#issue 45

Before we get into the issue proper, I do just want to point out how Roche did one of the variant covers, and boy howdy did he give it his all.

Roche’s Fulcrum frightens me, and yet, in my heart of hearts, I know this is his true form. Milne is a coward, and Roche is completely aware of it, having given everyone’s favorite project manager-turned bomb a chin you could kill God with.

Okay, so it’s been a minute since we’ve seen the Scavengers; the last time they were on-panel was all the way back in issue #21, in the aftermath of the whole “Tyrest tries to kill all cold-constructed life in an absolutely bonkers attempt to absolve himself of guilt so he can go give Primus a BFF necklace” thing. What have my favorite Decepticons been up to? A lot of shit!

They got stuck in the Musical Mushroom forest, Spinister got some grammar lessons, Misfire was repeatedly threatened with gun violence by Shockwave, the fellas got ahold of holomatter tech at some point, they joined a death match Jenga tournament, Krok and Crankcase learned about perspective in art, and then they had a mixed media adventure.

Fulcrum couldn’t join us for this panel, as the third-party toy companies hadn’t gotten around to making him yet, and if you think Hasbro— who hasn’t let a toy Megatron be a gun for over 20 years now— is going to allow a bomb into their line, you’ve lost it completely.

So, that catches us up to the present. What are the Scavengers up to currently?

It was nice while it lasted, I suppose.

Our narrator is Misfire, who reflects on how nasty things got, as he walks past Fulcrum’s corpse and reminisces about how he blasted him in the stomach earlier. Nice shot, Misfire! He monologues as he drinks a space beer with Krok’s name literally on it, adding insult to injury as he moseys past the man’s lifeless body. Misfire second guesses his usage of metaphor as he pays respects to Grimlock’s body. I wouldn’t want to tangle with whoever managed to take the T-rex warrior bastard out.

The only other remaining Scavenger ambushes Misfire, Spinister screaming his own name as he punches the beer out of Misfire’s mouth. The two wrestle, both of their eccentricities clashing together for an impressive comedy of lingual errors, until Spinister manages to cheerleader-kick Misfire away to get a clean shot on him. Misfire accepts his fate, and is promptly shot— but not by Spinister.

Yes, as it turns out, the opening of this issue was not, in fact, the dissolution and subsequent murder of the Scavengers, but rather a NERF gun battle, which Crankcase just nuked from orbit by butting in.

Misfire’s a bit sour about having been darted, which his crew mates seem to think is due to his habit of running an internal monologue. Spinister says some shit that makes me wonder if he’s, like, okay. Fulcrum rejoins the group, his own stomach darts still stuck on for effect. Krok runs in, interrupting the “rag on Misfire for his fourth wall leaning” to ask who the hell is flying the WAP, though Crankcase says that it’s fine.

And that’s a series wrap on the Scavengers! Let’s give ‘em a hand, folks!

We cut over to Misfire in Grimlock’s room, trying to get him back up to speed in terms of language and mental cognition. It would appear that Grimlock hasn’t gotten any better since he was found in issue #7, still only able to speak with his vocal tic from the G1 cartoon. Misfire is frustrated, but isn’t giving up yet, having broken out the white board to try to get Grimlock to follow the letters he’s written. His handwriting is very neat.

He also tries to get Grimlock to reconnect with himself, telling him about who he used to be— a fearsome Autobot warrior, who was the stuff of nightmares to Decepticons. They still don’t know what the fuck happened to Grimlock, only hearing from an outside source that he went missing from Garrus-9. We saw this discovery happen back in Last Stand of the Wreckers.

Something happens with Grimlock here, as he seems to be pulling a sad face over his current state. He takes the marker from Misfire and writes a rather fancy “G”, which Misfire is elated over! Things are looking up!

Except Misfire might have pushed a bit too hard with mentioning Garrus-9, as Grimlock’s progress backsteps and he “drains his tanks” all over the floor.

Which, I get the intent. The idea of your body failing you despite your best efforts, despite being repeatedly reminded what you used to be capable of, is horrifying and sad, and this is a decent way to show that. But you’re still making me look at robot piss, James, and I don’t like it. I accept that it’s happening, but let the record show that I don’t like it.

Misfire, frustration mounting, makes a motion to punch Grimlock, before he catches himself and instead wonders aloud who hurt Grimlock. However, I don’t think Grimlock wants to think about who hurt him, as he grabs Misfire by the throat.

Cutting away from what’s likely Misfire’s grisly demise, we catch up with Fulcrum and Crankcase in the T.V. room, watching a standup special starring Skullcruncher, Decepticon-turned-comedian, as he goes through a drawn out jab at the muddled Decepticon “Phases” plan. Really, it’s functioning as a way to make sure the reader for-sure knows that the Scavengers know what the score is for their side and that Megatron is playing for the other team now.

Then we finally see where Krok’s gotten to.

Krok, honey, you gotta start throwing your weight around as a commanding officer, or this is just going to keep happening.

Knowing his priorities, Krok drags himself over to the mini fridge for a space beer, finding that his VERY CLEARLY LABELED drink isn’t where he put it. Though he knows who probably took it, he just grabs another (no word on if this one is labelled) and goes to find his crew. He quickly comes into hearing radius of the television and goes to see what’s up.

As Fulcrum explains what they’re watching, it’s revealed that Crankcase is suffering from facial paralysis, making him look much more displeased than he actually is. I wonder how often this issue gets him into trouble.

It turns out that Krok knows Skullcruncher, and hates his fucking guts. Skullcruncher, in turn, uses Krok’s existence in his act, as the “incompetent strategist who named himself after his dead pet.” Fulcrum thinks this is hilarious. Krok does not.

I’m getting “exes” vibes.

