time. “This is literally the worst outcome you could choose for yourself“

He finally took the courage to put his hands above yours, and his eyes became more focused. In a way or two, you suppose it‘s the changing atmosphere that makes you feel like it is. But, you listened, and you deeply thought about what he was saying.

“You taking your life would keep you in that cage, forever bound to their expectations. You need to escape it, you need to fight against it to truly make it stop. I mean, I don't know what there is after death, but if there is a consciousness, then it surely will always remain at that stage where you’re not free enough to find peace.“

This wasn’t a desperation to let you stay alive for him thing no, he was desperate to keep you alive for yourself. Jesus, these thoughts were just something casual for yourself, but now that you were met with a reaction, you felt yourself becoming more grounded. And in a perverted way, also more hopeful.

“But it‘s hard to fight against something you love“ He got closer, and anxiety flushed through your body. From mind to your feet. “Y/N“ He said softly and as quietly as he could. Your devastating expression became worse with your resilient nodding. “If you really want to be you, then you need to get through it.“

“But what if-“ He quickly interrupted you by squeezing your hand. Normally you would be able to ignore that, but now you're on full alert, all your nerves go through the roof at the same time. “You won‘t do it alone, alright? I‘m here, I‘ll listen, and I‘ll even fight your parents for your serenity“

Laughter was heard from you, and he could feel your breath on his face, which resulted in him laughing as well. He wasn’t sure if it was out of pure entertainment or a mix of that and relief, but he didn't care as much. You were laughing. What's greater than that in the moment you two share? Besides the obvious points, of course.

Though, as the laughter dampened, you two shared one last look before your eyes went to look at the garden in front of you. Or the yard, you could never tell those parts of a garden apart. “You’re okay?“ He asked, filled with the most generosity you could ever expect from anyone. You took a deep sigh before nodding. “I guess I am now. But perhaps it’ll change once I'm at that fuck house again“

But your sake? Your forsaken sake that seemingly wasn’t his responsibility at all? He’d seen it, he felt it all over his body. The way you leaned more to get help from your friends, the way you went out of your way to ensure that they were comfortable, and the way you smiled at them like they drew your stars and you drew theirs. Keeho is aware that you give him the same possibilities, the same pleasure with a bit more physical closeness, but did you ever look at him that way?

He never could get the answer to that, too blinded by his obvious jealousy, he supposed. But there was this outweighing of all that he thought he should give you and you should give him that found himself going insane. Every single time you do something outside of him, he feels as if there was nothing worthwhile in this relationship

But the way you looked at him, the way you used to be back when you two were friends, made him believe, just for a tiny second, that this light hasn’t faded. No, it didn’t. The light didn’t fade, it‘s there and he needs to find it. He needs to talk you into giving it to him again.

You could’ve predicted that shit, you could’ve seen the sight that he left in the flat when he told you to come over. The way the atmosphere was colder, more vulnerable with just the light in the kitchen on, it should’ve made you more alerted. But it didn’t. If anything, you were glad to see him, you missed him after all. His sudden absence made you worry a bit, but your friends told you to give him time. Not everyone is ready to talk nanoseconds after it happens like you.

“Keeho! You look lovely“ You greeted him with a tight side hug before going to the cupboard to make yourself something. Keeho could’ve stopped you right there, made you talk right then, but he didn’t. A wave of shame even washed over him. How pathetic of him to feel that way, and even more pathetic of you to simply not pick up the signs. How pathetic of you two to not work it out. But that‘s why he called you over anyway.

“Y/N, can I ask you something?“ His tone in his question made you stop in your tracks for a mere second. A terrible thought erupted inside your head. But Keeho probably mistook his strength for whatever was in that tone of his. You nervously chuckled and let your eyes look at his body. “Spit it out, lover boy“ Your demand was a massive cover-up for your wavering gut feeling, but he seemed to latch onto it.

Great, just great.

“You love me, right?“ His head turned to find yours. Your face was drenched in pure disbelief and disagreement. At least that's what he can see. That’s what he thinks. “Such a stupid question Keeho, course I do“ Your head turned to the cup you pulled out of the cupboard, trying your best to keep up your facade. “Well, why are you treating me less than your friends?“

That made you stop, your eyes staring at your hands wrapped around that cup. His cup in his kitchen. No, he shouldn’t have done that, he shouldn’t have asked you this right here, at his place, not somewhere else! Ugh, not even in your deepest thoughts would you have wanted this to be discussed this way.

