#imfamousnow

It’s amazing how freeing this has become, and in such a short time!

Yesterday I took the time to log out of all of my social media accounts, making note of the usernames, passwords, and emails associated with each of them - for future reference. On this journey through my Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and 4 different email accounts - I noticed something. Does anyone remember the website “Fanfiction.net”? 

For those of you who don’t know, this is a website that was SUPER popular when I was in my younger teen years. Essentially, you choose your fandom whether it be a book, movie, or even a TV series, and you upload original written content within that fandom’s context. I had chosen to write about Harry Potter because at the time of uploading, only the 4th book had been released. If I remember correctly, I had wanted to write my story as the books unfolded. Of course this fell through as life got busy, and I never finished it. Fast forward maybe 10-11 years later, and I find that I have a TON of emails from this site! Fan letters, reviews, and notifications from readers who loved the story. I looked at the stats and my unfinished pre-teen attempt at a love story was famous, garnering over 500 readers a week! 

Now I still don’t really know how that’s possible to be honest. This new generation of FanFiction readers are a LOT younger than I am so I assumed that their tastes would vary as well. The site has changed and it was a miracle I knew my password still. The content however, lives in a time capsule with a devout fanbase. Since the Harry Potter series is finished my current readers are reviewing my work through a completed lens - unlike my readers in the past. We couldn’t conceptualize an ending because, unless we wanted to create one ourselves, there wasn’t one yet. So maybe that’s why my new readers are so interested in my story? They want an alternate ending, reality, or universe to explore whilst in the comfort zone that is the HP fandom?

I was and still am incredibly confused - grateful, but hella confused. I explained all of this to one of my best friends in an early morning frantic text, and added that she was now in the presence of fame. Through her suggestion and that of my family (who are equal parts confused as they are proud, for some reason), I’ve uploaded a new chapter after almost a DECADE of being MIA. I essentially stated that I was grateful for my readers and that, while I don’t plan on making it an epic by any means, that I would re-write the story with an ending for them. That way, although it may be short and simple, the writing would be improved and they would all get some closure. 

That brings me to the point that strained my brain - I have absolutely no interest in continuing this story. FanFiction for us, at the time as young writers, was a way of building our skills. We learnt how to develop a theme, context, dialogue, and build a scene and suspense - all while having it based in someone else’s world. That made it easier to develop your skills without the stress of creating everything from scratch. At my ripe old age now, I find that I want to make original pieces of work, stress and all! So continuing this story, although a promise I’ve made, is going to be a hard one to keep this year.

That brings me to the resolutions I’ve decided to make for 2018. Here’s hoping I’m able to keep them, Insh’Allah! The few that I have are:

1. Practice self-care (I am INFAMOUS for having none)

2. Maintain staying unplugged (social media is a drain)

3. Get more fit (a fan favorite)

4. Drink more water

5. Sleep on a regular circadian cycle (unlike the nightmare I had been living with originally)

6. Write more

7. Build my business

8. Apply for jobs that I want 

9. Gain better coping mechanisms

10. Learn how to style my clothes and makeup better

Although I could probably go on and on, those are my top 10. Loving myself more is a long journey that I had been avoiding for years. Not only loving myself, but taking care of myself and believing in my abilities. 8 years of University have kicked the self-worth right out of me, and it’s time that I gain that back. 

Its only been one day of quitting social media and to be honest, I feel incredibly refreshed. It’s like I gave myself the chance to breathe, be more genuine, and do things from the heart. I know it sounds super dramatic but I really do feel a lot better about myself! I’m taking things slow and doing things with more passion, intricately, and I just take my time now. I have no one to haphazardly compare myself to, and it makes me believe in myself more. That being said, I had to write a scary email to my boss which I’m still trying to recover from - and he wants me to call him at the end of my hiatus. Which is TERRIFYING, but over time I’ll be able to lessen the impact this anxiety has caused me. Hopefully. 

On a side note, I’m noticing these little issues in myself when it comes to my anxiety. Things like asking for time off from my boss, interacting with people on the phone (I’ve gotten better at this actually), standing up for my self-care in any capacity or my right to have something done properly - I become so nervous! I’m not one of those people that can sit on an email or a text and not open it, I need to do those things right away like tearing off a bandaid. But REPLYING, and contemplating what I’ll say and how to react - that’s an entirely different story. Entirely. 

But at the basis of every fear, I find that it’s driven by pessimism. My anxieties are fueled by a feeling of not being good enough and of failure. I guess that’s my biggest resolution for the new year then - to try and stay optimistic. Not only will this keep my anxieties at bay, but it’s the foundation for all the changes I want for myself. Pray for me guys, I’m hoping this year I can make a difference in myself!

So for the next MONTH, I’ll be living off of my savings basically. Staying at home, building a routine, trying to do what’s best for myself. Whatever the outcome is I’ll deal with it, but honestly...my mind and body are rock bottom. I can’t continue living like this. Getting rid of my social media was a BIG first step, and now, I can’t wait to see how I’ll grow!

FAMOOOUUUSSSSS