Chapter 11: Sing Your Heart Out

A few days later…

Kim was invited to sing at the anniversary celebration of one of the biggest malls in the city. It is the first of the many shows he has booked for the next few weeks. He has a full calendar and he was happy about it. Kim is one of the biggest rising stars in the country and it shows through the number of events and shows he has been booking.

Kim just released his latest single the night before and tonight is the first time he will be singing it live. You're also coming to watch him at the mall show. It will also be the first time you will be seen with his family and their lovers. Time and Tay will be coming with you so you would not feel left out, although Kim’s big brothers are really fun, kind and humble people.

It also means his former lover will be in the mix. You have never met him in person though you have been seeing him in pictures. P’Tankhun has been especially proud of the younger male since he has been excelling in his studies and music unlike their youngest cousin who seems to struggle with his. 

Kim asked the organizers to send his brothers and cousins invitations for the event. Fortunately, all of the Theerapanyakul boys decided to grace the event with their presence. It is the first event after a long while anyway. Kim went on a long hiatus after he and Porchay broke up. He lost all the will to write music—lyrics and melodies just won’t come to him. It felt like his music left him the moment the younger boy decided to turn his back on him and step out of his life. 

However, it is only one person that Kim wants to be there—and he's not confident that he will see him there. He’s a total wildcard, extremely unpredictable. However, Kim hopes against all hopes that he will show up and watch Kim perform his song.

You stepped into the backseat of Time’s car. Your best friend was seated on the passenger seat across from his lover. His body is turned towards you at the backseat, a beautiful smile on his face. You reciprocated it before addressing Time that is busy maneuvering the car onto the highway with a hello. 

“You look so excited,” Tay commented.

“Of course!” you answered enthusiastically. Tay shook his head as he turned back to face towards the front. “This will be the first time I get to watch him sing in his full element,” you sounded so wondrous and exuberant that Tay hesitates to burst your bubble.

Tay wanted to point out the latest song he released is another break up song. It is another song that illustrates how he has been longing for his former lover. He wanted you to open your eyes and be made aware of this fact.

Time noticed how worried, annoyed and anxious his lover looked. He took Tay’s hand to anchor him and calm him. Time watched as the little tension that the exuberance of the girl behind them brought Tay slowly dissipated. He offered Tay a reassuring smile when he noticed his lover take a glance his way. Tay squeezed his hand and exhaled a slow sigh to calm down.

You noticed Time’s hand holding onto Tay’s. It made a small smile appear on your lips. Your eyes shifted between the comforting and reassuring smile plastered on Time’s lips and the trust in your best friend’s eyes as he looked at his lover. It made you more appreciative of Time and his positive influence in your best friend’s life. 

Although you have known Tay since you were in middle school, it was only in high school, when Time came into the picture, when you first saw Tay smile radiantly. The radiant and carefree smiles and laugh was thanks to the very person that holds him now. 

Time was the person that took Tay out of his shell. He let him fully express himself and discover who he is. Time let Tay become the brave person he is today—a proud gay man who is not afraid to stand up for every thing or person he loves and what he believes in. Time is the foundation that ensures Tay will always be standing strong through quakes and obstacles that may shake him and who he is. Nevertheless, his presence in Tay’s life assures you that someone will be looking after you best friend even when you’re gone.

Kim had to come in for make up and styling, so he left earlier than everyone. Everyone else was still either sleeping or busy with their own businesses. It made him more worried and apprehensive about what can happen later at the event. After his stylist gave him the okay, he was ushered inside the van that will take him to the venue. Kim immediately took out his phone as soon as he got inside the van to check upon his brothers.

He exhaled a sigh of relief when his brother mentioned that he would be coming to watch him. On the other hand, it also made him more nervous and apprehensive. This will be the first time he will perform this song live. It’s the first time he will sing it in front of an audience, a crowd of people that includes the love he will never deserve to get back. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back to get a hold of his sanity. Kim was in the middle of performing a breathing exercise when his phone chimed. He took a look at the screen and found you shot him a text. He forgot that you will also be at the event.

After a few moments, the van arrived at the underground parking lot. It stopped by the door where all artists pass through to get to the dressing room at the back of the stage of their event hall. Kim was ushered by an army of guards, from the mall and from his brother’s personal army. Although the access was private, he still had to pass through the mall to get to the events mall. So, to make the journey easier, the mall had him ride a cart to minimize the time he had to spend on the main mall floor. Getting inside the venue, he was immediately pulled through sound checks and run-throughs which had become second nature to him. After a minor issue with his in-ear not working, he finally was able to get to his waiting room and relax before he needed to get on stage. 

The boys arrived at the venue half an hour before the event was scheduled to start. They were photographed as they walked down the red carpet laid down for the prestigious guests. These two powerful families are known for being great clans of business tycoons, holding a few of the largest brands in the country. The Theerapanyakuls have some of the top hotels and resorts under their belts while the Kittisawasds own a few widely known fashion brands. It is what made them influential figures and widely known to the public even beyond Kim’s fame.

Kim was scrolling through the blue bird app as he waited for the event to start and for his cue. He saw the photos of his brothers from fans that know of them and from legitimate media entities covering the event. A photo of Porchay made him stop scrolling. He was wearing an all white outfit that made him look ethereal. Porchay looks like the angel that he is tonight. Kim sighed and locked his phone, willing the image of the younger male out of his head and failing. A few moments later, he was notified that the event is starting and he will be on in a few minutes.

Kim is already at the entrance to the stage, waiting for the performer before him to finish their stage. He was hiding behind the curtains, sneaking a peek at the crowd to look for his brothers, to look for him. He found Kinn and Porsche a few rows from the stage, but failed to locate him. Kim was still looking for Chay when the AD cued him for his turn. He greeted the crowd, smiling one of his brightest smiles due to the intense cheer of the crowd.

“Hello, guys,” he greeted once again as he was reaching the middle of the stage. “Are you having fun tonight?” The crowd cheered even louder as he looked around while standing on stage. He doesn’t have his guitar now, and it makes him feel naked and exposed. But the loud cheers from the crowd is boosting his confidence. He smiled again as he addressed the crowd more. “It’s been quite a while, right?” he chuckled at the disappointed rumble of the crowd. “I’m back now, and I’ve brought a few songs with me. Do you want to hear it?” the crowd answered him by shouting a collective ‘yes’ in perfect unison. 

