#jaeren

He decides to just lay there even if he has to wait until morning for Jaehyun to go back to his room.

“Ah Injunnie, it's so cute how you think this is a game I could lose and you could win. I’ve done this a lot longer than you. And really, who has the literal higher ground?" Another change of expression; this time more stoic like all charade of emotion has passed. Jaehyun inches closer to Renjun’s face and he can feel the hot breath of the older before his hyung pulls back his hair and bites down on his neck, steady hands covering Renjun’s mouth to ensure minimal sounds escape. Fingers twist on his arms, his waist, everywhere. Jaehyun sucks and bites anywhere and everywhere he can. He wonders if it will look like self-harm. "I want to leave my own marks on you so every time you see it, you'll remember this night. Do you think you'll remember Injunnie? Please tell me you'll remember.” Jaehyun stops twisting to hold Renjun’s head in both hands, eyes locked, anticipating an answer. “Shake your head if you'll remember.”

This time Renjun obeys, tears falling onto Jaehyun’s hands as he does what he's told. It's at this moment that he feels the dichotomy in his thinking lengthen. He wants Jaehyun to leave so he can have some false sense of comfort and rest. But at the same time, there's something about Jaehyun being here, his control over Renjun, the weight of Jaehyun’s body on his own, the way his body betrayed him over the urge to feel Jaehyun inside him, that gives some stability to the chaos that frequents his mind.

Whispering against their pressed lips, Jaehyun calls Renjun’s attention back to him. "Poor baby’s spacing out. Look at me, hm?” He can feel Renjun becoming more pliant beneath him but he’s still zoning out so Jaehyun does the first thing that comes to mind. He caresses Renjun’s face before kissing him on the lips and coasting down, eyes never leaving Renjun’s. He’s in a fog, lips slightly parted, and Jaehyun wonders if that’s how he looks after sex, when it’s been so good it’s like he’s floating.

No, this is the look of subspace and if Jaehyun could get hard at the thought, he would. For now, Jaehyun’s hands trail against the younger’s skin, his lips leaving kisses along the way until he reaches past Renjun’s small waist, the younger subconsciously bucking up at his hyung's hot breath and warm hands cradling his docile body. “That’s it. You’re being such a good boy.” He wonders if he feels anything now or if he’s repeating words he’s read or heard somewhere. He doesn’t like it, doesn’t want to be close to Renjun. Hates that he’s pictured the younger beneath him, eyes locked as Renjun takes him as deep as he’ll go, whimpers turning into moans. His soft eyes and pouty lips. His pretty smile. He hates it. Hates that his face feels hot next to Renjun’s erection. Hates the thought of wanting to take it in his mouth and watch as the younger arches his back up in pleasure, both of them feeling good for once in a long time. Fuck this. He takes one more look up towards Renjun spacey, fucked out looking face, before biting down hard against Renjun’s hip bones, watching as the younger’s face contorts in pain.

"Injunnie, I think I made you bleed.” Jaehyun feigns concern, pleased with the younger’s tears. This is better. It’s more his style. ”No, don't cry. It's not permanent... not physically. It's only a little reminder of our friendship. Don't you want to remember our friendship?"

Renjun feels his chest tighten as Jaehyun wraps his arms around him and squeezes; his hyung once more nuzzling into his neck. He doesn't want to like it. Jaehyun has hurt him so much tonight. But it's comforting. When was the last time someone held him?

"Did you hear me?" Jaehyun takes something out of his pants. Something shiny. And sharp. "I swiped it while doing janitorial work. If you’re good, they let you have privileges. Well, they do it to hire less people. The cheap bastards.. Anyway I’m not hard but we could still have some fun.”

Have some fun.

“I-I don’t.”

“I won’t get any pleasure out of it except to see the terror and panicked look in your eyes. Yes, that’s it. The one you have now. The one you had earlier." More hugs. More nuzzling. He must be covered in spit as many times as the Jaehyun has licked, bit, and sucked the various parts of his exposed flesh. "How would you feel to have this knife rip you in pieces from bottom to top? Would you like that? Huh Injun?" A soft hand placed firmly on the younger’s chin. "Look at me when I'm talking to you."

