#jin network

He nuzzled his forehead at his mother’s wrist, looking up at her, asking for permission if he could speak to you, or respond in any way. His mother twitches her wrist a little to tell him that it’s okay and he can answer, with a small nod and smiling down at him from her eyes. He nodded slowly, no smile, no eye contact-- he was shy. His cheeks turned bright red from having to speak to a complete stranger in a train he took with his mother to recover his toy car.

“Go get it then, and thank the kind lady,” his mother reminded him. Stern and soft at the same time, nurturing. His voice was very audible but his sincerity was loud. He didn’t mean it. He didn’t mean the toys to slip out of his hands. Such a lovely boy. It was a short touch. Barely a second long. But it felt natural. It felt…. Nice.

Rain pattering against the shield of the umbrella. Steps avoiding the puddle in the poorly managed road on this particular side of the city, he huffs in complete dissatisfaction. Somewhere along the platform, waiting for his wife in a padded coat and reddening nose was Kim Seokjin. Puffs of warm air escape his mouth as he shivers in place to fight the cold unforgiving weather. He protruded his lips, eyes scanning around the platform until he found an indicator, a time frame where the train is expected to arrive. He squinted hard at this, provided his poor eyesight that seems to worsen with time and age.

“Another four minutes,” he mentally noted himself. His heart beams at the thought of the food he had prepared at home for her. She’ll love it. It’s her favourite, and maybe would console her a bit after a hard day at work. His only concern is if it’s something that he couldn’t fix. You are a worry wart, and that’s what corners him to his unprecedented despair. Watching you eat became his ultimate joy. And now, it offers a new meaning. He grips tighter into the umbrella handle, anticipating the person he believes to be the one.

The train dings to arrival and as the crowd of strangers leave the coach, he craned his neck and went on tiptoes to find a pair of eyes that knows him. People are ushering out, and chatters went unnoticed. When the crowd dissolves, there she was.

You locked arms with his. Beaming smile at the tall stature of your husband, passing a brush of your lips on his. “What did I tell you…” he spoke, gently and you rolled your eyes to the side.

“Fine, fine. You’re right… you’re always right,” you stepped into the escalator before him and he stood behind you. “Say it in full, I want to hear them,” he hissed, thumbing your hip as a sign of provocation. “I’m not going to say it, and it rained when I got here, not when I left for work,” you glanced over your shoulder at him, with a sheepish smile. “It rained, regardless so say it, say Kim Seokjin is always right,” he pokes your clothed butt cheek, hovering over the shell of your ear. Despite standing behind you on a escalator to the top, he is still very much taller than you are.

“If I say it, will you stop poking my butt, you bully…” “I’m a bully?” he chucks, and, “Listen you ungrateful porridge, I went all the way to fetch you because you didn’t bring an umbrella when I had told you it’s going to rain today, and I’m the bully? You’re the biggest bully in the bully community…” “Kim Seokjin is always right,” you stepped off the escalator and Seokjin had the umbrella opened.

The umbrella failed to shield you fully, your leather pumps splattered with water at once and gawked at your supposedly romantic husband.

“Thank you for bringing tiniest umbrella of all the seventeen umbrellas we have at home… your shoulders take most of the space, Seokjin,” you shook your head, amused. “That was the plan,” he smirked at you. He took your tiny frame inside his padded coat and squeezed you closed enough to warm yourself up. “So I could do this,” an evil smile on his face. “You cheeseball,” you tattered.

Stepping into the house, you dashed towards the tissue box and began wiping Seokjin’s forehead and face.  He takes off his padded jacket and took yours off, “Blouse and slacks too, laundry day today. And then we’ll have dinner.”

In your short shorts, your legs swings underneath the table, waiting for Seokjin to bring over the pot he just reheated for you. The television is showing the news for today, and then there’s a drama right after that you both were following. Seokjin rids of his heat-resistant gloves and washed his hands again at the sink. “Just a little bit for me,” he said, giving you his back while you fill the bowls with soup. You didn’t answer and just did as told. Seokjin rations his food and doesn’t eat much. He doesn’t eat meat fats and was a fan of vegetables; broccolis in particular. He usually have them steamed and poorly salted. Ever since the family doctor told him to watch his sugary intakes, he takes his diet rather seriously.

