#i.iv

Romeo: I fear too early, for my mind misgives            Some consequence, yet hanging in the stars,            Shall bitterly begin his fearful date            With this night’s revels, and expire the term            Of a despised life closed in my breast            By some vile forfeit of untimely death.

Oh boy, here we go. Don’t mind me if I doze off a bit. I’m here to talk about Hamlet, you know, that crazy son of a bitch who saw ghosts asking him to kill people? Actually, Hamlet’s father asked Hamlet to kill Claudius but you get the point! To be serious (didn’t I say I was never going to be serious again?), Hamlet has to be one of the most interesting plays I’ve ever read (I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep a straight face). If you haven’t read or seen Hamlet yet, spoiler alert all over this post! (Warning: if you don’t like reading or Hamlet, leave now. Save yourself!)

In Act 1, Scene 1 (i.i), Horatio and two futile (pointless; I’m trying to sound smart) guards see the ghost of the late King while guarding the castle. They promise to tell his son, Hamlet about this.

In Act 1, Scene 2, (i.ii), King Claudius of Denmark rants about his marriage to Queen Gertrude, the late king, and Fortinbras’ activities. Claudius lets Laertes go to Paris to tend to his studies but doesn’t let Hamlet go. When everybody but Hamlet leaves, Horatio and the two pointless guards tell him of the ghost.

In Act 1, Scene 3, (i.iii), Laertes tells his lovestruck sister, Ophelia, to stay away from Hamlet. Polonius, the father of the two, bids Laertes farewell and tells Ophelia the exact same thing of staying away from Hamlet.

In Act 1, Scene 4 (i.iv), the ghost comes back and asks Hamlet to follow him. The two pointless guards and Horatio are unhappy of Hamlet’s actions of following the dead guy.

In Act 1, Scene 5 (i.v), the ghost informs Hamlet that Claudius poisoned him while he was sleeping (the way he does it is something I’m NOT going to mention... Okay, fine! Claudius poured poison into the late king’s ear while he was sleeping in an orchard, are you happy?!). The late king asks Hamlet to kill Claudius so he can be avenged. When the pointless guards and Horatio meet up with Hamlet, he swears them to secrecy and acts like a lunatic. This is when Hamlet’s “madness” is first exhibited in the play.

Okay, let’s take a breather here.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................all right! Let’s delve into Act 2! (somebody... help me please)

In Act 2, Scene 1 (ii.i), Polonius asks some random guy named Reynaldo to spy on Laertes in Paris because he’s known for drinking, fighting, fencing and “seeing” whores. Ophelia tells Polonius of Hamlet’s “madness” which prompts Polonius to tell Claudius.

In Act 2, Scene 2 (ii.ii), Hamlet’s university (and clearly smart) friends, Thing 1 & Thing 2 (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) are told by Claudius to spy on Hamlet. Polonius tells Claudius that the cause of Hamlet’s “madness” is unrequited love for Ophelia (so many snitches). Claudius tests this theory. Hamlet talks nonsense with Polonius and immediately knows that Thing 1 & Thing 2 are working for Claudius when they arrive. Actors arrive to the court and Hamlet asks one of them to insert several lines into the play that they are putting on.

..........................Sorry, I fell asleep there. Act 3 time.

In Act 3, Scene 1 (iii.i), Thing 1 & Thing 2 admit that they can’t find out what is causing Hamlet to be batshit crazy and report that Hamlet would like the Queen and King to attend the play. Claudius and Polonius still plan to eavesdrop on Hamlet. Hamlet contemplates life and talks about suicide (To be or not be soliloquy). Ophelia tries to return Hamlet’s gifts but is berated. Claudius reveals that he’ll send Hamlet to England and Polonius receives permission to eavesdrop as the Queen speaks to Hamlet in her private chamber.

In Act 3, Scene 2 (iii.ii), Hamlet instructs the actors on their craft. He asks Horatio to keep an eye on Claudius during the performance in order to verify his guilt of killing the late king. Hamlet and Ophelia sit together and provide a running commentary on the play. As one of the actors (or players) enacts the murder of the late king, Claudius gets upset and leaves. Polonius informs Hamlet that Gertrude wants to speak to him.

In Act 3, Scene 3 (iii.iii), Claudius fears for his safety and asks Thing 1 & Thing 2 to escort Hamlet to England. Polonius reminds Claudius that Hamlet is on his way to the Queen’s chamber and he intends on eavesdropping on the conversation (because he’s, you know, a dirty, old creep. I know Polonius and Gertrude planned this but he’s still an old creep). With Claudius alone, he prays for forgiveness as Hamlet walks by. Hamlet doesn’t kill Claudius because if he does, Claudius would go to heaven. (I call bullshit on this entire scene. If Hamlet would have just killed Claudius right there, NONE of these future events would have happened!)