“What ya mean by that? Where- when- Jesus just answer the first thing“ Your eyes found his, resulting in you feeling even more worries inside your head. His eyes looked colder, less appreciative of you. Or at least that‘s what your ego thinks. It seemed to be proven correct when a small but hearable scoff escaped him.

“You seem to be more attentive when it comes to your friends. You’re around them more, seek them out more than you do me, and you make me feel like a trophy rather than your partner“ Your anger was being pushed aside no matter how much you wanted to defend yourself. For his sake, you will be there for him. “I see your point, but am I not allowed to seek out my friends as much as you?“

His body stood up from his chair, his eyes focused on your body that was hiding from him. As if you didn’t have any respect left for him to get. “But you don‘t! You don't lean on me at all! You leave me without any duties to do despite that being my job!“

Your silence filled the room, you tried your best to find an answer that would lead you to burst into a fucking fit. But how can you not? He was expecting something from you that you don't need to give to him. His tone, his attitude—you never could imagine that you could feel that much anger inside you.

“You can be glad that you don‘t have me leaning on you“ You muttered, letting your eyes find his for a split second. “But I‘m your boyfriend!“ Your last straw ripped apart inside your head. You could imagine it slowly straining until it stopped being your last glimpse of hope for his sake.

“You expect me to change my life all of a sudden, you become my partner? Is that what you’re insinuating? That you control me? I can decide on my own who I speak to and whom not! You damn control freak!“ Your regret filled your mind, but your heart took over with its stubborn vision. Keeho took a step back when you began approaching him with your finger pointing at him.

“But have you ever thought about how I feel? It’s like you just call me your boyfriend just because! What would others think if they heard of that shit?“

“Just because your fragile masculinity is at risk doesn’t mean that you can bring others into this argument! This is such a non-issue if you fucking think about it!“ You took a second to catch your breath again. Man, even your anger made you breathless. How you hated this outcome, but it was needed. At least that‘s what you tell yourself over and over again.

“For me it isn’t! Why can't you see that you obviously neglect me? What has changed from when we started being friends to now? Why are you treating me less now that we are more than friends?“ His anger turned more into begging. He was getting desperate with finding an answer to your existence in this relationship.

You on the other end went even more quiet. He was right in the things he was implying. But then again, Keeho was the one you always felt the happiest around, the most important around, the safest around, he was all that you needed for you to have the desire to overline friends with partners.

“Y/N, do you even love me? The way you should?“ Your big, raw eyes found his. He saw your own sorrow inside them, but no regret followed his lead. A sigh escaped you before your eyes found the floor. You never wanted to hurt his feelings, but from what you did throughout this argument, it was already done. So you’re allowed to be honest for you two.

“I love you the same way I love all my friends. I‘m basically treating you like one, I guess“ Your body is waiting for an answer from him. Some pleading would’ve been nice, some understanding would’ve been pathetic, but the silence stretched the room wider by the second.

You knew what that meant, you weren’t denying any right or wrongdoing on your part when it came to that, but it sure felt awful. Your hand went to reach for your jacket, your heart beginning to come down. But with your honesty and his silence, you knew it was a dead match. Nothing left to lose, nothing left to do but leave.

“I hope- I- I‘m sorry for doing this to you, Keeho“

Jiung

Your head slung over your arms that cage your senses. You took a deep sigh, trying to get some stimulation from it. But nothing helped, of course, nothing helped. “I‘m going to kill myself if she does that shit even one more time“ You loudly announced without caring how loud you were.

Jiung, who was turning on the kettle to make you a tea, let out a soft laugh. His eyes quickly took a glance at your position before realizing the depth of the situation. “Is it that bad? What has she done this time?“ Jiung sounded too engaged in your little drama for it to be true. But he was completely engaged.

Your head moved a bit up as you gathered enough motivation to do so. “She keeps running back to that asshole, that‘s what she’s doing. It’s like she doesn’t want to exist outside that awful relationship“ Jiungs hands found your shoulders right before he started to massage them. A groan escaped your mouth the second you felt the pain. “Perhaps she can‘t imagine herself outside that relationship“

Your eyes found his, annoyance felt through them. But not towards him or your friend, but rather towards your inept way of thinking a bit selfishly about it. You were tired of trying to help her, but leaving her alone now would make her worse, wouldn't it? Jiung, on the other hand, just smiled at you while continuing.

