#jack-al

As much as it hurts me to say it, it's very true.

I'm basically getting closer to what my biggest fear was. Forgetting them completely.

I really don't want to. They're very special to me.

8th grade Alama and Jack-al eraser

I've found that it is okay to let go now.

And before. It truly wasn't. And I can't try to convince myself that it was.

That I should have tried harder then. Because I wasn't ready yet. It wouldn't have worked.

This guy used to go to this church but hes not here anymore. I think he finally moved

It's pretty sad. But it was nice for the time he was here

He didn't talk that much. He only really talked to me at first.

And when we had the church sleepover. And I left for a long time, when i came back, he asked if I was okay

He was definitely a little strange. But that made him a lot easier to talk to. He had missed a grade from quarantine and had an actual interst in church. He came on his own with an electric scooter

So not like me.

I still wanted him to like me though. I used to participate more back then. It was nice to not be the only one.

I only participated because I didn't want to get in trouble. But after I realized that wouldn't happen, I haven't done it as much

I'm pretty sure hes not coming back though

I wish I had an actual interest in church,

Another re ason for my participation was to ask questions

But I don't even want to do that anymore

Though I didn't need to do any participation for him to like me.

I think it was because I talked to him and paid attention to him.

I've been relying on them for too long.

I started having imaginary friends pretty late.

I didn't really have a need for them before 6th grade.

So, in that aspect. I was lucky

I first drew Kumo in class and then pretend she was right next to me.

Then I drew her as my best friend on my personal drawings. And sometimes to my irl friends.

I drew Kumo in drawings with my OC and my fursona. So I think I had been blurring the lines too much.

Eventually I started to draw her in my vent drawings. She would try and cheer me up.

She was also an angel.

By the end of 6th grade I had found out I was bisexual. I was hard on myself about it. But despite that i made her my girlfriend.

That is kinda embarrassing for me to say. But I probably should say it. I don't like dancing around it. And the only reason I do, is because its embarrassing.

Either way. I think I used it as a way to make myself feel better in general.

Then one day she dissapeared. It really scared me and made me sad. I tried to make her come back. But it didn't work on my own accord. So this is the kind of thing that confuses me.

Still do this day, I cannot control this kind of thing. Which is the only reason why I question it just being my imagination.

She did come back for a bit. But she then dissapeared again and didn't come back for months.

Inbetween that time I came up with Alama. She would be Cookie's companion. And sometimes I would be Cookie. This was so I could also be around her. I wanted to live his life.

Later on I made Jack-al and Janiah.

All the people that I daydreamed about were based on other people.

Including Alama and Kumo.

Because they met Cookie first, I don't think they really like me as much.

Janiah met Cookie before both Alama and Jack-al did. Despite me making Alama first.

So the day I swore off C12 daydreaming, she already knew it was me.

I was never Cookie then.

BC later on also, left me.

I had been getting closer to her last school year. Which wasn't really a good thing. But it was what happened.

During Christmas break I had my hair in an afro like hers. We spent 2 days together consecutively. And then she left me.

So I didn't have anyone.

It really scares me when I'm left without an imaginary person.

And right now. I'm not especially close to any of them. Things have gotten better between us though. And maybe that's why.

They don't want me. I tend to want them much more.

BC did enjoy terrorizing me and making me feel bad. But it didn't last. I became boring to her.

After shes changed. Only I alone would be one one doing that stuff to myself now.

I never imagined this as my future.

I assumed I'd live my life only with them. But that's not how things are going to be.

I'm connected to Cookie, but I'll never be as close to him as I wanted to be.

I don't really know what this means. For the future or anything like that. I just know I've been too attached. And it's all unrequited (mostly)

From what I do know currently. Alama doesn't see me all that highly. And Janiah doesn't either. I don't think Jack-al thinks of me. I'm not really important to him. I spent time with Jack-al the least. So I really don't know for sure. But. I assume Cookie knows more.

Kumo is not a common occurence for me. So I'm not sure.

Shes the only one that. I, I guess see.

That's what I first did when speaking to her back then.

And then sometimes I may see her in the corner of my eye. But that was also in the past. More of a purple blue indigo light. But I would avoid it by that point. (8th-9th grade)

It's really mostly daydreaming now.

I mostly interpret it all by drawing. Since that's how this all started anyway I've just noticed.

Like when a bird was pulling on my eye. It was Alama.

Stuff like that. Or just litterally drawing them.

I don't have any clear or significant hopes for us like i used to.

Out of everyone else I thought I would forget the fastest. And mostly because the person who used to remind me of him doesn't now.

But this guy that remind me of him, is also basically the classes target. And for good reason sometimes.

But it's really distracting.

And I do of course have history of him.

Back when my mom used to work at this school, and in 6th grade of course. We would go to the high school and then rid the bus over to middle school.

He had a flip phone back then. He got bullied for it a lot. Then one day when I got on the bus to leave the middle school. He wasn't on the bus and had to run after it.

The kids were bothering him, so I told them to stop. They asked me if I knew who I was to talking to. But I was the fourth day of school, and I don't even live in this neighborhood. So I definitely didn't.

I wanted to start crying, but I just sat back down in my seat.

In 8th grade I felt more upset seeing him. Not because he'd done anything wrong back then. But he had friends and I didn't know how to talk to anyone anymore.