May 15
when i don’t feel like a fictional character i don’t feel like anyone
I don’t have my own identity
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when i don’t feel like a fictional character i don’t feel like anyone
I don’t have my own identity
x
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Sometimes I feel like my "memories," attachment, and ability to predict what's going to happen next is just me being a writer and that kin isn't real. I wish someone could prove fictionkin as fact already.
this is just to help me, but if it also helps anyone here im glad
you’re afraid you’re “faking it?” okay, let’s break this down. isn’t faking something usually something that’s purposeful, meant to do? and if it is accidental, why do you miss them so much? your friends, your soulmate, the world you probably left behind. why does your heart leap whenever you hear your theme song, or your soulmate’s theme song. why did you cry so hard when your friends died? why do you refer to your kin as “I” when you watch the show? if you looked like your kin you wouldn’t feel this way. but because everything about you two is different, you think it’s not a real connection. you do not have to feel like your kin all the time. you do not have to be in a kinshift 24/7. you do not have to worry about looking like your kin.
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i have really weird feelings about doubles tbh. the discomfort is almost always there, but the reason for it varies. like. sometimes it’s “am i not me enough? am i lesser? am i even valid??” and other times it’s just “uhh??? you’re not me though? fym”
and like. i believe in the multiverse. it makes perfect sense to me that there are other mes out there. their existence shouldn’t make me feel threatened. no fucking clue why it feels like this. wish it didn’t
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that deep-seated fear of not being "in character" enough. and the self-doubt. ah yes, if i say or do something "ooc", everyone who knows anything about my source will execute me at dawn. sure.
identity issues with imposter syndrome on top of identity issues with imposter syndrome pretending to be a dick grayson. yuuuup. nothing to see here doc! a perfectly stable specimen!
- dick grayson/nightwing, #🪶featherwing #fictive
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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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the AGONY of wanting to find sourcemates or cannonmates but the overwhelming fear we seem like such FAKERS because we don't behave the way other systems or our system friends do. and it's like. yeah we get it, not all one system acts the same but it makes us feel sooo weird when we do something *slightly* different and we feel like such liars even though we KNOW were not. duality of man goood..
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It makes me feel so fake when I don’t act the way my fictotype does in canon. It seems like others on tumblr are so much more alike with their fictotypes, which isn’t to say that my fictotype isn’t still entirely me, and I know that my life back then was VERY different and shaped me into the type of person that I was, but it makes trying to interact with sourcemates difficult. I feel insecure and ashamed, sometimes, and it’s stopped me from reaching out to them entirely. I don’t want to put on an act to seem more like my fictotype, personality-wise, but then I’m left feeling like sourcemates will be disappointed that I’m not the person they were envisioning if I act like me now. I’ve lived such a different life this time around that I’m unrecognizable, but I still know it in my bones that I’m my fictotype. I’ve tried and tried to push being fictionkin away for years, but I’m still them and they’re still me—even if I have the fear that I’m faking it.
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sometimes i feel like a 'fake fictionfolk' for being genuinely surprised to hear about events in my life that happened in comics or books about me, because i've only seen my television & movie depictions. what bothers me isn't that i haven't seen every single thing that pertains to me, it's that feeling of surprise. shouldn't i know with more certainty what happened to me 'offscreen?' are my memories really that malleable and uncertain? isn't it suspicious that my memories are so easily influenced by looking at canon material and analyses of it? are these really reliable noemata, or have i just been filling in the blanks with assumptions based on what i think would make the most sense? occam's razor suggests i'm making it all up. then again, i know i'm not just my memories. not remembering my life doesn't make me not-myself, or less valid, or whatever. maybe i should stop comparing myself to canon for 'correctness,' as well. force knows canon isn't very consistent either. this existential crisis brought to you by: seeing an excerpt from a comic about me and thinking 'fucking WHAT?' and then thinking 'wait... it might explain some things about me even though it contradicts how i thought it happened...'
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