#intellectualization

For example, consider the following person/people:

Doesn't like body shape -> changes diet and exercise routine

Doesn't like nose -> gets nose-job

Thinks they're too short -> leg-lengthening surgery

Doesn't like hair color -> dyes hair

Thinks they're dumb -> tries to improve with puzzles

Lacks confidence -> challenges self and overcomes weakness

Too shy -> pushes themselves to be outgoing

Isn't competitive but wants external success -> motivates self by comparison

Some of these seem 'better' than others. Either more productive, more healthy, more well-guided, etc. Perhaps the answer to whether each is good additionally depends on the person, their motivation, etc. But in which way does it depend on such factors?

To get my main idea and question across:

There seem to be very few things one actually literally cannot change (Is type one of them, or is that a habit too?). So one is always faced with the choice of trying to accept, or trying to change. Neither accepting everything as it is, nor changing everything to fit one's desire is the right way. So how does one find the correct middle ground? – When faced with a source of dissatisfaction, how can I decide whether to keep it or change it?

Thanks!

P.S. I realize that "acceptance" is good and doesn't preclude change, and can even be necessary for change. In this ask I was using "acceptance" colloquially to additionally indicate a lack of change.

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This is a topic I've addressed many times over the years and the points I'm about to make already appear in the type development related guides and posts. There are a lot of people who aren't yet psychologically ready to grasp the answer and this leads to different versions of the question popping up regularly, as though there is a collective desire to hear a different, more pleasing answer.

To start, the way you're framing the question isn't going in the right direction. Basically, you're asking the wrong question. Your approach is rather intellectual, like you're hoping there is some kind of simple formulaic answer to be discovered.

In analytical psychology, intellectualization, whether intentional or not and regardless of the justification, is a defense mechanism. Intellectualization describes a superficiality of thought that is (unconsciously) meant to mask deep-seated issues. In the best case scenario, intellectualization is a simple lack of self-awareness. In the worst case scenario, it is willful ignorance.

Framing matters of psychology in abstract or intellectual terms is especially problematic when it removes the emotional component, not realizing that it's the most important factor to address. As such, your question only hints at what's truly important, through vague vocabulary such as "desire" or "dissatisfaction".

Intellectualization is a misdirect. It leads you to believe that the problem lies in one's thought process, e.g., "How can I analyze this better to arrive at the right answer?" But mere intellectual analysis moves one farther rather than closer to the heart of the issue.

For example, you ask, "When faced with a source of dissatisfaction, how can I decide whether to keep it or change it?" Do you see how this question is a subtle deflection? It is merely about "procedure" or "how-to". It doesn't do anything to explore, investigate, and gain deeper insight into the feeling of dissatisfaction itself. There is no substantive awareness of the problem but merely attribution of blame for the problem. This is a common manifestation of poor emotional intelligence, in terms of being unable to own emotions.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not picking on you. There are some people who ask your question from a seemingly opposite approach of being overly emotional, full of frustration, confusion, or anger. You'd think that these people are closer to the heart of the issue but they're not. They're merely acting out and displacing emotions, still as far away from emotional truth as the intellectualizer.

The reason I'm pointing out defense mechanisms is because they are a direct obstacle to understanding this topic. This is the first point you're missing. A lot of people use the notions of "self-improvement", "self-enhancement", "self-betterment", "self-maxxing", etc, as a method to avoid confronting their deeper psychological issues. In such cases, you can think of self-improvement as merely the icing atop an enormous defense mechanism cake.

I have said again and again that intention matters. This is the second point you're missing and it's related to the first. When you (inadvertently) approach self-improvement for the wrong reasons, the results are likely to be unexpected at best and harmful at worst. Generally speaking, a "wrong" reason is one that stems directly from those unresolved psychological issues your defense mechanisms continually try to bury away in the unconscious mind.

A simple illustrative example: Avery was relentlessly mocked for having a weird-looking <insert physical characteristic> as a child, both by friends and family, and predictably developed massive insecurity about it. Avery eventually became a journalist, which involved reporting on camera occasionally. Under the spotlight, insecurity only grew and Avery felt that cosmetic surgery would be the cure for low self-confidence. Avery was a talented reporter and was moving up quickly in the field. However, the results of the surgery altered Avery's appearance to the point of being unrecognizable to the audience. The unintended consequence of the "self-improvement" was losing valuable career progress and having to deal with scathing comments from the public.

