#itsalwaysyou

Chapter 14 : Realizations and Urgencies

A few weeks ago...

Present day...

You were looking around, waiting for Time and Tay to come back to the hall. It has been five minutes since you received the last message from him, telling you to stay put. While you were watching Kim’s cousin and his boyfriend across the hall, you noticed Kinn approach them with Khun and Porsche. A few moments later, Macau and Porchay also approached beside them. The group looked like they were having serious discussions.

Porchay was sending Kinn a confused look when Vegas whispered in Macau’s ears. A moment later, the youngest of the Theerapanyakul boys pulled his best friend away from the huddle. Porchay was trying to pull away and go back to the huddle, but Macau was holding him tightly. The older Theerapanyakuls were huddling even closer. Khun looked disappointed while Vegas was trying to reason with them.

You were too engrossed in what was happening across the hall that you startled when you felt a hand on your shoulder. Turning abruptly in surprise, you were greeted by the face of your best friend and his lover. There were also surprised expressions on their faces while they were looking back at her. 

“Are you okay, babes?” Tay asked with a chuckle. Time was also chuckling at the incredulity of the situation beside his lover. 

You cannot help but also laugh with them. Shaking the haze off your head, you slipped an arm through your best friend’s. “I’m okay, babes. Are we ready to go?” you asked them.

“We took a long time to get back, didn’t we?” Time asked impishly.

You smiled up at your two best friends, loving how it feels having people who will run to your aid when you need them. “I don’t mind,” your smile was warm and bright. “Besides, people watching is fun,” you wiggled your brows cunningly at the two.

Both men laughed at you and your antics. They love each other’s shenanigans and laugh at whatever game you invent by watching crowds of people. But, it’s also because they rarely find you smiling or laughing the way there is a bright upward tilt to your lips now. 

“What game did you come up with now?” Tay asked you as the three of you started walking out of the venue. 

He was met with a giggle while you slip your arms through Time’s arm to keep them close to you. “I was guessing what disease this woman has that everyone seems to want to get away from her,” you smiled up at them connivingly. Both boys sent you incredulous looks. You just laughed. 

“So, I’ve been watching this woman talk to various groups of people. Then, I notice that one or two people would slip out of the huddle a moment later with horrified looks on their faces,” you narrate, giggling here and there. “I was trying to figure out what was so horrific about her or her words that they ran from the hills,” you smiled at them.

“Well? What’d you find out?” Time asked with a laugh and biting curiosity. The three of you were weaving through huddles of people scattered all over the venue. 

Another bout of mischievous giggles came out from between your lips as you tighten your hold on their arms. “Turns out, she’s that eccentric aunt every family has who also does not know how to hold back,” you cackled at what you found, which made the two men laugh.

Everyone can hear your melodic laugh as the three of you walk out of the door of the venue. Unbeknownst to you, an older couple was watching your exchange. The woman was full of contempt while the older man was filled with longing and concern. He watched you, the young girl in the group, step out of the venue doors, laughing and full of life. He has never seen you smile or laugh like you were doing just now with your friends. The man felt grateful to the two men that were accompanying his baby girl. He glanced down and saw the expression on his wife’s face. It made the regret, dread and disdain grow bigger in his chest.

A few days later...

Kim has been sitting on the carpeted floor of his apartment. In front of him lies the box that kept items that represent his memories with the most important person in his life now. The exchange of messages with Vegas provided him an idea on where he should start: himself. 

He figured he needs to unravel all his feelings and emotions—his insecurities, doubts, fears, concerns, misbeliefs and indecisions. He needs to zero-in on every emotion he feels and compartmentalize his thoughts. Each piece of polaroid he took out reminds him of happier times, when it feels like heaven. 

Every polaroid photo reminds him of the days when he was happier. There were also a few knick knacks—concert and movie tickets, cardboard coasters from cafés, cup sleeves—that he kept to remember their dates. All of it reminds him of the days when he was trying really hard to seem so strong and hide the pain that remained from the fallout. Something that Kim was so ashamed about since he had Porchay live through it with him. He was also afraid that Porchay will always look at him as that man who fell to the ground, crying his eyes out because it was just too painful to lose that part of his life.

He did not have to hide, but he still did. Kim just did not want Porchay to worry, nor let the younger boy see him weak when Kim should be his pillar. He tried so hard to act the part when he did not have to, and Kim just fell apart in the seams. It was an act he should never have started since it was unnecessary, and he sees it now—very clearly.

Yet, he could not take the thought of the woman he chose to try with off his mind. He shouldn’t. It was nice, the thought of loving her. She made it look easy; loving her, committing to her. She has no idea of his dark sides and thoughts. Also, she has not witnessed all the gloom and doom that has been his relationship with his father after music. 

