#hyper independence

the idea of having someone truly have your back... is a fantasy for me.

I don't know how to let others take care of me. I think I'm far to shutdown and hyper independent for that. Also whenever I think about how hyper-independent I am but makes me chuckle a little bit how one of my ex's thought I was getting codependent on him. I think in reality he just felt suffocated by how intensely I loved and that things were actually getting serious, so instead of accepting his avoidance labeled me as codependent, but I digress. I feel like I've just gotten very good at faking letting people in, still keeping them just far enough so it doesn't really hurt when they leave. I also just truly don't feel like I can be myself with anyone and also I feel like it has to do with me not understanding how to unmask my autism entirely. Anytime I try I just feel like such a social outcast and confused. It's much better just to stick with the little script I've been given by neurotypical society.

i hate being hyper independent i hate not knowing how to ask for help, my life would be so easier if i didn't feel the necessity to do everything myself