#making mistakes

My main issues currently are

1 - Identity crisis and negative future predictions

2 - Doubting my own abilities and the way I think/perceive the world

3 - Struggling with relationships and sense of belonging

I'll try to elaborate a bit on each of them, I've been thinking about it a lot, over and over again, and while I can see there's a commonality between all of them and there definitely could be something going on with the way I'm approaching things/thinking, like an imbalance, it's so hard for me to tackle it alone even if I'm trying my best to get educated and improve. I think it's relevant to say that I can't afford therapy anymore but before I had to leave my therapist was suspecting depression and GAD, and Im pretty sure I've had depression for at least a decade now so that could be influencing the way I think.

Identity crisis & Negative future predictions

Because of mental health struggles and a very unhealthy breakup of a relationship lasted 6 years, living together for 4 of them (I was trying to escape from my household, abusive), I failed out of University (Im from Europe, it's cheaper here), my anxiety spiked so much that I couldn't get myself to talk in front of professors or even go outside. Because of this and the ending of my relationship, I had to move back to my parents' house and they have a habit of putting me down, they also are extremely ignorant regarding mental health, definitely unhelpful as I started to show very clear signs that something was wrong and they used it to ramp up their verbal attacks against me, which in turn fed the loop of my health getting worse. I have issues sleeping, waking up, getting up, doing anything, focusing, I dissociate a lot, and I can't eat properly, and i don't have access to resources that could help because I live in a very small village and my family doesn't have much money.

I am very ambitious, I love to study and learn more about pretty much anything but especially my fields of interest, but my parents probably don't recognise it because they just think I'm a good for nothing and should just settle down with a wealthy husband and a "stable job" instead.

Of course I try not to think about it, but as time goes on and they refuse to help with any of my attempts at improving my future by withholding money even for basic necessities or medical visits, I can't shake the feeling that this is headed in a very bad place and that I will never get what I want out of life, and in my head this isn't me being negative but just realistic. I've tried to think about it logically, but it just seems like no matter how I put it there's no way to get out of this, and for a year(s) every day has been a miserable loop of unhelpful thoughts and regrets about the past, to a point where I feel like I completely turned into someone else (identity crisis).

I know a lot of this must be because of my untreated mental health/insufficient treatment of my underlying conditions, but there are no jobs available here for me to take that into my hands and fix it so I'm trying to focus on what I can control, so supposedly the way I think about it. I am taking steps to hopefully get out of here and rely on community as I escape once again from this household in a bigger city and cut my parents off (either entirely or to a degree where I can live peacefully), but that will take time and until then I want to be functional enough and improve wherever I can. I was angry at them, or at my ex for basically treating me like them, but I've let that go and realised that at least regarding my ex it was me who let his behaviour continue without consequences, and I understand why I felt like i couldn't break it off back then, but I've thought about my role in it and I just see it as a lesson to never let that happen again. I try to have some sort of philosophy or meaning to get me through very hard things, but what I'm living now is so unnecessarily complex that I cant possibly think of anything to contextualise it in a more positive/neutral light, if only I had more support I would be much better, but I have to accept this is my situation and this is what I should work with. Easier said than done, I cant stand it.

Doubting my own abilities and the way I think/perceive the world

I see people around me be way more accomplished and functional, but as I said I find it very difficult to focus because of dissociation and whatever emotional turmoil I have going on or whatever "daily crisis" I have to deal with because of my unstable chaotic household. It's all very stupid honestly. I used to be an avid reader before, studying always energised me and I did do freelance in the art field for a bit, I also started setting up a group for green activism, so I'd say at my best maybe I have something to offer, but I cant really believe it now. Since I can't focus everything I've built for myself is eroding, ever since I came back here it feels as though all of the momentum I had crashed to the ground. Last time I was here I was convinced that moving away for university would be the turnaround point where I leave the household and I can finally achieve my goals, so I was working hard every day, but now that I know what could happen and that the future timeline is negative I'm basically paralysed and usually spending my days doing very impulsive things or bedrotting. Feels like im on my deathbed. I don't like it, I want to improve.