It’s one of the reasons he dreaded seeing Porchay. He already saw and heard everything. Porchay knows the inner workings of his mind; his thoughts, fears and insecurities. That is what scared him the most, and the very thought that Porchay would someday regret ever loving him, a weak and insecure mess. It is not what he deserves.

It’s just not it. 

Not him.

He deserves someone better.

But, all of them are right. It also means that he should have heeded the pieces of advice his brother and cousin have been giving him. He should have heeded them instead of waiting over a year, trying to make something work when it never will. 

It was okay to have fears, uncertainties and doubts. His fears were called for but also unnecessary; having doubts is normal. All of it just means that he loves Porchay enough to be concerned about his welfare, his future.

However, she also has been a catch. She has been his rock over the last year. Being with her was easy. It was worriless… most of the time. She made him forget all his insecurities and doubts. Maybe it is because she never knew the dark sides of his life, he never wanted her to know. Keeping the gloom and doom from her was liberating. It was liberating for Kim that he will always be just Kim, the 

Yet, it was still unfair. It is unfair to her that she does not get to know all of Kim. Moreover, despite all his best efforts—even if he really wanted to—he never seems to love her like he loves Porchay. And, he has always known that he can never reciprocate her feelings. He has always known and chose to stay, thinking that someday—if he tries hard enough—he will learn to love her. It was obvious, yet he refused to see it and acknowledge it. 

He was busy putting back the photos and other memorabilia inside the box again when his phone started ringing. One look at the screen tells him it’s Tay. He ignored it first, thinking that it’s not urgent and he’ll call them back later. But, it rang again a few seconds later. Figuring it was urgent, he picked up the call and put it on speaker.

“Tay, I’m occupied right now—” Kim told Tay as soon as he switched the speaker on.

Tay cut him off, sounding really panicked and urgent. “Kim, I need you to come right now,” anyone can hear the tears in Tay’s voice. “Kim, s-she really needs you r-right now and I-I c-can’t handle it anymore,” it’s apparent that Tay is shaking by the sound of his voice.

“I’m coming,” was the only thing Kim could say. He picked up his phone from the table and ran to his bedroom to change clothes. It did not take him more than ten minutes before he emerged from his bedroom in more decent clothes and out the door, car keys in hand.

"I didnt know how attached she was.. I do love her but how can i be with her if she deserves more?"

Chapter 11: Sing Your Heart Out

A few days later…

Kim was invited to sing at the anniversary celebration of one of the biggest malls in the city. It is the first of the many shows he has booked for the next few weeks. He has a full calendar and he was happy about it. Kim is one of the biggest rising stars in the country and it shows through the number of events and shows he has been booking.

Kim just released his latest single the night before and tonight is the first time he will be singing it live. You're also coming to watch him at the mall show. It will also be the first time you will be seen with his family and their lovers. Time and Tay will be coming with you so you would not feel left out, although Kim’s big brothers are really fun, kind and humble people.

It also means his former lover will be in the mix. You have never met him in person though you have been seeing him in pictures. P’Tankhun has been especially proud of the younger male since he has been excelling in his studies and music unlike their youngest cousin who seems to struggle with his. 

Kim asked the organizers to send his brothers and cousins invitations for the event. Fortunately, all of the Theerapanyakul boys decided to grace the event with their presence. It is the first event after a long while anyway. Kim went on a long hiatus after he and Porchay broke up. He lost all the will to write music—lyrics and melodies just won’t come to him. It felt like his music left him the moment the younger boy decided to turn his back on him and step out of his life. 

However, it is only one person that Kim wants to be there—and he's not confident that he will see him there. He’s a total wildcard, extremely unpredictable. However, Kim hopes against all hopes that he will show up and watch Kim perform his song.

You stepped into the backseat of Time’s car. Your best friend was seated on the passenger seat across from his lover. His body is turned towards you at the backseat, a beautiful smile on his face. You reciprocated it before addressing Time that is busy maneuvering the car onto the highway with a hello. 

“You look so excited,” Tay commented.

“Of course!” you answered enthusiastically. Tay shook his head as he turned back to face towards the front. “This will be the first time I get to watch him sing in his full element,” you sounded so wondrous and exuberant that Tay hesitates to burst your bubble.

Tay wanted to point out the latest song he released is another break up song. It is another song that illustrates how he has been longing for his former lover. He wanted you to open your eyes and be made aware of this fact.

Time noticed how worried, annoyed and anxious his lover looked. He took Tay’s hand to anchor him and calm him. Time watched as the little tension that the exuberance of the girl behind them brought Tay slowly dissipated. He offered Tay a reassuring smile when he noticed his lover take a glance his way. Tay squeezed his hand and exhaled a slow sigh to calm down.

