There was a time not too long ago when I couldn't look at photos of myself without ending up in tears. For awhile, Crohn's disease tore up not just my guts, but also life as I knew it. Six years ago today I was lying in a hospital bed ready to give in and accept that pain was going to be the norm. In my mind, Remicade was my last chance at living anything close to the "normal" life I should be living at my age. There were a lot of tears that day, too. My GI and my parents were scared to escalate to Remicade; I was too scared not to. One thing I've never really shared is how down I felt during those months in 2010. I remember thinking, if this is my body now, what will it be like when I'm 30? It made me want to crawl out of my skin. I hated looking in the mirror. I hated not being able to do something as simple as using the bathroom without yelling out in pain. It felt like a problem that couldn't be fixed. People, especially parents of kids with IBD, ask me all the time if I fear the side effects of Remicade, if it's worth the risk with their child. I tell them I stand by my decision and I'd do it all over again, despite any road bumps along the way. Why? Because on July 18, 2010, I found the miracle drug that saved my life and allowed me to start living it again. Six years later I've finished school; I'm able to commute almost two hours to and from the city for work without having an accident; I've regained some amount of control over my body, however small. And I'm able to look at photos of myself and actually see something other than sickness. Hearing people say I look healthy and happy means more than they'll ever know. And I owe it all to this medication that pulled me out of one of the hardest years of my life. So this time I'm not sharing a photo of an IV in my arm. I'm sharing one of myself that I can look at without cringing. Healthy weight, inflammation-free (knock on wood), my own advocate, able to smile without having to force it. #remicade #infliximab #infusion #ibd #crohns #ibdselfie
