#hypervigilence

“You already said that part,” she said quietly.

“Umm, yeah.  Uh, so the thing is I was wondering if you could just go in and keep an eye on him for me?  Please?  Because I just don’t trust him on his own quite yet.”  As he spoke he started backing up a bit, moving slowly in the direction of his own front door, clearly hoping that she would follow.  Like a scared puppy being led nervously to the shelter.  Being led where it ought to be safe.  Where no one actually ever knew what went on once the door closed.  And damn it all if her feet didn’t start to move with him.  She had given them no permission to do so but they were doing it anyway.  And she knew, she just knew, that the reason was because someone needed to see if that boy he had brought home was ok.  Because saving herself once had been the hardest thing in the world and she knew that not everyone was capable of that amount of strength even if it had left her almost permanently emotionally winded.  And because she knew without ever having to be told it, that the boy had been Callum.  The one that Rory had cried about to her.  The one that he had clearly wanted for himself.  The one that he now did have and had brought home battered and bruised, cut to shreds and barely clothed. 

“He won’t give you any trouble,” Rory said as they drew closer and closer to his door.  “But please don’t offer him anything.  He’s able to make his own food and drinks and stuff.  He doesn’t do so well with being given nice things so best not to ask.”

Alyaa swallowed hard and tried to slow her heartbeat, which was skipping up and down uncomfortably in her chest, while her mind turned over on itself with all of the possible reasons why on earth she shouldn’t offer this boy anything nice.  Why nice things were apparently being kept from him.

She watched from a small distance while Rory fumbled his keys out of his pocket and opened his front door.  He motioned for her to go in but her self preservation made her stay back, a small shake of the head to say that he shoudl go in first. Her self preservation made her keep him in front of her and the door right behind her as she followed him into his apartment.  She stepped in after him and left the door open, keeping her back to it.  The place was a mess.  It was overly warm and stuffy and all of the windows that she could see were shut.  Her gaze bounced from window to window, over and over, checking and zeroing in on the catches while her feet moved just a step closer to the door.  The living area was a clutter of pillows and covers, old glasses with the drink still in the bottom of them.  The dining table caught her eye as being utterly and spotlessly clean, and it stuck out like a sore thumb in the rest of the chaos.  She craned her neck to look into the kitchen area which was also surprisingly clean and tidy.

“Callum!”  Rory shouted, making Alyaa jump and sending her heart rate leaping again.  A bead of sweat ran down from her neck.  She could feel it tickling its way down her back.  He turned back to look at her and shrugged with a small apologetic looking smile which she didn’t like in the least.

“Sorry,” he said.  “He’s probably in his room...”  They were interrupted by a small sniffing coming from between the coffee table and one of Rory’s couches.  Rory moved instantly in the direction of the sound, and Alyaa was drawn instantly out of the need to see what had happened to Callum.  She moved into the room, still keeping Rory in front of her and the door at her back, a clear line between her and her exit, and looked down into the space between the furniture where Rory was now crouched down, his hands pressed to down on Callums drawn up knees.

And there he sat.  Callum.  In an oversized sweater that she guessed must belong to Rory, and a pair of sweat pants.  His feet were bare and she could have sworn that there was a hint of some sort of scarring just licking up from around the soles.  He was clenching his toes then releasing them over and over while Rory muttered something at him close to his face.  The poor boy was blushing furiously and nodding, looking sad and upset and nervous and Alyaa wanted to run and she wanted to kick Rory where he was crouched.  And she wanted to pick Callum up and take him home.  She backed up a touch and from her new position she could see that Callum was holding on to something tightly behind his back.  Something crusted in what looked like mud.  Or at least she hoped that it was mud.  He was twisting it up in his grip as though his life depended on it while he continued to nod over and over at whatever it was that Rory was saying to him.  Her mouth felt dry, throat thick and tight while she watched them interacting. 

Rory rocked back on his heels and stood, followed by Callum who did the entire movement with his hands behind his back, clutching tightly to what she could see now was a teddy bear, and she was horrified all over again.  He looked so young but she knew that he was a grown man.  And he looked frightened and torn to pieces that were barely holding together.  And he was holding a teddy.  There was so much wrong about everything that her brain couldn’t settle on one singular point.  Instead it held her frozen where she was while Rory introduced them.

“Callum, this is Alyaa,” Rory said, motioning to her. 