You noticed Time’s hand holding onto Tay’s. It made a small smile appear on your lips. Your eyes shifted between the comforting and reassuring smile plastered on Time’s lips and the trust in your best friend’s eyes as he looked at his lover. It made you more appreciative of Time and his positive influence in your best friend’s life. 

Although you have known Tay since you were in middle school, it was only in high school, when Time came into the picture, when you first saw Tay smile radiantly. The radiant and carefree smiles and laugh was thanks to the very person that holds him now. 

Time was the person that took Tay out of his shell. He let him fully express himself and discover who he is. Time let Tay become the brave person he is today—a proud gay man who is not afraid to stand up for every thing or person he loves and what he believes in. Time is the foundation that ensures Tay will always be standing strong through quakes and obstacles that may shake him and who he is. Nevertheless, his presence in Tay’s life assures you that someone will be looking after you best friend even when you’re gone.

Kim had to come in for make up and styling, so he left earlier than everyone. Everyone else was still either sleeping or busy with their own businesses. It made him more worried and apprehensive about what can happen later at the event. After his stylist gave him the okay, he was ushered inside the van that will take him to the venue. Kim immediately took out his phone as soon as he got inside the van to check upon his brothers.

He exhaled a sigh of relief when his brother mentioned that he would be coming to watch him. On the other hand, it also made him more nervous and apprehensive. This will be the first time he will perform this song live. It’s the first time he will sing it in front of an audience, a crowd of people that includes the love he will never deserve to get back. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back to get a hold of his sanity. Kim was in the middle of performing a breathing exercise when his phone chimed. He took a look at the screen and found you shot him a text. He forgot that you will also be at the event.

After a few moments, the van arrived at the underground parking lot. It stopped by the door where all artists pass through to get to the dressing room at the back of the stage of their event hall. Kim was ushered by an army of guards, from the mall and from his brother’s personal army. Although the access was private, he still had to pass through the mall to get to the events mall. So, to make the journey easier, the mall had him ride a cart to minimize the time he had to spend on the main mall floor. Getting inside the venue, he was immediately pulled through sound checks and run-throughs which had become second nature to him. After a minor issue with his in-ear not working, he finally was able to get to his waiting room and relax before he needed to get on stage. 

The boys arrived at the venue half an hour before the event was scheduled to start. They were photographed as they walked down the red carpet laid down for the prestigious guests. These two powerful families are known for being great clans of business tycoons, holding a few of the largest brands in the country. The Theerapanyakuls have some of the top hotels and resorts under their belts while the Kittisawasds own a few widely known fashion brands. It is what made them influential figures and widely known to the public even beyond Kim’s fame.

Kim was scrolling through the blue bird app as he waited for the event to start and for his cue. He saw the photos of his brothers from fans that know of them and from legitimate media entities covering the event. A photo of Porchay made him stop scrolling. He was wearing an all white outfit that made him look ethereal. Porchay looks like the angel that he is tonight. Kim sighed and locked his phone, willing the image of the younger male out of his head and failing. A few moments later, he was notified that the event is starting and he will be on in a few minutes.

Kim is already at the entrance to the stage, waiting for the performer before him to finish their stage. He was hiding behind the curtains, sneaking a peek at the crowd to look for his brothers, to look for him. He found Kinn and Porsche a few rows from the stage, but failed to locate him. Kim was still looking for Chay when the AD cued him for his turn. He greeted the crowd, smiling one of his brightest smiles due to the intense cheer of the crowd.

“Hello, guys,” he greeted once again as he was reaching the middle of the stage. “Are you having fun tonight?” The crowd cheered even louder as he looked around while standing on stage. He doesn’t have his guitar now, and it makes him feel naked and exposed. But the loud cheers from the crowd is boosting his confidence. He smiled again as he addressed the crowd more. “It’s been quite a while, right?” he chuckled at the disappointed rumble of the crowd. “I’m back now, and I’ve brought a few songs with me. Do you want to hear it?” the crowd answered him by shouting a collective ‘yes’ in perfect unison. 

He looked at the band behind him with a smile to cue them before flashing a brighter smile at the roaring crowd again. The beginning notes of ‘Loop’ began resonating through the hall as the guitarist started strumming his guitar. 

Kim watched as he began singing the first verse, letting each note engulf his being. He started to feel everything again, how he wrote this song on the first few days of Porchay walking out, how he struggled to put words into paper due to the multitude of things he wanted to express. It took him almost three months before he became satisfied with its sound. 

His eyes roamed the venue as he started running out of words before the chorus. He gave up looking for Porchay and began singing with his whole heart, willing the younger man to hear his words. Kim sang his heart out, hoping he could hear his sincerity.

She watched Kim sing with everyone he’s got. Kim has always been a soulful singer. His voice has always been full of emotions whenever he sings for you. However, this is the first time he heard him sing like this. It’s like he has put his everything into the performance. 