“But Jesus, she’s so much more than that! She’s kind, clever, and such a good friend! Why is she so damn consistent on-“ You stopped yourself as you saw the answer written all over her. A hum was heard from above, as if he was able to understand your mind. Well, your sudden quietness did in fact give it away. “I just wish I could make her see that relationships are not the bigger picture. Heck, I‘m not a good example, but still!“

His head moved closer to your face to plant a kiss on your cheek. “Are you implying that it would be better if we weren’t in a relationship so you could be a good example?“ Your silence reigned the room for a few seconds before you snapped your head towards him. “Maybe yes! I mean, what are relationships anyway? Just some quick label to oppress us. In a way, we two are also just two best friends who decided to give the other the extra privilege of affection and sex“

Jiung's head nodded eagerly as he tried his best to gather his thoughts. “But I love you more than Keeho, though.“ Your eyes took a glance at him, capturing his essence in them before shrugging. “I don‘t think I love you more than Keeho, I guess I‘m just the most used to you and depend on you more“

Silence rolled after that, but you weren’t a bit frightened. You weren’t afraid of the answer that comes, even if it goes in the wrong direction. You’re too stubborn to actually give that much of a fuck about what someone might think. You know you’re happy in the way you live, so why should you try and have an open ear to the shit some others might want to talk about?

Well, that sounds mean, but you know when to actually listen.

“But why did you then decide to be in a relationship with me if you love everyone equally?“ His eyes were wider, and you could see how much this affected him. You softly chuckled, a smile finding your face before you stood up and let your hand rest on his cheek.

“You inspire me, you motivate me, and you’re such an interesting person. All my friends and lovers get the same love, but none could move me like you do. You’re my best friend, and that's why I also feel safe being in this relationship. Get it?“

Man, you sure could get lost in his eyes, but right now you were actually worried. Worried that you hurt him. But you would be the same with your friends, and maybe that's why he needs that reassurance. And boy, were you ready to give him that. You soon felt his smile against your hand as he leaned in, and your muscles relaxed as well.

“I‘m glad that I could give you that space. I think I choose you for those reasons as well. You just articulated them differently.“ A laugh escaped you before feeling a kiss from him on your forehead. He went away from you to grab the kettle, which brought your head back to the problem from earlier. “Should I kidnap her and force her to listen to a self-made podcast with a bunch of feminist authors' philosophies?”

A snort escaped Jiung as he finished making you that tea. “Sure, but maybe talking to her could also solve some issues she has. Be there for her, I guess“ You debated inside your head if he said the right thing, but your brain exploded in mere seconds just at the amount of thoughts you suddenly had. “I think I‘m too impatient for that“

The tea landed on the table, his subtle plea for you to relax and sit down. “Maybe that means that you’re not ready to take over that position of a helper for her“ His hand moved to your shoulders again after you sat down. “Perhaps you’re right. Maybe I should just let her live and die, I guess“

A laugh escaped him as he went down to give you another kiss. “We both know that I didn't mean it like that“

Soul

Music blasted through your apartment while your roommate and best friend cleaned out their entire wardrobe. Always around spring and always with the same type of music. You, on the other hand, helped them sort the new clothes and the ones they’re sorting out. Slow, quiet in your own way, and so familiar.

It was always just you two. Back in middle school you couldn’t have imagined that you would’ve found someone like them, but when they sat next to you and just talked, you knew that you were done searching for something. You were there when they felt lost, and they pulled you back when you were at your limits with your parents.

A quiet understanding that you two will do everything next to each other was always the way to progress in life. Despite you two being louder when together, you were always calmer when the other roamed around the other.

And whenever you tried to imagine a life without them, without their presence around you on a regular basis and at the same place, you felt empty, not complete in the slightest. So what are you doing? You won‘t let that scenario happen in your current reality.

“Y/N be honest, does that still look nice on me?“ They said, making you turn your head towards them. You were silent for a bit before eagerly nodded. “You‘re giving something I could eat out“ They stopped for a bit, holding the piece of clothing closer to them before giving you the piece of clothing.

“Just so you know, I could eat you too“ They blew you a kiss, which you received more dramatically. “Also, while we‘re talking about food, I was thinking that maybe we could eat some-“ A loud noise interrupted your best friend because someone decided to open the door very hard. Soul took a glance at you two with his most utter condolence. “You‘re okay, mate? Normally you don‘t open the door like a madman“

He chuckled awkwardly as he went to you too. Your friend left their position to quiet the music a bit while you gave Soul a quick peck on the cheek. “I heard ‘eat,’ and I wanted to know what we will eat“ Your friends’ smiles slowly faded, and their heads went to look around the room. Their finger soon pointed aimlessly in the air. “With that music in the air?“

Soul nodded eagerly, which made your friend even more confused. Though, at the sign of the conversation, they decided to throw their confusion away for a bit. “We were talking about what we want to eat today“ Soul nodded once again, now having a smile on his face.

