yeah

I like drawing and learning things, even though that can be quite difficult

Sometimes I might say something weird, but I may have worded it wrong. Please be patient if I do.

I really like animals and the textures of things. I like shapes and colors as well. They make me happy. Even if it's not of a drawing or picture.

I like seeing people's characters and artwork. And I may draw it if interested.

I have characters of my own, and often draw myself.

I've been drawing for my whole life. It's been a large interest of mine and helps me a great deal.

I really enjoy looking at people. I find people very beautiful and I hope to soon create more great relationships with them.

I am genderqueer, and I finally know my pronouns now

I use He/She :)

Sharing the good and the bad

I am 18 years old

High school graduate

It's not your fault

Eventually BC had one of these eyes. And now they have both.

I do feel like I am not good.

Because of the way I am.

I feel like it makes things bad.

I know. Does not a approve of this

And knowing that makes me feel nervous

Why I am not explicitly always someone who enjoys this

I know that I do sometimes

Knowing they are against it frightens me because I feel like it shows we should not be with one another

I feel like it could be subject to change in the future. For them to understand me

But since the start I have been reluctant to share about myself.

I'd allow them to do it first. Because of their age and my own personal self censorship

I even indulged in that they enjoyed, even though I personally didn't for everything because I wanted to be closer to them

But I feel like I can't because of my own personal interests.

I don't feel like it makes me disgusting.

But I don't want them to see me that way

I don't want them to see me as someone disgusting or someone they shouldn't be around

I don't want them to see my as a fake. Like the personality I show and have doesn't go with my interest

That I'm a disgusting freak instead

I don't want to be abandoned.

And I'm scared of it. And I've been scared the whole time. For multiple different reasons. Barely ever giving myself a chance to breathe or think without believing that it might end.

Telling myself to not get too close or share something "incriminating".

I want to be closer. I want to share more. I want to feel more. But, there's an inherent danger.

What if they share it with other people? What if they leave me?

I'm worried about that.

It started out as a line when I was a baby and then changed into two thick lines.

Eventually the lines connected.

Now the mole is 3 thick pieces.

This can be uncomfortable at times.

When it gets hot it's hard to handle.

I end up almost scratching the center of my cleavage.

And during the winter I have to moisturize it.

Lately it's been more itchy than usual and today it started to break off.

But in hard pieces.

I remember this happening in the further past as well.

Sometimes prices come off in the shower when I scrub, but pieces aren't hard..

I am a bit concerned.

I've gone to the dermatologist for this before,, as well as the large birthmark on my leg.

They didn't say anything was negative about it unless I felt it should be removed.

Which is a quick majority painless process of just freezing it off.

I didn't really want it then. And I still don't really now, since I've had it since birth.

I plan to get top surgery in the future. And by then it wouldn't be an issue. But . Well. I'm not there yet

CW: nudity for the drawings at the bottom

It's taken a lot out of me to be able to write this

BC held sexual feelings. And what I mean by that is in my head, I used BC as the placeholder for any sexual feelings I had.

So BC was the one who had anything that I didn't feel I could embody the majority of the time. And the 'B' stood for big. So physically I drew her larger than me and everyone else there (others).

I was never really able to develop normally in a sexual way. My sexuality isn't allowed in the religion I was born into, and that made it hard. On top of the fact the sexuality is considered a taboo in general for many Christians.

In some ways BC was an outlet. But, just like I would eventually learn with Cookie 12, BC was also a person. And a different part of me.

As I moved into different grades of stages of life, BC would mirror past versions of myself at different ages with her outfits.

The best example being my school uniform from 6th grade having a counterpart of a anime, Kumo, and 6th grade inspired outfit while I was in 8th grade.

While this sounds complicated, it's probably because it is.

As, I've stated before, during thanksgiving, BC had a fight with someone else. And I now recognize this as Spinny. Spinny, out of feelings of dysphoria and anger did a poorly done top surgery on BC.

That same day, BC encountered Dull who once again was bothering her with his constant mentions of her impurity.

I had to remove Dull from her, "sexual organs",, for lack of a better word. And this caused a lot of regression.

At first she balded and returned back to a baby almost.

Then again back to balding and eventually back to a full health.

In between this time there were still many struggle with an inconsistent form.

Sometimes being a color that was not her skin color. Or partially an animal.

She felt discomfort in her body and started starving herself. It felt distressing for me to draw, because that's what I always do. It was another instance where I noticed I didn't have control.

Later, Still with a botched surgery. Her name changed to BC, now with the meaning being Baby rather than Big.

She wore cute clothes, but no longer sexual.

Getting healthier again.

Beginning to eat more foods again. In the past she loved eating.

She started to eat more than cookies. So things like pasta and foods with ground beef. But not any burgers.

At a certain point this no longer worked and she started starving herself again.

They're still doing this now. Dull has someone identical. Which is Cookie Bearcat.

Cookie Bearcat stays around BC now. And they are generally well around each other.

I made this in August of last year as a timeline of events.

Then from this point BC is when she went back to an inconsistent form until they reached this

Which is current.