He looked at the band behind him with a smile to cue them before flashing a brighter smile at the roaring crowd again. The beginning notes of ‘Loop’ began resonating through the hall as the guitarist started strumming his guitar. 

Kim watched as he began singing the first verse, letting each note engulf his being. He started to feel everything again, how he wrote this song on the first few days of Porchay walking out, how he struggled to put words into paper due to the multitude of things he wanted to express. It took him almost three months before he became satisfied with its sound. 

His eyes roamed the venue as he started running out of words before the chorus. He gave up looking for Porchay and began singing with his whole heart, willing the younger man to hear his words. Kim sang his heart out, hoping he could hear his sincerity.

She watched Kim sing with everyone he’s got. Kim has always been a soulful singer. His voice has always been full of emotions whenever he sings for you. However, this is the first time he heard him sing like this. It’s like he has put his everything into the performance. 

Soon, the first song ended and a spotlight opened to illuminate a seat behind a piano. You watched as Kim sat, fiddling with the keys before beginning to play the first few notes. Even through the noise of the crowd, you instantly recognized it as the song he drunkenly wrote while begging for the boy a few seats down to stay with him. It contains the words he longed to tell him but is now too late and he’s too afraid to utter them.

You watched as Porchay watched him with sad eyes and concern etched all over his face. The look he has been giving Kim at the stage is enough for you to know how much the two souls long for each other. Your focus on the younger male took your attention from Kim. You missed the look Kim gave when his eyes finally collided with younger male’s—full of longing, asking for forgiveness, begging him to never stop loving him. It was a look that did not escape his brother’s eyes.

The song ended and Kim stood up from the piano. He smiled like he did not just pour his heart and soul on the stage. It was breathtaking and you felt mesmerized by it. Kim addressed the crowd and told them how it's his last song. The audience gave a collective chant of disappointment and complaints—how it’s too short and too fast. He laughed at their complaints and apologized playfully before giving the band the cue to start playing the last song. It was another one of the many songs you heard him write for him. You felt Tay put his hand on your back, providing you comfort and reassurance. All you can do is fake a bright smile, telling him that you are okay. 

Kim was the last person to perform for the event. He thanked everyone for coming and reminded them to go home safely. The lot stood up from their seats and began socializing with the many faces in the crowd. You looked at your best friend and saw him happily conversing with Pete. He was one of his fashion influences, being a person that is not afraid to wear anything and everything he feels like wearing. It is what made him boldly dress up every day. You’re happy for him and lets him have his fun. Unknowingly, a younger male was eye-ing you as you observed everyone else. 

He looked at the male beside him who was busy with his phone. Sighing, he nudged his best friend to get his attention. Macau begrudgingly looked up and saw his best friend’s doe eyes. One of his eyebrows automatically came up in annoyance and curiosity.

Porchay was still holding on to the sleeves of his coat. He tried to pull his hand away, but Chay’s grip only tightened with every millimeter. Macau sighed while rolling his eyes and looked at Chay inquisitively.

“What is it?” Macau finally asked. “What do you want to do now?” Chay bit his lip as he stole quick glances to his side with just his eyes. Macau followed the direction he was looking at and found the older female enthusiastically chatting with a few people. He can only shake his head at the martyrdom of his best friend. “I’m not gonna help you with that,” he flatly declined.

“But Cau~!!” Porchay begs. He was giving the best doe eyes he can muster to persuade him to even just accompany him.

“You will only hurt yourself, Porchay, and I want no part of that,” Macau gave him a flat look, taking out his phone again.

“Macau~ Please??” Chay begs as he sways his hold on Macau’s arm. “You just have to stand beside me,” he flashed the other boy a begging look, trying to persuade him with all his might.

“Then, tell me, Chay. Why do you desperately want to speak with her?” Porchay can hear Macau’s annoyance in his tone. “You will only be hurting yourself,” Macau sighs.

“I just want to befriend her,” Porchay uttered. “you looks like a good person, Cau. It’s not her fault that you fell in love with Kim,” he reasons. “Besides, I don’t want her to think I hate her when I don’t even remotely feel any negative emotions for anyone,” Porchay fiddled with his fingers as he explained to Macau his thinking.

Macau sighed. He knows he can’t dissuade the latter from wanting to interact with the female. “You’re too kind for this world, Chay,” Macau sighed and took Chay’s arm to start pulling him in the direction of the older female. 

Porchay smiled at his best friend while Macau just continued to look annoyed. He enthusiastically walked with Cau towards the female, trying hard to calm his nerves and not show how he truly felt. The circle of people that surrounded you dissipated as they came nearer, like they knew that Porchay was coming. Macau and Porchay stood in front of you—Cau looked like he’d rather be somewhere else (which he does) and Chay trying his hardest to flash a friendly smile. You can only look at them with astonishment and awe.

“Hi!” Porchay greeted you. “I think you already know us,” he said with a giggle. “But, I’m Porchay and this grumpy gremlin here is my best friend Macau,” he introduced the both of them. Macau huffed at the description Porchay gave, which made the other boy giggle even more in amusement.

You were shook out of your stupor by his melodic giggle. Chuckling at your ridiculousness, you flashed them a bright smile. “Uhm… yea,” you answered shyly. “It’s nice meeting you both,” you added.

“So…” Porchay cutely put his hand together as he swayed back and forth on his foot. 

He was about to ask more about you when a hand and an arm suddenly came around you which took their attention. Your face lit up as you turned to face the owner of the hand. Porchay’s and Macau’s eyes followed the arm that led to the face Macau hates the most at this time. Kim was looking at them as Porchay’s bright smile slowly dimmed and Macau’s face became even gloomier, the tension between the three males becoming even heavier.

Hi Anon, I’m sooooo sorry it’s taken me decades to answer your ask.  My inbox is even more of a disaster than usual right now. 