Krok is ungodly frustrated with the direction his life has taken since the end of the war, having done nothing but get almost killed by the DJD, desecrate corpses, dick around on the internet, and pick up moneyless losers to stuff in his ship for the last couple years. He’s tired of being the guy on the bottom, while everyone who used to be on his level has become successful and maybe even happy! As he goes on about how unfair it all is, he goes absolutely ham clicking his communicator. When Fulcrum tries to get him to stop, it only further upsets him. Even Crankcase, the de facto pessimist of the group, tries to lighten things up, but Krok is NOT having it. He’s sick of life fucking him in the ass without so much as buying him a drink first.

Then Grimlock explodes through the wall and the conversation is briefly tabled.

Crankcase shoots Grimlock with his backpack cannons, while Misfire— who is riding Grimlock’s back, thus living every eight year old’s dream— screams about it being unnecessary, as the big guy was about to pass out anyway. Krok, still steamed, tells Misfire that Grimlock’s time with them is running out, as he’s only getting stronger, and not more capable of being reasoned with, which is a dangerous combo on a rickety piece of shit like the WAP.

Misfire, likely still full of robo-adrenaline from the dino ride and frustration from Grimlock’s lack of progress, digs in his heels and needles at Krok’s lost squad, who still haven’t shown up, now have they? Fulcrum tries to nip this in the bud, because even he knows that this is a sore subject, but Misfire’s too het up to care about Krok’s feelings, and is done of tiptoeing around the issue. Spinister luckily comes in to let the guys know they have a call, before someone can get shot for real.

It turns out that the planet the WAP crashed on was their actual destination, as they’re meeting a guy named Demus, who Krok met on “The Big Conversation”, a Decepticon-central social media website. Demus, like Krok, is a monoformer and member of Triple M, the Militant Monoformer Movement terrorist group. Demus had frame dysmorphia bad enough for him to opt for the surgical removal of any kibble on his body. Krok does not have this issue, as can be seen by his funky shoulder fins. I like to think that Krok used to turn into some sort of boat, though don’t tell him I said that; I know it’s a bit rude in-universe to theorize on others’ alt modes.

Crankcase really isn’t all that cranky once you get to know him, is he? I think his surly little face sets a precedent that really doesn’t match his personality. Funny, that.

The boys land on the far side of Demus’s scrapyard, and Krok reveals that the man is making an absolute killing in the scrap business, having a personal collection of moons just for the hell of it. So, whatever the guy’s looking for them to do, he’ll definitely pay well. Crankcase, however, doesn’t really want to work for a living, which, y’know, mood.

Demus calls from a fair distance away, asking that everyone inject an inhibitor chip into their bodies so they can’t transform, as it makes him physically ill to see. They’ll burn out in an hour, so there’s no long-term commitment to the monoformer lifestyle.

This is why we need more than two therapists on Cybertron.

Demus leads the Scavengers through the labyrinth of his livelihood, showing off the real bread and butter of his operation— Roboids™, delightful little toy pets that folks just can’t seem to get enough of! Collect them all! When Fulcrum asks about pricing, Demus says all his current stock is pre-sold, though Fulcrum’s face tells me he wasn’t asking because he wanted one for himself.

Fulcrum, who, I will remind you, was forcefully reformatted into a bomb during the war. Y’know, just in case we find out something nasty about Demus’s business practices later where that would be a sort of deliciously terrible irony.

The Scavengers file into Demus’s office, Spinister seeming to have grown half a story taller in the process, and Crankcase tries to get ahead of his employment anxiety, demanding a ridiculous amount of break time, company cars, and triple whatever the average income for a ‘Con is. Demus is perplexed as to why the fuck Crankcase thinks he’d stoop to hiring any of their bottom-of-the-barrel asses. No, Demus asked them to meet so he could purchase Grimlock. When the Scavengers react to this declaration dubiously, Krok tells them to shut up so Demus can get to the good part— he’s willing to give them a collective 2.5 billion space dollars in exchange for the leader of the Dinobots.

Demus walks off to take a call, leaving the Scavengers to discuss. Krok, who was the only guy to know what the real point of this trip was, tries to get the guys to hear him out, appealing to each of their desires and vices. Fulcrum, however, is tricky, as it would appear they haven’t really made it to the “talking about life goals” portion of their roommate relationship. Fulcrum was perfectly happy to do fuck all like they have been, considering that he’s technically supposed to be dead twice over by this point.

Krok moves on to Misfire, who is furious that THIS is the reason they’re in this scrapheap. Krok points out that the original plan they had, where they dump Grimlock on Cybertron, won’t work anymore, as King Bitch Starscream probably wouldn’t like it too much. Misfire isn’t sure that this is a better solution, however.

Fulcrum is still a little weirded out with Demus in general, and asks that they put it to a vote, like they did with facing the DJD back on Clemency. Krok, obviously, votes to sell Grimlock, refusing to say what he wants the money for. Misfire, while not wanting to look like he has icky baby feelings, votes to not sell, as Grimlock needs him, and he needs Grimlock. Fulcrum also votes in Misfire’s direction, not too keen on indulging in trafficking. Crankcase really wants a spaceship of his own, so he votes for money, and Spinister just doesn’t like Grimlock being around, probably because it makes him feel short, and he’s not used to that. Krok, ungodly smug, declares the vote counted, and they prepare for their new Grimlock-free, moneyful lives.

As the Scavengers were arguing however, Demus is revealed to be having a bad time, as it turns out that the security detail he hired isn’t doing its job, as he’s chased and shot by a looming figure. I’m sure he’ll be fine, though.

It’s fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!

Demus, not completely down for the count just yet, tells the boys to run for it, as he scrambles for his weapon, before his head is exploded by a gunshot. But who could have been after this tiny little monoformer of a man?