For awhile, there’s only sound coming from the tv and steel cutleries hitting against ceramic bowls. And then you broke the silence with the story of your day.

“They didn’t update me the official date and screamed at me for not doing it in a timely manner. They also told me I should be doing the overtime because I have no commitments. It’s so unfair,” you mumbled against a spoonful of rice. Seokjin dropped his gaze from the view of your side profile and took another sip of the soup. Unfair, it is. Everyone at work was so self-centred, he had a good dash of it when he was working, too. “...But you’re not the only one who falls in the category. Others are just bullying you because the rest of the interns are great at kissing asses,” he explodes.

“Oh shit, I forgot to get coffee grind,” you cursed, and smacking your forehead. Seokjin heard it, and cleared his throat. He was nervous, but the discussion has been long overdue. “I’d like it if you stop drinking coffee,” he gave you three piece of fried mushrooms and avoided your eyes. “Why so suddenly… is this your way of telling me that I should change my diet? You’re not one to be this intrusive, so I’m going to tell you that you are being intrusive…” you defended yourself. “We are married, nothing is intrusive…” he dragged his tone.

You set the chopstick down, propped your elbows up and laced your fingers together, resting them underneath your chin, framing your feigned smile, “Oh really…”

Seokjin grabbed a glass of orange juice from the side and downed several gulps before he turned to you and told you what he found in the bathroom trash can. From the revelation, you visibly stiffen and lowered your gaze. You went back to eating your dinner.

“When were you planning to tell me?” now he laces his fingers, and leaned on one elbow, peering down at you as you sat on the dining table next to him. He pointed the remote to the tv and muted it. “How long have you been taking birth control pills?” he added, with an accusative tone. He lowered his face so he could see you, “Hmm?”

“I ran out of it a few weeks ago and didn’t restock.” “Why are you taking birth control pills?” “Because…” “We’re married for goodness sake, for five years now, why are you doing this? Do you know how many times I have to come with a reason as to why we’re not having children yet? To my parents? You don’t look like you’re planning to tell me at all.” “I was going to…” “To what? To get rid of it?”

Seokjin’s parents had been asking. They asked why they weren’t blessed with grandchildren yet. He didn’t know that you’ve been taking birth control pills. You didn’t tell him. He went behind you and checked his sperm counts and it was normal, his manhood was normal, and the doctor couldn’t pinpoint why you couldn’t get pregnant. His questions were answered when he saw the empty package of Aubra 28’s in the bin. Along with a used pregnancy stick that showed double line. Indicating a positive.

“Whether or not we’re having children is none of their concerns, Seokjin,” you finished your final bowl of rice and helped clean up. Your hands are busy, picking up dishes, storing the leftovers in a container, stocking them in the fridge, and washing the dishes while Seokjin remains seated on the dining chair. He covered his lips with his laced hands and flickered his eyes to the television screen. Whatever that was playing on them, doesn’t register in his head. Because clearly, there was a bigger discussion at hand. The pots, kitchen wares clinks against the sink, water rinsing off the foams and you set them to the side to dry, one by one.

“Do you not want to have children with me, is that what it is?”

Seokjin spoke in a whisper but loud enough for you to hear. The way his voice brittles, the way it cracks and how the words were delivered was enough to shatter your heart into pieces. He is as heartbroken as you are. Seokjin wanted to be a father. He wanted it so much. His only desire in life was to nurture another human being and be a proud dad. He even had their names, damn it. All these while, he thought that if he continues to serve his wife the right way, she will be able to conceive with a brighter set of mind and a better lifestyle. Maybe a child would help her get through day to day struggles, maybe it could strengthen the bond because without a child, marriage is incomplete.

Furthermore, it had been 5 years. What irks him the most is how you attempted to hide this from him. It made him feel like he wasn’t a part of your life. You made a decision without him. You have sabotaged the union with your selfishness.