I’ve read some amazing fics on twitter this year, however they’re really hard to rec because they’re so transient. You read them and then they’re gone, unless the author also happens to post them on AO3 (which I would highly recommend!) I really should get into the habit of bookmarking twitter fics, but somehow I never get round to it. @eruriluv’s twitter fics are all amazing and I always enjoy reading them.  A couple of other authors I can recommend following who periodically write twitter fics are @MmeMacbethsSpot, @NonchalantDroid and @zorthania.  Here are a few of their fics that I can recommend. 

Modern AU Eruri- Dating App by @MmeMacbethsSpot

Angsty canon #eruri idea by @NonchalantDroid

After by @zorthania 

Kirishima slurps loudly, head tilted back and throat working as he swallows.

Katsuki downed his own soda a block earlier and is walking with his hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans, staring at his classmate through his hair.

Can empty, Kirishima’s quirk pulses to life, aluminum crumpling like so much tissue paper in his grip. It gets rolled into a ball and when a gap appears in the sluggish suburban traffic, tossed into a dumpster across the street with flawless aim.

It’s nothing special. Not a real skill in the grand scheme of things and Katsuki scolds himself for being even slightly impressed.

“C’mon, man. Let’s go. It’ll be fun,” Kirishima says, something like challenge in his tone. Like he’s issuing a dare.

Katsuki looks away, chews on the inside of his cheek. Shit. And here he was hoping Hair-for-Brains had forgotten about the damn nerd’s text.

They’ll be leaving for camp in five days. Cooped up in the middle of nowhere, grinding on each other’s nerves until the start of term.

The thought of meeting Freezer Burn’s empty stare, listening to Emergency Exit’s officious yelling and dealing with the sheer audacity of Deku’s existence before he absolutely has to…

No thanks.

It’s not that Shitty Hair isn’t annoying. He absolutely is, but their quirks are complimentary. Good for sparring. And, well. Katsuki would lick the nitroglycerin off his palms before he’d admit it, but Kirishima doesn’t piss him off as much as people usually do. The guy doesn’t spout pointless crap just to feel his own gums move and he knows how to listen. As if he actually gives a fuck about what Katsuki has to say.

He’s found himself confessing things he’s never told another living soul. Like why he came to UA, why he wants to be a hero, why Deku is such a torn in his side…

“The nerd can fuck off,” Katsuki growls for the third time in an hour.

He gets a shove in response. Just a friendly push. No real force behind it, but it takes footwork to keep from staggering into the road.

Katsuki rights himself and pushes back, more reflex than decision. It’s needlessly aggressive. A full-body blow that would put any other boy from his middle school – shit, most of his UA class – on the ground.

Kirishima sways, steps one foot to the side to counterbalance, but is otherwise unaffected. He just laughs it off, carefree and unmoved.

“C’mon, Baku-bro,” he wheedles, accent thick around the stupid Anglicism. “Let’s go to the pool. It’s a thousand degrees and there’s nothing else to do.”

“I could murder you,” Katsuki grumbles, ignoring the slight throb in his arm. Even without Kirishima’s quirk activated, shoving him felt like shoulder-clipping a wall.

“Sure thing, man. You can drown me in the pool. At least I’ll get to cool off before I go,” Kirishima sarcs back, grinning like a friendly shark.

Katsuki feels a smile tug at the corner of his lips and rolls his eyes to ward it off. “Tch. Whatever, Shitty Hair.”

“Whoo!” Kirishima cheers, pumping a fist in the air as he throws an arm around Katsuki’s shoulders.

He lets it happen, doesn’t shrug it off even when the contact lingers long enough to blur into a hug.

When Kirishima lets go, Katsuki’s face feels warm, skin tingling where he can feel the impression of the other boy’s arm through his shirt. It pulls at something. An instinct suspended between his heart and his guts, lodged deeper than even his drive to win.

“Idiot,” Katsuki mutters under his breath, not sure which of them he’s talking to.

Chapter 6: Moving On to Not Letting Go

It has been almost a year since that incident when Kim made a disappearing act. Vegas' anger took a while to subside, and Kim struggled to earn his forgiveness. He had to think of several ways to persuade his cousin and best friend to forgive him. But, everyone knows that Vegas' anger is his way of expressing his concern and love for the people dearest to him.

Now, he and Kim are sitting at a cafe as they wait for Pete to finish his meeting with one of his managers. Pete established a restaurant that specializes in Southern Thai cuisine. He was able to expand to three locations within the city. Today, they were going around checking up on the branches and ensuring that everything was in working order. Knowing that they have nothing to contribute, Kim and Vegas decided to back off and wait for Pete at a cafe nearby. They don't want to impede his work.

Vegas stared at Kim, who was sitting across from him. The latter is on his phone, probably texting his lover. She was not able to join them due to a prior engagement she cannot cancel. Now, Kim is texting her with a small smile on his face. But, Vegas can see something is not right though Kim looks happy to everyone else that sees him. He doesn't quite seem like the Kim he knows. Everything looks forced. But, Vegas did not want to intrude and meddle on his affairs. Nevertheless, he wants to get a clear picture of what Kim feels.

Vegas picked up his cup of coffee and took a sip. He looked at the man in front of him intently and waited till he finished typing a reply. "Kim," he called him as soon as he saw Kim hit send and put his cup down. Kim looked at him and picked up his cup of iced coffee to take a sip. He raised his eyebrow in acknowledgement, urging Vegas to continue. "Are you finally happy with her?" Vegas asked without preamble, as he stared directly into Kim's eyes.

He noticed Kim stopped sipping his drink midway. There was a look of surprise then confusion in the way his eyebrows started knitting together. Kim slowly put his drink back on top of the table and averted his gaze outside the window. He blankly looked at the passing cars and people, contemplating his emotions and considering his feelings. Vegas watched his cousin silently and waited for him to come to a conclusion about the state of his genuine feelings.

"Why do you ask?" Kim softly asked a moment later. Vegas almost missed it if he was not waiting. Hurt etched at the corner of Kim's eyes as he turned back to his cousin. "Why do you ask, Vegas?" he repeated, louder this time.

Vegas looked intently into his cousin's eyes. He was looking for a way to phrase his next statement without making it sound assuming and accusatory. Vegas licked his lip and swallowed a lump in his throat. "Because, I know you too well, Kimhan. You cannot hide from me," the older of the two cousins gave the younger cousin a gentle smile.

