Anon wrote: Hi. I have a question about something that strikes me as a really important skill to have, maybe the most important.
How does one know the difference between:
things I can change about myself,
things I cannot change about myself,
things I can change, but would be harmful to me as a person.
Is there an identifiable distinction between these things?
For example, consider the following person/people:
Doesn't like body shape -> changes diet and exercise routine
Doesn't like nose -> gets nose-job
Thinks they're too short -> leg-lengthening surgery
Doesn't like hair color -> dyes hair
Thinks they're dumb -> tries to improve with puzzles
Lacks confidence -> challenges self and overcomes weakness
Too shy -> pushes themselves to be outgoing
Isn't competitive but wants external success -> motivates self by comparison
Some of these seem 'better' than others. Either more productive, more healthy, more well-guided, etc. Perhaps the answer to whether each is good additionally depends on the person, their motivation, etc. But in which way does it depend on such factors?
To get my main idea and question across:
There seem to be very few things one actually literally cannot change (Is type one of them, or is that a habit too?). So one is always faced with the choice of trying to accept, or trying to change. Neither accepting everything as it is, nor changing everything to fit one's desire is the right way. So how does one find the correct middle ground? – When faced with a source of dissatisfaction, how can I decide whether to keep it or change it?
Thanks!
P.S. I realize that "acceptance" is good and doesn't preclude change, and can even be necessary for change. In this ask I was using "acceptance" colloquially to additionally indicate a lack of change.
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This is a topic I've addressed many times over the years and the points I'm about to make already appear in the type development related guides and posts. There are a lot of people who aren't yet psychologically ready to grasp the answer and this leads to different versions of the question popping up regularly, as though there is a collective desire to hear a different, more pleasing answer.
To start, the way you're framing the question isn't going in the right direction. Basically, you're asking the wrong question. Your approach is rather intellectual, like you're hoping there is some kind of simple formulaic answer to be discovered.
In analytical psychology, intellectualization, whether intentional or not and regardless of the justification, is a defense mechanism. Intellectualization describes a superficiality of thought that is (unconsciously) meant to mask deep-seated issues. In the best case scenario, intellectualization is a simple lack of self-awareness. In the worst case scenario, it is willful ignorance.
Framing matters of psychology in abstract or intellectual terms is especially problematic when it removes the emotional component, not realizing that it's the most important factor to address. As such, your question only hints at what's truly important, through vague vocabulary such as "desire" or "dissatisfaction".
Intellectualization is a misdirect. It leads you to believe that the problem lies in one's thought process, e.g., "How can I analyze this better to arrive at the right answer?" But mere intellectual analysis moves one farther rather than closer to the heart of the issue.
For example, you ask, "When faced with a source of dissatisfaction, how can I decide whether to keep it or change it?" Do you see how this question is a subtle deflection? It is merely about "procedure" or "how-to". It doesn't do anything to explore, investigate, and gain deeper insight into the feeling of dissatisfaction itself. There is no substantive awareness of the problem but merely attribution of blame for the problem. This is a common manifestation of poor emotional intelligence, in terms of being unable to own emotions.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not picking on you. There are some people who ask your question from a seemingly opposite approach of being overly emotional, full of frustration, confusion, or anger. You'd think that these people are closer to the heart of the issue but they're not. They're merely acting out and displacing emotions, still as far away from emotional truth as the intellectualizer.
The reason I'm pointing out defense mechanisms is because they are a direct obstacle to understanding this topic. This is the first point you're missing. A lot of people use the notions of "self-improvement", "self-enhancement", "self-betterment", "self-maxxing", etc, as a method to avoid confronting their deeper psychological issues. In such cases, you can think of self-improvement as merely the icing atop an enormous defense mechanism cake.
I have said again and again that intention matters. This is the second point you're missing and it's related to the first. When you (inadvertently) approach self-improvement for the wrong reasons, the results are likely to be unexpected at best and harmful at worst. Generally speaking, a "wrong" reason is one that stems directly from those unresolved psychological issues your defense mechanisms continually try to bury away in the unconscious mind.
A simple illustrative example: Avery was relentlessly mocked for having a weird-looking <insert physical characteristic> as a child, both by friends and family, and predictably developed massive insecurity about it. Avery eventually became a journalist, which involved reporting on camera occasionally. Under the spotlight, insecurity only grew and Avery felt that cosmetic surgery would be the cure for low self-confidence. Avery was a talented reporter and was moving up quickly in the field. However, the results of the surgery altered Avery's appearance to the point of being unrecognizable to the audience. The unintended consequence of the "self-improvement" was losing valuable career progress and having to deal with scathing comments from the public.
Although this example seems a bit unusual or extreme, it has actually occurred. But there are plenty of mundane examples you could draw from. The main point is that the desire to change oneself was motivated from a dark place of trauma and low self-esteem. A deeper issue was that Avery had formed the mistaken idea that self-worth was tied to particular physical characteristics, and this belief was then buttressed by lifelong emotional reasoning every time insecurity got triggered.
