#hyper vigilant

This was my life leading up to emotional abuse: As a woman, small and fragile, growing up already believing you can’t do regular stuff like most people becuase “you’re not smart enough”. That was the lie in school that teachers were giving me… I wasn’t allowed to start a test by myself without the teacher’s aid come around and read it to me!! By the 7th grade, I was so far behind in my work that the teacher’s aid started giving me the answers so I didn’t fail 🥺😔 My mother was furious!!! She let me finish the 7th grade then took me out of school altogether. I ultimately was a drop-out and now I become the family care taker too. I took care of my grandma and my bro’s kids during the day while everyone worked. People depend on me now…. I had to become responsible and grow up. I basically skipped my teenage years!!!

By the time I’m 23, I got my GED, my grand mother has passed away but I’m still taking care of my bro’s kids. I’m EXTREMELY EMPATHETIC!!! I’m overly nice to anyone I talk to but I was letting the wrong people in my circle. I met Jake and he was sooooo flirty, it was hard not to flirt back but I was NOT attracted to Jake 😳 It was hard to tell him without hurting his feelings. I tried so hard to be overly nice about it… Jake doesn’t play “nice” 😰 He was very critical, rude, intimidating and making me feel very bad for it. He exploited me on Twitter and I was so sorry for ever trusting him at all!!!!

Then I met Cody and believed he was the most special guy in my life but he dumped me twice! (Ghosted me the 2nd time) I felt SO STUPID!!!!! Talk about shaking one’s confidence, perceptions of the truth and everything with Cody was jarring and a whirlwind!! Next I met Andrew and we talked for over a year but same outcome… Andrew cheated on me, blamed me said I was “tricking him” into cheating and then when I broke up with him, he was a ROBOT with no emotions 😭

After I broke up with Andrew, that’s when it got serious. Andrew became critical, hurtful and making me suicidal but then shaming me for it!!! It felt like Andrew was beating me down over and over 😣😓 I was only trying to be kind and loving, understanding BUT I couldn’t stop crying and that clearly repulsed him!! I was for sure in survival mode!!!

Years later NOTHING gets past me. I can’t go anywhere without I not only scan my surroundings but I hear and see everything. It’s both a gift and frustrating!! I notice when someone new walks in the room. I observe and watch people like a hawk!! I can’t seem to completely rest even in my own home. I watch my husband and notice every little move, action, over analyze his words and over think!!! I NEVER wanna be deceived again!!! How do you trust anyone new?? You learn to gently get to know them at a distance until it’s safe but people are such good liars and pretenders 😭😭

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