Kim shook his head with a wry laugh, his pointer finger rising in the air. It meant two things between the two of them; for Vegas to stop talking and not to dare accuse him. Vegas sighed at this reaction.

"I'm not trying to accuse you of anything, Kim. I just want to hear your truth," Vegas said slowly. Kim's incredulous expression turned to a wry smile. He pinched the bridge of his nose and refused to acknowledge what Vegas was implying. "Kim, I know you are trying. But, it's best to let go if you don't feel anything for her. It will hurt her. Don't make the same mistake again, man," he continued.

"I don't deserve him, Vegas," was what he heard from Kim as an answer. Kim looked up at him again, hurt and pain evident in his eyes. "After hurting him like that? I don't ever deserve to have him again," Kim leaned forward, putting his elbows on top of his knees and buried his face in his hands. "Porchay is too pure to be with someone like me," he uttered in tortured voice.

Vegas watched as his cousin look so tortured and pained by the thought of Porchay. It's been a year. Yet, Kim has never told him about what happened between him and Porchay. All Vegas knows is that Kim and Chay had been having small fights those days before it blew up and they finally broke up. He still does not have the heart to ask his cousin the story. But, one thing is for sure, Kim is only forcing himself to love her and she doesn't deserve the half-assed effort he has been giving.

"But, she also doesn't deserve what you're giving her, Kimhan," Vegas said in a low voice as he also leaned forward to look Kim eye to eye. "She does not deserve to get only half of you,” he said slowly. 

Vegas gave Kim another smile, it’s small and full of sympathy. It is one of the expressions Kim hates seeing. Kim ran his hand over his face and brushed it through his hair as he sat back.

Vegas watched him intently. “It's either you learn to let go of Porchay to give her your all, or you don't give her anything at all and start fighting for Chay with everything you have, Kim," he continued. Vegas leaned back again as he picked his cup up for a sip. "Think about it, Kim. I'll let you decide what to do," Vegas advised as he watched Pete enter the cafè and walk to where they were sitting.

You locked your phone after reading the last reply your boyfriend sent. It was enough to ease some of the tension you have been feeling ever since you started driving earlier. You gathered all your belongings and got out of the car. Clicking the lock button on the key fob, you began walking away from your vehicle to get to the restaurant where you agreed to meet with someone.

It was a two minute walk from where you parked your car to the restaurant. You were feeling nervous the whole time you were on your way. Feeling your heart beating twice as fast, you pushed the heavy glass doors to enter the restaurant.

A smiling maitre'd greeted her as soon as you got inside. You smiled back at the maitre'd and spoke about the reservation made under the name of the person you are meeting. The maitre'd checked the master list before guiding you to your assigned table.

You followed the maitre’d further inside the restaurant to a private corner. The table was nestled between gigantic pots of monstera deliciosa and palm ferns. It provided a sense of intimacy and privacy to the table. The giant pots also made her feel calm.

You saw the person you had agreed to meet already sitting at the table. Taking a deep breath, you strolled to the table with all the confidence you can muster. Giving the maitre'd a smile as you mumbled your thanks, you approached the seat nearest to you. Taking out the chair, you placed her bag on the adjacent seat and sat down. You refused to look up as you fidgeted with the utensils set uniformly atop the table.

Unbeknownst to you, the person sitting across from you is starting to get irritated and impatient. However, you refuse to address her. The clearing of her throat startled you out of your efforts to not look nor acknowledge her presence.

"Hello, dear," you flinched since the other person's high-pitched voice felt like a screeching noise in your ear. "I see you still have not found your manners," they continued.

You scoffed at that remark. "It was never as if you deserve an ounce of respect from me," was your biting retort to her acid remark.

"Watch your words, I'm still your mother," the screeching voice venomously hissed at her.

"No,” you scoffed at her use of the word that is supposed to evoke warm feelings, yet it does not work on you. “You never really had any motherly instinct. You're simply the woman who gave birth to me," you bit back. "Y' know what? There's no point to this. It's just a waste of time," you made an attempt to stand up, picking up her handbag from the adjacent seat.

"Sit your ass down, young lady, before I pull you back to that seat," the woman who calls herself your mother threatened you.

You cannot help but release a dry, incredulous laugh. "Go on," you challenged. "At this point, I'm not even intimidated by such threats," you spat and stood up from her seat.

"You really are such an ungrateful, brat," the woman spat with a venomous voice.

The remark made you stop in your tracks. You felt incredulous to ever give a damn about what this woman thinks and says. Steeling yourself and gathering all the confidence in your body, you faced the woman who calls herself your mother, "I was grateful for a lot of things; the roof above my head, the food I was able to eat three times a day, the clothes on my back. Yes, they were all given by you and dad. But, you know what I was most grateful for?" you asked her. "I was, and still am, grateful that I was able to walk away from such a manipulative, deceiving and wretched person like you. Heck! I can never thank God enough that I have the means to get out of the hell hole you made of what was supposed to be a loving home," you spat, full of pain and hatred for the woman in front of you.

You watched as the woman's face morphed from proud to fuming and angry humiliation. Her expression is one of indignation. It made you feel proud that you could stand up to that vile woman. You are grateful you are not the lost child that you were in front of the woman who gave her birth anymore. Looking proudly into the other's eyes, you steeled herself to continue saying the things you had been keeping inside her for all these years.

"You were never motherly," you scoffed. "Heck! I don't even remember much of my childhood because of your emotional abandonment. You were never there. If you were, all you do is command me on being a good, proper school girl. Then, you gaslit me into doing things because you provided me a house, food, clothes, money, and everything else anyone could ever ask for," you chuckled drily. "Reality check, you bitch! That. Was. Your. Fucking. Obligation!” you leaned down and iterated each word. “But, I guess people only give birth because they see their kids as tools, “ you chided.

“That is not what being a mother is about. But, I guess, we both know that you are not capable of that. We guess that you are one of those parents that tend to bleed their kids dry. Guess what? If whatever higher being there had let me choose my family, I would have NEVER chosen you,” You pushed yourself off as a tear fell from your eyes. You can see your frank remark got to her. "I don't know why I didn't see your wretchedness much sooner but crave for your love and approval. I wouldn't have been this fucked up if I just saw it sooner," you scoffed as you checked if your clothes look proper and there is no speck of dirt on it.

