#irrational thought

Grief is so weird! There at the end, when drinking became more important, it always felt like my little sis tried to ruin Christmas. I have been irrationally angry with her off and on because of this. Plus, she died 10 days before Christmas which felt like the ultimate, "Fuck you and Christmas!" Now, I know that my anger is irrational and she probably tried to ruin it at the end because she probably felt like she didn't deserve it. She was sick and tired and was tired of life. She said many times she was just tired of all of it. Tired of fighting her addiction. This Saturday will be 2 years since she has been gone. We haven't celebrated Christmas for 2 years. I am making the effort this year. I bought a tree . . . . but it is the 10th and I haven't put it up yet. One step at a time.

I live in Germany. The water quality of my city is amazing. I am not immuno- compromised. It's an incredibly rare disease.

Ob-Noxious Behavior, Pt. II

“He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless efforts.” – Samuel Johnson

  So here we were, holding hands, walking along the middle of the proverbial train tracks, when the drama train was gunning for us full speed ahead, remember?

  There were three crucial questions I asked before heading for…

Ob-Noxious Behavior, Pt. I

“To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right.” – Confucius

  Today while I was browsing social media as I normally do when I look for inspiration (also known as extreme procrastination), I happened…

Depression And Other Fairy Tales

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.” – Dr. Seuss

I had so many ideas about what to write about this week. My head was full of ideas; I bought notebooks, downloaded e-books, and wrote down a few ideas. I…

(That is, my disgust with having feelings, not my opinions on the physical act.)

I hate having irrelevant emotions. Emotions that have no bearing on real life and only serve to distract you. Examples:

Fucking Captain America. I never really cared much about the whole Captain American subsection of the MCU. No strong feelings about any of the characters: Steve, Bucky, Peggy. And that was fine with me. But then he had to go be a self-righteous asshole who believed that he himself was the way, the truth and the light and now I want to light him on fire. But he’s a fucking fictional character and I hate that I now have strong opinions about this. I don’t want to dwell on it. I want to ignore him and move on. 

Thanks to a stupid subconscious dream that implanted false feelings in my head, I have a crush on a coworker. I’m fucking married with kids. Happily married. This is bullshit and distracting and I hate my brain checking him out in the corner of my eye. And this isn’t the first time this has happened. A few years back, I had a stupid work crush on a pregnant woman. Not only do I NOT want to act on these thoughts, I don’t even want to have them.