You found it endearing how much your best friend and Soul matched. If they didn't, you would’ve left him in a heartbeat if you were honest. But they did so you didn't think more about it. All you know is that you appreciate the fact that you can have even more love. From your best friend and boyfriend.

Soul wasn’t even perplexed when you told him about your close bond to your best friend. If anything, he was more drawn to you because of that. You were able to see the world and its rules for what they are, and you just left it alone for the people you cared for, not for what people preach for you to need. And when you heard that explanation, you knew he was one to keep.

“Can we eat chicken nuggets today?“ Your best friend was silent for a second before nodding with an outrageous face. “You read my mind, you wonderful, wonderful diva!“ Their hands hovered around his face before they dramatically lowered their head with a pleased look. That was the last straw you needed to laugh.

“You two are definitely something“ You managed to let out at your outburst. Your body lay on the bed, neatly next to the clothing, but you didn’t care, as your happiness was too much to keep inside. You were utterly happy with the situation you were in, with the decisions you made, and with the friendship you helped create.

° But with him taking his time, you‘ll never feel unsatisfied. He doesn’t slow down his kisses while they happen, but he has breaks in between them where he just stares at you.

° Loves staring at you, by the way. Never in a creepy way, just appreciating your overall essence and how you simply exist (reminds me of those moments where you kind of get reminded that you live)

° In those times when he's raw and slow with you, he has his hand on your face like constantly. He doesn't need to cuddle or something (he rather much wants to see your face), but having something of you near his skin is still needed.

° He isn't all that big on physical affection, but he never shies away when you insinuate it.

° A hug from you from behind? He is putting his hands on yours. A kiss on the cheek? He's giggling for a short second

° Cuddling with him tends to happen when you two go to bed or are near it. Not that he hates them, he just likes the intimate feeling of it when its quieter

° But one thing Keeho excels at, where his most affection lies, is in his words towards you or about you.

° He loves talking about you to other people! He doesn't even need to be heard or seen by you for him to spread his love for you in the world. There is just something so beautiful about you that even others need to see it.

° That doesn't mean, however, that he never talks about you in front of you. He's even worse with his compliments and notions when you're there. Every single thing you put passion into is suddenly the biggest thing for him. Keeho is composed while you do it, all just to not distract you, but once you're done, he's ringing in your ear with all the compliments he can come up with.

° He's even detailed with his compliments! He goes into depth about your steps and how well thought out they were because of this or that reason while you just sit there completely overwhelmed

His reaction

° Nonchalant suddenly entered the chat, and it's staying until the room contains only you two

° But on a real note, he is not gonna giggle too loud or return the favor to the extreme if other people are around you two. Keeho doesn’t hate the eyes of others staring you two down, he is an idol, for God's sake, but he just doesn’t want people to be too uncomfortable with getting affection from others forced down their throat.

° Internally, however, he’s giggling and twirling around like a little kid. Just imagine a bunch of tiny Keehos jumping all around while the world around them is fuzzy. That’s what goes on inside his head.

° You kissing him makes him smile. You gifting him something makes him drown in compliments. You hugging him makes him relax. But he never goes over the top with showing his gratitude

° In private, though? When it's you two or some close friends? He’s more eager to return the affection

° You kissing him makes him kiss you back while giggling, you gifting him something results in him pepper kissing you, and you hugging him will give you one back

° He loves affection from you. So much that he doesn’t even have a ranking of it. All of it makes him feel special and so loved. No matter if it's small or big, affection is enough.

° But! Big one! When his brain is playing tricks on him and he’s all sad, your kisses are his common ground to gain back sensibility. His wide eyes stare at you with all that love but mainly admiration. He’s too sentimental to think straight, and you telling him to let it flow with your soft and caring kisses just sends him down the path he needs to be on.

Theo

° Does hitting the thigh softly count as affection? For Theo it does. Not only does he hit people when he’s laughing. He’s also softly hitting you to get your attention.

° A small hit on your hand or shoulder is completely normal for him, and you don't seem to mind it that much, so he doesn’t stop.

