#intertextus

Time: 7:54pm / Date: 05/28/25 / Location: Home, YC

Spending some time talking to London right now... catching up and hearing about the trials and tribulations of his life in New Zealand is always interesting.

I had a good day and didn't feel pain all day for the first time in 2 months. I was able to focus on work and not how awful I feel the entire time.

I even managed to run some errands after work without feeling wiped out. I went to get my watch battery changed, returned my library book, and exchanged some allergy pills at the pharmacy.

It is interesting how routine is something we really crave as human beings, I missed everyday monotony of life.

I have a new found respect for those who deal with chronic pain in their lives. Pain stripes so much color from everyday life, and it makes everything dull and hard. With so much there you want to do, but with no energy to do it....it's debilitating and a special kind of torture.

I will work to be grateful of having a healthy body, as we know it is fleeting. More to reflect on this later. Right now the main goal is to continue taking the steroids I have been prescribed, eating well and regularly (as I lost over ten pounds or 4.5 kilos), and resting as much as I can.

I think I need to reflection more on those feelings and what it means going forward. I need to learn more on disability rights.

Time: 10:08am / Date: 05/14/25 / Location: Home, YC

Turns out I have been battling an infection in my lungs for almost two months now. I got pneumonia in late March and thought it had been killed off. Turns out the infection was reduced, but not gone.

It stayed in my lungs and waited.... well as the chest pain and tightness got worse over time I went to the Urgent Care, twice.

I was told my lungs sounded fine and it was probably just congestion the first time.

The second time I was told the same thing again and given prednisone and an inhaler. At least this visit allowed me to sleep easy at night. I had not been sleeping much as I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I went to the ER yesterday afternoon and left with a diagnosis of acute bronchitis. Turns out there was something in my lungs. I suspect the prednisone lowered my immunity enough for the doctor to hear the wheeze in my lungs.

So now I am on another round of antibiotics and have been referred to a pulmonologist for my follow up.

All because I got freaking pneumonia in March.

Medical trauma is something I've heard about but have never experienced. It was strange to know be able to understand my own body. To feel like it was speaking a language I couldn't understand anymore. I didn't understand why I wasn't feeling well when doctors were telling me there was nothing wrong.

My body felt foreign to me when I had always understood it. I am currently trying to re-learn how it tells me things. I feel like I have lost an aspect of safety within myself because there seemed to be a large disconnect.

But this whole time I knew something was wrong and I could hear my body telling me so, it was doctors gaslighting me and not taking my concerns seriously that made me doubt.

I am sure it wasn't done maliciously, but I dislike that my fears were not taken with sincerity and instead it was written off as being something minor.

This is a lesson in advocating for myself. I need to be more vocal in expressing that I don't feel well and that something is wrong.

Time: 9:53am / Date: 05/12/25 / Home, YC

Two weeks later....at almost the same time of her death, Gracie visited me in a dream.

She was at my feet in her bed as always, she stretched up and came to greet me like she always had before. She was purring and happy. I pet her and she excitedly got on my chest and nuzzled me.

She was coming to let me know she was okay. She was healthy and happy. It was a gift to see her again and to pet her again. The dream ended too soon, but I am grateful that I got to see her again.

Grief is so weird. Every time I think I'm okay, it kicks me to the ground again. I am holding a lot of the grief still. I think I always will, but I will get used to it.

I was asked yesterday when I think I would want to get another cat. I responded, "A few years...". The person who asked was shocked. I knew it would be a while for years now; it will be a while before I can even think of getting another cat.

Dreams have meaning and are sacred. Many people don't believe in them, or they believe it's all our unconscious/subconscious. I believe they are a moment when our loved ones can visit. A moment where they can be seen and touched again.

Dreams can be dangerous, people can get lost in that liminal state or even trapped there. But they can be healing too.

My Ancestors believed in dreams. They see dreams as a portals to a higher consciousness. They use the peyote cactus as a vehicle to enter the dream world and to learn from the knowledge of those who came before.

Dreams can be gifts. My cat was kind enough to give me the gift of a dream with her in it.

I hope she is at peace and I hope I see her again.

