#cookie12

Your not my mom. And you never really were

I really wanted you to be. But you can't be

I've neglected the life I really have. Even now. When I don't even speak to you anymore. I still act as if I have an option to opt out of my real life

I've been messing up a lot. Because I expect there to be something else.

I haven't really been the kindest. I didn't come to the conclusion fully on my own.

My dad was talking to me. And the reason I don't say a lot of the good things that happen to me is because I feel like no one will trust me.

A lot of the time, I reject my parents love. I used to do it because I felt undeserving of it.

Now its different

I just don't feel like it should be happening. I feel like it says something bad about me. That if I ever felt like running away or killing myself I was exaggerating.

And then that says something bad about Cookie too. So a lot of the time I try not to let it happen.

During Christmas time, I tried to be the best I could because I'm afraid that the love could end. There a possibility that things could change too main for me. If I truly be myself the way I feel like being things could.turn out really bad.

But its starting to cause similar issues again

I am so ungrateful

Its awful. I often let it all pass me by to I don't have to feel sad about what the future might be like. I discount the good things so that I might not miss it as much later.

I long for Mama, even though I will never have her. And she isn't mine. I will never really be a part of that family.

And I think it means I have to leave that life even more. Otherwise I will miss out on everything that I was trying to recive again in the 1st place

I'm pretty dissapointed in myself.

I reject just about everything that could my life better. Even though I've been trying to do the opposite

I keep wanting to ask myself, "what's wrong with me?", even though I feel like I do know.

I really want a life I can't have. And I don't really appreciate my real life anymore.

It feels unimportant at times, because I know it can dissapear