° He doesn’t hit you as hard as his friends, though, not because he lacks the respect for them but mainly just because. Theo just did it over the course of your relationship without any real thought.

° His affection doesn’t stop there, though. He’d be pretty stupid to stop right at the tip of the iceberg, wouldn’t he?

° Theo adores to tickle you. Not randomly, he hates that himself—but if the situation is right, he will start attacking you out of nowhere. You can sense it from his little neck kisses he uses to tease his actions, but before you can do anything about it, he’s already moving his hands up and down your sensitive body parts

° He leans more on you. You could be talking or working, and he’d lean his head on your shoulder, waiting patiently for you to turn to him and give him a small kiss. It doesn’t matter to him where or when, as long as he gets it. It's bearable to watch you be so observed.

° His favorite places to kiss you would always be the eyes and lips. Yes, eyes. You just need to close them for him to do it but he does it. One time you asked him why he likes doing it, and he admitted how it felt as if he was the closest with you that way. But the eyes are mostly happening if he’s feeling sentimental as fuck or drunk out of his mind. He needs to be in the right headspace to kiss the most beautiful aspect of your physical beauty (in his opinion).

° Lips, on the other hand, are what he kisses the most. Quick ones, slow and deep ones, and all that is in between. He just likes the feeling of your lips and the fact that you two are. Eyes are just for him to be close to you, but lips connect you two.

° Cuddles with you lying on his chest. It gives you two enough space to do your own thing while still observing the other. While he doesn’t mind being the one on your chest, the other way is what you tend to settle into too.

° He can do cuddles everywhere and anytime, but if he’s doing it for a shorter time and he’s aware of it, expect you two to just sit next to each other and lay each other's head on the other.

° He writes you little letters from time to time when he writes down what he loves so much about you and straight-up compliments you for all the things you did that he found impressive.

° But that doesn’t mean that he isn’t screaming compliments down your throat at the moment. He cheers for you, mostly quiet, he hopes for you, and he celebrates with you. Once you succeed at something, he is the first and last person to tell you how well you did. The letters are just more of an insight into his feelings towards your success. In the moment when you’re celebrating, he turns all his attention towards you.

His reaction

° Might not want to admit it, but he has become too acquainted with your affection to live longer periods without it

° There‘s just something about the way you simply do it that makes him feel so knocked out of life

° A kiss from you is one thing, but the rest? That’s where he questions if he ever was truly in love with anyone before you to begin with

° Theo just feels so at home whenever you do stuff for him, especially just because you wanted to

° Give him something you worked on? He’s close to tears

° Hug him because he feels alone and weirded out by himself? He’s actually crying his heart out

° He‘s utterly moved once you two are an item, and he never, never wants to let go of that feeling. It’s like he felt so new yet so familiar in his skin.

° You don‘t just do stuff for him to be nice, you see him. You love him!

Jiung

° Jiung is a quiet firework, something meaningful for the eyes but not loud enough to make you run and hide.

° He loves you the most with his actions. Making your life easier is a massive aspect he tries to achieve as much as possible. Mainly because he doesn’t want unnecessary work done but also because he simply wants you to live the way he thinks you deserve

° He helps around your house, he helps with work if you want him to, and he listens to you every single time you talk to him or around him.

° He talks to you, indulges in your little world inside your head, and lets you exist. May that be with his help or without it

° Jiung loves forehead kisses the most, giving and receiving. For him it just screams ‘I got you‘. There are times when he needs more than that, but usually the forehead kiss is the go-to. Jiung even developed a sixth sense when it comes to detecting whenever you need one.

° Jiung tends to kiss you more often than Keeho, but he’s definitely not the biggest kisser, again, he’s more of an action kind of lover than a touchy one.

° But that does not mean that he hates it! Quite the opposite. He loves the feeling of your touch on his body, but he also has the need to prove himself worthy of it before anything

° Once he gets over his blockade inside his body, he often just ends up with his head on your chest. He doesn’t even need to have something preoccupying him, as he just wants to breathe you in and out.

His reaction

° Affection from you always feels as if he achieved something great to deserve it. Ties back to his issue I talked about before, but also the feeling of being picked and chosen by you is making it feel like it

° Therefore I feel like he necessarily doesn’t have a favorite type of affection, anything is enough for him to feel that way.

° Kisses from you make him smile ear to ear while wanting to get more but always resorting to giving the decision to you.

° Forehead kisses are his way of grounding himself whenever you are around. He can regulate himself, but if you’re near and ready to help? He’s asking for the forehead kisses. But that‘s the only scenario where he asks for them.