“Hey,” she said softly, trying so hard to smile for him and for herself.  “Callum?” He looked quickly from the ground up to meet her eyes and then looked to Rory, his gaze settling on him.  Alyaa wante dot tell him to look at her, not Rory.  Don’t look at him.  He’s not in charge.  He doesn’t have to be in charge.  Her ears were ringing slightly and she could see Rory lips moving but couldn’t hear what he was actually saying.  He nodded in her direction and Callum looked back to her.

“Umm...yeah...C...Callum.” 

A moment of silence hung awkwardly in the air between them all for a few beats until Callum hesitantly spoke up.

“Uh...umm...c...can I sit back...umm...on the floor?”  he said, looking at Rory wide eyed and flushed. 

“Yeah, you go for it,” Rory said.

“Thank you,” Callum whispered.  “Thank you for letting me...tha...thank you.”  Alyaa listened horrified to his murmurs of gratitude.  Had he been fine she realised, she would have run out of the apartment, back to her own, and locked herself in for days.  But not now.  Not now that she had actually met Callum.  Her fear was reigned in tightly and kept in check only by the fact that he seemed to be so very damaged.  She knew damage.  She knew what it felt like.  Someone needed to stay with him.

“Right,” Rory said.  Or announced.  It was spoken with a finality that allowed Alyaa to breath a little more easily because finally he would go and she could relax just a tiny little bit.  Not much, but the tension might bend instead of breaking.  “I’m sorry but I really do have to make a move.  I won’t lock the door but Callum, you have to do what Alyaa says ok?  Please?  Just stay in the apartment.  I don’t know how long I’ll be out for but you need to stay.  Don’t try to go back.  Ok?  Promise me?”

“I promise,” Callum said earnestly, looking up from his place back on the floor.  “I won’t go.  I’m sorry.  I won’t...I’m sorry.”

"Ok... cool," Rory moved towards Alyaa and she backed up slightly, led a dance between them, a circling motion that took her closer to Callum, and Rory closer to the door.

"... right. I'll see you both later," and with that Rory was out of the apartment and the door was clicked shut. Alyaa listened to hear the tell tale sound of a lock sliding into place, breath held and aware of everything. When ten or so seconds had passed with no more noise she released her breath and tried to relax into the situation.  When she turned back to see what Callum was doing, she saw that he was right back where he had started.  On the floor with his teddy behind his back.  She crouched down in the spot that she was stood in, first to her knees, and then slowly placed both palms flush to the floor and slid her legs out to the side, settling into the position near to him but not too close.  She slowly moved her hands to her lap and kept them close in so that he would know that she wasn’t intending to aim any fists or swings in his direction.  She could see the bob of his adams apple as he swallowed reflexively, a sure sign of his skittishness and nerves.  He was glancing across at her from time to time and clearly trying not to be seen doing so.  He ducked his head back down when she smiled at him.

“Callum?” she said quietly.  He looked up quickly and looked alert to any dangers that could come his way.  It was a look that she knew all too well.

“Umm...y...yeah,”  he said, eyes darting around the room and only ocassionally landing on her face.

“Thank you for letting me spend the day with you,”

“Uh...well...Rory said I shouldn’t be alone...so....”  Callum’s words trailed off into more silence. 

“Yeah I know,” Alyaa said, trying not to let her face show how cross that had made her.  That apparently this poor young man wasn’t even allowed to be left on his own for one day for fear that something would happen.  That he might get out.  And that Rory was determined to stop that from happening.  Part of her wished that he had just locked Callum in like he had apparently been doing since he had brought him home, so that she wouldn’t have to be in there with him, panic striken and nervous and constantly looking at the door and the windows to calculate the quickest way out.  But the thought of abandoning him was already too much to bear. 

“So...what do you do then?”  she asked, trying to frame her questions in the best possible way to get answers but without breaking Rory’s rules.  Because breaking rules had always been a fast track to trouble.  One that she didn’t want to travel down again if she could help it. 

“Wh...what do I do?”  Callum asked, looking confused.

“Yeah.  Like during the day.  Here.  What’s a day like for you?”

“Umm...I like...no...umm...Rory says not to do...umm...he says I should wash or...I sit with my teddy,” his eyes were starting to sparkle with tears, welling up and edging towards spilling over and down his cheeks. 

"Ok," she said. "That's ok. You just stay sitting then." Alyaa glanced around, desperate for inspiration or an idea that would help. A way into Callum's mind. A way into what was actually going on.

"So do you go out much?" Alyaa asked. "Does Rory let you... take you out?" Callum curled forward at the question, had been curling gently more and more in on himself since she'd started asking him questions. The silence stretched out until he eventually answered.