Although this example seems a bit unusual or extreme, it has actually occurred. But there are plenty of mundane examples you could draw from. The main point is that the desire to change oneself was motivated from a dark place of trauma and low self-esteem. A deeper issue was that Avery had formed the mistaken idea that self-worth was tied to particular physical characteristics, and this belief was then buttressed by lifelong emotional reasoning every time insecurity got triggered.

Avery was, by most measures, a fully functional and successful person in life but was unable to face up to the root causes of insecurity. Without understanding root causes, superficial (intellectualized) thinking can only come up with band-aid solutions. The problem with band-aid solutions is that they tend to be self-sabotaging. Avery ironically ended up in a situation of being bullied in the same manner as in childhood. Living with a salted psychological wound turned out to be even harder than living with the original physical attribute that got surgically "improved".

When people don't tackle their psychological problems at the root (such as address the emotional trauma of being bullied in Avery's case), what often ends up happening is that they keep encountering the same problem or making the same mistake over and over again, on a loop, throughout life. These recurrences are, in fact, opportunities to learn and grow. But more often than not, people don't make the right changes and then the cycle of suffering continues.

One major reason people can't get at the root/heart of the problem is because of ego development issues, which is the third point you're missing, and it ties the first two points together. Ego development is about psychological maturity. It encompasses many things including a person's level of self-awareness, i.e., the depth of insight they have into all the psychological processes of the mind.

With a high degree of self-awareness, one is basically transparent to oneself and thus capable of genuine authenticity. An important aspect of authenticity is discovering what the deepest truth of oneself is calling for. From this truth, one innately understands what should be accepted versus what should be changed, and what chasing superficial ego gain looks like versus meaningful progress toward individuation. There's nothing intellectual or analytical about it. It's not a "skill" but a genuine willingness to listen to the deepest parts of oneself, far beyond mere ego.

Unfortunately, most people remain at low levels of ego development throughout life, which means living in fear, completely ruled by ego, and thus unable to hear what's really going on inside. At lower levels of development, the ego is too fragile to confront the truth of oneself, including things such as painful memories and emotional triggers.

The danger of facing up to uncomfortable truths when the ego isn't strong enough and psychologically ready enough is that it could lead to a severe breakdown in mental health, which is why people unconsciously resort to defense mechanisms for distancing from pain and suffering. It is imperative for growth to be slow in order to increase psychological readiness at the appropriate pace.

Unfortunately though, reliance on defense mechanisms keeps self-awareness very low, which makes people more likely to choose the wrong paths for self-improvement. When you aren't aware of what your underlying intentions and motivations are, it's like sailing without a compass, and you basically live at the mercy of every environmental disturbance that blows your way.

At this point, people who intellectually understand what I'm saying will inevitably ask, "So, how do I level up in ego development?" And I will repeat what I said last time I addressed this topic:

Ego development isn’t something you can directly change through targeted, intellectually-based "fixes". Rather, it happens gradually and naturally as a side-effect of long-term purposeful self-work. The reason people remain at low levels of ego development is mainly because they (unconsciously) fear the pain that self-work often entails.

Self-work involves challenging yourself to grow as a person, including but not limited to things such as:

reflecting on your beliefs and correcting the faulty ones that lead you to misunderstand how the world works

reflecting on your values to ensure you are a person of good character and consistently putting values into practice

reflecting on your self-esteem and making adjustments to ensure you see yourself realistically and evaluate yourself fairly

reflecting on your self-worth and how you measure it and whether you’re being reasonable and treating yourself with respect, empathy, and compassion

confronting every mistake you make in order to build wisdom and ensure you don’t repeat negative behavior or form bad habits

welcoming both positive and negative feedback and taking it into careful consideration when thinking about how to change

reflecting on your shortcomings, flaws, and weaknesses and challenging yourself to make incremental progress on them

learning graceful acceptance of the things about yourself that cannot be changed and loving yourself as is

exploring your capabilities and taking time to realize more and more of your greater potential

reflecting on who you really are at heart and what kinds of activities you should spend your time doing in order to feel fulfilled in life

Though it is implied above, I will add a point to make it explicit:

facing up to the things that cause you recurring pain and learning how to resolve them in a way that ends the cycle of suffering

If you're unwilling to do the above and persist at it, there's not much more I can say. If you get that you need to do the above but have no idea how or where to start, find a good therapist. Another reason growth is slow is that self-work by nature is a process of knowing yourself in fragments and layers and gradually achieving deeper and deeper insight into how everything fits together.