"That was the past. I have no ties to you now. You have no hold on me anymore, and you never will. I'm living a life of my own now, away from you. So, let me be. Don't come for me again. Besides, I don't ever wish to see you again anyway," you ended proudly and walked away from the woman. you felt proud that her voice never once waver, that you never sounded vulnerable. Now, you feel some of the cloud that had been surrounding her lift. It made her feel lighter, brighter.

Macau asked Porchay to stay over at their house so they could study together. It's their exam season although they are studying in different programmes. Macau is taking a Communication course while taking a Minor in Arts. On the other hand, Porchay decided to still pursue Music.

Their next few days will be spent drowning in revisions, notes, lectures and powerpoint slides. Although they are in different courses, they share some of their minor subjects together. Macau often borrows Chay's notes since he writes better notes than him. It's the primary reason he asked Chay to stay over.

They are now in his bed with his cat, Mafia. He was busy copying the notes Chay lent him while the cat was observing him. They were joking about how he was studying with them when they heard the doors downstairs. Macau and Chay did not pay them any mind and continued with their reviewers. A few moments later, the door to Macau's room was pushed open and Pete peaked inside.

"Hi, P'Pete," Porchay greeted his brother's best friend. Macau turned to the door and just watched as Pete gave them a big smile, the one that his brother loves so much.

"How have reviews been treating you?" the older asked the two students.

"We're getting by, P'Pete," Macau answered for the two of them. "Why are you here?" he asked. He did not intend to sound rude. It was just that, his mind is too preoccupied trying to make sense of the notes he’s copying and internalizing the concepts. Pete understands and did not think much of it.

"I just wanted to tell you that Vegas and I brought back some snacks in case you feel hungry or want to take a break," Pete informed them.

"Thank you, Phi," Porchay thanked the older man with a big smile as he closed the notebook he was holding. "I do feel a little hungry," he remarked which Macau and Pete chuckled to.

"You're always hungry," Macau remarked as he, too, started to put away his pens and notebooks. Porchay glared at him and stuck his tongue out in answer. Macau just shook his head at the other boy's antics.

The three of them came out of Macau's room and came down the stairs together. The boys were joking around behind Pete as they made their way to the dining room where Vegas was busy taking out the snacks they bought. Pete hurriedly walked to Vegas' side to help him with the snacks as Porchay and Macau noisily came inside the room. 

The two young boys ran to the table, which Vegas protested to, and enthusiastically looked at the array of dishes laid out in the middle of the table. Porchay was volunteering to get plates and utensils when another figure came out from the kitchen, holding a few plates and pairs of forks and knives. It made Porchay freeze in his spot, his eyes wide, like a deer caught in the headlights. Although it had been over a year since they broke up and Kim started seeing someone else, it does not mean Porchay has managed to move on.

No.

He's too far away from achieving that…

He grits his teeth, feels the popping sensation as his quirk flares and squeezes his eyes shut.

He’s exploding with everything he has, using enough force to level a city block, but the guy just won’t. Let. Go.

He passed the threshold of his endurance within the first ten minutes.

It hurts.

Every explosion feels like it's tearing through his forearms, melting his skin. The percussion rattles down to his bones, but the bastard only coils tighter. Tendrils of disgusting slime soak through his clothes, slithering up his neck, prodding at his mouth.

It wants in, wants down his goddamn throat.

The why of it - what the guy intends to do if he achieves that goal - makes Katsuki's mind blank in horror, and the panic is enough to jar another blast from his flesh.

There are milliseconds when the hold on him loosens, stoking the waning ember of his resolve, but the slime only shifts, coalescing from a different angle. The guy's unhinged monologue drifts in and out of hearing. Something about Katsuki's quirk, something about his body and revenge. All Katsuki knows is that he's in the grip of a lunatic, and...

No one's helping. There are pro-heroes on the scene. He catches glimpses of them, in-between rallying his quirk and his useless, desperate writhing to get free. He sees them dodge, defending others, but they're all keeping their distance. No one's coming for him.

Another explosion roars outward, but it hurts. Hurts bad enough to push out the tears Katsuki told himself he wouldn't let fall. And, worse than the pain, is the creeping weakness. Defiance is yielding to terror with every breath he has to fight for and even that is a losing battle.

A thick glob surges up from his neck, splattering his face. The grip is cold and clammy, the touch of death itself as it closes over his nose and mouth. His vision blurs. If he explodes again, he'll pass out and if that happens--

Black spots bloom before his eyes. He feels consciousness swirling, water slipping down the drain.

"Kacchan!"

The stupid childish nickname yanks at his awareness.

Deku?

He's not sure if what he's seeing is even real, but the burn of sweat and grit in his eyes says that it's not just in his head.

https://twitter.com/lingering_nomad/status/1186967958016483329

Chapter 13 : Interlude

On the other hand, Macau and Porchay are still inside. The three of them were awkwardly standing together. Porchay was trying really hard to engage her in a conversation. Macau can’t help but roll his eyes. Taking out his phone, Macau shot Porchay a text to ask him about the bullshit he said when he introduced them. Seeing the two younger individuals sent each other messages, albeit regrettably for Porchay’s part, Kim’s girlfriend excused herself. She flashed them an awkward smile before walking away to talk to other people she knows that attended the event. Macau sneered at her as she was walking away.

Kim sighed and took out his phone as his big brother walked away. He felt it vibrate a few minutes ago but was too preoccupied by his conversation with his brother. 

The screen lit up as he brought it out of his pocket showing him that his girlfriend sent him a message. It made another sigh slip from between his lips. Kim still does not know what he will do. He’s still contemplating how to better approach the inevitable. Like it or not, he will have to hurt her one last time, and he does not know how she will handle the pain. 

Still, tonight is not the best time. Kim started typing a reply to her. He decided to put off meeting her and spending time with her since he is still trying to decide how he will go about things. 

After receiving her reply, he locked his phone screen and leaned back. He reclined further until his head was laying on the backrest of the bench. Busying himself with what little glittering stars can be seen in the night sky, he concocted the beginnings of a plan in his head. A few moments later, he felt his phone vibrate again. He brought it up to his face, seeing messages from Vegas and from Kinn on the group chat room they made for them, cousins. Kim began with Vegas’ message.