Struggling with relationships and sense of belonging

In my village there are 300 people total, I'm one of the few young ones, and even in that demographic I really don't relate to the ones that live here. They are contempt, usually share the same closed mindset that can be typical of village people, which in a way is good for them because they live here and can feel happy but to me this just accentuates the divide between myself and others and the world around me. If I were to open up about my struggles, people around me wouldn't understand. I have online friends, but even they usually don't get why I push myself so hard. I cant let myself rest, it's been more than 5 years since I've watched a movie alone or did anything for entertainment unless a friend doesn't want to do It with me, at which point I do just to make them happy, and I enjoy it a lot, I think good media (books, movies etc) sparks something in me, since the field I'd like to work on is also a creative one (visual development), but I can't focus and calmly sit down to read or watch something - not even for pleasure.

Im trying very hard to change this but it's a big block in my mind, my parents used to be very strict when i was a child, so now I can't help but feel a lot of guilt when I'm not doing anything "productive", and their definition of productive is extremely limited, but then again now they put me in the "failure" category, so I'm not expected to study or do productive things either, which leaves me in a state of nothingness. They just ignore me and I lock myself in my room all day. In a way, I can finally take agency over my life and work on my career, but some part of me is very drained and doesn't have much energy to dispense anymore. I am slightly ashamed to admit it but it'd be nice to have more support. I have some supportive friends but they're very far and can't be of any concrete help since I've learnt that venting doesn't actually solve much, but at least I've found a few people that understand and pushed me to take more decisive action (as soon as I get out im going to the hospital and looking for local resources that can help me).

Mbti related

Because of a lot of what I've said, I've also been starting to doubt my type. I do relate a lot and I've read about functions, it might be because I currently don't feel like I have any strengths.

I've started to doubt Ni a lot, because I've been getting lost into details and overwhelmed by them and I can never seem to syntesize them effectively, even when it comes to the future I think everything is just turning negative, I don't think I'm good enough at Ni, but I'm not good with Si either, plus I dont relate with Si at all.

I'm not easily contempt with the little things, tho I'd surely enjoy to have a baseline stability in my everyday life and I do try to be appreciative and practice gratitude for the little things, it is definitely not enough. I despise the idea of living in a small comfortable bubble and that kind of stagnation and monotonous life feels like hot sludge, I've tried to get used to it, but it makes me suffer a lot as I see it as a meaningless existence (it only applies to me, I kind of appreciate people who are contempt like that and I think I can learn a lot from them, tho sometimes I do get negative feelings towards them if I feel like they are trying to make me fully adopt their mentality).

Regarding Ni I believe it's probably the best fit for me. I'd say im very contemplative especially when I'm calm and not dissociated, from the outside I look like im zoning out or unaware most of the time, I definitely feel like an introverted perceiving function is my dominant and I've made a very brief case for why I don't think it's Si. I tend to also be more vague and conceptual and disregard rigid structures and processes, I don't have much respect for authority or whatever societal construct is put in place if I feel it's harming people or just unnecessarily convoluted (hence why activism), but on the other side I doubt my reality, myself, my abilities and my perception a lot so I might be completely off. (Identity & Reality crisis again).

Even before finding out about mbti, my identity always felt a bit unstable, I think I overly relied on people and tried to emulate them to make up for the fact I feel very different from everyone, not in the sense that im special but more like "i barely feel human and I don't relate". Also, if I am Ni dom and infj I dont have a good grasp on myself because I try to be like others. I have a friend that is very good at getting things done, he is very functional and positive and I'd like to be more like him but i just can't get myself to, and I fail to see any worth in myself and what I do especially because it seems as if im losing control over my mind and my future is disappearing, while at the same time I'm constantly reminded of my past failures by my parents. It's a bad spot to be in, i usually dont concern myself much with whatever happened but my mind is very easy to twist and I can start to loop and overanalyze every little thing and the implications of doing x thing instead of the other. Exhausting, that's why i spend my day sleeping or doing nothing.

Anyway hopefully this wasn't too much/too long/too loaded or vague. I understand if it's something you don't feel like is useful to answer as I don't know if I did the best job at explaining myself, but I wish you a good day! Take care and thank you again

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I'm glad you find my blog helpful, thank you for saying so.