Renjun pauses for too long. He feels his heart rate increase, a darkness ascending, deafness save for a ringing unplaced. “Earth to Reenjuun.” A saccharine song and a cruel slap to his delicate face, Jaehyun takes the knife and starts cutting through Renjun’s pants, who only now realized it’s storming out, the rain and wind beating against the thin window.

“You know I heard a story that if you count from 1 to 10 with the word Mississippi, it means that a storm is coming closer. Or something like that. It’s an American thing.” He chuckles as the knife continues to cut through Renjun’s pants. “I like it. Let's play a game, okay? I count from 1-10 and if you don't give me what I want, I'll take it. Now don't scream. We wouldn't want you covered in your own blood, would we?" Jaehyun makes a small cut across Renjun’s thigh, droplets of blood weeping like the pattering weather against the window.

"Nooo.. Injunnie.. I'm so sad. Why are you hurting yourself? Pleeaase don't hurt yourself." Another small cut, more droplets of blood as Jaehyun looks at him with fabricated eyes that look sad but whose reality is only the opposite, pleading with Renjun to stop doing something he’s not. He bends down, kissing around the cut, lapping up the blood. Softly. Gently. Metallic and bittersweet. “Tonight I will taste you in every way, Renjun.”

The younger’s tears now fall steadily mixing with a rising hysteria and perspiration soaking Renjun’s cheap hospital garments. He’s finding it more difficult to calm his breathing as the seconds pass. "No... please... Hyung. Don't do this." Begging against all hope.

It doesn’t work.

"Don't do what? This?" A firm hand wraps around Renjun’s erection. “You’re small everywhere Injunnie. Soo cute. My hand wraps all the way around so easily.” He pumps up and down, using Renjun’s precum to lubricate and make it feel better for his dongsaeng who has gone through so much recently. Renjun tries not to move his body along with Jaehyun’s motion but it feels too good. He doesn’t look at him, can’t look at him. He doesn’t want this mentally but his body forsakes him and wants only this.

“Your little cock is perfect. I can take you all the way in the back of my throat. See? Look at me pleasure you, Injun.” When Renjun doesn’t look, Jaehyun sinks his teeth into the younger’s erection before grabbing his balls as a punishment. “When I tell you to do something, do it. I’m not going to ask twice again. Do you understand?”

Renjun nods and looks down, seeing Jaehyun’s hand wrapping around his erection. “You have such a cute, little cock baby. Your head’s so red and you’re leaking precum everywhere. Now matter how many times I lick it up, it wants more.” Renjun peers down again to see this is true. And the truth is, he wants it. Wants Jaehyun-hyung to suck him and make him feel good. Wants the pain mixed with pleasure that comes from the cuts given to him by Jaehyun and the ecstasy he’d feel with Jaehyun’s lips around his cock, his tongue working the underside as Renjun’s breath hitches and his eyes roll back, mouth parted waiting to take in Jaehyun when it’s his turn.

Jaehyun smirks. He loves this game. “You’re thinking about it now, right baby? You want me to put my mouth on your little red cock and suck like a pacifier until you’re all dry. Do you want it now Renjunnie?” A question Renjun’s not sure he can answer followed by a playful, apathetic, laugh from the older.

Renjun feels his body betray him again. This is sick. He’s sick. He shouldn’t be getting off on this. It’s toxic and dangerous. How much further could it escalate if this is the first night?

“Hmm... baby didn’t answer but hyung is forgiving.” Jaehyun crawls on top of Renjun, taking off the younger’s shirt while Jaehyun is still completely clothed. He feels the older’s hands wrap around his neck, squeezing. “Very forgiving.” Renjun swats at his hands, tries to free himself but Jaehyun is sitting on his chest and he’s finding it difficult to breathe. “Y-you’re h-hurting me.” he manages to say through stifled breaths.