Kim just read your message and did not respond anymore. Letting a sigh slip from her lips, you exit the message window for Kim to shoot your best friend a message. Although you know that Tay will always come to your rescue, no questions asked, you really hate asking him for help every time. You already owe him too much and it made you feel less—less of a friend and less of a person. Nevertheless, you have no other choice now. 

Kinn took out his phone as he walked back inside the mall, on his way back to the events hall. Most people, save from a few staff and security services, have already left the mall. It’s well past midnight, about an hour since the mall’s official closing hours, so Kinn did not really think much of it. He found Porsche messaged him a few minutes earlier and he missed it. Kinn shot him back a message which he immediately replied to. He bet his lover has been checking his phone every few seconds to check if Kinn has answered his text. Kinn shot a message on their group chat too before going back to the message window of his lover.

Kim was offended by the audacity of his brothers and cousins to talk in their group chat like he’s not part of it. He decided to shoot them a message. Kinn and Vegas just shot him back with reaction emojis instead of replying. He just shut off his phone screen with an exasperated sigh, annoyed at his family.

Chapter 12: I See You Now

Kim watched as the smile on Porchay’s face slowly dimmed until it completely faded. On the other hand, Macau was glaring at him from beside Chay. He chose to ignore his younger cousin. However, Porchay’s eyes were shifting between the man he does not dare to possess and the woman beside him. He felt like someone was trying to pull his heart out based on the pain he was feeling on his chest.

The feel of someone’s fingers on his cheek brought his attention back to the present. He looked down at the woman beside him, following the arm that owns the hand lightly brushing his cheek.

You were smiling at him, taking pride in the thought that he is standing beside you, albeit his heart and mind are yearning for the boy across from you. Despite that knowledge, you're determined to keep him with you for however long you can manage. Flashing the brightest affectionate smile you can muster, you brushed off the strands of hair hanging in front of his face, slightly grazing his cheek.

“You did so amazing, love,” you proudly muttered as you tucked the strands behind his ear. He gave you a grateful smile, yet his eyes looked so dead, unlike when he was looking at the younger male across from you.

A clearing of someone’s throat took both of your attention. You looked at the two persons standing across you while Kim looked at the people around, trying to locate his brothers. “I apologize, boys,” you addressed them impishly. Turning to Porchay, you flashed an inquisitive smile, silently hoping that your envy and jealousy was not showing through.  “Were you about to ask me something?” you asked Porchay.

Macau released an obnoxious scoff, seeing through the veil that you so hardly put up. Your well-placed smile slightly faltered, it was barely noticeable. It earned him a slight smack on his tummy from Porchay as a warning. The latter shot him a reproaching look, telling him to behave. You watched as Macau rolled his eyes although they became softer when it landed on the softer-looking boy. After reprimanding his best friend, Porchay turned back to the couple in front of them, although he refused to even glance at the older male.

He flashed you a soft and shy smile, fiddling with his fingers by his chest. There was a visible blush blooming on his cheeks, making him look more like an edgy cherub in his all white outfit. “I just wanted to tell you Macau and I,” the uninterested look on Macau’s face morphed into one of confusion and reproach. Porchay pinched Macau’s side to stop him from protesting. “Macau and I are pleased to meet you and want to become your friend. After all, you are dating his cousin,” he covered his mouth because of bashfulness, letting out a small laugh.

Watching the younger male, you came to understand how Kim was not able to stop loving him. Chay was everything that is pure in this world. He was innocent, kind and humble. you can’t find anything hostile, antagonistic or malicious in the way he addresses. In fact, it is quite the contrary. All you can feel from his energy is warmth, acceptance and comfort. Despite your desire to hate the boy, you just can’t find yourself to feel anything negative. A small, fond smile also bloomed on your lips, in spite of yourself.

“It was my pleasure,” you uttered. Macau can see the conflict in your eyes, yet he chose to not comment on it.

Kim cannot help but feel anxious and apprehensive as he watches you and Porchay interact. He can’t help but feel nervous about his two worlds colliding––a past he cannot let go and a present he needs to free. 

Feeling restless and anxious, he looked around for his big brothers. He found them a few meters away from where he and the two boys were standing. Relieved to find them, he immediately excused himself and approached his brothers. He left a lively Porchay with you, knowing that whatever happens, he will always treat others with warmth and sympathy.

“Kinn,” he called on his second eldest brother. Khun, Porsche and Kinn were talking to a few people that looked to run on their circle. Coming closer, Kim heard them spitting statistics and stock prices with other unfamiliar terms in between. “Kinn,” Kim called his brother again, this time he was successful since the older man turned at the sound of his voice. 

Kinn smiled at the group of men and excused himself. “What’s wrong, Kim?” Kinn asked as soon as he saw the anxious look in his younger brother’s face. “Did something happen?” his Hia was worried.

“Hia, I need to talk to you,” Kim sighed. “But, not here,” he added as he looked at the crowd surrounding them. 

Kinn looked around, seeing the collection of guests scattered all over the events hall. It is very likely that someone will be eavesdropping on their conversation with how packed the hall is.

He nodded at Kim before approaching Khun and Porsche to tell them that they will be stepping away for a while. Kim saw Khun wanting to come with them, but Kinn was able to dissuade him with the help of Porsche. 

A few moments later, Kinn stepped away from the two men and walked towards him. Kinn took his shoulder, laying his arm over it and started dragging him along. Kim voluntarily went with his older brother, feeling relieved that he can talk to him now. Yet, his eyes met yours as they were walking out. You shot him an inquisitive look that he reciprocated with a reassuring one, telling you it’s nothing serious. 

The brothers decided to make full use of the small park inside the mall property. It was filled with plants and large trees, and benches scattered in regular intervals. Kinn pulled his younger brother to the middle of the park where there were less people.

Kinn stared at Kim who was fidgeting beside him. He’s just waiting for the younger male to finally confide in him. Although he already knows about what happened between his brother and Porchay, he does not intrude on his brother’s affairs. Kim already came to him a few times, but all he has ever done is listen to what Kim had to say and advise him on matters objectively.