° But then again, your affection is left for you to use. He doesn’t want to force you to do anything

° But whenever he gets affection, he’s smiling, he’s telling you sweet words, and he’s allowing himself to feel okay (Jesus, why is this full-blown angst?)

Intak

° Ah, I know you expect me to say that he loves you like a lost puppy, right?

° Well, he does, I think all of them do, but Intak loves you more with words. I think he’s the one who manages to show you the most of his love with straight-up talking to you.

° He yaps to you about his favorite things while also including you in them. He thinks of you doing things he did, he thinks of you and your opinion of certain things he likes

° Which often leads to dates where you guys just do new things or you do more things

° But that doesn’t mean that he isn’t kissing you like a madman at times

° He absolutely loves doing that. And his favorite part must be every part. There is no real answer, so you can expect nothing when he decides to lean in

° Kisses often happened with him. Once a day makes his heart scream in agony, and 10 times a day makes his head hurt, so he tends to end up with over 40 kisses a day if you guys have the time to kiss.

° He just uses kisses as a compensation for the lack of cuddles. He finds cuddles to be the highlight of love, mainly because you can be seen as one essence but also because he loves your body over his. For him not to have that all the time just pains him, so he needs to compensate for it with something near it. And that tends to be kissing.

° Cuddles are always something where you burn a few calories. Not because you move a lot but because HE moves a lot. He cannot stay still for a long while, or else his body feels weird and icky ( get it dude, totally get it) But because he wants to cuddle with you and have that closeness with you, he still drags you with him. It doesn’t even matter to him how you two cuddle. You could be on his chest, he could be on yours, all is fine with him until his body just decides it's time to change.

° Tells you ‘I love you’ even more than he can kiss you. Over text, in between kisses, especially while cuddling, and always through the TikToks he sends you. He isn't ashamed to tell you, if anything, he feels proud to be able to

His reaction

° Kisses from you? Nah, he’s whipped for nose kisses. The sweet appeal wraps him up in a warm blanket filled with euphoria.

° Often just asks you to give him some with his big brown eyes. But you would’ve given him some without him asking, you just like seeing those eyes giving you all those emotions

° Affection overall just makes him look at you with those wide eyes that are so mesmerising

° Feels a boost of confidence whenever you compliment him. He uses your words as a compass to just get comfortable with himself whenever he can't get to it himself

° Seconds after you compliment him, he just jumps at you and hugs you tightly. Not all the time , of course; he is a human who is socially aware, but when the situation is right, he’s lunging at you.

° If he had to choose his favorite type of affection, it always would resort to him admitting it's physical closeness, but I already explained that point.

Soul

° Oh, he likes to include you in stuff

° Like his life is yours and yours is his. Like inclusion of his S/O is his subtle way of showing his love towards them. The overall thought process must’ve been “I like them so much, I want them to be involved everywhere“. Is it a clever way to show affection? Well, if you think about it, it is sweet

° Soul over all likes to touch you to show his affection but his favorite to do must be cheek kisses. The sweet undertone, the innocent behind it just excites him to keep doing that over and over again until you two feel numb from all the skin on skin touch

° Pepper kisses to compensate his massive cuteness aggression and overall disbelief that he is very much an Item with you

° Kisses on the lips do happen, but if they happen, you usually do them. He isn’t hating them, but he adores over way more. Soul, however, does lip kisses at more intimate moments, more vulnerable moments where you two are at your most barest. Sincere talking while being too close to the other, celebrating a important win. That’s all he needs to kiss you on the lips. If he does them, they‘re also deep and slower because of emotions. Emotions guys!

° Cuddling with being tangled up together. He might switch a few times, depending on his mood or your habits but it often ends with you two being a hot mess

° Also cuddles throughout the day! Not all the time, obviously you two need to live a life but when you two have the time, you cuddle on the couch while one plays a game and the other jumps from one social media app to the other (or whatever people like to do on their free time)

° He isn’t shy to throw in a few compliments out of nowhere. His mind is always wondering and when it lands on you, he tends to think of recent things or overall things he noticed. And he never wants to keep those kind words to himself, so he‘ll just blur them out while you two do groceries or even worse, if you two try to fix your washing Maschine.

