#internally screeching

🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂

Me after wasting all my resources on Relax 1

IM PANICKING RN. I really don't enjoy spending time with them in a café. Especially during a pandemic. Plus I have Agoraphobia and I go insane when going out. Plus the last couple of times they talked 5 minutes to me and after ignored me the rest of the evening. Plus I am really insecure around my old classmates because all of them are skinny and pretty and I am a fucking potato who's fat and ugly and uninteresting. Last two times I had to drink to cope with the meet up. I had to numb myself.

I got bullied by some of them back in my senior year of high school.

I am an awkward 23 yo batshit bubbly and nonsensical person who has mdd, anxiety, adhd(maybe asd as well idek) , d.i.d and I am supposed to have a good time with them? With dissociating and maybe even switching during the meet up, feeling like I am the worst person in this world and that I should just go kms? HELL NO...

I really want to yeet myself rn. I just, I just am so distressed rn. I want to be numb this second.

The boys started chilling with me on the couch, Aurora is REALLY skittish like I’m not allowed to touch her skittish. But she LOVES her brothers, they are her anchor.

So she’s cuddling them on the couch.

In the last two weeks I’ve been allowed to touch her nose, touch her foot. Then I could touch her chest, and scratch her chin. Today I rubbed her belly, scratched her chin and scratched her butt.

While I listen to Troublemaker by Weezer, I will tell y’all about my day- not that many people read and/or care, but whatever.

Woke up at 7:15 and walked to work- mind you, it was -21 outside, so it was a bit chilly but nothing I can’t handle. I’d rather this bonechilling weather than the humidity and the horrible heat- then worked for 7 hours.

Nothing too noteworthy happened… I got asked out by an older guy again today but that’s nothing unusual… It’s always the same older guy. Usually it’s just a “So I’m still waiting on that date” only, this time, it wasn’t just getting asked out on a date. It was a marriage assumption as well. He flat out said “Ha if you won the lottery you wouldn’t have to marry me haha” to which I responded, “No, I wouldn’t marry you, or anyone else.”

Mind you, I am 19 years old, and this man appears to be in his upper 40’s to lower 50’s. On top of all of this- He brought in a baggie of spare change to pay for his lotto tickets. Generally, I don’t mind when people bring in coins because I know they’re annoying to keep around and they accumulate rather quickly, but he had at least $16 worth for me to count out. Good thing I’m good at keeping track of my numbers.

After work, I ran into my best friend (well, kinda. She texted me saying she was there and I tracked her down whilst jamming to my favorite artist lol) and we talked for a bit and had coffee. She and her dad dropped me off at home, thus, ending my day on a good note.