#8th grade

today only 5 people from 23 come but its better i played hok with G and J it was funny

It feels so forced, it feels.. fake. P, you were there for me through everything and anything, we created a bond throughout the year, but why have you somehow didn’t take my side? I get it, he was way too out of my reach, or is he?

Maybe because I was strict, maybe because I was way too ‘unserious’ about the role ALL OF YOU chose— but let’s be honest, which is better: person A who has experience and is actually MENTALLY capable of that role, or person B who can’t handle their emotions properly and shouts way too loud whenever you can’t contain your emotion. I’m not judging person B for their mental health, but I believe that if you can’t handle yourself, you shouldn’t represent yourself as someone who others can depend on.

I’m not upset the fact I lost, I’m upset the fact they didn’t have the trust on me to be on that role again— was there something I didn’t do? Was I not enough? Or am I really just that hated by all of you, especially you, T. Since grade 4, you kept on bullying me and shaming me for whatever I do, I hate you for making everyday feel shit.

Ever since grade 7, I’ve felt so miserable, I can’t go a single day without having the urge to harm myself or cry my eyes out till I basically can’t breathe. It feels unfair every time, I feel like the whole world is against me, like I’m someone who’s an outsider, like I’m a forbidden person in a land that’s not theirs. Everyday, I feel the eyes of judgement sinking down and eating my confidence out alive. I fear everyone surrounding me, even my own family— I never really got to express myself freely around people, everyone is so judgmental around me.

The only person I can actually talk to is Josephine, she’s 2 years older than me and lives from the other side of the country. She never judged me, nor ever made me feel like shit— she’s someone I can express my feelings without thinking that I’m overreacting.

Now that she’s distant from me, I’ve been stuck on this loop: wake up, shower, get dressed, cry, school, cry, shower, study, cry, sleep, repeat. I barely even eat anymore, the only meal that I’m repeating every few days is coffee, ice cubes, and some medicine I find in my mother’s closet. I never actually knew what those medicines were called, which is weird because my mother is a nurse.

Whenever I feel so tired it gets to a point where I’m only relying on studying, sleeping and more studying— notice there’s something about me and school? I use studying as a coping mechanism to prevent myself from harming myself or doing something that I would hate myself the next day, school gives me comfort, it’s the only way I can go outside. Even though the people there have a grudge against me, I still force myself to go to school because my deceased grandfather told me to study in all that I can.

I can’t lie, I sometimes wish I have the courage to go alone and visit my deceased love ones, I feel like they’re proud of me than anyone in this world. Even when times where I want to disappear completely, I remember them— I would imagine their faces when they realize I took my own life, I would imagine the morning after I took my life, my mother convincing herself that it’s not real, and my siblings trying to remember the times when we played Minecraft during online class.

I feel like this is where I can share my 8th grade experience, I hope to anyone reading this is safe, loved, and well— remember that there is good in life in everyday. I love you guys.