° Compliments and kind words come pretty often. He is a observer and if he sees you do something he knows you hold up to a high standard, that boy will scream from the top of his lungs how well you did or will do. Not just to ease your mind but also make you smile (he utterly loves your smile)

° Absolutely adores to make you gift himself. I believe he’s a creative person and he mostly lives it out with making you presents. He sees things, thinks how it would look at your place, on you or if you‘d like them and then he just does them, for you!

His reaction

° He giggles, he’s a giggler

° Every time you show him any kind of affection, he’s making weird sounds close to giggling. He’s just getting so overwhelmed with his own urge to show affection that it results in him giggling his mind out.

° His favorite type of kisses from you are always soft lip kisses. I’ve talked about this before, but his favorite mode for kisses will always be soft ones, but soft lip kisses? Yep, a make-out session in coming

° Hugs from you are the thing he wants the most. He just looks at you, tilts his head, and he gets what he wants. He just feels so at home and needs it to complete his day. If he’s away on tour or something and he can't get that hug, he needs your voice for compensation.

° He always varies with what hugs are his favorites, so the way he expresses his current favorite one is through even more weird noises from him

° You often bait him into making these noises because you like the sound of it so much

° And baiting him into doing these noises often happens through showering him with compliments.

Jongseob

° Jongseob is a lover who wants to exist with you. Therefore, he expresses his affection mostly with quality time. Just you two doing your own stuff while still being in the same space

° But that doesn’t mean that he allows silence to grow over you two. Nah, he’s a yapper, so he’s gonna talk while working, while doing nothing, and while looking over your stuff. He finds it beautiful to have such a connection where he is allowed to just be himself, internal and external therefore he yearns for it the most.

° Since he‘s a bit inexperienced, he has the same favorite kisses as you. Once you two are around 1 or 2 years together, he might lean towards lips, but hold your favorite type to a higher standard.

° Manages to detect your mood from your kisses. If you kiss him somewhere where he normally doesn’t get kissed, he knows you're excited to try something new. He returns the energy immediately.

° Make-out sessions happen the most with him. He is a pile of curiosity and impulsive decisions, and once he achieves a make-out session, he uses them to calm him down.

° Which led to different types of make-out sessions. If he’s kissing your lips the most, he’s trying to compensate for his love for you that's almost spilling over. If he’s kissing your entire face, he's trying to calm you down, and if you need to do most of the kisses, it's the opposite. But if you guys kissed all over the face, then you two are close to taking things a step further.

° But he’s only doing those make-out sessions with your consent. One uncertain expression or word and he’s stopping and resorting to holding you or taking care of you.

° Only cuddles you whenever you guys go to bed. Like that‘s his sign that it‘s time to close his eyes. But how you two cuddle is up to you. Everything is fine with him

° Touches you in other ways throughout the day, though. Hand-holding, hair-twirling, hugs—all of it at least once. He likes to touch you but in light ways that make him feel all bittersweet inside.

° Compliments however…yeah, if you guys don‘t know eachother for a long long time he might feel too awkward to say them often at first. He’s too taken back by your presence and all your good attributes to say understandable words so he resorts to showing most of his love through the actions listed before

° But once he feels comfortable enough, the compliments come rushing in. Every single time you do something, he’s on it

His reaction

° Awkward mess. But a cute one as well

° He is not used to such a thing, but he'll get around it after a few months of dating (or a few months of you simply doing it)

° Jongseob has that low, soft laughter whenever you show him any kind of affection. He often times questions himself if he should’ve reacted differently or should’ve been more direct with his love for your affection, so it results in that.

° But you never complain about it. If anything, you love the way he is reacting. Heck, any reaction is fine as long as he gives you one

° If he had to choose any type of affection he loves the most, it'll always be hugging. Cuddling is his melatonin, but hugging is his rareness.

But you didn’t just disagree with the person with that joke, you actually went out of your way to use force on them. Your fist meeting their face and almost going back for a second time before others stopped you.

But they deserved it, you thought. No, you knew they deserved it. A joke, a half-assed remark, made on the back of others shouldn’t be talked out or ignored. Your gut told you that, and your body acted on it. There was no other way for you to finish that other than a good fist hurting their face.

You never cared about what others would think of you when you did stuff like that. Never once did you have the desire to care about others when it comes to finishing the job. Or whatever your mind tells you your actions are.

Once the other held you back and one fist hit your face, all you thought of was to win this. Your mind was in it too much. You couldn’t disappoint whatever psychology your actions were justified with. Yes, your empathy and your education on certain issues must be a part of it, but not everyone did that and had the need to finish it.

