#ilyaposting

caretaking is a comfort for ilya and a large part of where he derives his worth and he's been deprived of it. he gets glimpses of it with shane, who allows himself to be cared for to such an extent that it scares ilya and makes him retreat

we know he was close to his mother, how he probably took care of her, made extra sure to make her laugh on hard days and feeling every bit like a failure when it stopped brightening her eyes. making her food that goes cold and rapidly running out of ways to take care of her, his ways of making her happy too quickly outnumbered by everything that made her sad until he finds her and knows undoubtedly that maybe he can't take care of people in any real way and have it be enough

so of course this created avoidance. he wants to take care of his family, but he can't do it via closeness the way he thought might work with his mother (and they wouldn't want it anymore anyway) so he takes care of them by leaving, funding their lives and winning them awards and being the best so he can keep being hated and needed in equal measure. he learned very young that love doesn't actually make much of a difference when it comes to caretaking but money, money works every time.

until it doesn't, and his father has dementia and he wants to be there to take care of him and his father is calling him and looking small and vulnerable in a way ilya's never seen him and he can't be there to take care of his father in a meaningful way so he defaults to what he always does and sends money and goes home when he can and hopes the money he sends alexei will be enough to make sure they're all taken care of

then his father dies and he's denied even the hollow bonding that typically happens to family in grief, he's met with a request for more, money rather than actual comfort, funds instead of family. he finally separates and is met with the immediate, and uncomfortable, realization that he needs to be taken care of, he wants it, and he can't ask, he doesn't deserve it, especially because he's craving the kind of care that can't be bought, the kind of care he knows wasn't enough to save his mother.

he wants family, and shane, and hand picked flowers on the way home, and company and warmth and sunshine but he can't have it so he can't want it - and then there's shane, who wants to care for ilya so badly he backs him into a corner and offers it so freely that ilya can't help but lean into it and take it in the smallest increments

but then shane gets hurt, and he wants to be there, he wants to take care of him so badly and worse, shane would let him, that default caretaking ilya is so good at, that he's so resentful of but unable to deprogram himself - shane wants it, shane wants him

except now ilya can't take care of him for reasons beyond both their control, because shane isn't - shouldn't be - his to take care of, because it stands to ruin their lives, because they have no right to it

so he pulls back as best he can but he's still this bleeding wound crying to care and be cared for in equal measure.

The family probably stopped going to mass once Irina passed, if not before, when she was so ill it only felt like an embarrassment to show her face to the congregation that had once known her so happy. Maybe ilya wonders if she felt worthy of gods love when she was denied mankind’s so frequently.

Maybe ilya only remembers masses from a time when he couldn’t see over the pews, or maybe he only remembers his mother’s funeral service.

Maybe it all blurs so closely together he can’t separate them into their own events. maybe the uncertainty of it bothers him so deeply he visits a church, sunglasses on and cap pulled over his face. Maybe he stands beneath the icons and feels the hollow skin of his old life still clinging to him.

Maybe he prays, maybe he thinks of all the new steeples he’s built for himself.

He absolutely thinks of Shane.

He with out a shred of shame, considers that loving Shane Hollander may be his new religion.

So one weekend, after they had finally completed Shane’s extensive cleaning routine, Ilya lights incense. He lets the smoke wander through the halls, admiring its twirling paisley lazily shifting through the sunlight. He watches as Shane steps through the curtain of haze and into the living room to catch his attention and ramble about his upcoming media appearances.

BOSTON PIZZA.

what the fuck, he thinks. what is a “boston pizza” and why are they serving it here in ottawa. he googles and realizes this is a chain. why is it called boston pizza but it’s based in canada. what is this nonsense. he checks the time. it’s 3pm on a weekday and he has nowhere to be for a few hours. he goes in. he is the only customer in the boston pizza. they seat him at the bar and a bored looking teenager comes over and asks him what he wants. he says boston pizza. she says okay but like what kind. he says give me the most boston kind of pizza you have. she says I don’t know what that means dude what do you want on the pizza. he gives up and says pepperoni. when she brings it out he asks why the place is called boston pizza and she shrugs and says I dunno man this is just my summer job I’m not like a historian or whatever. he eats the pizza and drinks a beer and they’re both completely mediocre but something about this place has him hooked. it’s the mystique.

later on the phone he asks shane in an urgent tone shane. Do You Know About Boston Pizza. shane is like what the fuck are you talking about. of course I know about it but it’s just a chain and it sucks. why are you thinking about boston pizza. Ilya scoffs. why are you NOT thinking about it. why is it called boston fucking pizza. shane googles it. there’s no meaning baby it’s just some guy from edmonton who made it up in the 60s. if you want pizza there are a million better places to go in ottawa let me show you.