Jaehyun ignores it completely, hands still wrapped around Renjun’s delicate neck until there’s a spark of thought as he manages to get loose of his hospital garments; both boys now naked in Renjun’s bed. The size difference more visible. Other things more visible as well. Renjun notices scars cover Jaehyun’s body and wonders if Jaehyun did this to himself or if someone else did it to him. If he could comfort his hyung right now, he would. Despite it all, he would. But his body is worn out and he’s too afraid to move without permission. He’s not even sure how much more he can take. Better to not bring it up or ask under different circumstances when Jaehyun isn’t sitting naked atop his bare chest.

“Let’s go back to the game before the storm finishes. What do you say Injunnie? 1 Mississippi. 2 Mississippi. You have until the count of 10. 3 Mississippi. Do you know what you’re supposed to be doing?”

“I.. I don’t want... please... don't. Stop."

“Don't stop? Okay then. 4, 5, 6 Mississippi.” He counts slowly as he climbs back down until he’s positioned at Renjun’s entrance. Jaehyun thrusts aggressively to the sound of his counting, his own erection barely growing due to the side effects of one of the many medications he's on. It’s frustrating but he still has his tongue and he still has his fingers.

Lightning strikes outside illuminating their contrasting frames against the wall of Renjun’s cramped room, shadows separate absent of the misfortunes experienced since Jaehyun crept in, uninvited. The sweat, tears, spit, blood, cum, scars. The trauma Renjun won't be telling Dr. Suh about in a few hours.

"Sometimes you need to be used. Do you understand, Renjun?” Renjun doesn’t wait this time. He nods ardently.

“Good boy. 7, 8.” He’s given up saying the word Mississippi now as he makes Renjun suck on his middle finger before inserting it slowly, taking his time, into the smaller boy stroking him gently. Renjun’s back arches and a small moan escapes his lips as Jaehyun moves his finger in and out, hitting spots Renjun wasn’t aware he had. He’s angelic. Everything from his pouty lips to his bright eyes to his small stature; everything about him is ethereal and Jaehyun catches himself for the first time feeling something.

Renjun notices the light of the moon illuminates all Jaehyun’s best features and Renjun thinks he’s lucky because on the outside Jaehyun might not have looked at him at all. And maybe he’s ignorant or maybe it’s because he can’t think right now or maybe it’s because he’s never had this kind of intimacy but the chaos leading up to this moment feels honest.

“It feels so good hyung.”

Jaehyun keeps thrusting and Renjun wishes upon all the world that he didn’t yearn for this, that Jaehyun would stop or that he'd wake up and this will have been nothing but a dream. But god it feels so good. Why isn’t this a dream? And not just this night. The entirely of the situation. The reason why he’s here. Why can’t all of it be a dream? He's used to those. But this is real, too real.

“Do you want me to use you, Renjunnie?" 

He nods because he does want it. He wants to be used and he wants to bleed for Jaehyun and scar for Jaehyun. He can’t explain it and if anyone ever found out, he’d say “It was the medications.” But the truth is, he’s wanted this since the first time he ever felt anything sexual. When he started going through puberty, he knew it was fucked up and knew he couldn’t say anything to anyone - that is until this night with Jaehyun. In whatever way Jaehyun decides, he’ll accept it.

“I want you to use me, hyung.”

He can hear the desperation in Renjun’s voice. This tiny body laying beneath him, pliant, ready, eager. It stirs something primal within him. “Do you want me to abuse you, Renjunnie?”

“Yes hyungie. I want everything from you.”

He feels Renjun quiver underneath him, swallowing in a dry throat, lips un-chapped unlike his own. His lithe, little body, bruised and scarred from just one night. He’s covered in dry spit and memories. Jaehyun’s work of art.

“Then say you’re mine.”

Renjun opens his eyes, pulling Jaehyun closer before biting on his lip, an open invitation to kiss, arms wrapping around his hyung’s neck before running his hands gently over Jaehyun’s scarred body.

“I’m yours.”