"He takes me out," Callum whispered, knees tucked up and his mouth pressing the words on to them instead of out into the air. "Th... thank you for umm... for asking. He...we go walking sometimes. He's always s... so kind to me. He says he'll always bring me h... home."

Alyaa suppressed the shudder that ran down her back at his words. At the politeness that seemed all too automatic. She was struggling to make any sense of it.

"Well," she said, forcing the words out even while they were making her feel sick. "That sounds very nice. Uh, very nice of him to do that." She wanted to scream at Callum that he should be allowed to go for a walk if he wanted to go for a damn walk. That Rory didn't own him. But what stopped her was the ice cold, stomach churning dread that Rory had gotten hold of what he had wanted since the first moment it had walked into his Collection Box. That there was every chance that Rory did, in fact, own him.

"He says... he... I'm not supposed to want to go back," Callum volunteered the start of some information up and Alyaa pounced on it. Another part of a barely even started puzzle.

"Go back where Callum?" she asked quietly. "Where have you come from?"

Silence draped heavily around them again as Alyaa sat and watched Callum. He was still digging his fingers into the teddy, still swallowing hard. A tear had finally escaped and ran slowly down his cheek before dropping on to his knee.

"From Master Hayden," he said, breaking his voice on the words and gulping in a sobbing breath. He looked utterly distraught, wrecked, just a shadow of what Alyaa could tell that he ought to be. Who ever Callum's Master Hayden was, it was very clear to her that he was upset about being away from him. Defeated. Devastated.

"Oh Callum," she said, edging just a touch closer, scooting across the floor towards him. "Do you miss him? Are you missing Hayden?"

"I'm..." Callum was crying over his words, making them hard to understand. "I'm not...I can't be better if I'm not with Master...mm... Master Hayden. I can't be...I can't be better. I want to be better. I can atone..."

Alyaa watched him twisting himself up in knots and panic and confusion, the fear that was coming off him in waves was starting to lap at her toes and erode the edges of her composure. She could feel it happening with no power to hold it back. In one quick move that sent Callum scuttling back towards the couch she pushed up off the floor and almost ran to the kitchen, throwing herself towards the window, over the sink, grabbing at the handle that wouldn't budge, fingers scuffing across the sill blindly feeling for a key but finding nothing.

There was no key. The handle wouldn't move. The latch didn't give. There was no key. There was no key. There was no key. The edges of Alyaa's vision were starting to twinkle and fuzz. Her breathing was ragged. She felt hot and cold all at once. She was on the very knife edge of what her body was willing to put her through when just to the side of her, silently, slowly and carefully, Callum's shaking hand gently placed a key down on the window sill before he stepped back. She snatched it up and jammed it into the lock, a few shaky attempts at getting it right and then it gave. It finally gave and she heaved the window open.

Cold air, blessed cold air flooded into the room and over her while she stood and breathed it in, in, in. While she let it cool and calm her. While her breathing and heart rate slowed and steadied and Callum stood to the side watching her, his teddy pressed to his chest with both hands. She chanced a look at him. He was shaky, pale, but he looked more in control of himself that he had been when she first arrived. Without a word, Callum transferred his teddy to one hand, keeping it firmly pressed up against himself, and he reached into a cupboard with his free hand, bringing down a glass. She watched him draw the glass up to his chest, hands together again while he used a shoulder to nudge the cupboard shut almost silently. Then he moved towards her, towards the sink which she stepped away from to give him access. Keeping both hands together and the teddy somehow dry, he filled the glass and then held it out to her.

"Rory says that when I'm worried I should sip some water," Callum said, with more confidence then she'd heard yet. With less stumbling across his words. Less breaking upon each syllable. Alyaa took the glass with trembling hands and a weak, small smile, and sipped at it for a few minutes.

"Thank you," she said. "For the key."

"Oh that's ok," Callum said, blushing. "I like to help. I'm good at helping. M...Master Hayden said that I have my uses... and... and Rory says I'm very good at helping."

"You are Callum," Alyaa said, almost reaching out to touch him but stopping herself. "You really helped me."

"Thank you. Thank you."

"I'm..." she took one more deep and steadying breath in. "... I'm getting hungry. I always make too much. My Opa always said I make too much. But I'm sure you and me won't let anything go to waste will we."

Callum smiled and shook his head, ducking it down shyly and rubbing his cheek against the top of his teddy's head.