Soon, the first song ended and a spotlight opened to illuminate a seat behind a piano. You watched as Kim sat, fiddling with the keys before beginning to play the first few notes. Even through the noise of the crowd, you instantly recognized it as the song he drunkenly wrote while begging for the boy a few seats down to stay with him. It contains the words he longed to tell him but is now too late and he’s too afraid to utter them.

You watched as Porchay watched him with sad eyes and concern etched all over his face. The look he has been giving Kim at the stage is enough for you to know how much the two souls long for each other. Your focus on the younger male took your attention from Kim. You missed the look Kim gave when his eyes finally collided with younger male’s—full of longing, asking for forgiveness, begging him to never stop loving him. It was a look that did not escape his brother’s eyes.

The song ended and Kim stood up from the piano. He smiled like he did not just pour his heart and soul on the stage. It was breathtaking and you felt mesmerized by it. Kim addressed the crowd and told them how it's his last song. The audience gave a collective chant of disappointment and complaints—how it’s too short and too fast. He laughed at their complaints and apologized playfully before giving the band the cue to start playing the last song. It was another one of the many songs you heard him write for him. You felt Tay put his hand on your back, providing you comfort and reassurance. All you can do is fake a bright smile, telling him that you are okay. 

Kim was the last person to perform for the event. He thanked everyone for coming and reminded them to go home safely. The lot stood up from their seats and began socializing with the many faces in the crowd. You looked at your best friend and saw him happily conversing with Pete. He was one of his fashion influences, being a person that is not afraid to wear anything and everything he feels like wearing. It is what made him boldly dress up every day. You’re happy for him and lets him have his fun. Unknowingly, a younger male was eye-ing you as you observed everyone else. 

He looked at the male beside him who was busy with his phone. Sighing, he nudged his best friend to get his attention. Macau begrudgingly looked up and saw his best friend’s doe eyes. One of his eyebrows automatically came up in annoyance and curiosity.

Porchay was still holding on to the sleeves of his coat. He tried to pull his hand away, but Chay’s grip only tightened with every millimeter. Macau sighed while rolling his eyes and looked at Chay inquisitively.

“What is it?” Macau finally asked. “What do you want to do now?” Chay bit his lip as he stole quick glances to his side with just his eyes. Macau followed the direction he was looking at and found the older female enthusiastically chatting with a few people. He can only shake his head at the martyrdom of his best friend. “I’m not gonna help you with that,” he flatly declined.

“But Cau~!!” Porchay begs. He was giving the best doe eyes he can muster to persuade him to even just accompany him.

“You will only hurt yourself, Porchay, and I want no part of that,” Macau gave him a flat look, taking out his phone again.

“Macau~ Please??” Chay begs as he sways his hold on Macau’s arm. “You just have to stand beside me,” he flashed the other boy a begging look, trying to persuade him with all his might.

“Then, tell me, Chay. Why do you desperately want to speak with her?” Porchay can hear Macau’s annoyance in his tone. “You will only be hurting yourself,” Macau sighs.

“I just want to befriend her,” Porchay uttered. “you looks like a good person, Cau. It’s not her fault that you fell in love with Kim,” he reasons. “Besides, I don’t want her to think I hate her when I don’t even remotely feel any negative emotions for anyone,” Porchay fiddled with his fingers as he explained to Macau his thinking.

Macau sighed. He knows he can’t dissuade the latter from wanting to interact with the female. “You’re too kind for this world, Chay,” Macau sighed and took Chay’s arm to start pulling him in the direction of the older female. 

Porchay smiled at his best friend while Macau just continued to look annoyed. He enthusiastically walked with Cau towards the female, trying hard to calm his nerves and not show how he truly felt. The circle of people that surrounded you dissipated as they came nearer, like they knew that Porchay was coming. Macau and Porchay stood in front of you—Cau looked like he’d rather be somewhere else (which he does) and Chay trying his hardest to flash a friendly smile. You can only look at them with astonishment and awe.

“Hi!” Porchay greeted you. “I think you already know us,” he said with a giggle. “But, I’m Porchay and this grumpy gremlin here is my best friend Macau,” he introduced the both of them. Macau huffed at the description Porchay gave, which made the other boy giggle even more in amusement.

You were shook out of your stupor by his melodic giggle. Chuckling at your ridiculousness, you flashed them a bright smile. “Uhm… yea,” you answered shyly. “It’s nice meeting you both,” you added.

“So…” Porchay cutely put his hand together as he swayed back and forth on his foot. 

He was about to ask more about you when a hand and an arm suddenly came around you which took their attention. Your face lit up as you turned to face the owner of the hand. Porchay’s and Macau’s eyes followed the arm that led to the face Macau hates the most at this time. Kim was looking at them as Porchay’s bright smile slowly dimmed and Macau’s face became even gloomier, the tension between the three males becoming even heavier.