I am thankful my ancestors heard me when I asked for a sign that she was okay. I am thankful they were there to guide her to the next place. I am thankful they were with me as she passed.

Time: 4:43pm / Date: 05/08/25 / Location: Home, YC

A friend told me today that grief comes in waves... Sometimes it's calm, sometimes a wave comes unexpectedly and knocks you off your feet. I have had a few days of calm, today a wave hit me as I drove home from work.

I didn't expect it; the day had been normal and busy. I searched for a song that paralleled my grief in the days after, but none fit. I stopped listening to music for a little while.

Today I stumbled into the song "Here With Me" by d4vd. It went viral a few years ago, but today I truly heard it for the first time. The lyrics that got me were:

I wish I could live through every memory again

Just one more time before we float off in the wind

And all the time we've spent waiting for the light to take us in

Have been the greatest moments of my life....

I got a short time, but that time made all the difference.

Although the waves knock me down sometimes, I look forward to it oddly. I look forward to remembering even if it hurts. Remembering means she didn't really leave. I have the last bits of her left all in my mind and soul. She is with me as I remember.

I look forward to seeing her...if only in memory. I dread forgetting.

So as I pick myself up, I return to calm and wait for the next wave.

I don't care how long it takes

As long as I'm with you, I've got a smile on my face

Save your tears , it'll be okay

You're here with me

Time: 2:44pm / Date: 05/03/25 / Location: Home, YC

Gracie, my beloved pet and best friend passed on April 28th at around 5:30am. I spent the night holding her paw and talking to her. I slept for a few hours here and there while watching her slip away.

She was taken to Heaven's Gate Pet Memorial Center on that same morning. As of right now, she is ready to come home. I will be going to get her tomorrow morning.

I don't want to share too many memories of the night as those are for me and for Gracie only. I am grateful that she went in her home, in her room, and in her bed with only me there. I am grateful I didn't take her to an emergency vet to die surrounded by strange people, strange noises, strange smells, and unfamiliarity.

Gracie had been telling me for a while that her time was coming. Last October she went in for similar issues, but she was kind enough and loved me enough to give me time. She gave me more than six months to prepare myself, I am grateful for that too. In the week leading up to her death, I told her that if she needed to go I understood. If it was time, she could go and I would be okay.

I was strong enough to let her go and do what was best for her. I am proud of myself for that... I loved that little gray and white cat that magically appeared in our backyard enough to let her go.

I will mourn her the rest of my life, but it is worth the 10+ years I got to have her. I had more time with her than most do with a pet.

Because she depended on me to take care of her, it led to me taking care of myself. She was there for the majority of my twenties and loved me unconditionally throughout. She saved my life countless times.

She did so much for me that I can't repay, but I hope I succeeded in giving her a fraction of what she gave me.

Rest in peace Gracie. Give my love to all my ancestors and I will see you again.

Thank you Chela. I miss you.

Time - 10:23pm / Date - April 22, 2025 / Location: Home, YC

The anxiety attacks are more pervasive right now, following illness last month I still haven't recovered. The question is always did I push myself too much? Could I have avoided all of this by listening to my body better? This attack lasted over three hours and all I could do was scroll on my phone to distract myself from feeling like I was dying. I need to be better about listening to my body and my mind. In this broken world with so much chaos at all directions, the real question is... how?

How do we heal? How do we take care of ourselves? How do we listen to bodies and minds that speak a language we no longer understand? How did we let is get this bad?

How is a good question. An important question. But it shouldn't be the question we get stuck on. It's easy to stay in place asking "HOW?"

How will we decide to use the time we have to change ourselves and by extension the world? It is easier said than done. But words written on paper, or in this case written in a tumblr text box, are powerful. Words are magic that become intention that become action.

Time - 11:49am / Date - April 14, 2025 / Location: Panera, YC

Hour of finally starting

Needing a space to write is something I have been searching for for a loooonnnng time. The reality is that I want to share thoughts and ideas, reflections and truth...but the idea of creating a specific space for that via a website or something else, does not appeal to me. So I return here, to Tumblr. This site was a place of joy and community for a good portion of my late adolescence. I am interested to find out what my experience here will be in my thirties. More to come...