figuring out triggers
So the past couple days I have wanted to drink again, nothing too tough to manage, but interesting because I am now able to identify a pattern in what makes me want to drink.
Since beginning to attempt sobriety, the most likely time for me to relapse is 1) right before my period and 2) when work has stressed me out and my anxiety is high. Keeping in mind that for me, anxiety manifests as being incredibly frustrated with people and feeling like human touch/voices are unbearable at times, this makes it pretty understandable (to me at least) of why those are the times when I want to drink. At first I wanted to drink at A LOT of times other than that, but all the other triggering moments are things that I have mostly been able to work through and now can talk myself down from regularly, to the point that some of them donât make me want to drink at all anymore. Which is awesome. Itâs awesome to see that progress in myself.
 It doesnât help that I basically always have a weird sliver of existential angst going on, like a dull background noise, and that said angst gets waaaaaaaaaay worse when I am either experiencing active mentally ill states or hormonal. I am afraid to take regular birth control because the last time I did it made my depression much worse and I gained a lot of weight, but I am considering talking to my doctor about one of those arm-insert birth control things to limit my period, simply because it would make my quality of life better. Â
Anyway, itâs good to know that at this point, I can pinpoint about 5-7 days a month where I will want to drink, and I can pretty much know in advance when they are going to happen because this is a regular cycle of my life. That helps me prepare and make an action plan for how I am going to handle life those days in a sober, honest, and healthy way.
My friend/roommate reminded me today that behavior always is a function of seeking to meet a need, and therefore can be understood (we were talking about students/her clients). I am no exception to that. I am going to do some work on identifying what feeling is happening and what need I am trying to fulfill, when I want to get wasted during this time every month. This weekend I am dog-sitting my favorite dog in the whole world so I will have some time with him and a safe space to just feel the feelings, journal, and talk aloud while I listen to the Killers and make emotional support tacos (TM) ((like regular tacos, but they support my emotions and fill me with healthy protein))
Almost one month clean!Â