But all of this was lost, a mystery only you can wonder about because both of you got kicked out of the bar. On the way home you told yourself that if the owner knew why, they would understand and kick their ass too, and yet, all of this remains unknown. If there was one thing you were glad about, then it was the fact that neither called the police. You could've, but you were aware of how much the police took claims seriously, especially when you had this broken face.

You held your face and headache together as best as you could as you walked down the street towards your boyfriend's apartment. Right as you caught your breath after getting kicked out, your thoughts circled around him. He must understand he will not judge. At least that‘s what you tell yourself as you walk alone through Seoul. And he could help you get rid of all the stuff you now physically suffer from.

He didn’t take his time after he heard the ring through his dorm, almost as if he could sense your presence through the walls. “Jesus Christ, what on Earth happened to you?“ His slightly trembling hands went to reach your face, trying hard not to make you hitch your breath more than needed. His warm hands sent a contrast through your body, and you could feel the goosebumps forming on your body. Though, as you still needed to answer him, you glanced away a bit. “I got into a fight“

Jongseob was taken aback by your confession. So much that he actually stayed silent, trying to sort this mess inside his mind. He was never aware that someone could actually drive you to get into a fight. Yes, you were louder than most people but never in public. And for you to punch someone? That must’ve been some hell of a ride you were on. “Let’s get you clean, okay?“ He demanded once he unraveled from his thoughts.

His hand went to hold yours, making you flinch slightly. Man, you could’ve used your elbows or something because now your hands hurt unnecessarily. Though, if you hit them with your elbows, you might as well have them hurt too. Either way is amusing for your body. Your mind doesn’t mind, it never does when it comes to things like these, but that might not matter anymore. You’re in his kitchen, you never won or lost the fight, but you were still injured. And you needed to explain the mess to Jongseob.

“Jongseob“ He stops in his tracks and looks up at you. “Do you want the truth or a lie?“ His lips parted for solid seconds, trying to piece together what was left of your stupid question. Of course he wants to know the truth. As if lies get people far, especially in human-to-human connections. His snort filled the room as he turned around again to search for things that might help you. You kept your eyes on him, taking a deep breath before just letting go.

“I was at the bar we tend to go to with my friends, right? And we were talking, but another group was also talking at a hearable distance. Which in itself isn’t bad, I admit that. But after a while, one of them started to make jokes about things you shouldn’t make jokes about“

“What kind of things?“ He asked, putting a few items on the table and letting his hand gently lift your face. It was your cheek and eye that were mostly affected. Something you can't hide from your boss, that is for certain. “Every kind of thing! Immigrants, women, trans people, homosexuals—heck, they even had the time to make weird-ass jokes about children“ He hummed, eyes concentrating on your eye. “The thing that got me to stand up was the random and vile slur drop. Who on earth does that and should still expect not to get punched in the fucking face?“

You kept your glance on Jongseob, trying to see if there’s any piece of disapproval leaking out of him. But there was none, he just kept on working on fixing you. “Are you mad?“ Now that made him look down at you. He even laid his tool away. “Mad? For you to show some madman consequences? Why would I?“ That’s all he needed to say before continuing to work on you. A sigh of relief escaped you.

“I always thought you find it weird that‘s why I kept on behaving myself“ Despite priding yourself on being so educated, you still liked to be liked in the eyes of others that you like as well. But a snort and laughter by Jongseob threw you back. “Behaving yourself? Since when was it good to go with what other people want instead of doing what is right?“

A fuzzy feeling spread around you. There was a flicker inside you that already knew that his reaction would turn out that way. After all, you decided to date him for making you feel lighter on your feet than ever for simply letting you two co-exist, but now, hearing it from him felt even better. “Next time you do that though, don’t let yourself get too hurt. I legit don’t want to feel that pain inside me ever again. Nerve-wracking is a word too poor to cover up the situation I had inside my head“

You groaned after he touched your chin again, mainly because it hurt and partly because you had a remark sitting on your tongue, ready to jump out. “You do talk a lot when you’re nervously worried“ He stopped in his motion to let your remark turn awkward. Or to simply stare at you. You were never quite sure when it comes to him.

“I‘d be a bad person if I didn’t care so much that I become this- well- nervous wreck? Besides, I talk a lot either way“ His hand lowered your head for him to plant a kiss there as a finish to his fixer-upper. “You should be expecting this by now, shouldn’t you“ Your eyes looked into his, your lips pressed together in a defeated smile. You mumbled something agreeing with him before trying to stand up.