Through no fault of our own, many of us live in a culture of "I want it all, immediately, with as little effort as possible". Adopting this kind of attitude from the broader culture is also a direct obstacle to growth because it breeds helplessness or, worse, entitlement.

You can go around asking every influencer, self-help guru, or doctor out there for a quick-fix or band-aid solution to your psychological problems. I've known people who have spent a lifetime looking for answers in all the wrong places. I would argue that your time and energy are far better spent on humble and conscientious self-work.

Self-work can be painful, sure, but not doing it is also painful because all your psychological problems will just keep causing trouble. If you're going to endure pain either way, at least make it count for something.

No matter how many times people ask or in how many different ways, I will always respond with the same idea: Growing as a person isn't easy and that's the point. Growth is earned through experiencing the struggle of learning in fits and starts, as you patiently and compassionately untangle the painful web of knots that block your view of the authentic self.

I probably “intellectualize” a lot generally as I rely a lot on external advice, self-help, researching, psychology, etc. to figure out my problems. I don’t know if this is inherently a bad thing—if I hadn’t found many of psychology’s ideas I definitely would hardly be in a good place. However, every time I do this, I feel guilty or afraid that I’m navel gazing, and uncertain whether I actually am. If I don’t do this, however, I feel intractably stuck. Most of the progress I’ve made relied on my own ‘pure’ judgment in some form, but when I continue to tap into it I start becoming delusional or something, and even more stuck. I will detail my problem now and how this happens when I try to work on it.

I have been trying to be more patient, more resilient, and gain awareness of the thought processes that lead to disappointment. On the way, I realized that one of my major problems was immense frustration whenever something ‘went wrong’. I think this is very related to Ti loop and Se grip. If something doesn’t ‘make sense’ to me or if I don’t know what it means for me—such as someone’s mean comments, negative intentions; what makes certain tasks or activities purposeful; whether I’m choosing a good direction in life—I don’t feel my life (presently) is ‘meaningful’ anymore, that my ‘good’ actions are meaningless things that I am ‘forced’ to do to be well-adjusted. I feel an urge to escape from the situation and move into nihilism, perhaps narrowing my point of attention to a very small point so that I don’t have to think about it all. I want to forget about all of the mess. My unrealistic expectations perhaps pile up when I do this.

For example it so happens that I have poor social skills that often leads people to reject me. Of course, it is unreasonable to expect anyone to like me. But when I tell myself ‘it’s okay if people don’t like me’, my frustrations become extreme; I become provoked, implacable. “Why should it be the case that even if people reject me, they think I’m a bad person just for having emotional issues, make gross assumptions about my behavior, etc. etc.” I often resort to thinking those people are ‘shallow’. And it doesn’t help that in reality, I’m getting increasing amounts of evidence that even decent people can be very shallow. I guess it’s not my business and my interpretation is what matters—my judgmentalness here shows my own struggles. And if I’m being honest I’m rather OK with the rejection per se. What bothers me immensely is that the rejection was based on things that indicated that they were first of all looking out for their own comfort rather than mine, that they blindsided my unrealistic expectations of them. I feel exposed for being so out of touch.

But I’ve attempted to be more in touch with reality often, more realistic, but it doesn’t work. All I can think of telling myself is, ‘you should know that people are shallow’, which doesn’t seem realistic at all; it’s just a blanket statement. Or I tell myself, I should go out for your own enjoyment, not necessarily for genuine connection with others. Or even better that I should be more adaptable, chill, focused on mutual enjoyment. I’ve often gone out with these intentions and ended up being totally lost on what to do, acting even more awkward probably creeping people out. This ties back to that things ‘stop making sense’. Like I don’t understand what’s happening around me; I’m here for enjoyment or I’m trying to be adaptable, what does that mean? How does it tie to what matters to me? Sometimes I figure out in the moment why something matters to me practically and act pretty well, but it requires a lot of mental work and tying together all the complex factors quickly, and it happens rarely (though more frequently as I’ve made some sort of progress). It requires thinking of everything at once. And I’m slow when it comes to things like this. It doesn’t help that I feel very angry when I realize that my ‘slowness’ is the thing that’s leading people to misunderstand and judge me. It feels unfair… and then same thing with this, I try to figure out my unrealistic expectation that the world should be fair and reasonable and defuse it, but now it’s double complicated with the original thing.