In Act 3, Scene 4 (iii.iv), Hamlet finally visits his mother, unaware that he’s been creepily observed and listened to by Polonius, whose creepy self is hiding behind a tapestry. Hamlet “speaks daggers” to Gertrude to which Polonius begins to fear for Gertrude’s safety. He cries out, prompting Hamlet to take a rapier (where the hell did he get a rapier from) and thrust it into the tapestry, killing Polonius (but not before he could say “O, I am slain”!) Hamlet discovers that he actually killed Polonius and not Claudius but he doesn’t give a shit and continues to berate Gertrude. The ghost of the late king comes back and scolds Hamlet for not avenging him. Hamlet gives Gertrude words of advice before leaving.

Well...our first character’s dead. Now we just have to wait and see until everybody else dies.

In Act 4, Scene 1 (iv,i), Claudius learns of Polonius’ death and realizes that he could have been in Polonius’ shoes. Claudius sends Thing 1 & Thing 2 to find Hamlet and have him disclose the whereabouts of Polonius’ body.

In Act 4, Scene 2 (iv.ii), Thing 1 & Thing 2 find Hamlet, who accuses them of being sponges (or being backstabbing assholes). Hamlet follows them to Claudius.

In Act 4, Scene 3 (iv.iii), Claudius is anxious to remove Hamlet from the Danish court after sensing danger to his own person. Hamlet reveals the location of Polonius’ body and is told that he must leave for England.

In Act 4, Scene 4 (iv.iv), Hamlet is on his way to England and comes across Fortinbras leading his army toward Poland to fight over a worthless patch of ground. The willingness of Fortinbras and his men to act spurs Hamlet toward exacting his revenge.

In Act 4, Scene 5 (iv.v), Gertrude is informed by a pointless messenger that Ophelia has gone mad. Hortaio convinces Gertrude to see Ophelia. She actually turns out to be completely insane as she enters singing and dancing. Claudius orders that she be watched carefully (jeez, this guy orders everything. Good thing there wasn’t a fast food chain back then). Laertes returns from Paris (I honestly forgot about this guy at this point) and accuses Claudius of killing his father, Polonius. Laertes witnesses his crazy sister, Ophelia, and is heartbroken.

In Act 4, Scene 6 (iv.vi), Horatio receives news from a pointless servant (seriously, there’s way too many pointless characters here) that Hamlet has returned to Denmark.

In Act 4, Scene 7 (iv.vii), Claudius clarifies for Laertes why he didn’t deal with Hamlet more directly. They’re interrupted when the pointless messenger (oh boy) reports that Hamlet has returned and he will soon arrive to the court. Claudius and Laertes devise a plot to kill Hamlet. Laertes will challenge Hamlet to a fencing match. Laertes’ rapier will be poisoned and Claudius will poison a cup of water. Hamlet would have to either get cut or drink the water to die. Gertrude brings word that Ophelia has drowned.

Finally! We made it to the final act. Expect a lot of death and poison.

In Act 5, Scene 1 (v.i), at a churchyard, Hamlet and Horatio arrive. Hamlet exchanges some wit with the gravedigger until Ophelia’s funeral procession arrives. Hamlet declares his love for Ophelia but is soon in an altercation with Laertes. When Hamlet leaves, Claudius reminds Laertes of their plot.

In Act 5, Scene 2 (v.ii), everybody dies. Literally. During the fencing match, Hamlet scores the first two hits but he is hit with the poisoned rapier. They scuffle, exchange rapiers, and Hamlet hits Laertes. Gertrude drinks the cup of water (for a reason that has yet to be explained to me) and dies. Hamlet wounds Claudius with the poisoned rapier and forces him to drink the remains of the water (basically regardless of what he did, he would die anyways). Claudius does so and dies. Laertes succumbs to the poison and dies. Hamlet falls down, convinces Horatio to not commit suicide, then dies. Also, Thing 1 & Thing 2 die. Fortinbras arrives in the court, sees that everybody is dead and takes the crown, declaring himself as the new King of Denmark.

your result for The Remarkably Thorough Harry Potter Character Test ...

Remus Lupin

"Well - let's drink to a Gryffindor victory against Ravenclaw! Not that I'm supposed to take sides, as a teacher..."

You are Remus Lupin, werewolf and previous Defense Against the Dark Arts professor at Hogwarts. Remus is intellectual, introspective, and humble. Being a werewolf for most of his life, he is prone to shying away from social situations and keeping his emotions hidden. He is usually considerate of others’ feelings, but there are times when he is a little too blunt, which makes for uncomfortable situations. Because of his dark secret, he is pessimistic and tends to bring a depressing atmosphere with him. You and Remus are similar in the sense that both of you are much more realistic than idealistic. Focusing on the present is more important to you than fantasizing about the future, especially since your outlook on the future isn't very bright in the first place. Sure, you may hope for a better world, but you know that hoping and wishing only brings disappointment. In fact, your sober nature often makes others wary of your company, which is why you don't have too many close friends. The friends you do have, however, have your utmost loyalty and respect, and they know that they can always turn to you if they need guidance. You’re much more likely to tell someone their faults than their achievements, and you are more concerned with the big picture than you are with details. You are always looking to find a balance, and although you struggle with your inner demons on a daily basis, you yearn to grow more as a person in any way possible.

In short, you are more:

Cautious than impulsive

Mature than immature

Modest than arrogant

Normal than weird

Introverted than extroverted