Kim gulped and rubbed his face with the palm of his hand as he sighed. He took a deep breath before turning towards his brother with confusion in his eyes, like a lost child. “Hia,” Kim called Kinn. He raked his hand through his hair again as he tried to find the right words to phrase his question. “Have you—“ Kinn raised an eyebrow when Kim abruptly stopped. Kim sighed, feeling nervous and apprehensive. He looked away from his brother before uttering his question. “Have you ever thought about not deserving P’Porsche or his love?” Kim rubbed his palm on his thighs to stop himself from fidgeting.

Kinn watched his younger brother as he squirms in his seat and fidget with everything—from his fingers, the helm of his coat to the wood of the bench. He felt a fond smile bloom on his face because of the way Kim was acting beside him. Reminiscing the days when Kim was still young and Kinn was already in high school, he thought his younger brother is the same cranky kid that sulked because he did not get the toy he was asking for. The thought made Kinn release a fond chuckle which caused Kim to look at him with knotted brows. He just shook his head at Kim.

“Why are you laughing?” there was annoyance in Kim’s voice.

“I just remembered something. Don’t mind me,” Kinn answered as he scratched the tip of his nose.

“Just answer my question, Hia,” Kim groaned, feeling anxious and ashamed.

Kinn took a deep breath to calm himself before clearing his throat. “You want to know if I ever thought Porsche was too good for me?” he asked Kim. His younger brother nodded with eagerness and anticipation. He gave him a small smile. “Always,” was his simple answer.

Kinn saw Kim’s curiosity and wonder grow through eyes. He’s sure that his answer both confused and satisfied his brother’s mind. “Why?” Kim asked.

“What do you mean ‘why’?” Kinn asked in confusion.

“Why do you think you don’t deserve P’Porsche?” Kim clarified. He looked intently at his brother, his fingers remained locked and stopped fidgeting.

Kinn looked up at the night sky. There were barely any stars since the city lights are overpowering the glow of most of the celestial bodies. Nevertheless, a small but fond smile remained on his face.

“Everyone knows our story,” Kinn began. His smile dimmed as he remembered the past. “The society we lived in was not as forgiving as it is now,” he gave Kim a side glance. “It was harsher on people like us, people that chose to stray away from what society dictates is right—from what most people deem is normal,” he continued. Kinn sat up straighter and fixed his gaze on the bank of shrubs across from them. “A lot of people were against the kind of relationship we have. People that chose to be open about being gay, loving someone in the same gender and committing to a relationship with that person… were were made outcasts by everyone. It was all taboo,” he scoffed at the thought of every person that called him names and mocked him for everything he is. “I had been afraid of ever admitting that I liked men,” he confessed. 

Kinn noticed his younger brother’s surprised and confused look–eyes bulging, forehead knitted, mouth hanging open. He laughed at his expression. For Kim, his older brother has always been proud about who he is. He never thought Kinn ever felt ashamed or resentful of his identity. 

“Believe me. I had been afraid of telling anyone that I prefer men and don’t find women attractive in that way,” Kinn laughingly said. “It was especially pressuring since our family is such well-respected and revered by most,” he sighed. “But, Porsche… He was a different breed of proud and confident,” Kinn chuckled at the thought of his lover and their first encounter. “He was beating up the asshole that called him a fag when we actually met,” he laughed at the memory.

“What?” Kim was surprised. His brother was only laughing while nodding his head. Kim’s eyebrow knitted in confusion again. “I thought the first time you saw him was at the school fitness gym, when you were coming in to work out,” he recited his brother’s response when they asked how he first met Porsche.

Kinn laughed louder. “That’s just it, Kim,” Kim got even more confused. “I first saw him when we bumped into each other at the fitness gym at school,” Kinn started explaining. “But, I never said that was the first time he saw me nor met me,” he laughed. Kim’s mouth hung loose since his mind is a jumbled mess of confused thoughts. He looked incredulously at his brother. Kinn laughed again because he found his brother’s confusion endearingly funny. “Okay, I’ll explain,” Kinn conceded with a chuckle as he sat straighter and cleared his throat.

“You better. Because my head hurts from trying to understand what you mean,” Kim glared at his brother.

“Like I said, I first saw Porsche when I was entering the school fitness gym some time in junior year at college,” Kinn began with a small smile on his lips.  “He was coming out of the facility with his friends and I was just about to get inside. He was at the head of their group. Hence, he was the one who had to push the glass door open and held it until I was able to get inside. That and his mirthy laugh as he joked with his friends was what caught my attention,” you can see the fondness in Kinn’s expression. 

“He did not really stop to take a good look at me, only I did that with him. I did not formally meet him until 10 months later, when I saw him beating up the asshole that called him names,” Kinn explained. Kim nodded as he slowly understood the situation. He rolled his eyes since his brother can be really sappy, which made the older male laugh hard again. 

“As I was saying, Porsche was a whole different story to me,” Kinn began his story again. “He was never ashamed of who and what he was. Although he does not outrightly say his sexuality or preference, he never hid it either,” a fond and proud smile is permanently etched on his lips at the thought of his lover and his outlook on life. “It was already obvious and there is no need for explanations. That is what he believes," Kinn also adopted that philosophy and found himself happier.

"I was the one who held him back from the fight and dragged him away from the asshole, though that dirtbag deserved the beating he got,” Kinn sneered when he remembered that asshole’s face. “We both were called to the office and got in a little trouble,” he shook his head, a fond smile came back on his lips. “Thankfully, the dean recognized that it was not our faults and only gave us demerits for punishments. Porsche still felt sorry, so he asked me to come and eat with him, his treat, as compensation for also getting me in trouble,” Kinn reminisced. 

The memory will never fade from his mind. He can still remember how Porsche was so impish as he looked embarrassed and shy as he asked Kinn to eat with him. He thinks Porsche was afraid that he would reject, which did not happen. Kinn was happy to take the opportunity and get to know the person that took his breath away a few months prior.

He remembered Porsche not seeming like the son of a powerful family to him. The other man spoke and acted like he came from a normal household, one that does not hold power in the fashion industry. He was kind, humble and compassionate to everyone he met. Porsche dragged him to a food stall where you will eat your food on a table at the side of the street. That was the first time Kinn ever ate at a place like that. Porsche ordered everything his eyes landed on. Surprisingly, Kinn loved the food. They came back many times after that and every moment they spent is a fond memory for the older boy.

