#iactuallystudyalot

[September 2020]

last moments of summer

With all the to do lists I do seem to get a lot done but it’s important to mention that I’m struggling to study and get work done, I have tests everyday of class and my internship started only recently. Even then I’m glad that I have such supportive professors though my university is unreliable. On another note the library will change their tagging system to the ones I arranged the books in so it’s more convenient for students and I was like wow I feel important   

also me:

✎ august 27th, 2018 // 8:59 pm

a to - watch list and some ap bio summer homework. totally didn’t use my brother’s white t-shirt as a background for these photos !!

it rained in the morning, so i spend the whole first half of the day inside :/ after work i felt super energetic (i clean at a children’s center); it always helps me to get moving and be physically active in any way (whether it is walking, running, or cleaning), to get out of a grey mood or sloth mode !!

stopped in the library to pick up a hold (an act prep book and some cookbooks) and “accidentally” grabbed four more books, although i already have five unread ones stacked in a pile by my desk :D

28 June 2018 🌱 Thank you sm for 1500 followers!! I appreciate all of you and I never would’ve thought my blog would grow this quickly! If I decided to do a 1.5k Draw My Followers Badly would any of you participate lmk

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Hello everyone! After a really long break I'm back with a new post based on my personal experience with a toxical relationship. If anyone of you is not interested in this kind of information, please just scroll down and have a nice day :)

I want to share my experience there because I believe I'm not the only one who may have encountered with that. If this post helped or inspired even just one person, I would be very glad. <3

The first half of this year was very tough for me. After I finished exam period in February, I felt a relief. At that time I had a boyfriend and we were almost 3 years together. We had some problems but we were always able to solve most of them. I believed that those unsolved ones will become solved thanks to moving together we had been planning for a few months. Moreover, I had such a bad relationship with my parents that I started to consider moving together as a way to escape from that. My boyfriend didn't like my parents and they didn't like him for some reasons. I didn't take their opinions personally, because they never liked boys I was in a relationship with. I thought my parents didn't like me neither and most of the time I felt like a black sheep of my family.

We were searching for a suitable apartment. Fortunately we found an ideal one in the same city my parents live in. At the beginning of March, we started moving there. We were happy, worked on it and did everything was needed to make that place feel like home. One day I just came home, packed all my things, farewelled with my parents and left.

First month of living together was lovely. After that, everything started to become as shitty as possible but we were trying to work it out. For instance, I love roses and was wishing to get a rose as a gift from him, no matter if for birthday, anniversary or just to make me happy. He knew about it but didn't do it. So I told him it would make me really happy to get a cute lil rose but we got into a terrible row because he got terribly angry about why to do give me such a thing that "doesn't last long"... A few days later he actually suprised me with a rose. However, when giving me it he said with a terribly emotionless voice "Anyway, it will die."

Another day there was an incident between us that left me speechless: I was preparing lunch in the kitchen while he was unpacking shopping bags full of food and other supplies. I was talking about my friends, how they helped me with some kind of a thing, what were their opinions on that and so on. I mentioned unintentionally a name of my friend he was jealous of. At that moment he was holding a bar of soap and asked me.

"Do you know what I'm holding?"

"Umm, yes, a bar of soap?"

"Well in the past prisoners were beaten with that..." (I was shocked and didn't know what to say but he continued) "Yeah, people put it in a sock, spun it like this (demonstrated the move to me) and beat the prisoners' heads"

"Umm, okay. " He then came behind me and beat my head 3 times with it.

"What the hell are you doing?! It hurts!!"

"That's just for you to know." And then he left to our bedroom.

I was shocked and couldn't believe that. I was able to talk about that again two days later when I confrontated him with what happened during those two day. To my surprise he denied he had done that and claimed he remembered only that he was holding a soap and nothing more...

You can't imagine how frightened I started to get.  Normally I would probably leave it as it was but he was a person really interested into guns who also was a legal owner of five various ones. It was and still is his lifestyle and he subordinated everything to that. I was scared he would hurt me one day or sth like that and I wasn't feeling safe at all during his presence because he behaved really weird and argued a lot with me after the incidents. Moreover, my family was scared as well and wanted me to return no matter what.

Two and a half months after moving in I left him and returned to my parents while he was at work. I couldn't stand any longer and I was so tired of living in a fear. He behaved like an emotional freak when he returned home and realized there was no trace after me and all my things were away. A week later I collapsed and ended up in a hospital for a few hours because of a severe tetany seizure. Three weeks later I am here and I'm so happy because my relationship with parents is on its best, I finished my exam period even if with not so good results and nobody limits me and treats me the way he did:

He was too focused on money and rather bought himself a new expensive gun than make me happy with sth little and cute.

Argued with me many times because I wasn’t able to give him the certain amount of money he wanted (as a double major I wasn’t able to work so much and pay half of the apartment expenses as he wanted; he earned about 13 times more than I did)

When sth happened between us and he was the gulity one, a few days later he distorted what happene and made me overreacting and psychically unstable person

His parents mustn’t have known about my illnesses and the medicine I was taking because “I don’t know how they will accept it”. 

The same happened with my family background. Moreover, he was the only child and the only grandson for both his grandparents, so he got everything and all the attention he wanted whereas I am the older child from a family that sometimes struggled to make ends meet. Nothing to be ashamed of, it can happen to everyone.

He hated some of my friends and made a bad fun of them. Sometimes he even wouldn’t let me go out with them because he was too jealous he doesn’t have so great friends as I do. 

He even wouldn’t let me go to a cultural event where could be many people because he was afraid sth would happen to me and he was seeing danger everywhere and tried to protect me even when it was absolutely unnecessary. He was absolutely obsessive about it and I felt like I had no freedom.

He told me not to wear floral dresses because “You would look like an old farmer’s wife”. However, everytime I wear a dress like this these days my fiends and family call me pretty. 

Two weeks after splitting up with him he told me I’m not able to find anybody new because nobody would accept me. “But I will do it for you, please return.” 

He called me silly and stupid then because I changed my opinion of him fast. 

He confessed he knew about the incidents actually, he was just too ashamed to tell the truth. However I still don’t believe him enough and I blocked him on chat. Even though I am thankful for all the help I got from him during those 3 years, this isn’t the man I would like to spend the rest of my life with. 

Thank you for reading and plese reblog if you find this post helpful <3