Last plate on the dish rack. You patted your hands  dry with the washcloth, turning to face your sullen husband. The kitchen counter being the only thing separating you both. It provided you with a shield of some sort.

“That’s not what this is,” you glide your eyes to the side, folding the washcloth neatly, Well. “That’s not just what it is.”

There’s more? Seokjin pushed his chair back, walked past you in the kitchen, took a can of beer from the fridge, slam the fridge’s door and harshly spoke underneath his breath with a deadly glare directed at you, “If I’m the problem, then you should have said so.”

With every lunge of steps he took away from you, you felt the pressing need to tell you what was going through your mind. Clenching your jaws, you released your lips from your teeth and sputtered, “I’m scared.”

Seokjin’s steps halted almost instantly. His ears picks the words up, one by one and they string in his head. He blinks and the hard expression is no longer there. It softens, weakens.

“I’m scared that I won’t be able to be a good mother,” you added, and after a long pause, “I’m lacking a lot. I’m not enough. I don’t have the credibility to be a good human, how can I raise another one… and that fear has led me to hurt another person very dear to me.”

Seokjin dropped his head, swallowed a thick lump in his throat and exhaled through his nose. As if he had been holding his breath all these while. Everything pieces itself up. Your strange decision, your diversion when it comes to the topic, your aloofness when talks about creating family comes to view--they all make sense. But Seokjin has his own ego. So instead of turning his heels and embracing you like he should, he carried on walking into the bedroom.

“Please don’t bring beer inside the room that we sleep in,” you hurried to say but you were replied with a slam of the door. You dropped your head and unmute the television, in an attempt to escape your thoughts. This wasn’t healthy, and yet, he chose this. He chose to avoid confrontation by slamming the door shut.

Two sad souls, different principles, different aspirations, different needs. Finding the weight of the situation settling on your shoulders, and blaming yourself for the disastrous ordeal, you reclined on the floor next to running washing machine with your knees up and apart. You have your elbow on one knee and pressed your forehead on the heels of your hand. Frowning, you felt the sting in your eyes and tears followed suit. At the same time, your free hand caressed over your tummy. “I’m so sorry, but I can’t keep you,” you sobbed, “Mommy’s scared.”

Scared. Does she think she’s alone in this marriage? What am I then? A stone? A picture frame on the walls? This ring on my finger, isn’t it a promise? Isn’t this house built on the trust that no matter how difficult things are and will be, we are going to be right next to each other?

Seokjin fiddles his wedding band and took them off only to place them on the bedside table. He lays his head on top of his hand, over the pillow, facing away from the door. His eyes reddening from keeping them open, unable to shake the anger from his heart, spreading through his veins. Scared; he repeated in his head. Is five years not enough to build trust? How long does he have to keep them up? His assumptions are, that you were scared that he would leave you. That he will turn his back to you like your father did. That he will not be there to catch you when you fall, like your father did. Seokjin darted his eyes, drilling through the curtain, laying on his side, curled in a ball.

That’s how you found him. You shut the door behind you as gently as you can, almost tiptoed your way in and sat at the edge of the bed, your side empty. Seokjin clenched his jaws and shut his eyes, forcing himself to sleep.

You swallowed a thick gulp of saliva before anything else. Palms sweaty, and you feel every movement in your bones that you made to touch Seokjin’s shoulder, but your hand halted before it got there. Part of you was unsure if this is what you wanted, or what he wanted. “Seokjin, baby. Are you sleeping?” you asked. He doesn’t respond.

“Seokjin, sometimes I envy you….” you begin, and dropped your head with a faint smile on your lips. Faint, it was barely there. “I envy you a lot, I think that there’s nothing you couldn’t do in this world, you don’t give a shit about what people say, and just do them your way.”

“You’ve come a long way since your high school days. Where you’ve gotten bullied because you were too pretty, your over invasive father who drilled you to be better than your older brother, so the only friend you have is your mom. I used to envy that, the fact that you can be friends with your mom. I envy that you can talk to her about anything and know that she’ll always have your back, unlike mine. I got bullied in school and she told me not to look so weak,” you added an awkward chuckle. You continued to say that you grew up, misunderstanding her aloofness as her lack of care, until you recognised her strength. She always had herself to fight, standing on her own two feet and how she was heavily reliant to your father. And he, in return, betrayed her trust.