I understand why you would doubt your type. I can't comment in detail unless you do a type assessment, but suffice it to say that it is always best to assess type when mentally healthy. At low points in life, one's subjective view of oneself can get very distorted because of often behaving in ways that aren't consistent with who one really is (due to tertiary loop and inferior grip). For what it's worth, you haven't said anything that would make me seriously doubt INFJ, so I feel fine leaving this topic aside for now.

The main topic I'd like to discuss is human growth and flourishing. I believe you really want to improve yourself and your life, and it's unfortunate you've met so many obstacles. Is there a flaw in your thinking that, if corrected, would help you get life in better order? As far as I can tell, the point you're not quite understanding is that there is a process one must follow in order for growth to happen, and not following the process often ends up sabotaging growth.

A common example of self-sabotage is not making use of resources. This can manifest as: talking yourself out of action, saying 'no' to good opportunities, not taking good advice, not reaching out for support as needed. Something that many successful people can't or don't like to admit is that they didn't do it all on their own. Society tends to glorify the results, without understanding what went into obtaining them.

Actors need a crew to film a movie. Singers need musicians and producers. Writers need a way to publish. CEOs can't get rich without keeping employee wages low. You get the point. People exist in a web of interdependence. In the real world, lots of jobs are gotten through friends and acquaintances. If you've bought into the myth that the best kind of person is a "self-made" person, then I'm afraid to tell you that you may not get very far in life.

Just look at how ashamed you feel to reach out and ask for help. It's not a healthy mindset to be an island. People need people. I know it's not always easy for introverts to socialize but you have to treat socializing as you would food and drink - it's a fundamental need that requires fulfillment. Can you live without social support? You can survive physically but you won't be in great shape psychologically.

One of the best things you can do for yourself is connect with people more often. Studies have shown again and again that having good relationships is a key, if not the key ingredient for living a full and meaningful life. For many people, their social network shrinks dramatically as soon as they leave school.

You have to understand how important it is to develop a habit of meeting new people on a regular basis. People don't only offer support and companionship but also opportunity. Thus, the fewer people you know, the fewer opportunities you'll encounter in life.

I'm not saying you need to have a million friends. The point being made is that, if you care about continually broadening your horizons, then it's a good idea to keep meeting new people who can inspire you, encourage you, and teach you new things.

Another common example of self-sabotage is social comparison or wishing to be like someone else. It's a mental shortcut that leads to self-harm. In essence, you're imposing someone else's story on yourself, perhaps out of envy, but this means your story will never have a chance to get told. How can you become the person you're meant to be if you never allow yourself the freedom to discover who you are?

When you get criticized by parents or feel pressured by societal forces, how do you react? You react by comparing yourself against their standards (unhealthy Fe) and then feel bad about yourself. This means you still have a lot to learn about independence. A lot of people think independence is about going it alone. No, independence means growing up and being able to think for yourself and make judgments and decisions without being unduly influenced by irrelevant factors.

If it's a bad idea for you to impose other people's stories on yourself, then it's also a bad idea for you to allow others to impose their standards upon you. You are not under any obligation to meet anyone's expectations. Your obligation is to well-being, to set up the conditions that are needed for growth, such that you become a productive and contributing member of society.

There are many ways to be productive and contribute and feel that you matter, so don't let other people's small-mindedness make you small. Give yourself space to imagine and create a life that suits you, otherwise you'll never find true fulfillment. Ni seriously needs work if you can't imagine possibilities.

Beware that Ns sabotage their own growth sometimes out of ignorance (of the importance of following the rules), sometimes out of arrogance (in thinking the rules don't apply to them), by wanting too much too soon (unrealistic), or by trying to skip ahead to the more complex before having the basics taken care of (unreasonable).

One of the downsides of being too "big picture" is that it can cause you to continually flub the details, and then the big picture never really comes to pass. It's all well and good to strive for an ideal of who you want to be, but the ideal will always remain an empty image until you are able to implement a realistic step-by-step plan to get there. In other words, ideals don't pay the bills.

To help you understand the growth process better, you can refer to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Human needs start from basic and then gradually move to the more complex. For example, if you don't even have your basic physical needs taken care of, such as food, clothing, and shelter, then you won't have the right frame of mind to take care of more complex needs, such as social belonging or self-actualization.