Similarly I often struggle with figuring out how to find more meaning and purpose in life. I have many meaningful goals, like helping out my family, making progress in my career, learning good things, solving my emotional problems, building a social support system, becoming a better person. I don’t actively feel hopeless as long as I don’t touch on my blindspots too much. But when I try to grow more it comes crumbling down. Like I’ll become disappointed that I think so much about external rewards when it comes to my career. It is pretty clear that I want to be validated for the work I do and it often motivates me, I wonder if a bit too much. But instead of addressing this directly, my mind commonly becomes a mess noticing; I go on internal monologues about how it’s so unfair that I’ve to lose social validation and be judged if I did more meaningful work, or that the industry I work in suffers so many issues, on and on and on until I’ve formed a full internal narrative about how the world sucks.

Anyway, I suspect a window into this issue comes when I try to work on it. I’ll try to make mental models of when my emotions get triggered, what are the ‘underlying issues’ (emotional intelligence, denial, etc.), but if I don’t actively resist by feeling sleepy and detached, I become very frustrated, intellectualize, start reading psychology or researching abstract things like ‘how to solve emotional problems’ lol. I suspect I actually do it right a lot of the time, except with immense self-doubt that interferes with learning. I’ll tell myself, why am I learning about emotions, I should be just doing what I need to do to grow. Also, very often I don’t know where to look or how to interpret what I read, making me more confused. And when I try to ‘handle it myself’, telling myself I myself know what’s best for me, I resort to just ‘powering through’ my frustration, which doesn’t work very well. Either way, my frustrations and underlying hopelessness pile up and I give into some sort of weird entertainment or falling asleep.

I think if I were able to think more clearly and prevent my messy mind I’d be far more efficient. Yet this thought itself triggers me! I become afraid, throughout history, people didn’t really have access to psychology and stuff, or to modern scientific / critical thinking courses, do I not have the resources to handle myself? Am I avoiding or evading my problems? Also, isn’t ‘intellectual development’ going to make my detachment worse? Isn’t Ti loop a problem? I have a lot of evidence now that I should just bite the bullet and work on the critical thinking related to properly sorting out my mind. To be fair I do often start doing this; I’d crack open a book, Google things, or think about my issues more systematically. The anxiety is usually quite extreme though and I don’t learn for long. Sometimes, when I get frustrated or upset I’ll do things that are obviously useless, like Google very very specific questions as if I'm talking to some human expert, lol.

Anyway, you can see how messy and divided my thoughts are here. I guess I would just appreciate some help clearing my confusion and making sense of what is happening to me. I suspect the main issue to prioritize is my pattern / habit of not being able to work through problems patiently. But I’ve thought so for a while and it’s not helped too much, so there's clearly something I'm missing. I’m afraid I'm wasting time digging on this when I could be living a more meaningful and fulfilling life. Sorry this got long, and thank you so much! I am always stunned by your knowledge and insight.

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In a nutshell: Almost all the thought patterns you've described are characteristic of Ni-Ti loop, with a few examples of Se grip sprinkled in. When tertiary loop exhibits such a prominent role in your psychology, it is a clear indication that there is a serious problem happening with dominant and auxiliary function development.

You've learned enough type theory to accurately identify some unhealthy thought patterns and try to apply a "fix", but you still don't have enough self-awareness to catch the majority of them, so it's easy for you to get swept away by them.

It's obvious you're trying your best to work though your issues, but your best isn't good enough sometimes. If it pains you to hear that, it means you are not in touch with reality. It is a reality for everyone that life cannot only be made up of successes.

The best way to build a strong and healthy sense of self is to realize your potential. The first key point you're missing is that potential isn't only realized through building yourself up for success; a significant portion of human potential lies dormant, waiting to be mined, in every single one of your mistakes and failures. If things don't work out for you, keep trying until you finally become smart/skilled enough to get it right. (This is the Ni component of the problem.)

You are essentially denying yourself very valuable opportunities to realize your potential because of trying to escape or deny the things you don't like about reality. To have "unrealistic expectations" means you always expect things to go perfectly for you. You basically walk around as though you are entitled to perfection from everyone and everything, as though you are owed everything your heart desires. This kind of unreasonably impatient attitude is toddler mentality. Is it not the epitome of egocentric thinking? Unfortunately, this leads you to suffer constantly from self-inflicted disappointments and frustrations.