“I remembered thinking how interesting of a character he was. Porsche was unashamed, unapologetic and carefree. He was proud of who he is and took no shit from others,” Kinn looked at his brother who was intently listening to him. 

"It is also why I had believed I didn't deserve him," he smiled sadly. "You see, I was ashamed of myself, afraid that everyone will turn their backs on me when they learn about who I am," Kim was about to protest, but his older brother covered his mouth. "I know, you dimwit! I will always have you and Hia Khun, and I'm grateful for that. But, that was then. It's not the case now," he chuckled.

"I believed that he deserves someone who will be proud to say they're his and he is theirs. Porsche deserved someone that can give him the world, unashamed. And, I thought that it was not me," he admitted. 

"I was really conscious of what other people thought about me. Back then, I minded and weighed other people's opinions about me so heavily. I wanted to please everyone that I was unknowingly placing such immense pressure over my shoulders. As I have been saying since earlier, although society has already been accepting of homosexuality, it has not been as welcoming as it is now,” Kinn gulped as he remembered the fear he felt back then. “People had their eyes on our family. We were always watched. I remember hating being born in an influential family as ours,” Kim saw a shameful smirk come about Kinn’s lips. 

“I wished that I was born in a normal family so that people would not care about me and not watch my every move,” Kinn confessed as he crossed his legs. “I was also envious of Porsche and how carefree he is despite the circumstances we face,” Kinn leaned back more comfortably in their seat. 

“As I was saying, after realizing I was slowly falling for Porsche but thinking I’m not good enough, I was okay with being his friend, but nothing beyond that. Not that I did not want to. Oh, you have no idea how much I yearned for that jerk of a lover of mine," Kinn cannot help but chuckle at his foolishness and naivety. 

"That bullshit of a hoax I was trying to pull lasted for almost half a year. And, it was pure torture," Kim can see the pain still lingering inside his older brother's eyes. He can't describe how profound it looked on the older man. "It was a kind of torture that eats you from the inside and destroys everything within you. Each instance that I see him smile, watch him laugh and be himself made me fall for him even more. Each second and moment that I was not able to tell him how I feel and claim him as mine was excruciating,” Kinn’s voice broke, as if he was living that time again. “It pained me so deeply that I cannot proudly tell the world that I love that man with all of my being. I was so deep into my denial and my struggle to restrain myself that I was blinded. It made me blind to his feelings, that I was already hurting him unknowingly," Kinn looked at his brother and gave him a sad smile. "And, honestly, it's what you are doing to Porchay and yourself right now, dear brother," he uttered frankly.

Kim felt ashamed because of the honest evaluation his brother gave him. He dropped his head so his brother would not see tears brim his eyes. Although his brothers do not meddle with his life, he knows that they can still see and notice everything. However he tries to hide, there is no cover that his brothers cannot penetrate. 

Kim felt Kinn wrap him in a warm embrace. It was a hug that meant to tell Kim he does not need to put a front nor pretend to not hurt in front of his brothers. Kinn was telling him that he's always available for Kim to approach and always ready to listen. The hug was full of warmth, comfort and love that the tears Kim was trying so hard to suppress freely fell.

"You're brave and strong, our little brother," Kinn stroked his back to comfort and appease him. "But, Kim, sometimes our strength comes from our weaknesses. We sometimes need to be vulnerable to be strong, little brother," he continued. Kim let out a sob as his last straw of strength flushed out of his body. He held onto his brother's arms that tightened around him more. 

"I know you were afraid to feel and seem vulnerable in front of Chay, Kimhan. And, I understand where you are coming from. I see why you refuse to. But, Kimhan," Kinn pulled one of his hands away to stroke Kim's hair. "Being the older one does not mean you need to be strong all the time, because you don't. It's okay to fall apart, little brother. Let Chay piece you back together. That is all he ever wants from you," was Kinn's advice.

Kinn continued to hold his younger brother as he cried his eyes out. Although it breaks his heart to hear his brother's sobs, he can't do anything but let him release everything he feels. Kim needs to cry his eyes out. It took a whole year before he let it happen, anyway. Kim needed this, and he was grateful that Kinn was there to somehow hold him together as he fell apart.

“We’re not the ones who can say what other people deserve, Kim. Neither one of us had the right to,” Kinn spoke again as he continually tried to comfort his brother. “That was what Porsche taught me. It’s what I wanted you to realize, baby bro,” he told him. 

It took a while for Kim to stop crying. Kinn slowly let go as he felt Kim gradually calm down. Kim rubbed his face with his palm, uncaring of erasing his makeup. He felt his older brother pat his back as he rose out of his despair. Wiping his remaining tears away, Kim looked up at the night sky and watched what glittering stars were showing. 

“I took his choice away by doing this, did I?” he asked his brother. Kinn looked at him, a glimmer of pride shining in his eyes. He hummed in assent to Kim’s question. “That was unfair of me,” Kim sighed with the realization. It’s not a question, but Kinn still hummed in assent. 

The brothers remain silent for some time. Kim was reflecting on everything—from his decisions, insecurities, opinions and what he assumed was the right thing for him and Porchay. Kinn let his brother have his silence, to think and reflect. He was happy to just accompany him, to be there for him, to not let him feel alone. 

“It’s the right thing to do, right?” Kinn heard his younger brother ask after a few moments. He turned to look at Kim. “It’s what I should do, right?” Kim asked again as he turned to his brother. 

Kinn’s eyes looked directly and intently at the younger man’s. He saw fear and apprehension clouding them. Yet, he can also see a resolve that was missing from those sad eyes the past year. This resolve was made from love, one that was pure and unconditional. Although there is not much context to the question, he knows that what his brother is thinking about involves the decision he has to make for his relationship.

Kinn patted his brother’s shoulder before standing up. “Always remember, Kim,” he said as straightens his suit. Kinn looked at his younger brother with an encouraging smile as he pulled on the sleeve of his suit to fix it, “Khun and I will always be behind you, no matter what you decide to do,” he continued as he buttoned his coat. He gave Kim one last shoulder pat before walking away, back to where he knows his lover is anxiously waiting for him.