Avery was, by most measures, a fully functional and successful person in life but was unable to face up to the root causes of insecurity. Without understanding root causes, superficial (intellectualized) thinking can only come up with band-aid solutions. The problem with band-aid solutions is that they tend to be self-sabotaging. Avery ironically ended up in a situation of being bullied in the same manner as in childhood. Living with a salted psychological wound turned out to be even harder than living with the original physical attribute that got surgically "improved".
When people don't tackle their psychological problems at the root (such as address the emotional trauma of being bullied in Avery's case), what often ends up happening is that they keep encountering the same problem or making the same mistake over and over again, on a loop, throughout life. These recurrences are, in fact, opportunities to learn and grow. But more often than not, people don't make the right changes and then the cycle of suffering continues.
One major reason people can't get at the root/heart of the problem is because of ego development issues, which is the third point you're missing, and it ties the first two points together. Ego development is about psychological maturity. It encompasses many things including a person's level of self-awareness, i.e., the depth of insight they have into all the psychological processes of the mind.
With a high degree of self-awareness, one is basically transparent to oneself and thus capable of genuine authenticity. An important aspect of authenticity is discovering what the deepest truth of oneself is calling for. From this truth, one innately understands what should be accepted versus what should be changed, and what chasing superficial ego gain looks like versus meaningful progress toward individuation. There's nothing intellectual or analytical about it. It's not a "skill" but a genuine willingness to listen to the deepest parts of oneself, far beyond mere ego.
Unfortunately, most people remain at low levels of ego development throughout life, which means living in fear, completely ruled by ego, and thus unable to hear what's really going on inside. At lower levels of development, the ego is too fragile to confront the truth of oneself, including things such as painful memories and emotional triggers.
The danger of facing up to uncomfortable truths when the ego isn't strong enough and psychologically ready enough is that it could lead to a severe breakdown in mental health, which is why people unconsciously resort to defense mechanisms for distancing from pain and suffering. It is imperative for growth to be slow in order to increase psychological readiness at the appropriate pace.
Unfortunately though, reliance on defense mechanisms keeps self-awareness very low, which makes people more likely to choose the wrong paths for self-improvement. When you aren't aware of what your underlying intentions and motivations are, it's like sailing without a compass, and you basically live at the mercy of every environmental disturbance that blows your way.
At this point, people who intellectually understand what I'm saying will inevitably ask, "So, how do I level up in ego development?" And I will repeat what I said last time I addressed this topic:
Ego development isn’t something you can directly change through targeted, intellectually-based "fixes". Rather, it happens gradually and naturally as a side-effect of long-term purposeful self-work. The reason people remain at low levels of ego development is mainly because they (unconsciously) fear the pain that self-work often entails.
Self-work involves challenging yourself to grow as a person, including but not limited to things such as:
reflecting on your beliefs and correcting the faulty ones that lead you to misunderstand how the world works
reflecting on your values to ensure you are a person of good character and consistently putting values into practice
reflecting on your self-esteem and making adjustments to ensure you see yourself realistically and evaluate yourself fairly
reflecting on your self-worth and how you measure it and whether you’re being reasonable and treating yourself with respect, empathy, and compassion
confronting every mistake you make in order to build wisdom and ensure you don’t repeat negative behavior or form bad habits
welcoming both positive and negative feedback and taking it into careful consideration when thinking about how to change
reflecting on your shortcomings, flaws, and weaknesses and challenging yourself to make incremental progress on them
learning graceful acceptance of the things about yourself that cannot be changed and loving yourself as is
exploring your capabilities and taking time to realize more and more of your greater potential
reflecting on who you really are at heart and what kinds of activities you should spend your time doing in order to feel fulfilled in life
Though it is implied above, I will add a point to make it explicit:
facing up to the things that cause you recurring pain and learning how to resolve them in a way that ends the cycle of suffering
If you're unwilling to do the above and persist at it, there's not much more I can say. If you get that you need to do the above but have no idea how or where to start, find a good therapist. Another reason growth is slow is that self-work by nature is a process of knowing yourself in fragments and layers and gradually achieving deeper and deeper insight into how everything fits together.
Through no fault of our own, many of us live in a culture of "I want it all, immediately, with as little effort as possible". Adopting this kind of attitude from the broader culture is also a direct obstacle to growth because it breeds helplessness or, worse, entitlement.
You can go around asking every influencer, self-help guru, or doctor out there for a quick-fix or band-aid solution to your psychological problems. I've known people who have spent a lifetime looking for answers in all the wrong places. I would argue that your time and energy are far better spent on humble and conscientious self-work.
Self-work can be painful, sure, but not doing it is also painful because all your psychological problems will just keep causing trouble. If you're going to endure pain either way, at least make it count for something.
No matter how many times people ask or in how many different ways, I will always respond with the same idea: Growing as a person isn't easy and that's the point. Growth is earned through experiencing the struggle of learning in fits and starts, as you patiently and compassionately untangle the painful web of knots that block your view of the authentic self.
Imagine how you would care for a helpless and injured animal by gingerly tending to its wounds and lovingly nursing it back to health. The same principle of compassionate action ought to apply when it comes to healing your own psychological darkness.