If living life well were as simple and straightforward as your "unrealistic expectations" make you believe, then we would all be doing it, wouldn't we? You call others "shallow" when your own thinking barely skims the surface of how complicated human life really is. This kind of hypocrisy is characteristic of Ti loop, of a mind that is unable to detect its own errors.

One obvious sign of Ti misuse is the tendency to criticize others as a means to deflect disapproval of oneself. No, it is NOT a "fact" that the majority of people are shallow; this is a value judgment that you came to just because a few people didn't live up to your subjective expectations of them. One of the first lessons they teach you in critical thinking courses is how to tell the difference between facts and values.

Ti loop is insidious because it makes you overconfident that everything you believe is "fact" and thus unassailable. Invincibility feels nice, right? Unfortunately, it is actually just imperviousness to facts. As I explained in a previous post, tertiary loop is tempting and addicting because it allows you to reside in a mental space where you are never wrong. But that constitutes a denial of reality, which is precisely what makes one delusional in the long run.

Tertiary loop is an ego defense mechanism. People use defense mechanisms to avoid facing up to inconvenient, unpleasant, or uncomfortable truths. Instead of using Ti as it is meant to be used - to examine and vet one's own judgment transparently - looping INFJs use Ti to invent "truths" that are more convenient and comfortable to believe in.

Ti misuse in FJs often manifests as shifting around blame by telling cause-and-effect "stories" that patly explain the motivations behind undesirable behavior. Your story of choice uses "shallowness" as the main theme... which means you are the only special "deep" one in the world, yes? Another aspect of "unrealistic expectations" is walking around believing that everyone should be like you or else they are inferior.

Unfortunately, these stories ultimately bring you nothing but a false sense of power, a momentary ego boost. You really showed those people who rejected you by calling them "shallow", right? No, nothing was achieved and no problem was resolved. If anything, it made you less willing to open up and socialize, which only serves to hamper future Fe development. If one doesn't take tertiary loop seriously, one starts to spiral deeper into it, getting further and further away from healthy development.

The first step for ending tertiary loop is to admit that your way of thinking is wrong. If you can't do that, if you're too addicted to the mere feeling of being right, then you'll continue the slow descent into self-loathing. I can't tell you how many INFJs have said to me that therapy didn't work for them because they couldn't handle the therapist implying that their thinking was flawed. Some of them even knew they were wrong but still weren't willing to give up the comfort of faulty beliefs.

For someone who struggles so much internally, it's surprising that so little of what you wrote was devoted to feelings and emotions. It's actually not surprising, though, because defense mechanisms are used for the precise purpose of covering them up.

Underneath the thick web of Ti stories and rationalizations is a boiling cauldron full of negative feelings and emotions, right? Though you keep trying to intellectualize them away, they are still there. And the more you try to intellectualize them away, the hotter they boil. What's in the cauldron? Anxiety, loneliness, alienation, guilt, shame, sadness, anger, disgust, resentment, rage, hatred... what else?

What happens with Se grip is that those buried emotions get the better of you, so you lose control of yourself, and your mind behaves as though it doesn't belong to you. To improve your emotional intelligence requires you to finally take ownership of your emotions.

The second key point you're missing is that as long as you're unwilling to deal directly with your feelings and emotions, you'll need defense mechanisms, basically forced to do all manner of mental gymnastics to escape feeling bad. This is the origin of Ni-Ti loop. You're trying to get away from the reality of yourself and how you feel like a shameful social failure, so you have to invent stories and excuses to soothe yourself. And in the moments you are aware of the fakery, you feel even worse about yourself for being a fraud. (This is the Fe component of the problem.)

What's so wrong with allowing yourself to feel, especially when not allowing it leaves you worse off? Are you not human? It fucking hurts to get rejected, so cry about it. It fucking hurts to feel lonely, so cry about it. It fucking hurts to fall down, so cry about it. And once you're done crying, get on with life. Is that not preferable to getting totally lost in a mental maze of harmful and hateful stories?

Do you really want to be a more realistic person, since chronic loop indicates otherwise? Start by facing up to the reality of yourself and learn to accept what you see. Yes, people suck sometimes and the world sucks sometimes, but so do you, because you're a part of the world - stop pretending otherwise. You may not have the power to make the world suck less, but you absolutely have the power to make yourself suck less.

You can always change your part of the world through being a better member of it, through making better choices - this is the spirit of Fe. "Choosing" tertiary loop means choosing to believe that change isn't possible, that change isn't good, or that change is unnecessary. And where does that leave you, as Ni dominant who needs change to make meaningful progress in life?