“I was raised by a woman who had been abused her whole life, and in the shreds of whatever that’s left, she attempted to raise me. I compare myself to her. I know it was a foolish move but if I can’t be as great as she was, what makes you think I’ll be a great mother?”

Your situation were different from Seokjin’s. Financially, emotionally, physically. Seokjin could change schools when he was bullied. Seokjin could ask his mother for comfort. Seokjin could rely on someone while he is growing up. You on the other hand, was raised to be a soldier, and marriage is a spectacle, fundamentally to be avoided at all cost. Love, romance, sex; none of it signifies loyalty. Loyalty takes years to built, and seconds to destroy--just like trust. That was the house you lived in.

“I envy you Seokjin… because you could be a great dad but I couldn’t be a good mom.”

“I’m not blaming you for not being able to accept the person that I am, because we had been talking about this for years, now,” your chest heaves as you clawed your fingers on the bed sheet. “I cannot ask for more time can I?” you blinked to the view of the sheet.

“You don’t trust me…” Seokjin breaks silence, still avoiding you, “You think I’m going to walk away. That’s what hurts me the most.”

Settling fully in the middle of the bed, you knelt and Seokjin switches to his back but darted his eyes straight to the ceiling with his back of his wrist on his forehead. His eyes glimmering with impending tears.

“I registered us for a parenthood classes, I cancelled everytime you say you have your period. I bought baby clothes and kept them in the drawer so you wouldn’t see them. I got vaccination schedules from the doctor’s office in case we are conceiving but we never were, and I found positive pregnancy test in the bin next to an empty blister pack of birth control pills, can you imagine how I felt?” His tears fall and wet the pillow case but he maintains his gaze to the ceiling. You lowered your head even more.

“I’m so sorry,” you spoke through quivering lips. “Why is it so wrong for me to have a child with the person I love?” his Adam’s apple bobs up and down as he swallowed unsteadily. “Where do you think I was going to go?” Seokjin flickered his eyes at you, “It’s easier to leave me behind without a child, isn’t it?”

“Seokjin,” you wiped your eyes roughly with the back of your hand. “You are my wife… We promised each other that no matter what, we’ll make it work,” he sat and faced you. He raises his arm and cupped your cheeks, thumbing your tears. “You poor little idiot,” he gently scolded, “You think you’re the only one who is scared? I’m scared too. Having a child is scary, but with you, I think I can be brave. So I need you to be brave with me… I think you’ll be an amazing mom. No, I know, you’ll be amazing. You always have been.”

He presses his lips on yours. Wet eyelashes, messy hair, soft lips. Mascara melting, smeared lipstick, a faint hint of your Bvlgari perfume dancing around his nostril--a beautiful mess he is in love with.

“Lily…” Seokjin warned, “No.”

Seokjin brought two year old Lily to the playground in your apartment area. You decided to join them after leaving the bus station that was at the foot of your apartment. You sat on the swing next to him.

“Are you still mad?” he asked. “Definitely,” you shot with a smile straight to your baby girl.

Seokjin put his hands out of his jacket, “It was just a picture. I admit I pushed over certain boundaries, but I didn’t plan for it to happen… It was a school reunion, there will be friends who brought their sisters along…” You frowned at the sky and then at him, “No.”

“It’s nothing serious…” “These girls has your phone number, Seokjin.” “It’s nothing.” “Guess who’s banned to have ice cream on ice cream Thursday…” you swing your head in his direction and stretched your arm out, “Lily, let’s go home…”

Seokjin hurried after you, poking your waist. “I won’t do it again, I won’t. I promise, please let me have ice cream… Lily, please tell your mom to let daddy have ice creams…” Lily begins babbling almost immediately and you sputtered a chuckle. Then she hooked one arm around his neck and another around yours. It’s a signal for: Make up, already. Sometimes, having a handsome husband is a problem. A huge problem.

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