This is similar to the concept of "paying your dues". It means you have to start from the bottom and gradually work your way up to the top. Being at the "bottom" sucks, but it's the best way to ensure that you have truly earned your success all along the way. And only then can you feel genuinely proud of your achievements.

Yes, life isn't fair, because not everyone is forced to start at the very bottom. Some people take shortcuts because they have more privilege and resources handed to them through family or geography, but know that this has invisible effects on growth. However, that's their story, and their story is ultimately irrelevant to yours. Comparing yourself to others is just an exercise in self-violence.

To write a good story for yourself, you have to start with the facts of your situation and move forward from there. You have to focus on what you need, what resources are available to you, and what you are able to accomplish with the opportunities that do appear.

In order for Ni to remain focused and determined, you must learn the difference between what can and cannot be controlled. The things you don't have the power to change, such as an unfair society, are just noise. If you can't tune out the noise, you'll never have the discipline to pursue sustained progress.

It's a lot easier to focus when you have a feasible plan in place. Right now, your thinking is messy. You're busy with feeling bad about yourself and also want too many things all at once. You have to think smaller, focus on the first steps, and then build up from there. Attending to the basics means that you always have something to work on, even when you don't have a final destination settled.

No matter who you are or which path you end up choosing in life, whether it is simple or ambitious, it must always begin with having a healthy body. A healthy body is a prerequisite for a healthy mind. Even when you are lost in life or have no idea what to do, the basic act of taking care of your body is the best starting point. Being physically healthy, you'll have more mental energy and emotional capacity for taking on life's challenges.

I cannot emphasize physical health enough. Studies have been done on young students and they've found that simply eating a good breakfast or eating more vegetables increases their ability to concentrate, learn, and retain information. Studies have been done on people of all ages that show how important sleep and exercise are to cognition. Recent studies have shown that diet and gut have a significant influence over symptoms of depression and anxiety. People really underestimate how much physical health affects mental health.

Yes, it takes some money to be healthy, to afford good food, sleep regularly, and have enough leisure time to exercise. Financial independence should be a priority, and it is a process of starting small and working your way up to better conditions. There's a reason young people flee small villages and towns. There are indeed fewer job opportunities in rural areas. But making it in the big city can be hard. It requires commitment, determination, and resilience. You may have to make sacrifices for awhile, such as living in cramped quarters, working long hours, or confronting urban blight.

The question is how hard are you willing to work for your future. Are you willing to nurture patience for starting at the bottom and working your way up? What's the alternative? Learning to be content with simple village life. Like you said, there's nothing wrong with village life per se, but is it the life for you? If you genuinely believe it isn't, then you know what you need to do. Listen to Ni when it tells you that there's more to life. It's not about getting greedy or ambitious but about knowing that you have greater potential to fulfill and then taking action.

Be careful about saying things like "poor mental health causes me to fail". Mental health is rarely so simple. It could be the case that failure caused poor mental health as well. To improve mental health is also a process of starting at the bottom, with the basics. Break it down into smaller steps. Start with taking control over the smaller things in life, such as removing little obstacles/distractions and setting short-term goals, and then work your way up to bigger things, slowly building up self-confidence along the way. Self-confidence is very important for maintaining an upbeat attitude and it is best accrued through incremental steps.

If you didn't make it through school the first time, it doesn't mean you will never make it or that there are no other options. Past performance doesn't have to dictate future outcomes. Your success depends on whether you learn from your mistakes.

If you struggle with Ni-Ti loop, then chances are you have a bad habit of blowing mistakes out of proportion. Serious question: What good does it do to beat yourself up? Blame is pointless, not to mention exhausting. Not every failure is a moral failure that requires guilt, shame, and punishment. Learn to be less dramatic and face up to mistakes and problems more pragmatically.

When it comes to failure, it is to be accepted as a fact of life. Think of it this way: You have to be bad at something in order to eventually become good at it. This is a biological fact. It takes time and corrective practice to form a new neuronal connection in the brain and develop it into a rich network of knowledge and wisdom. There's no escaping failure because it is necessary for learning how to do better. Expecting perfection means you're out of sync with reality. Perfectionism is really just ego and ego is just another distraction.